Welcome to Wiedemann Comedy Randoms!
Some funny, some cheesy...
Standalone Jokes
Narcissistic personality disorder: The best personality disorder.
Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Green sky at night, nuclear holocaust.
Why did the criminal Manx cat cross the road? To lose the tail.
I never moan. Why? Because no one gives a shit.
What a load of bullshit. If the moon is made from rock, how come it's visible all the way from space? It's clearly a lightbulb.
Crystal is a real forename, Meth is a real surname. It's only a matter of time.
I've created a drink so delicious, just one glass will give you a 50% chance of getting diabetes AND AIDS.
A life without chocolate is a life half lived. A life with too much chocolate is a life half lived.
Is it wrong to give birthday beats to the elderly? According to the rule, they deserve more.
I have a theory, that the nicer something is, the better it is for you. I mean, from an evolutionary perspective, that would be logical, right??
If three is a magic number, how come there isn't more magic in the world? You'd expect it to be fucking everywhere.
Apparently people who swear more, are more trustworthy. Which is why I don't trust the pope.
The hills are NOT alive with the sound of music. Check into the local nut house.
Hydrogen bombs don't scare me. Since when has hydrogen hurt anyone?
Mike J. Fox is neither a mic, a jay or a fox. Liar.
Jaywalker: Hoverboard walker.
If it doesn't hover, it's not a hoverboard. Stop getting me excited.
Not sure I believe in Santa. Something just doesn't add up.
I'm definitely going to Heaven when I die. Not because I'm a nice person, but because God owes me.
Business idea: Half the calories, but you only pay 10% more.
Fortune favours the brave, but curiosity killed the cat? How does that work?
Considering they've had hundreds of millions of years to evolve, flies are fucking stupid.
Anti caking agent? What have you got against cakes, you sick fuck?!
Those were the nicest grapes I've ever eaten. And by grapes I mean hemorrhoids.
Power to the people? As opposed to what?
Customers are always right. I'm a customer. I'm always right.
You never miss what you've never had. An excellent case for child neglect.
It must be depressing for Christians to know that two thirds of everything is Satanic.
Have you ever heard of asexual reproduction? Because I want you to go fuck yourself.
Why do people think the Mona Lisa's face is so enigmatic? It's obvious. She's moaning.
Theresa May what? No one knows, that's why nobody trusts her.
What music do flowers listen to? Heavy petal.
What music do OAPs listen to? Hip op.
What's a witch's favourite drink? Warter.
Who's the fittest man in the world? Jim.
What do you get if you give a rabbi tea? A rabbit.
What's the difference between an elf and a shelf? Shelves are quieter.
Where can you find the most illegal drugs? The High Street.
What's an electric shock? A high energy bill.
What's a CD player? Someone who goes after CDs, but doesn't really care about them.
Every little helps. Unless it's torture.
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Unless you're being tortured.
What's the most explosive colour? Blew.
What's the hairiest alcoholic drink? Beard.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away? If that were true, there would be no more need for medical research.
Exercise is vital in preventing diabetes. Without it, even sugar can kill you. It's like getting killed by a feather duster; not good.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get? If that's really true, I know what I'm going to get; chocolates.
What's a comedian's favourite part of an egg? The egg joke.
What was Bruce Lee's favourite meal? Karate chops.
What is Metallica's best song about pens? Damage ink.
What is Metallica's weirdest song? Pastor of Muppets.
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? You can't change a lightbulb, they're notoriously stubborn.
What is the most sociable kind of music? Met all.
All nuts are supposed to be healthy, but wall nuts just don't sound appealing. Even so, I don't think they deserve to be whipped.
Who are the least cool family members? Uncools.
Who is the hottest family member? The son.
What is the wisest part of the body? The knows.
Who is 'Per', and why is he/she getting paid so much? Probably a rich Norwegian entrepreneur.
What would you get if Iceland and Turkey united? Cold Turkey.
Who is the most sought after chef, for those with no teeth? Souper Man.
Where's the most dangerous place to put a plug? The ear. (Or the eye socket).
What disease do deaf people fear the most? Hearing Aids.
What's the most dangerous drink? Lemonaids.
What was the most disastrous concert of all time? Live Aids.
What is the most musical condiment? Guitartar sauce.
What's the blandest fast food? The iceburger.
What's the most boring sport? Boxing. It's like Christmas Day in reverse.
Cards get bored? Something must be done about this. Get me my glitter, ASAP.
If you don't want computers to gain self-consciousness and take over the world, stop treating them like humans and feeding them chips.
What is the least appetising cereal? Ready Brick.
What shape puts in the most effort? The try angle.
What's the most defective part of a house? The flaw.
Just a heads up; honey may come from honey bees, but butter doesn't come from butterflies. You will ruin your sandwich.
Why is Ozzy Osbourne a cannibal? Because at Christmas, he eats fruitcake.
All's fair in love and war. The clue's in the name: Warfair.
I don't care how heavy a lightswitch is, it's on the wall.
I was in the computer shop the other day, and I asked for a Champagne cocktail in zero gravity. 'What are you talking about?', the staff asked. I pointed to a button on a keyboard. 'That is the space bar, isn't it?'
Where's your father most likely to be tied up and put in a sack? Bag Dad.
Why can you never trust people in bed? Because they're liers.
What's the rudest thing you wear? The shoo.
Treat others how you would like to be treated, yourself. Unless you're a masochist.
What's the only kind of military equipment you can buy at a pet store? Fish tanks.
What's the best kind of advice you can give to a guitarist? Finger tips.
Circles: What's the point?
When I was in Moscow, my tour guide showed me Red Square, St. Basil's Cathedral and The State Tretyakov Gallery, all within a matter of minutes. 'Why don't you slow down a bit?', I asked. 'Why? You're in Rusher, now', he replied.
What's the happiest weather? Funder.
I explained to my doctor that my neck was really stretched, and magnets kept sticking to it. She said 'it sounds like you have a saw throat.'
What illness are pilots most likely to get? Flew.
What bird is least likely to get decapitated. The duck.
What's a golfer's least favourite hat? The handi cap.
What do you get if you pee on the loo? A loop.
What's a lightning bolt? Usain Bolt on crack.
What's the worst toy of all time? The ex box.
What's a spy's favourite sport? Snooper.
What's the most expensive illness? The Mercedes Bends.
What furniture is the most aggressive? The war drobe.
I got arrested the other day for wearing a jumper. 'What's the problem?', I asked. 'Concealed arms are illegal!', I was told.
What material is most thoughtful? Wood. (As in 'would?')
You don't think the palm of your hand can speak? Ever heard of palm muting?
It's probably for the best the saber tooth tiger died out. Imagine it evolving into the lightsaber tooth tiger.
What's the most vague religion? The Jew-ish religion.
What's the most self-assured religion? Is-lam.
What do you call an upgraded tractor? A protractor.
What animal stirs the most meat? The hamstir.
What's a cat's favourite drink? Whiskery.
Why do many rock guitarists want mouths on their spines? Because they like to feed back.
What is the most quoted condiment? Sauce.
What fish gets the most rest? The kipper.
What are the most musical trousers? Chords.
What's the most common way to punish a naughty piece of paper? Give it a paper clip.
Monkey see monkey do? Does that apply to brain surgery? I hope so, I would love to see monkey surgeons.
Why are there so few paper criminals? Because paper's so easy to foil. (That's my third paper joke. There's a lot of the stuff in my room).
What's the smallest and girliest terrorist group? My Sis.
What kind of stories are most likely to destroy your hair? Hair razing stories.
Which food is most likely to get people into legal trouble? Suep.
Which element of music is most likely to get your leg hurt? Harm m' knee.
Where are the lighthearted illnesses?
What's the rudest material? Glarse.
What's the most successful part of the house? The window.
Aren't all booms sonic booms?
What's the weather that's easiest to overlook? Missed.
Which material invented the letter 'n'? Iron made 'n'.
What's the only animal species that doesn't have any males? The sheep.
What's the worst kind of clothing you can give to someone who is suicidal? A jumper.
What's the most heavy metal furniture? The rocking chair.
What product will Dr. Pepper distribute when he's dead? Ghost peppers.
Did you hear about the new tax the government will apply to the sale of sugar? They'll call it the tic tax.
Why are rockets powerless against islands? Because they miss isles.
Did you know you can get angry, even after death? Ever heard of skulls and cross bones?
What do hungry vegetarians request? Thyme and thyme again.
What do hungry vegans request? Anything that tastes nice, ideally.
Why do mice swear all the time? Because they're cursers.
It's a thin line between a public house and a pubic house. (I do apologise for that one).
Believe it or not, you should never drink from a fountain pen. They're also too small to swim in.
Who are the most positive people? Ameri-cans.
Why are there so many serial killers that are doors? Because they are so easy to become unhinged.
What's the most hardworking vehicle? The train.
What's the friendliest vehicle? The hellocopter.
What are the smartest insects? Account ants.
Why are there so many tramp activists? Because they want to see change.
Which brand of clothes are you most likely to get holes in? Gap.
Why are English teachers so feared? Because for simple grammatical errors, they give out capital punishment. (And comma punishment, etc. Capital punishment's the worst, though).
Which country has the world's biggest mammals? Whales.
Why do spacemen feel like they aren't worth anything? Because they're astro noughts/cosmo noughts.
What was the worst pizza advertising campaign, ever? 'Get stuffed (crust)'.
What's a biro? A small boat with two oars.
Why do road workers make such good editors? Because they're good at fixing plot holes. Or is it potholes? Hm.
Why do insects make such good mechanics? Because unlike humans, they're small enough to drive screws. (They make good screwdrivers).
Did you know even living is a crime? That's why you can get jailed for life.
What's the only illness you can get, just by looking at things? See sickness.
Do you know what the most common pet is? It's not a cat or a dog, it's actually a car pet.
Who are the most greedy workers? Mine-rs.
What's the best and most widely available painkiller? Maths. Why? Because in it you have to work with numb-ers.
Why are egg and spoon races so unfair? Because you can get egg timers, but not spoon timers.
What are the world's biggest ships called? Space Ships.
Why is it dangerous to give opinions on jazz rock? Because if you do, you'll become a fusion reactor.
What's a window? A special promotion from Papa John's. (Win dough).
When I had a panic attack, all I wanted was support. I called a special hotline, but I got told to go away. Apparently the breakdown service 'only deals with cars'. What a load of rubbish, what will happen the next time someone has a breakdown, I don't know...
I just got 'fired' from my job as a pyrotechnician. To be honest, I don't understand what that means. Do I still have the job??
What TV show do horses find to be dullest? Neigh Bores.
What's napalm? Horse Kung Fu. (Neigh palm).
What do sarcastic engineers say? Well der.... (Welder).
Who's the biggest rabbi in the solar system? Jew Peter.
Never ask 'which doctor will be treating me?', in the presence of a voodoo cult.
Where do most witches live? In the sand.
What do maths and the gym have in common? Working out. Also suffering.
Stay away from people who listen to the radio, too much. Such people are radioactive.
I think it's valid that some people fear being buried alive. In many cases, the very sick get mistakenly sent to their graves. That's why they're called 'cough-ins'.
I think it's hypocritical I got charged with road rage, when there are so many cross roads in the country.
I haven't had anything to eat for the whole day, as I've been at the vets. All I want is a hot dog, but my poodle has hypothermia.
I recently got into trouble for flipping a pizza man off his moped. I was only giving him a tip...
What do you call a TV that is also a murderer? Telepathic.
What drink is the most jaded? Sigh-der.
What is the universal medicine people take to help them sleep? Pill O.
What do you call a hairy peanut? A mustachio nut.
You really shouldn't go scrumping. That's apple-ing behaviour. (Sounds like appalling, right? Hmm.... Might get deleted).
I once got paid by the police for assaulting someone. (I pounded some guy in the face five times). The police told me I would go to jail, in a letter that documented my crimes. Yes, they gave me a five pound note.
What's the alphabet? The world's manliest gambler.
My driving instructor told me to use the handbrake, so I slammed my fist hard on his fingers. He then cried out in pain. Talk about mixed messages.
I went to a job interview, and my potential boss said 'sock it to me'. I ripped out a socket from the wall, and threw it at his face.
(You may have spotted a theme in my jokes, now).
What is the easiest food to make? Fudge. Why? Because if you fudge it up, it makes no difference.
What animals make the best businessmen? Seals. After all, only they can seal the deal.
Why is it a bad idea to stroke cats and dogs too much? Because if you do, that makes them rubb-ish.
How come all gypsies are sane? Because they're no mads.
What kind of people make the most plays on words? Judges. Why? Because they're pun-ishers.
Where do mimes go on a field day? A mimefield.
What type of wood is easiest to work with? Complywood.
If you are what you eat, does eating too many Subways make you subhuman?
Why are you most likely to get stabbed after dark? Because it's knight time.
Why are so many boxers hard of hearing? Because of all the ear whacks.
What is E.T. doing nowadays? He's an intern. The clue is in the name: Intern-et.
Did you know that the oldest woman in the world, also mothered the most children in the world? It's because she had the most birthdays.
What was the world's shortest war? It was the Hungary-Turkey war. All that was needed to stop it, was one skilled butcher.
What musical instrument is most widely used in the military? Base.
What do you call someone who reviews the atmosphere of a place? A vibe rater.
Why do angry people produce so much perfume? Because they are always fuming.
Why is my lofty friend so useful? Because he's tool.
What is the world's leading cause of deafness? Ear muffs that penetrate through the ear drums. (AKA muff-ins).
What was Plato's cause of death? Someone smashed him, after a meal.
What's it called when two people start fighting, because they can't stop agreeing with each other? A concur fight.
What have stairs and hairs got in common? Airs. What that means, I don't know.
Who was the sweetest rapper of all time? Harry Bo.
It has been proven that calculators experience consciousness. After all, it's the thought that counts.
What's the only food product that burns off calories when you eat it? Skips.
What's the dreamiest zone on Earth that is the most attractive to the opposite sex? The ohhh zone.
Why is it dangerous for dyslexic women to be pregnant with triplets? Because they may mistakenly give birth to Twiglets.
Why is it a very holy experience to kick a football? Because if you do, you can say 'bye ball'.
What number takes the most drugs? High five.
What's the difference between money and a monkey? Hioghojgiofjdiojtononkmkfds. I know what you're thinking: 'Kay...'
What fruit is the most emotional? The pine apple. (Probably been done before, but hey).
Aren't all pens marker pens? Well, maybe biros aren't, because they break all the time.
Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Yellow sky at day, what the fuck is going on? (Anyone in England see that??)
Why do musicians make the most unsure salesmen? Because they say things like 'three for...' or 'four for...' Well four for what? (That's a time signature joke).
Why do musicians make the most unsure food statisticians? Because they say things like 'six ate...' or 'nine ate...' Well nine ate what? (There's another one for you).
Which colour is most paradoxical? Yell low.
People say 1984 is happening now, but the masses have always been spied on since the invention of the pocket watch.
I lost my job as a driving chef when a customer asked me for lashings of chocolate whip. Concentrating on the road, I misheard, crashed my car on purpose and gave the person whiplash. It could have happened to anyone.
Why do unemployment rates plummet on Guy Fawkes night? Because the fire works.
You may be surprised to know that a certain kind of shoe makes the most efficient kind of container in the whole world. It's the sand-all. All the sand on Earth into the size of a shoe. Pretty impressive, right?
My psychiatrist and I agreed to stop meeting with each other, as I kept trying to diagnose her as a narcissist. To be fair, she did keep saying she knows more about psychology than me.
Why shouldn't you drink bathroom tap water? Well, would you want to drink anything that had been tapped by someone after they had a pee?
We all know grapes are fruit, why make the distinction?
I'm really impressed with the stoic way some individuals deal with destructive storms. I call such people storm troupers.
Many people say that squares are the most boring shapes. Not true, drill shapes are.
How come if you train seagulls, it makes them more foolish? Because if you do, you make them seagull-able.
What is the coolest letter of the alphabet? Hip O.
Many decades ago, there was a teacher called Dee. She was very frail, and the other members of staff were concerned she wouldn't be able to carry out corporal punishment. They often thought to themselves 'can Dee cane?'
What kind of music can grant you access to any amusement park? Fun-key music.
Ham/sand - which? Interesting question. Ham for eating, sand for walking on or building castles.
Did you know that anxiety is the leading cause of brain trauma? Of course it is, weights should never be left on the mind.
I went to the gym the other day and got asked if I would like to lift some weights. 'No shit', I thought, 'you don't have any antimatter?', I asked. 'What?' the man responded. 'Everything's a fucking weight!', I said.
Air rage and road rage are very much illegal. However, did you know that heated arguments in stores are always tolerated? Yes, there is nothing wrong at all with storage. As is my understanding.
Henry VIII and others like him liked to think of themselves as big and strong, but in reality they were helpless against the weather. In particular, reign fall.
I find it ironic that brighter weather is referred to as sun-lite.
What do you call chocolate that has gone crazy? Cocoa nuts.
Did you know there's a language that is based solely on triangles? It's called sine language.
A lot of aggression is based on fear. Which explains my panic attacks.
Which island is the biggest waste of money to visit? Con Crete.
I once trespassed on a farm and got caught. The farmer said, 'no, it's ok. Help yourself to my grain'. I said 'ok, thanks.' But then he hit me on the head with a hammer.
What is the only metal that is edible? Biscuit tin.
What types of furniture are best at writing continuous stories? So fars.
What is a trampoline? A girl tramp.
Why should you never drive a car you like? Because you'll get arrested for joyriding.
What are the only things better than cheese? Cheese greaters.
Where do guards live? In guard dens.
What do you call a crazy person's reason for doing things? Locomotive.
What is McDonald's unhealthiest burger? The Tar Mac.
Why should you never leave change in trouser pockets when washing them? Because you'll get arrested for money laundry-ing.
What are the most fun loving warriors called? Party sans.
Which country sells the most most clothes and accessories? Tie Land.
I always found infant school teachers confusing. Sure, teach about numbers and addition, but why random stuff like seas of bees? A bee sea this, a bee sea, that, etc...
Why should you never eat fabric in a courtroom of people with poor English skills? Because you'll get accused of fabricating.
When my friend Richard won a competition, I bought him a load of cloth. 'What's this about?' he asked. 'It's because you're fab, Rick!' I replied.
What letter of the alphabet is most likely to run away? T. That's why there are so many T pots. (To contain the letters).
What is the leading cause of cancer? Terrorist cells.
What garments do magicians wear? Hypno ties.
Why is it a good idea to put mirrors in your fridge? Because you'll be able to perform mirror cools.
Where is the whole of the world's Fanta source harvested? The Fanta Sea.
Where do all TVs come from? The tele port.
What's it called when someone can't stop rowing? Row mania.
What's the loudest animal on Earth? The panda monium.
Did you know that pans are some of the world's biggest killers? (When they demic, that is).
What do you call a temporary employee who's really annoying? A tempest.
What's it called when a group of mischievous children make formal agreements with each other? An imp pact.
What do you call a lethargic policeman? Under cover.
What's polytheism? The worship of polyester.
What do you call someone from Scandinavia? A Scanner.
What's the only cutlery available that gives you the ability to eat furniture? The tablespoon.
What's the guitarist from Guns 'n' Roses's pet dog called? Slash Puppy.
Which people are best at coming up with melodies? Tune-isians.
What's it called when the gas hydrogen, completely screws up its stand-up routine? A hydrogen bomb.
Why have so many gyms angered Buddhists? Because they claim to be able to en-lighten people.
What do you call people who are undergoing tests? Test-ees.
Did you know that the word 'ignorant' wasn't an insult until Hitler came along. Originally it meant someone who ignored ranting, but the dictator wasn't having any of that.
What kind of dessert do all prisoners want? Pa-rolls.
We all know many animals get slaughtered, but did you know bullying is just as common for them? In particular, when they get roasted.
Why do thoughtful people move so slowly? Because they're ponderous.
What's it called when you repeatedly flatter a Scottish person? Butterupscotch.
How did the incompetent gymnast break the law? She fell on knee.
Which letter of the alphabet is used most by bakers? Cook E.
What do you call a GG Allin guitar break? Wishful thinking.
What's a pillowcase? Psychopathic bed clothing.
What's the only illness metals can get? Metal lurgy.
Which religious people make the best cooks? Fryers.
What do you call a woman ruler? A rule-ette.
What do you call someone who's really good at finding things? Profound.
What's the plant that can by far survive the hottest temperatures? The sunflower.
Why are all biscuits rubbish? Because they're crumby.
Why are there no vegetarian astronomers? Because they can't stand seeing meatier showers.
What are the world's tallest pies called? Pielongs.
What do you call aggressive crimes that happened in the past? Retrogressive.
What do you call someone who is about to be handed some cloth? Prefabricated.
Why are there so many OAP car mechanics? Because when they're too old to continue working in their previous jobs, they re-tire.
What's the most basic form of music? Tech-no.
Why is it that when you try and kill a vampire, they always come back to life and improve themselves? Because they revamp.
What do you call a step that is immediately above the one below it? A stepbrother.
Do you know why so many newts go missing? Think about the conversations the pet owners have with the people they're asking help from. E.g., 'have you seen my newt?' 'Minute what?' 'Have you seen my NEWT?' 'Minute what?' 'MY NEWT!' 'Minute what??' etc., etc...
Why are the fish that are best at swimming so flammable? Because they're made out of powerfin.
Why is ska music so weird? Because it's offbeat.
My faith in the justice system was greatly tarnished when I found out that all judges are judgemental. Really? There's not one sane one out there??
What do you call someone who can't juggle? A juggle-naught.
What's a heel? A laughing eel.
What does enrage mean? Rage coming from a Frenchman. (Yes, more of a visual joke than one that can be said).
Which musician is most afraid of eggs? Yolk oh, oh no.
Did you know Jesus Christ was a great guitarist? His favourite chord was Je-sus 2.
What's the point of vacuum cleaners, if there's nothing in vacuums anyway? (Probably done before, possible by my old physics teacher).
Do you know what the first ever app was? It was an app ointment.
What do you call someone who doesn't know anything about media? A medi-ummmm....
What items of clothing are most likely to get stained? Tea shirts.
Why are crisps classed as high technology? Because they're micro chips.
What's the only country in the world, who's name describes it's main trade? Jam Maker.
What do you call a small post? A tad pole.
Why are young sheep feared in jail? Because they have lamb shanks.
How come so many businessmen never had parents? Because they're self-made.
How come self-centred people never run out of money? Because they sell fish.
What's it called when an emo moves? Emotion.
What was the world's least successful chocolate snack called? The handlebar.
Didn't bands like Motley Crew wear some crazy garbs? I used to love their heavy riffage and garbage.
What do you call someone who uses a rented toilet? A loo tenant.
Why are bread makers so lazy? Because they're loafers.
Why should no holy person put a fan in his loft? Because the room would end up being a religious fan attic.
Which people are the most bipolar? Germanic people.
Which letter of the alphabet is most competent? N able.
How come people on diets are so spiritual? Because they enlighten themselves.
What do you call a hoodie on drugs? A lively hood.
What have small, freshwater turtles and upturned drawing pins got in common? They're both terror pins.
What is the only circumstance where you can legally destroy money? When you eat a payroll.
If you want a successful relationship, why shouldn't you do too much gardening? Because those who do, love lawn.
Why are sailors so mischievous, yet socially desirable? Because they're naughty-cool.
What was the most popular drink in biblical times? Ark ade.
Why are ants that come from abroad so valued? Because they're import ants.
What is the most powerful household waste? Dust might.
I was thinking about becoming an organ donor, but then I learnt that other people are organisms. In other words, people who hate organs.
When booking an appointment with a chiropractor, make sure you're speaking very clearly. If you someone mishears you as saying 'pyropractor', you'll get your back set on fire.
What's the only job someone can have, after being cremated? Dustman.
What do you call a Gurkha inside a building? A gherkin.
What do you call a mobster who is good at throwing things? A lobster.
What's the only animal that is both a meat and a fruit? The gooseberry.
What do you get if you pour concrete on the sun? A sunset.
Lions may be kings of the jungle, but do you know what the kings of the countryside are? Reigndeers.
Why should you never give calculators as Christmas presents? Because it should be the thought that counts.
Why do football managers want their players to be unhappy? So they go on strike.
Did you know that many of the classical composers of the past got inspiration from their cats? Beethoven loved his kitty so much, he wrote 'Moonlight Sonata, Oh Puss 27', about it.
What's the name of the woman who's most likely to be headbutted? Nut Meg.
What do you call a crazy, incompetent cleaner? Insanitary.
Why should no one seeking dementia treatment visit Egypt? Because they'll see Nile.
Did you know that having facial hair is the main excuse for leaving a party. Ever heard the phrase 'anyway, moustache'?
Who was the Norse God of frozen food? Thaw.
What are the most sociable materials? Met alls.
Why are flat batteries so charming? Because they're flatteries.
Why does Jesus now live in a Ford factory? Because he lives in car nation.
What do you call chocolate that has gone crazy? Cocoa nuts.
What's the only bird that is both animal and mountain? The part-ridge.
What month of the year is unhappiest and most likely to get disrespected? Diss May.
Sniffing glue may cause a temporary high, but in the end it only leads to unhappiness. The phrase 'glue me' sounds like 'gloomy' for a reason.
Which race of people are most likely to be overlooked? IgNordic.
What do pig keepers and people who use mallets have in common? They're both hammers.
Why do asteroids prefer American roads to English ones? Because they are meteor-rights.
Why do people feel cold when they listen to triplets? Because they listen to freeze.
What fruit is usually eaten when someone is getting ready for something? Pre-pear.
What's the illness called when someone whinges about not being able to afford the latest trends? New moania.
Why are men who deliver letters from the future? Because they're post-men.
Why are spooky soups the best kinds of soups? Because they're soup-eerier.
What food is best at opening doors? Keysh.
Why are sharks so good at operating new technology? Because once they loose their old teeth, they become newfangled.
Where does most of the money from the sea come from? The fish nett.
Why should devas never say anything? Because that would be deva-stating.
Why are people called Eddy more likely to be sectioned than anyone else? Because there are so many Ed wards.
Why are people who don't know about radios so toxic? Because they radi-ummmm.
Why are women who make small statues of men wrong all the time? Because they're miss gnomers.
What do you call an old woman who's good with her fists? A hand bag.
Did you know that the sailors of the past got to sleep by making fun of pigs? What did you think ham mocks were?
Why are worms good at selling things to people? Because when you chop them in two, they grow back and re-tail.
How can you spot an undercover agent at a restaurant? They eat spy-sy food.
What's a drug dealer's preferred method of transport? A speedboat.
Why do journalists get through so many innertubes? Because they're prone to pun-ctures.
What's the most unreliable explosive? Dyna-might.
Why does Theresa May's parrot twitch all the time? Because Polly tics.
Why are shorter barns more holy? Because of the hay low.
Why do narcissists make great sponges? Because they're self-absorbed.
Eating too much salt in the Winter is very unhealthy, but Summer salting keeps you fit.
Did you know that people in the past all got the same marks for their exams? Yes, they all got retro grades.
Why are masochists so successful? Because they're self-discplined.
Why are rich people so grumpy and bitter? Because they're worth their salt.
Why are concrete paths so mysterious? Because people often wonder what the pave meant.
Why must bees never train other bees to use lasers? Because if they did, they'd spread ray bees.
What do you call English kidney stones? Limestones.
What type of grass is most likely to get disapproved of? Bam-boo!
Why should you never give a hive to someone with anxiety? Because that will make them bee set with worry.
Why was the woman's gloves always separated from all her other clothes? Because they're her mitts.
What do you call a comedy gig? A giggle.
Why are cows so great at making milk? Because they lack toes. (Is that original??)
What do you call someone who is mildly introverted? Semi-detached.
What do silly silly doctors call flu medication? Anti-sneeze.
What number is most unhygienic? Germ in eight.
What do you call badly performed pop music? Slop.
Why are people called Dominic so law abiding? Because everyone wants free Dom.
What vegetable is most prone to dizziness? Spinach.
Why shouldn't you be too enthusiastic around a huntsman? Because if you say 'I'm game' he may shoot you.
What do you call a bit of dirt on a dictator? A spectator.
What do you call two parents who sleep in the same bed as each other? Nap-kins.
What gang colour is most deadly? Blue for Crips or red for Bloods? No, it’s gang green.
What’s it called when ducks go in the water to get food? Inducktion.
Why were ropes used for tethering invented? For a guy called Larry, who kept running away. People kept asking ‘where’s Larry at?’
Why are outdoorsy people cleverer than people who spend most of their time at home? Because they out-smart.
What types of clothing are never worn by serious criminals? Petty coats.
Who is the world’s richest pilot? Billy on air.
What are evolutionary biologists famous for when it comes to comparing men and monkeys? Their attention to de-tail.
What do you call someone who spends ages making sculptures from bushes? A hedge hog.
The devil is in the detail. It’s also in devilopment.
Did you know that Fanta are planning to release a new kind of glue? They’ll all it Fantastick.
When walking in open land for the public, always beware of tics. It’s common sense.
Why did Emmy leave the country the moment she sliced cheese? Because she Emmy grated.
People are so disinterested nowadays. We are living in so sigh-ity at the moment.
What’s the saddest hat? The sombrero.
What are Hindu’s most treasured foods? Om-lettes.
At what events are you most likey to get an ankle injury? The O-limp-ics.
Did you know no babies named ‘Ian’ came out last year. That’s why the Serb Ian population has plummeted.
Who’s the only drunk disciple mentioned in the bible? The one describing the Simon on the mount. (Or as he put it ‘the Sermon on the mount’).
The word ‘ottoman’ means ‘a low padded seat without a seat or arms’. That’s not to be confused with the Ottoman Empire, which was something completely different.
What’s the full name of the cheese that breaks your legs when you eat it? Put-the-stilt-on.
Did you know that in many countries your wife is not allowed to fall over. No wife falls.
What are the only vegetables that are produced by animals? The peas from peacocks.
If water isn’t combustable, how do you explain cloudbursts?
What do you call someone who films people in the sunlight? Day vid.
What’s the name of the world Judo champion? Jeff Throw.
What’s the name of the person most likely to be carjacked? Car Loss.
What’s the name of the person most likely to be a graffiti artist? Mark.
What’s the name of the person most likely to be a magician? Pat Trick.
Why do doctors make great road builders? Because they’re experts in pathology.
Where do the world’s smallest dogs come from? Paw city.
Did you know that people can warm other people up, simply by giving a brief ‘hello’? All you have to do is give a microwave.
What drink is most abusive? Mocka.
What’s it called when a drummer gets concussion? Percussion.
Why do printers have emotional difficulties? Because they have re-pressed memories.
Why does saying the eight times table make maths teachers so dizzy? Because they rote eight.
Why do people who manage fruit stands have to be experts in restoration? Because after they sell everything, they re-pair.
What’s the one thing all indie bands have in common? They all come from India.
What do bankers call poor people who ask for million pound loans? Overdaft.
What’s are the most fun things for physicists? Party-cles.
Why do footballers make rubbish gameshow contestants? Because they pass all the time. (Has to have been done before. Maybe not though).
Why was the sound quality coming from large wooden microphones so poor in Shakespearian times? Because all that were available were mono-logs.
What are the lowest ranking police officers called? Handkerchiefs of police.
Why are stylish people so secretive? Because they’re class-ified.
What have chocolates and the world’s most unimaginatively named company have in common? Cocoa/Co. Co.
What shape is most elusive? The octa-gone.
Why shouldn’t too many families eat toast on the beach? Because they would overwork the toastguard.
What type of knot was also the least successful drink of all time? Cockade.
Do deprived and tacky schools have class rooms, or are they just called ‘rooms’?
What’s the title of the world’s most skilled janitor? ‘Minesweeper’.
Why do atmospheric guitarists like describing what they do, over and over? So they re-verb.
Why did Django Reinhardt’s admirers dance? Because they did the fandjango.
University work is getting easier and easier. Did you know that even posts can graduate, now?
Why is condensation on the ear so attractive? Because it’s mist earious.
Why did the mental health of the country decline after the phasing out of hand operated steam engines? Because self-esteam also declined.
What was the world’s largest and worst juggler called? Juggle Naught.
Why should you never give rum to football hooligans? Because they’ll rum-ball.
Why is important to wash your car regularly? No one wants to eat from a dirty plate, and number plates are no different.
Why are mathematicians so powerful? Because they’re figureheads.
Why should ancient guitar players never give polls? Because they would poll-lute.
Why do old and wrinkly people make productive journalists? Because they have so many headlines.
Who was the most idealistic law enforcer in the Wild West? Posse Billy T.
Who was history’s most notorious oil thief, who was constantly monitored when caught? ‘Patrol’ Liam.
What are the products that are imported furthest away from civilisation? Sun glasses.
What do impressed woodwind players say, when they see a pleasing knot with two loops? Oh, bow!
What’s Hannibal Lecter’s favourite city? Liver Pool.
When will a man know when his spouse will die? A midwife will visit him with a calculator, and times her age by two.
How does a Scouse American Indian say ‘hello’? ‘House’.
What kind of shoes do unqualified and immoral x-ray operators wear? Scandals.
What do you call someone who scans the insides of birds? Scandinavian.
What do compassionate people and ghosts have in common? They’re both selfless.
Why are old people preoccupied with legs or people native to their country? Because they are see knee or citizens.
Why do defective arms manufacturers make good advertisers? Because they come up with many slow guns.
I find it ironic that birds with sore wings can’t soar.
What’s the only kind of dance where no one wants to see it, no matter how good it is? The riddance.
What should you never give someone with vertigo? Spinach.
What’s the hardest karate move? The roadblock.
Why do all business men fear the wettest time of the year? Because it’s the liquid date.
What’s the hairiest space equipment in the world? The stubble telescope.
Why should women giving birth have shoes ready for their babies? So the latter don’t stub their toes and become stub born.
Why do people who seek after soups make natural commercial aircraft staff? Because they are stew-wards.
What animals make the best spies? Peeking ducks.
What’s the only magazine devoted solely to petrol called? Benzine.
Why did so many partially deaf soldiers die in the world wars? Because they misheard ‘minefield’ as ‘mine feel’.
What’s the vehicle that all bus drivers fear will put them out of work? The omnibus.
What kind of musicians do ducks hate the most? Con-duckers.
Why did the man who tripped over get arrested? Because he fell on knee.
Why should you never reason that a football team will score no goals in front of the devil? Because that would infer nil.
What’s it called when a mollusc finds a partner? Pulling a mussel.
Where do violent, large black birds hang out? The crow bar.
How come the planet Saturn makes a noise? Because it has a ringtone.
What’s it called when the Loch Ness monster gets an illness? An ill-Ness. Hm, exactly the same.
What animal is most prone to diabetes? The jellyfish.
What’s it called when a prisoner says ‘hello’? A crime wave.
Why are executioners so chilled out? Because they like hanging.
What do physicists call fun parties? Party cools.
If someone says to you they ‘idealise’, it could mean two things. Either they’re positive and unassuming, or they’re rogue morticians who literally deal eyes.
What are the most aggressive cleaners called? Knuckledusters.
What do you call a four-piece pop group who eat quartz? A quartz-et.
Why does joining a collective of people with similar interests make you immortal? Because the groups last for freternity.
What people are most likely to be victims of cannibalism? Stew-dents.
Why is there no dirt on the sun? Because it sunbathes.
In which places are people called Denise most likely to be sued? Sue-Denise places.
What part of the body is most likely to be teased in a friendly way? The rib cage.
Which people are most sympathetic to the rights of medieval weapons? Free lance people.
What’s the difference between a spaceship and an old heavy metal band? One has retrorockets, the other is a retro rock it.
Why are producers of young calves so bad at hiding things? Because they re-veal.
What’s the best treatment for bipolar disorder? A manic cure.
What’s the most extreme form of deadpan humour? Dustpan humour.
What do you call a French marine? A latrine.
What do you call a mathematician who makes his own clothes? Self-add/dressed.
When did people named Richard become the most popular people in the world? Since the introduction of the met Rick system.
What do you call someone who believes people are out to harm their shoes? Solenoid.
How come pouring tea on your legs shrinks them? Because it makes them tea-knee.
What’s it called when someone has their flesh reattached to them, after open stomach surgery? A re-belly-on.
What do you call someone who eats the expected, everyday foods? A nom-conformist.
Why do people stop becoming jokes when they go on a second cruise? Because they’re not one liners anymore.
Where does the most diabolical vowel live? In E ville.
What do you call browned skin from mineral springs? A spa tan.
What’s the only thing in the solar system that can add more light to the sun? A sunlamp.
What’s the main condition super adventurous and thrill-seeking astronauts have to watch out for? Sunstroke.
What do you call someone with a lisp, who can’t pronounce the phrase ‘so be it’? A Soviet.
What do you call someone with an empty stomach? A spaceman.
What part of the body is easiest to trick? The kid knee.
Why do destroyed aircraft help people learn? Because they ex-plane.
Which people are most likely to spontaneously combust? Lolly-pop ladies.
Why do influential physicians post a risk to electronics? Because they are power-surgeons.
Who was the world’s most bad tempered knight? Sir Lee.
What was the world’s first frozen food? Ice skate.
Where’s the one place salt on the road has no effect? On a slip road.
Why does Millie’s daughter also named Millie always think about time so precisely? Because she’s a Millie second.
What do you call a fast Englishman? A quicklime.
Why are five piece bands so important? Because they’re quintessential.
What do you call a rich man who gives surveys? A questionnaire.
What do you call a dog with two feet? A pawpaw.
What do you call a kind part time policeman? Po-lite.
What do you call a group of comedians? A polyjester.
Why are plates from harbours so descriptive? Because they port tray.
Did you know that originally the internet was used for drying clothes? That’s where the phrase ‘online’ comes from.
What’s the only knot that’s made from water? The rain bow.
Why should sensible pyramid shapes never be made from certain types of lubricant? Because that would make them silly cones.
Why do people love seeing others stand on half eaten apples? Because they want to see ‘on cores.’
Why do clever people dress well away from home? Because they out smart.
What was needed for the people who believed in the world’s craziest conspiracy theory? Oven proof.
What do you call a mysterious man behind the scenes, who is secretly ruling the world? A remote control.
What is a wall builder’s favourite drink? Blockade.
Why are soldiers who play heavy metal guitar so rebellious? Because they commit mute-iny.
Where’s the only place someone can get as drunk as they like, but not have his voice affected? At a speakeasy.
What birds make the best sailors? Spa-rows.
Why do people’s eyesight improve when they get educated on certain topic? Because they special eyes.
What do you call an evil person who hates gardening equipment? A spadist.
What do you call distant leather clothing? A hide away.
What kinds of gardens eat people’s stomachs? Arbor-eat-tums.
What letter is both constantly monitored and mined? X-tracked.
What do you call someone who loves broken tractors? An ex-tractor fan.
What do you call a funny birth? A mirth.
What’s it called when someone sneezes during a jazzy sax solo? Snazzy.
What do physicists say when they get accused of cheating on their wives, and of having a string of relationships? ‘That’s just string theory’.
Which letter is most prone to narcissistic temper tantrums? N rage.
What was the reaction from people, as they saw the world’s stupidest company being started? They were dumbfounded.
Why should women never run the country? Because that would result in missrule.
What does the sun get on its holiday? A suntan.
Why are golfers so hardcore? Because they have lots of balls.
What do you call a parrot who is also a mechanic? A polytechnic.
Why does revving car engines result in both insight and joy? Because it causes rev-elation.
What’s it called when old onion friends get together? A re-onion.
Why should unhappy workers be kept away from match boxes? In case they go on strike.
What do you call a rubbish popsicle? Farcical.
What kind of dancers are angry with their profession the most? Breakdancers.
What do you call someone who hates the latest clothing styles? A fash-ist.
How do you know if your baker is a leading a double life as a security guard? He will pat roll.
What do you call a new rope? A newse.
Why should certain fruit never come in pairs? Because they would cause berry berry.
Why do bees go travelling when someone dies? Because they go on a bee quest.
Where do millipedes go to get drunk? The millibar.
What do injured imps eat? Imp pairs.
What do you call a small rock climbing course with its own special heating? A micro-climb-it.
What happens if you knight someone called ‘Jerry’? They perform Sir Jerry.
Why were the Egyptians such con artists? Because they had so many pyramid schemes.
What do you call a Spanish ring? A spring.
What do you call a siphon’s next of kin? A pump kin.
Why are people who tend to their sheep earlier than expected such liars? Because they pre-tend.
Why are opticians so angry? Because they eye rate.
What do you call a po-faced person who is feeling low? A polo.
What animal hybrid makes the best engineers, specialising in making things water-tight? The seal-ant.
What kind of rain is most painful? Sprain.
Why should you never say ’tan’ in front of the pope? Because that would be Say tan-ic.
What do you call a bike made for eyeballs? An icicle.
What do you call a group of people who perform funny magic tricks by inhaling helium? A gas trick band.
Why are igloos prone to catching fire when it’s dark? Because they ig-night.
Why do Jews have to drink tea all the time? Because that’s their Jew tea.
What do you call Indian butter in a freezer? A gheezer.
Why are certain fruit seeds so organised? Because they pre-pair.
What drink did returning home pirates get drunk on? Port.
What do you call someone who makes female gnomes, thinking they’re making male gnomes? A miss-gnomer.
What vehicle does the devil ride in? A hellicopter.
How do you punish a naughty river, in the hope of making it more efficient? Give it stream lines.
Why did inadequate gunslingers of the past always come up with memorable phrases? Because they were slowguns.
Why are mentally ill people called Adam so effeminate? Because they’re Madams.
How do you tell if your house is a male or a female? The male houses have housewives.
Why is it foolish not pay attention to ants? Because those who don’t are ignore-ant.
What do you call a stupid bull? An oxymoron.
What pudding do foreign maritime search and rescue teams eat? French Coast.
What’s the only psychiatric condition football goals can get? Post traumatic stress disorder.
What’s the main way well built gamblers try to get into Heaven? By using power dice.
Why did woolly mammoths have bad breath? Because they always tried to avoid spearmint.
Why can people named ‘Jack’ own automatic weapons? Because Jack uzis are perfectly legal.
Why do people who write terms and conditions also like to write stories about stolen containers? Because they write jar gone.
Why are people who look like telephones liars? Because they’re phoney.
Why are the centres of apples both brave and angry? Because they’re core-rage-ous.
Why are people who quit exams so hateful? Because they de-test.
Why are falling melons criminals? Because they’re felons.
Why do dogs make good roof builders? Because they’re woof-ers.
What’s the best kind of dance no one wants to see? The good rid-dance.
What’s an eagle’s favourite condiment? Spreadeagle.
What’s the form of classical music that’s hardest to hear? The qui-etude.
Why can people never hit dashboards effectively? Because when they do, it’s slapdash.
Why did the Loch Ness monster starve to death? It had loch jaw.
You should never put too much emotional pressure on the shopping lists you write, or you might get an infection. They can be prone to list hysteria, or in other words, listeria.
What kind of clothes does the pope of bacteria wear? Microbes.
Why does giving a thousand pounds to your dad ensure that he lives to an old age? Because that will make him a grandfather.
What’s the only disease pipes can get? Tube-erculosis.
What animal is most likely to phone someone up? The rang-utan.
Why do orcs give birth to flowers? Because they produce orc kids.
Why do people who frequently attend auctions create a gloomy atmosphere? Because they make more bids.
What bird is the most often seen? The More Hen.
What kind of athletes have the least hairy feet? Foot-balders.
How do alien judges travel? In Lordships.
What do you call an ill, people pleasing elephant? A sickophant.
What do you call an understanding keyboard? Synthpathetic.
Why are so many teachers stupid? Because they use the silly bus.
What’s the most evil instrument? The sinthesiser.
Why should you never say a well formed, evil sentence in front of a taxman? Because you’ll get charged with sin tax.
Why does washing pigs cause confusion? Because when you do, it’s hogwash.
Why is it dangerous for firefighters to become amateur standup comedians? Because they might fire bomb.
What do you call a robot that deals with money? A pay-tron.
If you ever seriously overcook your pan made food, you can always say you did it on purpose. You could say it’s pan ash!
What’s a music technician’s favourite food? Pan cake.
Why is the pope so generous with his money to his friends? Because he’s a pay pal.
What’s it called when a janitor gets offered work? A mopportunity.
Why are gridlocks sticky situations? Because they’re traffic jams.
Why do newly unshackled prisoners draw all the time? Because they freehand.
Why do charitable people make civilisations of bread? Because they make dough-nations.
Why do I crush so many frost covered cakes with my band? Because I sing on them.
Why are people who review sweet, dark red wines so artistic? Because they port rate.
What’s it called when a shark goes on a diet? A shark thin.
Why are regenerating, sentient trees so calm? Because they feel re-leaf.
Why do people in relay championships always bond with each other? Because they’re in relaytionships.
Where do inuits go to the toilet? In an ig loo.
What’s are punk musician’s favourite foods? Oi! Sters.
Why was the inventor of the bicycle declared mad? Because he said his wheels had spoke. Something like that anyway.
Why are celebrating bees so precious? Because they’re woo bees.
What animals are most likely to be sex pests? Rubber ducks.
Why are fed up stereos immersed in worlds of adventurous stories? Because they are sigh-fis.
Why are some cat’s eyeballs detrimental to one’s plans? Because they leopard eyes.
Why do fleas keep breaking the law? Because they are in fringe.
Why are surgeons evil? Because when they operate, they’re in human.
Why do Japanese people think they are parts of bigger humans? Because they keep saying they are Japan knees.
Why do digital age peas need to learn how to swim? Because they live in pea seas.
What do animals hate the most about drum solos? Snare drums.
Why are university dons reluctant to open doors? Because they’re not trained to handle don keys.
What country is least confident about its musical abilities? Tune is… a…. er….
Why are people from disadvantaged areas known for painting pictures of people? Because it’s a poor trait.
Why is the world’s nosiest person a winner? Because he pries.
What’s the most useless form of cutlery? The butter cup.
Why can actors always see where they’re going in the dark, without any technology? Because they have footlights.
Why do bees in captivity tend to say they aren’t worth anything? So they can be freebees.
What’s it called when someone makes something under par? A par snip.
Why do Christians believe the Earth was created by a higher power? Because it’s a plan-it.
Why did the ancient Egyptians become so poor? Because they took part in so many pyramid schemes.
What snake is most known for taking part in desert eating contests? The pie-a-thon.
What did the clothes shop keeper say, when someone was about to be killed by the stockings on sale? The end is nylon.
What do crazy people pull on Christmas? Nutcrackers.
What’s the only common functional structure you can eat? The pielon.
What kind of sportsmen are most likely to commit knife point robberies? Roller-bladers.
Why shouldn’t you put too much computer memory into snakes? Because they’ll have killer bites.
Why do people’s belly buttons have maritime military education? Because they’re naval.
What symbol do off-road motorcyclists worship? The moto cross.
Why are cats and dogs scared of using wi-fi? Because it petwifis them.
Why is Michael Angelo’s special 30 fret guitar so anxious? Because it’s fretfull.
Why does giving money to footballs weaken them? Because if makes them fee ball.
What is the only form of music that is completely based on psychology? Carl jungle.
What time of year are you most likely to get gangrene? Sept-ember.
Why are dwarves better at writing quickly than normal people? Because they have short hands.
What buildings do snakes live in? Ser-penthouses.
Why do Southern African mongooses have identity issues? Because people say they’re mere cats.
Why are all plays crazy? Because even the mellow dramas are over the top.
Why does the cool and funky Richard like cloth so much? Because he’s fab Rick.
Why are rock bands that get more successful in the charts so fit? Because they do so much rock climbing.
What do you call explorers who almost made it to the South pole? Polish.
What happens if you take a weird direct current power supply with you on a journey, and turn it on? You would start an odd DC.
If we can’t feel our bones, aren’t we all numbskulls?
Where do suicidal bacteria go on holiday? The germi-side.
Why do successful rock bands have fit members? Because they do so much rock chart climbing.
Why is it necessary to give painkillers to tea bags? Because sore teas are very militant.
Why should no one call their daughter ‘Penny’. Because when she dies, her family will be Penny-less.
What disease are talking birds most likely to get? Par-rot.
Why does saying ‘yes’ to Christmassy things cause swelling? Because doing is a nod Yule.
Why do rehearsing pop singers keep travelling backwards? Because they re-verse.
Why are children of people called Millie so accurate at time keeping? Because they’re Millie seconds.
What do you call sneaky knees? Sneeze.
Why are people who tear down their garden walls experts in martial arts? Because they self de-fence.
Did you know that salt water is carnivorous? What do you think seafood is?
Why do beaches have such good senses of their surroundings? Because they’re sea-sure.
What do you call a key for both a handkerchief and a frying pan? A hankie-pan key.
What do you call the person who wants to do something the most in the world? A hanker chief.
Why is it dangerous to tell someone not to look at stables? Because that would de-stable-eyes things.
What’s the contract Father Christmas gives to his elves called? The Santa clause.
Why is mist on antiques so fascinating? Because it’s mistique.
What do large lorries and people who can’t juggle have in common? They’re both juggle-noughts.
Why are two people needed to make staircases? Because you need a stepmother and a stepfather.
Why did the Romans imagine their empire to be much bigger than it was? Because they romanticised everything.
Why are field marshals so smelly? Because they out rank everyone.
What do you call rabbi Bill’s happy pet insect? Jew Bill ant.
What music did skiffle bands with colds play? Sniffle.
What’s the only building that is designed to house no one? A none-ary.
In which part of a car do drug dealers keep their merchandise? A gear box.
What do Latin Americans use as hair gel? Gelatin.
Why are news reporters overly possessive of their duvets? Because they have cover-rage.
What did historical cannons use to make themselves look prettier? Gun powder.
What bodies of water have the worst internet connection? Lag-oons.
How come the government knows exactly how many pins are in circulation? Because the things have pin numbers.
Why do kings feel threatened by deers with antlers? Because they’re reign deers.
Why was the first person who chopped off his enemy’s toe significant? Because he took the first foe toe.
Why are lofty people called Christopher so good at explaining things? Because they’re Chris tall clear.
Why do people celebrate when they weigh people called Christopher? Because they celebrate Chris mass.
Why are out of work mathematicians so confused? Because they’re non plussed.
What was it called when the Germans dropped sparkly painted bombs on London? The glitz.
What do birds that live by the sea and mermaids have in common? They’re both seabirds.
Why are seals that rip off other seals so stealthy? Because they con seal.
Why are plums the hardest fruit to farm? Because they come from plumbers.
Why do people get excited when they see Eminem doing the dishes? Because it’s a rap chore.
Why were the wheels of mini coopers the most advanced technology at the time? Because they were mini disks.
What’s it called when miners get ripped off? Mine shafted.
What do musicians with broken legs use to walk around? Crutchets.
Why should no one ever make a robotic kitten? Because it would electro-cute.
Why was the inventor of hoola hoops a troublemaker? Because he was a ringleader.
Why do the FBI hate going in lifts? Because it makes them fed up.
Why do people who cast too many spells turn into clouds? Because they overcast.
Why are huge patches of fog so dangerous? Because they’re extreme mists.
Why are modern see through weapons so deadly? Because they are new clear weapons.
What is the most polite form of heavy metal called? Gent.
What do you call someone who shows far too much sentiment? Sentimental.
Why should you never side with people called Jenny? Because that would be Jenny side.
Why are journalists always accused of assaults whilst sleeping? Because cover-rage is part of their job.
Why do janitors in the military have such dangerous jobs? Because they’re minesweepers.
Why are brainwaves so crazy? Because they’re out of their mind.
Which fruit are most likely to hunt animals illegally? Poaches.
Why was Robin Hood so annoyed all the time? Because he was mythed.
What do you get if you commercialise Korn’s music? Pop Korn.
What food do you make if you gently tap a tea pot? A pat-tea.
Why do people feel so much anger after building a tent? Because they have tent-up rage.
Why shouldn’t you show outdoor adverts to people called William? Because that will make them Bill bored.
Why do people say ‘goodbye’, when they pay for train tickets with the exact amount of money needed? Because they fare well.
What did the boss say, when the toilet cleaner got the job? You’re in!
What animal gets hurt the most? The m-ow-se!
Why do police self-reproduce when they go to the toilet? Because they cop pee.
Why are people so defensive when they think deeply? Because they have so many forts.
Why did Bach make so much money when he wrote four part counterpoints? Because he made four tunes.
What do you call a glib story about a Glock pistol? A glockenspiel.
Why is teaching fish to be confident so hazardous? Because it causes fish sures.
What are the only groups of people who are allowed to execute failing employees? Firing squads.
If pawns have such little value in chess, how come there are so many pawn shops?
What do you call a laddish adder? A ladder.
What are men from Portugal called? Portugeezers.
Why are questioning people so knowledgable? Because they’re whys?
What kind of elves are in all of us? Arse elves.
What’s the only part of a building that’s designed for throwing bees? The lob bee.
What’s the shortest note in music called? The minim-um.
How do you stop someone from stealing someone’s trophy? You prize him apart from it.
What’s the only music that can get you drunk? Rum-ba.
What do you call dog meat in a Subway? A sub-woofer.
Why did the world’s best pet love music so much? Because it was a trump pet.
What do you call a telepathic premonition? A tele-vision.
What do you plug into a dog to charge it up? A dog lead.
Why does death and destruction have such a go-getter attitude? Because it’s do-om.
Why are hula hoops so crazy when they go to the toilet? Because they go loop pee.
Why should imps never carry heavy weights? Because they’d imp load.
How do I make the tops of my massive cakes sweeter without adding sugar to them? I sing on them.
Did you know mansions don’t have toilets? No, they have real lets.
What’s a hen’s biggest fan? A more hen.
Why do people massively encourage the production of bread when they give to charity? Because they make a dough nation.
How come there are no unfinished underground prisons? Because they’re done-geons.
Why did criminal sailors of the past know so much about food? Because they were pie-rates.
Which people are the world’s biggest consumers of fizzy drinks in cans? Can ade-ians.
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What did the hair metal bands of the 80s call their songs? Hair cuts.
Why should being ill never be legal? Because that would be illegal.
Why are people called Katy at the bottom of the sea so good at finding things? Because they low Kate.
What’s the most rubbish plant? The cack tus.
What do you call the king of vegetable pizzas? The pea tsar.
What do small mothers and the number ‘zero’ have in common? They’re both mini mums.
What part of your house is most likely to earn you money? The win dough.
What do you call huge vegetarian ducks? Pea king ducks.
What’s it called when Greek bread makes quick light steps? Pita patter.
What do you call someone who hangs around gardens too much? A plant stalk.
Why do happy lions relate to flowers? Because they’re dandy lions.
What mythical creature is known for leading brief journeys? The minor tour.
What do women owners of bee farms do when they’re naughty? They miss beehive.
Why is the long hair of people called Hugh so kind? Because it’s Hugh mane.
Why do the wives of rulers cause so much trouble? Because they’re miss chiefs.
What do Germans get from waiters after eating their food? A Ger-bill.
Why are people who love examiners so rebellious? Because they’re pro-testers.
What’s it called when you date a Jamaican gangster? Court Yarding.
What do mountain flowers and vices not in use have in common? They’re both idle vices.
What do you call an eyelash in slime? Goo lash.
Why should women never cook steak? Because that would be a miss steak.
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but then penknife is mightier than the pen. It’s a two in one.
What do you call flawless confection? Perfection.
What do pigs leave when they die? A pig’s will.
Why do people who rebuild hospitals give away lots of great stuff? Because they re-ward.
Why does taking writing equipment away from ants make them reliant on others? Because they’re de-penned-ants.
What’s a businessman’s favourite desert? Profit-eroles.
Why do so many authors write about tree huggers? Because they write pro-logs.
Why does shining a torch in people’s faces make them dizzy? Because it makes them light-headed.
What did WW1 soldiers say when they finished laying barbed wire? Woo barb!
Why is it impossible to put carbonated drinks in virtual reality games? Because they’re fizzical.
Did you know that medieval monks were pilots from the future? That’s they wrote so many plane songs.
What do you get if you sprinkle pepper on someone’s fortune? Pepper mint.
Why do people bang their heads against walls when thinking hard? Because they whack their brains.
What kind of sweets cause the worst gum disease? Gum drops.
Why are women rubbish at firing guns? Because they miss fire.
What do you call a man from the future? A postman.
Why do terrorists tell people to wear multicoloured contact lenses? Because they radical-eyes people.
What’s the only weapon in the world that can only destroy one part of the body? The hand gun.
Why is it dishonourable to force someone to leave their chair? Because that act would be de-seat.
What’s the only vegetable in the world that is almost cool and groovy? The rad-ish.
Why are people who look after their tennis equipment criminals? Because they take part in protection rackets.
What animal questions things the most? The why no?
What’s the only type of clothing that is designed solely for cars? The mini skirt.
Why are people who hear other people saying ‘oooooo!’ so brave? Because they are hear-Os.
Where do British noblemen store their records? In duke boxes.
What do you call a Jamaican gangster who grew up on a farm? A farmyard.
What do you get if you neuter a peacock? A pea.
Why do people who meet drum kit repairers regret seeing them? Because they face repercussions.
How come footballs become so massive when they get lit up? Because it makes them glow ball.
What do some particles think of the idea of planting new forests? New tree? No.
What came before God? His God parent.
What do you call a worm prostitute? A hookworm.
What do you call an object that can recognise different types of fires? A fire distinguisher.
Why should houses wear woolly jumpers in the Winter? So they don’t become homesick.
Where do peas go on holiday? The peach.
Why do no peas go to Hell? Because when they die, they’re at peace.
Why should you never name a baby boy, Drake? Because when he’ll grow up, he’ll turn into a mandrake.
What’s the only animal that can use modern human technology? The mandrill.
What’s the most foolish element? Sillynium.
What do you call someone who hates farms? A farmacist.
Why must certain insects never use ramps? Because it makes them ramp-ant.
What do you call a millionaire quizmaster? A questionnaire.
What’s the best way of understanding someone’s mindset? Pour concrete on their brain.
Why are multiple hat buyers great at giving summaries? Because they re-cap.
What kind of religious people have the power to disable cars and motorbikes? Revver-ends.
What was the first computer that was so fast, it broke the sound barrier? The Apple Mach 1.
Who were the only people who could draw what the psyche looks like? Drew ids.
What do you call a mentally ill pea? A peanut.
What do you call someone who rents out pigs as pets? A pig let.
What do you call a gun designed for shooting the outsides of fireplaces? A mantel piece.
Why do frauds never want people to lightly tap tents? Because that would be a pat tent.
What kind of clothes are most economical for allies to wear in times of war? Free peace suits.
Why were ancient Egyptian rulers known for being good and honest boatmen? Because they were fair-rows.
What’s a giant Frenchman’s favourite food and band? Nine Inch Snails.
What’s a messy person’s favourite music? Jumble.
What’s a military percussionist’s favourite music? Drum and base.
Which people are most likely to bungee jump? People from Jump Leeds.
Why are people who teach walls to sing so dangerous? Because they teach fence sing.
Why are desert flautists so attractive? Because they’re piping hot.
Why are farmers so musical when they eat? Because they use pitch forks.
Why must you never damage your windows? Because you’ll cause them glass pain.
Why are radio presenters so friendly? Because they give out radio waves.
What do you call self-satisfied radiator fitters? Gladiators.
Why are rooms built above bedroom toilets prone to collapsing? Because they’re built on sweets.
Why are Radiohead so familiar with the sea? Because they come from Headland.
Why do people with paralysed eye muscles admire so many people? Because they idle-eyes.
Why do the army repeatedly put makeup and eyelash extensions on people? Because they want to re-cute as many people as possible.
Why were the people who took part in the sack race criminals? Because they ransacked.
Why are armed thugs so impressive? Because they’re nor to be sneezed at.
Why are there aquariums in nuclear power plants? Because people need to turn the nuclear fish on.
What do call a small burrowing marsupial with a gun? A wombatant.
Why are the people who measure aircraft thrust so infuriating? Because they thrust rate.
What’s the cheapest part of a pen? The pen knee.
What do you call the martial arts method, designed to protect you from pigs? Pork chops.
How come there are no mentally ill gay people? Because you only get straightjackets.
How come Carl Jung was an expert in fed up keys? Because he understood the sigh key.
What’s the cheapest way to get an ear ring? Stand next to a pneumatic drill.
Did you know that the first people to kneel on cliffs were the first people to invent the stereo system? In particular, the high thigh.
What do you call a fat peasant? A pheasant.
What part of an engine is most likely to get covered in urine? The pissed on.
What electrical device makes money from household items? The battery charger.
What’s a Christmas elf’s favourite form of music? The wrap-sody.
What do pennies and ants in holes have in common? They’re both pit ants.
What dance do you get if you give rum to a sheep? A rum baa.
What do devices for varying the resistance in electric circuits and facts about Brazil have in common? They’re both Rio stats.
What do short and thin Polish men and respectful people have in common? They’re both Pole-light.
What’s a nit’s favourite kind of clothes? Nitwear.
What do unambitious astronauts say? ‘The sky’s the limit’.
What’s the name of the Jew who celebrates the most? Jew Billy.
What plant is known for pinching Jews? The Jew nipper.
What do strong smells and kind male pun writers have in common? They’re both pun gents.
What animal feels the most pain? The ow-l.
Why did Shakespeare never cheat at card games? Because he was a play right.
What unit of measurement is most outgoing? The meeter.
Why does drinking beer make you brave? Because it gives you beer guts.
What drink do women Hebrews drink? She-brews.
What’s the worst food to eat if you have punctuality problems? Choco-late.
What’s higher education for failing students called? Eh? Levels.
What type of room is most likely to collapse? The mush room.
Why should young foxes always be occupied? Because if they’re not, they’ll turn into cub-boreds.
Why are sheep with speech impediments alcoholics? Because they keep demanding beeeeeeeer.
If clothes are what you wear, is your underwear your skin?
Why are vicars prone to setting fires? Because they’re parsonists.
Why do doctors say phrases their patients said after they get laser eye surgery? Because the patients are re-sighted.
Why do people married to people who avoid pens, end up having money later in life? Because they have a pen shun.
What food should women looking for partners never eat? Man go.
Why are boat drivers so used to considering many options? Because they’re familiar with ors.
Who are the people who give the wettest handshakes? Milkmen.
What professionals are most likely to bump into other cars, causing minor damage? Dentists.
What’s the only animal that always gives birth to bisexual males? The bi-son.
What ornament likes socialising the most? The mingle vase.
What do ancient Egyptian rules and reasonable letters have in common? They’re both fair-Os.
What do you call a loopy goose that’s new to the world? A noose.
Why is it important for restaurants to serve meals with many courses? Because those that don’t are non-starters.
Why should people never think about racetracks when focusing hard on something? Because they would cause laps in concentration.
Why are people who aren’t given many tasks to do, destined to become successful? Because they have few chores.
How come energetic and driven people are more likely to get banned from driving? Because they’re tireless.
What do you call people raised by Greek bread? Pitta-bred.
What do you call a drunk moustachioed person? A pissed-achio.
Why do criminals put dried grass in small, roadworthy trucks? Because they want a safe hay van.
Why are messy chefs so original? Because they’re pie on ears.
How come drummers never leave their set? Because they play drum with’ems.
Why do people need see-through insects to get into MI5? Because they need clear ants.
What insects are most likely to become witches? Coven-ants.
How come the best houses are made out of fish? Because there’s no plaice like home.
If people are so concerned about machines overthrowing mankind, why do people keep making machine guns?
What do you call a policeman wearing a gown? Robe-o cop.
What number is best for tackling noise pollution? Quiet ten.
What do you call someone who keeps lying about his sleeping habits? A bull dozer.
What workers hate their areas of expertise the most? Electri-shuns.
Why do minorities want to fill massive holes with mushy vegetables? Because they want things to be pea sea.
What’s the least nutritious and most bland meal? The desert.
Which race of people are the biggest wine producers? Cork Asians.
Which part of the house is Indian food mostly made in? The curry door.
What was the T-Rex’s favourite fruit? Raaaaghsberry!
Why does The Gherkin in London cause more blindness than any other building? Because it’s an eye sore.
How do you catch a criminal bee? In a bee sting.
Why are arrogant people known for taking drugs and being indecisive? Because they are high and might-y.
What’s the only fish that can survive out of water and in people’s homes? The flat fish.
What’s the only the fruit that hates the elderly? The ban-nana.
What unit of money is most likely to harm others? The pound.
What’s the difference between a sea cow and a relaxed man? One’s a manatee and the other’s a man at ease.
Why do solicitors prefer not to work with glass containers? Because they work well with jar-gone.
What’s God’s favourite chord? G sus.
What do owners of small money carrying bags and the part of the psyche that is revealed to others have in common? They’re both purse owners.
What’s the difference between cold weather and grieving songs about ink? One’s inclement and the other’s ink lament.
In what kind of residences do people speak the most? Mo-tells.
What drink keeps getting bigger and bigger? Larger.
What’s the name of the person who has given the most amount of weddings? Super Marry-O.
What’s the messiest form of music? Gunge.
What’s are sheep’s favourite colours? Greys.
Why do big people called Christopher make good public speakers? Because they’re Chris tall clear.
What sign of the Zodiac is represented by baked pastry dishes on large bodies of water? Pie seas.
What sign of the Zodiac is represented by a very large vehicle that takes visitors sightseeing? Tour bus.
What animals are the biggest assholes? Jerk chickens.
Why did Jesus keep a fridge? To perform mirror cools.
What fish makes the most excuses? Hali but…
What musicians don’t know what they’re doing? Drum-errrs.
What do you call a rabbit with a knife? A hare cutter.
Where’s the best place to find a secondhand airliner? At a jumbo sale.
What’s the worst thing about an ancient man? He’s technically man yore.
What’s do physicists want to do to people called Ronald? Elect Ron.
What was the world’s most unsuccessful pizza? Pepper only.
What’s the difference between the mafia and earplugs? One creates protection rackets, the other gives protection from rackets.
Why is it an explosive thing to claim territory as your own? Because doing so is a land mine.
Why is space so crazy? Because it’s groundless.
Why do good looking doors make everything ok? Because they’re hunky-doory.
Why must people maintain traditions? Because if they don’t, it’s against the lore.
What’s the only sweet that gets you kind of drunk? Liquor-ish.
How do people call Linda reproduce? By Linseed.
What plant to all pilots fear? Flax.
Why do businessmen like diving into trophies? Because they enter prize.
What do fish hook makers and haircutters have in common? They’re both barbers.
What material makes the most mistakes? Fluff.
What do you call a small child given an easy task? A doddler.
Why do basic rules give money to crazy people? Because they fund da mental.
Why should people cycle the same route twice a day for the environment? So they recycle.
What do you call a prison cell with two prisoners who hate each other? A red blood cell.
What do people called Ronald like to travel in? Ron buses.
What does 12 o’clock at night and a warrior in training have in common? They’re both mid knights.
Why do aged manufacturing plants have a sense of smell? Because they’re old factories.
Why do female fish keep losing things? Because they miss-plaice.
Why are policemen’s toothbrushes felons? Because they brush with the law.
Why does the world’s best pen never come first on a list? Because it’s the penultimate.
Why does the devil spend so much time on the toilet? Because he’s Loo Sitter.
What’s the only part of a building that’s acceptable to write on? Wall paper.
What’s a mouse’s favourite kind of synthesiser? A mouse pad.
Why do people shift shape if they train to ride horses? Because they become horsemen.
What animal is kind of religious? The monk-y.
What word never fails tests? The pass word.
What form of cutlery is most likely to topple over? The T cup.
Why does the world’s most accident prone music shop owner keep pushing boundaries? Because he’s a record breaker.
Why is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body so bubbly? Because he has a large fizz-ique.
What’s a sailor’s favourite biscuit? Boatcake.
What do you call food for people easily annoyed? Sheesh kebab!!
What do dominating people and super powerful BB guns have in common? They’re both overbearing.
What do you call Einstein in a hit and run? Ram-Stein.
What do you get if you throw a novel at a librarian’s head? Facebook.
What do electrical failures and mohawks have in common? They’re both power cuts.
What do you get if you gargle oil? A garg-oil.
What part of the planet do you find the most vowels? The O zone.
Why do women in makeup make furniture fall apart? Because they use nail vanish.
What’s the only food that comes from man made objects? The wall nut.
What do you call an oxygen starved snitch who likes country music? Blue grass.
Why is it beneficial for computer geeks to keep a key in isolation? Because it will turn into a key-bored.
What’s the name of the person most likely to be a grass cutter? Mow.
Why do fake Cornettos make high pitched sounds? Because they’re false-ettos.
Why are people who make leashes so good at organising others? Because they’re lead-ers.
Which animal prefers not to sing real words? The laaa-ma.
If gynaecology is the branch of medicine concerned with women, what is the male version? Guynaecology.
Why does the army fear children with water pistols? Because they’re jet fighters.
What letters of the alphabet are most musical? P’n’O.
Why do torture-murderers mock maths? Because they diss-figure.
What’s a golfer’s favourite spread? Putter.
What do you call impressive artwork made by ballpoint pens? Birotechnics.
What animals are most likely to be anarchists? Putsch-ies.
What items of clothing always remain fresh? Polo shirts.
What do you call a metal parrot? Polychrome.
What ancient weapons were designed specifically for women? Broad swords.
What religious messengers have the most untidy bedrooms? Messy-ers.
Why do participants of all kinds suffer from mild pain? Because they part-ache.
Why are people from Japan so skilful? Because they do things with Japan-ease.
What colourful toy is most prone to accidents? The collide-oscope.
What prophet was most rebellious? No-er.
What kind of ammunition is impossible to be fired out of smart guns? Dumdum bullets.
What do the elderly say when they see a vegetable? ‘Oh, a pea!’
What’s above puppies in the food chain? A pup-et.
Why does the president of America love forests? Because of the tree Trumps.
What do you get if you cross a ballpoint pen with a door opening device and a part of the leg? A bic-key-knee.
Why do people get unlimited energy in sub-zero temperatures? Because they get free zing.
What happens to rodents named Faye? They become Faye-mouse.
Why do octogenarians have multiple personalities? Because they have 8 different sides.
What’s the most active part of the human body? The hair do.
Why do moths hate parties? Because they’re moth balls.
What are the most warming songs to listen to? Cover songs.
Why are cup makers dangerous? Because they’re muggers.
What do curved strips over bicycle’s back wheels and people who protect swamps have in common? They’re both mud guards.
What do 1,000 watts and confused assassins have in common? They’re both kill, er… whats?
Why should people called Jack build things with clay and then strike what they make? So they hit the Jack pot.
What’s Yngwie Malmsteen’s favourite cereal? Shreddies.
What soap do once successful and now out of work actors use? Wash up liquid.
What do people who specialise in oral cleanliness and people who say ‘hello’ to people called Gene have in common? They’re both hi-Gene-ists.
What do you call someone who is good at tolerating baseballs being thrown at him? A ball bearing.
What do you call Shania Twain’s chauffeur? A Twain driver.
What musical instrument is best suited to indifferent people? The sigh-lophone.
Why are bees so obedient? Because they beehive.
What’s God’s favourite brand of bread? Jehovis.
Why should guitarists never put their plectrums in their trousers? Because if they did, their clothes would be pick pockets.
Where do the ultra-wealthy keep their money? In biggy-banks.
Why do kings and queens care so much about the environment? Because they want to protect the reign forests.
What do Christian ministers and broken cars have in common? They’re both revver-ends.
Why are quiet ants so freakish? Because they’re mute ants.
What do you call a musk rat with an ancient gun? A musket-rat.
What do you get if you talk to God in a sloped position? A pray-lean.
Why are tablets on the floor so comforting? Because they’re pill-lows.
What do bulliers of pigs and canvas beds suspended from two supports have in common? They’re both ham mocks.
What do you call someone smoking two spliffs at the same time? Double-jointed.
What’s the most common food in China? Chow main.
Why were novelty pot makers the first people to work with biological weapons? Because they made small pots.
Why do short people called Carl attract so much activity? Because they’re low Carls.
Why are women conductors so badly behaved? Because they’re miss conducters.
Why do hedonists make sure the letter ‘x’ never moves, by handling it themselves? Because they feel x static.
Why do butchers shops always fail? Because they’re fruitless.
What’s the only medical condition the sun can get? Sun stroke.
Why are men with hairy lips always on the go? Because they must dash.
What do computer geeks say to something that’s rubbish? It mega-bites.
What have critical people and thieves of farmyard motor vehicles got in common? They’re both de-tractors.
What do you get if you see a hacker? A hacksaw.
Why can gourmet chefs save the world from epidemics? Because they’re epicures.
Why do wrinkled clothes inside houses keep getting more common? Because they in-crease.
What do you call the study of someone’s identity? ID-ology.
What do you call a sheep celebrating? A lamboree.
What material is the most often viewed by people? Plasti-seen.
Why are lofty beers so savage? Because they’re brew-tall.
Why are people named Dominic so liked by the justice system? Because everyone wants free Dom.
Why do people making star shapes with their body reveal the truth? Because they x-pose.
What’s the only letter of the alphabet with vision? I-sight.
Where do encyclopaedia writers get their material from? Fact-ories.
Why do saxophonists feel at ease when they play? Because they use a mouth peace.
What number did Attila the Hun fear the most? A Hun-dread.
Why do people love wrapping Christmas presents? Because it’s a wrap-chore.
Why are dishonest electricians so hard to understand? Because they con-fuse.
Where are acts of road-rage most likely to occur? Crossroads.
Why are the musicians in Meshuggah so nice? Because they’re djentlemen.
What’s the most useful part of an engine? The engine ear.
What causes most yachts to capsize? The kitchen sink.
What animal is known for resting on various things? The lie-on.
Why should peaceful people never step on dried grass? Because that would be hay-tread.
What do you call a musical work dedicated to a cat? An oh-puss.
What material likes maths the most? Multi-plywood.
What do you call the study of rotting fish? Icky-ology.
What perfume do yobs wear? Affray-grance.
Why are people who use pneumatic drills prone to getting electric shocks? Because they wear ear plugs.
What’s the only animal on Earth that can never leave the planet? The Earth worm.
Why do trees in Autumn make good spies? Because they leavesdrop.
Why are hairdressers that work outside the best? Because they out-do.
Why is Michael Angelo’s special guitar so anxious? Because it’s fret-full.
What sauce is most annoying? Pest-o.
What is the main symptom of taking tea away from rowdy school children? They become naught-tea.
Why is it good to pour concrete on an arm with eggs on it, then pull it? Because you’ll set an eggs arm pull.
Why does the letter ‘X’ produce the best berries? Because it X seeds.
What’s it called when people with brown eyes go crazy? Hazelnuts.
Why should you never tell the number eight to be quiet? Because you will make it mute-eight.
How does a confused Satan deliver parcels? He devilers them.
What’s a general’s favourite condiment? Muster.
Why do people’s friends in stadiums always have symmetrical names? Because they’re pals in domes.
What type of horse has to have a strong smell for it to survive? The must tang.
Why are rock guitarists more likely to fall asleep behind the wheel? Because they overdrive.
Why are shoppers always insulted? Because they’re cussed-omers.
Why are the ears of people with tinnitus dishonest? Because they’re racket-ears.
What’s a dyslexic judge’s favourite food? Fudge.
What kind of jewellery causes the most tinnitus? The ear ring.
What’s a soldier’s favourite part of an apple? The corps.
What kind of singer hates ten pound notes the most? The counter-tenner.
Why do psychiatrists stop other people’s plans from happening? Because they’re cancellers.
Which animal suffers from the worst sore throats? The hoarse.
What’s a mathematician’s favourite sport? Figure skating.
Why are the best demolishers so charming? Because they use flattery.
What does a potato and minced lamb based Greek meal and a gullible moose have in common? They’re both moose suckers.
Why did the ancient Romans try to be realistic artists? Because they tried to de-Pict.
Why should sane judges never be too critical? Because that would make them judge-mental.
Why do foreigners swear at people called Nicholas? Because they F nick.
Why are ostriches so lonely? Because they’re ostrich-ised.
What do captured boats and dating have in common? They’re both caught ships.
Why do people named Eddy become felons if they don’t maintain good posture? Because they become Crook-Ed.
What happens to young foxes if you lock them in a featureless room? They become cub-boreds.
What athletes insult people and swear the most? Diss, cuss throwers.
Why is bad if you insult the wind? Because you will cause diss-gust.
What do you call a good looking person’s bath? A dishwasher.
In what era were doctors most cruel? The medi-evil period.
What does a million watts and the world’s most outrageous person have in common? They’re both mega what’s?!
What do you call someone who doesn’t like Korn’s music? An a-Korn.
What do horses use to clean up: Hoofers.
Why did the fish get covered in graffiti in the open spaced shop? Because it was the mark-it-plaice.
Where do Christmassy theatre actors get their underwear from? The pant-o-mine.
Why do cats and dogs stay away from small facts? Because they’re de-tails.
Why should kings never swim in ponds? Because they’ll be prone to kingfishers.
Other than the head, where’s the only place you can wear a cap? On the knee.
Why are clueless shoppers always tired? Because they’re listless.
Why are the lock openers of buildings that grind grain into flour always white? Because they’re mill key.
In which English city are people most likely to trip up? Leads.
Which English city provides the most dodgy meat? Knot in ham.
Which English city has the most blood-contaminated swimming pools? Liver pool.
What clothes do farmers wear? Plough-sers.
What do jumbo jets and the world’s most boring chocolate bars have in common? They’re both Aero-plains.
What do you get if you put a wagon carrying pens on an edge of a mountain? An ink-cart-ridge.
What’s the only hand to hand combat that allows the use of fire? Match boxing.
Why is it dangerous to eat with a tiny arachnid? Because that would be dine-a mite.
What’s the smallest man-made vehicle in the world? The forklift truck.
What’s a yak’s least favourite drink? Con yak.
Why does time slow down if you think in the evening? Because when you do, it’s a thought night.
What’s the only instrument that eats sheep? The chew-baa.
Why are horrible people called Linda so musical? Because they’re vile-Lynns.
Why do racists hope lasers get blisters? So they will also be ray-cysts.
What’s the only shape that can cure a septic infection? The sept-a-gone.
Why do people who hang around with people called Michael have great musical awareness? Because they’re with Mick.
Why are some cars leaders in biotechnology? Because they’re hatch-backs.
What musical devices are produced by bicycles? Pedal tones.
Why do trendy men have a round body shape? Because they’re sir-cools.
Why do shy people like to inhale people called Gregory’s breath? So they can be Greg-air-rious.
What do you call someone behaving like and idiot in Iceland? Iceland dick.
Why does time seem to go faster when you sleep? Because you rest through the small hours.
Why do birds eat worms? Because they’re foul.
What does a Roman Catholic say to a cool person called Jeremy? Jez, you it!
What’s a vehicle thief’s favourite colour? Car key.
Where do strangely funny people called Catherine live? In Cathy drolls.
Why do atonal composers write music in their colourful lofts? Because they’re chrome-attics.
Why do lonely people keep wild pigs that say ‘no’? So they can have nay boars.
What vegetable do you give someone called Lee, if they ace a test? Pass-Lee.
Why were ancient Greek soldiers so well dressed? Because they were Smarten warriors.
What gun is most impressive? The ooo-zi!
What type of clothes does the letter ’S’ use to hide from others? The S cape.
Why do the brothers of people called Kenneth feel so much despair? Because they’re bro-Ken.
What’s the only biblical story about Van Halen? The grapes of Roth.
What’s a mathematician’s favourite time of year? Sum-mer.
What’s a mathematician’s favourite food? Takeaway.
Why is space so peaceful? Because no music is heavy, there.
Why are bodybuilders so arrogant? Because they’re vain-y.
Why are written messages so open-minded? Because they’re let-ers.
How come space is so non-serious? Because nothing is heavy, there.
What does a child get in a park in Summer? A sun tan of swing.
What do call someone who throws your ex-girlfriend? An old flame thrower.
What do you call a worm that keeps making excuses? A would worm.
Why should no one break the law in London? Because they’ll get capital punishment.
Why is it funny to rip of people called Edmond? Because it’s conEddy.
Why are flies so poor? Because fly tipping is illegal.
What’s the best way to treat warts? With a warter pistol.
What do you call a fast printer? A sprinter.
Why do people with brown hair turn goal posts into beer? Because they’re brew-nets.
What do Iron Maiden do when they’re depressed? Run to the pills.
What’s a fruit’s favourite style of heavy metal? Apple-core.
How do bees defend themselves? With bees whacks.
Why are gypsies so familiar with boats? Because they row many.
Why are heavy metal guitarist’s hands so quiet? Because they palm mute.
What’s a computer geek’s favourite sport? Click it.
Why do newts turn aggressive if you give them beer? Because it turns them into brew-ts.
What do you call car tire theft? A rubbery.
Which milk product feels the most pain? Yog-hurt.
What rays do Xbox owners give off? Gamer rays.
Why are dogs so sweet? Because they’re licker-ish.
Why should no one rave about a tie? Because that would be a tie rant.
What do you call someone who tears a bag? Sack the ripper.
What’s a pigeon’s favourite instrument? The coo-stic guitar.
What’s the difference between an undercover investigator at a rally and a winding curl? One’s a spy rally, the other’s spirally.
What’s the best deodorant to use whilst networking? Links.
What have one armed bandits and trees got in common? They’re both fruit machines.
What did the T-rex think of the idea of colouring certain tools? Dye no saw.
What do you get if you drop a secret agent in shark infested waters? Spy sea food.
What do you call someone who throws away a rubbish mobile? A sacks a phone.
What do you call someone who threatens a mobile phone company with legal action? A sues a phone.
Which instrument is most tiring to listen to? The snoozeaphone.
What sport is suited to people who hate working in packaging plants? Kick boxing.
Where did the first cows come from? The moooon.
Why are plant growers so obsessive? Because they’re stalk-ers.
What kind of weather do all kings fear? Reign fall.
What’s a rebellious snake’s favourite weather? Sssss-no.
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favourite household device? A dinner switch.
Why are unidentified items so power-draining? Because they’re watt-nots.
Why do Limp Bizkit love tin foil so much? Because it’s wrap metal.
Why are pea farmers so friendly? Because they’re peas makers.
Why do flatfish never throw up? Because that would be out of plaice.
What do you get if you urinate off a ferry? Sea weed.
What birds are most skilled? The peli-can.
I saw a year into the future. It was a 2020 vision.
Which superhero is most spied on? Eye on man.
What music is loudest? Music for deaf metal.
What do you get if you merge chocolate with a biro? Aero-bics.
How did industrial era whales travel? By whale road.
Why do fist fighters work for Amazon when they retire? Because in their hearts, they will always be boxers.
What kind of security guards can be defeated by a simple pin? Bouncers.
What music do all bouncers fear? Pop music.
What’s the only condiment that’s compulsory? Must-ard.
Which composer was most against deforestation? Bark.
What food is best used in cricket? Threw’t.
What do most tramps die of? Being trampled.
Which fruit is most unlucky? The shortest strawberry.
What qualification do farmers get? Hay levels.
Why are cannibal aircraft fliers prone to diabetes? Because they eat pie lots.
What injury are newspaper writers most prone to get? Pun-cture wounds.
What’s a boxer’s favourite music? Pow-er metal.
Why do wise people confuse conformists so much? Because the former say ‘it’s good to no’.
Why does the pope hate antibiotics? Because it’s medi-sin.
Why should no one spin someone round more than once? Because that would cause dizzies.
How does the military release the Final Fantasy games? By RPG launchers.
What’s the most common condition metal cats get? Tinny-pus.
How do most charity shop-owned cattle die? Ox-famine.
Why do most extraterrestrial lifeforms come to Earth in the cold? Because they’re hail-ians.
Why are assaults using woks so terrifying? Because they’re pan-ic attacks.
Why are boxers so eccentric? Because they’re whacky.
Why do pilots hate bagpipers? Because the musicians use drones.
Why is hurting someone from Slough bad for their posture? Because you will cause a Slouch!
What do you call a nightmare caused by too much cheese? A briem.
What shape best protects against curses? The hex-a-gone.
Why do death metal drummers like bikes so much? Because they have double pedals.
What do you get if you lick a pound coin? Lick-quid.
What do you get if you turn a biro into bread? Wheat-a-bics.
Why are colourblind people so naive? Because they are unaware of colour schemes.
Why should you never lick beer? Because that would make you an alcohol-lick.
Why is the kindhearted Loch Ness monster so nourishing? Because it’s full of good Ness.
What do you call people at a Van Halen-themed disco? Tap dancers.
Which composer feared fishermen the most? Bait-hoven.
What do you call a phone without a liver? A no bile phone.
Why do wires always feel fine? Because they’re O-cables.
What do bees use to groom themselves? Honey combs.
Why were angry Huns so thin? Because they were Hungry.
Why do immature Youtube commentators stay away from water? Because they always want to be first-y.
What do philosophers and carpenters have in common? They both do would work?
Why do marines use specialist razors? Because they have naval hair.
What do you call a good-looking kidney? A kidney dish.
What was Vlad the Impaler’s favourite snake? The Vladder.
What do bodybuilders and queue jumpers have in common? They’re both wait-lifters.
What are athletes from Oxford and Cambridge University’s favourite flowers? Row-ses.
Why are people called Jerry always under suspicion in Australia? Because people keep asking what didJerrydo?
What do you get if you punch a pig? Battered sausage.
How do athletes like to travel? By train.
Why are people in London so lazy? Because they’re in the sit-y.
What do you call the entertainment industry for bees? Showbuzz.
What do you call gasses in zero-G? Asses.
What do musicians do to stop their houses being burgled? They use lock and key changes.
Why do most pop music composers freeze in time? Because they don’t use time changes.
Which guitarist has the weakest bladder? Slash.
Why are transvestites so angry? Because they’re cross dressers.
What have bracelet makers and physicists have in common? They’re both experts in string theory.
Why are deodorants so chocolatey and spiritual? Because they’re Aero souls.
Why are punks so loud? Because they have ear rings.
Why do surgeons grab people’s heads so much? Because they use scalp-pulls.
Why are showers the best way to get clean? Because the alternative is barf water.
What’s a sergeant’s favourite chord? Sergeant major.
Which key do coal diggers sing in? Miner.
Why do barbers get charged with animal cruelty so much? Because they’re hare cutters.
What injuries are DJs most likely to get? Scratches.
Which part of a building do atonal composers write their music? In chrome attics.
What do you call a rough, distorted guitar melody? A chewn.
Why are there so many unfit people in Asia? Because they only eat East-er eggs.
Why do maths teachers hate atomic bombs? Because they cause maths destruction.
What time of the year brings the most opportunities? May.
What kind of boat is most able and impressive? The can-ooo!
What kind of babies make the best judo champions? Trip-lets.
What’s the bloodiest month for a chef? Gore May.
Why are bottomless pits perfect? Because they’re floorless.
What music do prisoners listen to? Bunk music.
What does a Pokemon and a sweet shop have in common? They’re both pick-a-chews.
What music do sad cows sing? The moos.
What do you call a reasonably good eagle? A B-gle.
Which musical scale is most dominating? I own Ian.
Which nutrients love 18 year olds the most? Pro-teens.
What do you get if you cross a pound coin with a question? A hound?
Which fruit tells the most fibs and is most knowledgeable? The lie-berry.
What’s a drug addict’s favourite manual? The wayhigh code.
What time of year do people jump highest? Spring.
Why does water wobble about so much? Because it’s drunk.
What percussion is always heard at Simcity parties? Sim-balls.
Why should people called Jack strike their containers? So they hit the Jack pot.
Why are all zombies the same? Because they’re like mind dead.
Why do criminals fear cups with guns? Because they’re mug shots.
What does the ancient language of Rome and a French tin have in common? They’re both la-tin.
Why should two teachers never cane the same person at the same time? Because that would be co-cane.
Which sweets are dirtiest? Marsh mellows.
What part of trees always stay warm? Cloves.
Why are people who put on contact lenses so confident? Because they make eye contact.
Why did the first Sega console go so far? Because it went for a Mega Drive.
What’s a camper-doctor’s favourite scale? The tent-a-tonic scale.
Why do flatfish fear runners so much? Because the athletes take first plaice, second plaice, third plaice, etc.
Why are car gearboxes not to be trusted? Because they’re shifty.
What’s the funniest day of a person’s year? The mirthday.
Why does paint from aerosol cans cause lightheadedness? Because it’s spray faint.
What day of the week do people put on the most weight? Chewsday.
Why dd Jimi Hendrix have great oral hygiene? Because he used a toothpick. (Well a tooth AS a pick).
Why do supermarkets love time signatures? Because they often say ‘2 for…’ or ‘3 for…’, etc.
Which part of the brain do holidaying hippopotamuses live? The hippo campus.
What’s even spicier than a chilli burger? A bees burger.
What’s a suicidal person’s favourite sweet? Chewing gun.
Where is most of the iron in the body found? The nails.
What are biologist’s favourite clothes? Genes.
Why do men in women’s clothing run so fast? Because they’re drag racers.
What do you get if you swallow a pawn? A chessy cough.
What was the biggest belt ever built? The asteroid belt.
Where do the world’s most aggressive footballers come from? Hack knee.
What are the wussiest special forces? Anti-caking agents.
Why are street fighter’s hands so hygienic? Because the people use knuckle dusters.
Why are the most exciting aircraft houses built on cliffs? Because they’re cliff hangars.
Why do writers have so many long distant relationships? Because they have lots of pen friends.
What do you get if someone called Louis is on a roll? Lou roll.
Which instruments are worst effected by spicy curries? Wind.
Where do guitarists eat from? Scratch plates.
What phobia do groove metal bands have? Pan terror.
What are the only household items from space? Mars-i-pans.
How do you stop a belly dancer dancing? Press her belly button.
What do you get if you put an engine and wheels on paper? A paper fastener.
Which part of the house do fish fear the most? The fire plaice.
Which element is most commonly found in houses? Kitchen zinc.
What do you call a sad and tasteless person? Blue tack.
Which vehicle beats the most people up? The double decker bus.
What’s the only fruit that can work in a shop? The sell by date.
What are the cheapest ferries called? Bin liners.
Which drink is never wrong? Right wine.
Why does Yngwie Malmsteen clean his house and pick his nose so much? Because he’s a sweep-picker.
Why did phaser pedals never become really popular? Because they were just a phase.
What’s the name of the person who is most comfortable around insects? Ant on knee.
Why were the Vikings so small? Because they travelled in blood vessels.
What have fishermen and rugs got in common? They’re both carp ets.
What’s an arsonist’s favourite excuse? ‘I was giving a house warming party’.
What music do all blimp fliers fear? Pop music.
Where do heavy metal potatoes come from? Mash pits.
Why are lazy cats so troubled? Because they’re rug addicts.
What do you call someone watching a lively folk dance? A jig saw.
What do you get if you stretch out the letter ‘B’? A B tall.
What gun eats smells? The musk-et.
What do you get if you put a magazine into a pastry? A mag pie.
What do you call a group of friends who like short haircuts? A crop circle.
Why are people on diets so spiritual? Because they enlighten themselves.
Why is it illegal to run away from someone pointing a firearm at you? Because you’ll be a gunrunner.
Why are ghosts losers? Because they’re no bodies.
What do you call fruits that are complicated and don’t make sense? Mambo-jumbo.
Who do people called Moe fear the most? Sue Moe wrestlers.
Why are colourblind people so happy? Because they can’t sing the blues.
Which animal is most valued in gold mines? The golden retriever.
Which biblical figure took part in the most water fights? Hose Anna.
What do you call a small charity? A micro Scope.
Which timers are owned by everybody? Our glasses.
What do you call Eminem singing about baths? Bubble rap.
What do you call someone who lives in a swamp? A marsh-ian.
What do you get if you give a key a digestive system? A key wee.
What psychiatric condition do people who barely pass tests have? Borderline personality disorder.
How do execute a fish? With a gill-otine.
Why are horses so calm? Because they live in stables.
Why are grunge guitarists who perform in Summer so sentimental? Because they’re warm and fuzzy.
What’s it called when someone gets turned into a bread roll? Bap-tism.
How do we know asteroids wear trousers? Because of the asteroid belts.
Which animal is completely dependant on house windows? The window seal.
What does an old man say when he sees a vegetable? Oh, a pea!
What do you get if you DIY whilst levitating? Hover craft.
What do you get if you wash an AK 47? Bubble gun.
Why are Londoners coach potatoes? Because they live in the sit-ee.
What’s a pig’s least favourite city? Burningham.
What’s the unhealthiest day of the week? Fry day.
What day of the week are all you can eat buffets mostly on? Choose day.
What’s a pirate bumblebee’s favourite music? Arrr ’n’ bee.
Why did medieval warriors write to metal rings? To make chain mail.
Which instrument is blamed for the most violence? Slap bass.
Why are middle aged women footballers so quiet? Because they mum ball.
What do you call someone living in a fridge? A freshman.
What’s the most terrifying fruit known to man? The grizzly pear.
How do the people in Megadeth communicate? Through megaphone.
Where do elves fight? In a minibar.
Why were farmers so sad when Yngwie Malmsteen quit his strawberry picking job? Because he was a speed picker.
What do you get if you pee yourself falling down the stairs? Tumbleweed.
What was an ancient criminal’s least favourite music? Stoner.
When do plants reproduce? When they’re feeling thorny.
What have old men and huge sums got in common? They’re both grand adds.
Why are people with speech impediments so cautious? Because they have lots of electrocution lessons.
What work do the numbers 3, 5 and 7 do? Odd jobs.
What herb do you get if Barry becomes sick? Baz ill.
Why were The Beatles so dangerous? Because they were hitmen.
How do people called Gene wash? By saying ‘hi’.
What do you get if you put a cat on a skateboard? Pet roll.
Why did the tramp smell so nice? Because he was aroma.
What do tramps call their counselling sessions? A roamer therapy.
Which people are most reluctant to use antibiotics? Germans.
What do you get if you fix wheels to a pen? A pen drive.
Why must you stop people paying tarmac? To prevent road wage.
Why are knockoff Cornettos so musical? Because they’re falsettos.
What do you get if put a bowtie on a raccoon? A tie-coon.
Why didn’t the man trapped alone in the abandoned building starve to death? He lived off wall nuts.
How often do people come out as bisexual? Biweekly.
Which injuries are best for asking people to marry them? Woo-nds.
Why are huge haemorrhoids so suspicious? Because they’re power-noids.
Which animal is most concerned with going bald? The earwig.
Which athletes are least likely to be dehydrated? Tap dancers.
Which deserts like being photographed the most? Cheese cakes.
What have turntables and the world’s biggest dating expert got in common? They’re both record players.
Which animal is most likely to be turned to slime? The goose.
What do you call jokes about making dough? Bread pan humour.
Which drink is easiest to stir? Whisk-y.
What do you call a thug named ‘Bert’? Yobbert.
Where are the only places painkillers don’t work? Feelds.
Which toy can cure paraplegia? Leg go.
Which animal is awarded the most permanent markers? The penwin.
What is it called when Coca-Cola is shown on adverts? Show fizzness.
What’s the only thing that can save the ladybird population? Gentlemanbirds.
Which animal do small cakes come from? Bun-ny rabbits.
What plants are silliest? Daftodils
What do you call a pig riding a bike? Spokey bacon.
What is the most basic form of heavy metal? Lack metal.
Which meat was the first to be grown by man without using animals? Ground beef.
Why do surgeons love opera festivals? Because they are operations.
What do you call a famous and hardworking bee? A showbizzy bee.
Why do ants have unique religious beliefs? Because they’re in sects.
Why do nurses torture so many people? Because they use stretchers.
Why are people who eat massive spicy curries so interested in planets? Because they’re gas giants.
Why are bored wrens so loud? Because they’re sigh wrens.
Which bread goes best with light rain? Pitta patta bread.
What do you call a smoking frying pan? A pan pipe.
What you call lotions for mobile phone applications? App-ointments.
What do you call John Petrucci with worsening schizophrenia? Progressive mental.
What do you get if you place a heavy load on an outpatient facility roof? Clinical depression.
What’s a plumber’s favourite music? Plunge.
Why do skateboarding stars love Halloween? Because they like to trick and tweet.
Why do Youtube stars love people who draw on sandwiches? Because they’re sub scribers.
Why do bees take so many drugs? Because they’re buzzing.
What’s it called when neckwear become hungry? Scarvation.
What do you call a pigeon that cooks Indian food? A currier pigeon.
What do sums wear and where do they live? Add dresses.
What plants are most sentimental? Twees.
Why are vacuum cleaners so troubled? Because they’re chore-matised.
Why shouldn’t you kiss crashed racing drivers? Because they’re gone off.
Why is it dangerous when your blood turns foolish? Because it turns to a blood clot.
What do you get if you call a horse ‘Jim’? A Jim neigh-sium.
What do you get if someone dodges a flying crisp packet? Crispy duck.
Why are people with good posture so reliable? Because they’re back ups.
What do you get when Milly farts? A wind Mill.
What are the happiest injuries? Bliss-ters.
What injuries are clumsy DJs most likely to get? Slipped discs.
What do you call a shopping list written as a joke? A play list.
Why do people who write computer programs love correct English language? Because they’re pro-grammars.
What is it called when you ruin a game of Tiddlywinks? Counterterrorism.
What do you call a knight of a time long ago? Horseman yore.
Why is Gary Lineker such a fast runner? Because he’s a Gaz L.
What do you call a crazy novel? A book case.
What do you call an amazing can of soup? A can-ooo!
What do you call a cow using a sword? A wielder-beast.
Why do politicians hate it when people sit on car wheels? Because it’s sat tire.
What do you call Maria on a roundabout? A Mary-go-round.
What’s it called when you pick your nose and sneeze at the same time? Pick-achoo!
Why are ill elephants so people pleasing? Because they’re sick-ophants.
Why are bumblebees drinking soda so sporty? Because they’re fizz bees.
What do you call a fish gangster? A fin ger.
What do you call a stockbroker with haemorrhoids? A stockpile.
What’s a baby’s favourite games console? Say gaga.
What’s a percussionist’s favourite desert? Drum roll.
Why are vertical matchsticks so feared? Because they’re stick-ups.
What was it called when the song ‘Great Balls of Fire’ became popular? A burning sensation.
What do you call someone who searches for gold in a lake? A gold fish.
What’s a brewer’s favourite holiday? Yeaster.
What’s a goose’s favourite holiday? Geesester.
Why haven’t Metallica released an album in years? They have metal fatigue.
Why are pizza chefs so good with maths? Because they know pizza pi.
Why do newlyweds with hearing problems take risks? Because they dance with deaf.
Why are DJs so friendly? Because they send out radio waves.
Why must you never give limbs and hands to knives? To prevent knife crime.
What’s the name of the person who most cares about maintaining the oceans and such? Stay sea.
Why do flautists never have battles in their mouths? Because they use a mouth peace.
What happens to pizza chefs when they get angry? They see bread.
Why don’t massive harbours make sense? Because they’re power docks.
Why are people who live on ferries so tall? Because they’re sealings.
Which insects have the curliest hair? Frizz bees.
Which instruments do people called Monica fear the most? Harm Monicas.
Why are the children of wizards so smart? Because they’re wiz kids.
What’s Black Sabbath’s favourite ethnic instrument? Didgeridoom.
How do musicians write their names? As time signatures.
How did Stephen Hawking write his name when he was a musician? As a brief history of time signature.
Why aren’t the rock band Ghost as successful as they could be? They never play live.
Why shouldn’t you pay for twitching tiddlywinks? Because they’re counter fits.
Why are astronauts trying to build a spaceship small enough to enter a worm’s mouth? So can travel through worm holes.
Why is the man from Denmark boring on Mondays? Because he’s Mon-Dane.
Why should Jenny never visit the seaside? Because that would be Jennyside.
Why do birds fear being named ‘Jack?’ Because it turns them into flap Jacks.
Which rhythm can feed a large group of people? Twelve ate.
Why are mathematicians so well built? Because they work out.
Which oil is most frustrated? Face palm oil.
Why do parents make sure their apricots are always fresh? To prevent apricot death.
What are Bond villain’s favourite instruments? Bond-goes.
How does Paul Gilbert stay fit? By string skipping.
Where’s a rock guitarist’s favourite place to eat? The whammy bar.
Why are trendy young women so dangerous to aircraft? Because they’re Heat (magazine) seekers.
Which food do people who haven’t seen the doctor in ages eat? Past-ahhhh.
What do you call someone holding three pieces of ice? A tri-cicle.
Which race is impossible to lose? Formula won.
What’s the only drink that can’t possibly hurt you? Sham pain.
What is the lightest road vehicle? The pickup truck.
What do you call a train with arms and a checklist? A train tick it.
Why do Arabians love people called ‘Ian’ who specialise in kitchen equipment? Because they’re fridge Ians.
Which London Borough has the worst zit problem? ‘Ackney.
What’s the favourite time signature of someone who is stood up? One ate.
What do trouser makers say when they’re excited? Zippie!
What’s a vegetarian’s favourite form of hardcore music? Apple-core.
Why are intellectuals so strong? Because they’re thoughtified.
What are the only kinds of clothes that are made from the ground? Tracksuits.
What do you get if you electrocute a tortoise? Shell shock.
What do you get if you give Pluto legs? Pluto-knee’um.
Which clothes are most damaging to the feet? Foot wear.
Why do speed metal musicians always lose so badly? Because they get thrashed.
What do drug addicts wear to ease the effects of withdrawal? Crash helmets.
What do people with non-functioning cars and the mentally ill call to help them? The breakdown service.
Which type of furniture gives the most abuse? Go swivel chairs.
What’s the difference between a schizophrenic and someone who has 10 physical diseases? One is mentally ill, the other is MENTALLY ill.
Why do witches with children know so much about films? Because they’re sinner mas.
What do you call a movie about an obsessive relationship? Cling film.
Why are distorted Marshall tones so sentimental? Because they’re warm and fuzzy.
What do you call a fish with nothing to do? A skate bored.
Why are pirates on chairs so musical? Because they’re sit-arrrs.
Why do barbers never spike people’s hair up properly? Because if they do, it makes them well gel.
Why aren’t you allowed to draw rubbish 2s in prisons? Because they’re tat 2s.
Why is it impressive if you energise a maze? Because it’s a maze zing.
Which race of people experiment with their legs the most? Try knees.
What do you get when a couple pay for a meal? A two pay.
Why is it so unbearable when someone gets given two tasks? Because it’s chorechore.
What do you get if you paint a mistress a dull colour? A mattress.
Why are there so many liquified kangaroos on Mars? Because they’re Mars soup-ials.
What do you call someone who may be going to school for a few months? A term might.
Which furniture do pigs hate the most? Ham mocks.
What do you use to tell a small amphibian it’s in danger? A frog horn.
Which unit of measurement do power metal musicians use for the car engines? Dragon force.
Why do so many car wax companies go out of business in the Summer? Because of the sun shine.
Why did the man with the guitar hanging down to his knees shred? Because he played a guitar so low.
What do you get if you poo in a pub? A bar stool.
How does a classical quintet on drugs say hello? High five!
What do you call Morrissey in a Satanic metal band? A black Smith.
Why don’t jackets last long? Because they get worn out.
What do you call a cake bent on world domination? A pan cake.
How do most saunas get vandalised? They get sauna in half.
What’s it called when someone imagines a locomotive? A train of thought.
What kind of confusion do sky-high pilots often experience? Clouded judgement.
What do you get if you rip off a jazz rock guitarist? Con fusion.
What do you get when the crowd lets loose in the Rock in Rio concerts? Brazil nuts.
What was the last series of Saved by the Bell called? A Bell end.
What part of a house do cats fear the most? The kitten sink.
What does Yngwie Malmsteen sleep in when he wants to be motivated? A do-vay.
What did Alan turn into when he was made homeless? An Album.
How does Ozzy Osbourne wash himself? In a black sa-bath.
Why is bass guitar so easy to learn? Because it’s bass-ic.
Why are queue jumpers so strong? Because they’re wait lifters.
What’s it called when someone plans on building an underground passage? Tunnel vision.
When do elephants sleep? Tusk.
Why did the T-rex hate artwork and carpentry? Because it dyed no saw.
Which birds are best at opening locks? Turnkeys.
Which clothes never got worn out? Under wear.
What are the only known plants outside of Earth? Sun flowers.
How do cats try to influence the government? By pet-ition.
Why do soldiers press their ears against the letter ‘O’? So that they become hear Os.
What should you never do if your eyes are potatoes? Peel them.
Where does paint go to celebrate? The paint ball.
What do you get if you kick the letter ‘O’ in the leg? O-limp-ics.
Which disease is most self-centred? Me-sles.
Why should your arm never become too self-centred? To stop it turning into a an arm-me.
What’s it called when an aristocrat gets into a fight? A Duke box.
What do you call a magician in the middle of Spring? The May tricks.
Why do effeminate men keep going to the dentist’s? Because they have sensitive teeth.
What’s a kangaroo’s favourite type of TV program? Mangaroo.
What have huge shops and permanent markers got in common? They’re both super mark-its.
What’s it called when you cover a bowling ball in soap? A washing up bowl.
Which organisation loves cows the most? Ox fan.
What’s it called when a panda acts in a loud, complaining and confused way? Panda-moany-ummmm.
Which instrument is easiest to defeat? The drum beat.
Why did the farmer put check marks on old iron objects? Because he was rust tick.
What do you get if you rough up a dandelion? Dandrough.
Why did Jimi Hendrix have such great oral hygiene? Because he used a tooth pick.
Why do people feel emotionally numb when they mock a company? Because when they do, it’s diss-association.
What’s it called when someone goes on a soda binge? Fizzical abuse.
What’s it called when someone tries to drink something, but spills everything everywhere? Miss a sippy.
Which colour hates unsigned bands the most? Indie-go.
Why are people who skive school so successful? Because they’re outclassed.
Why can’t snakes control their emotions? Because they’re hiss-terical.
What were Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne called when they were getting married? The bride and doom.
What do you get if you say ‘hello’ in a sauna? A heatwave.
Why is the number 4 so good at planning? Because it uses 4 thought.
Why do so many people risk death climbing mountains? So they can live the high life.
How come there are no vegetarians called ‘Barbie’ in theme parks? Because of the Barbie queue.
How come no skeletons are racist or punks? Because they’re not skinheads.
What’s the main hazard of snowman building? Frost bite.
Why is it so exciting to pretend Max is a tree? Because when you do you can climb Max.
What’s a bee’s favourite number? Bee five.
What do escape artists hate more than anything? Escapism.
Why are people who get hit with frying pans so nervous? Because they experience pan-ic attacks.
Why are people who are bad with guns so disorganised? Because they’re aimless.
Which part of a song do apples fear the most? The core us.
What do you get if you crap on someone casually drawing? A poodle.
What do you call a happy lion? A dandy lion.
Why did WW2 Germans have so much tummy trouble? Because they relied on the enema machine.
Why are cricket bowlers so sick? Because they keep throwing up.
What’s an ill pigeon’s favourite instrument? The coo sick guitar.
Why does the vegetarian hate the bad deal at the shore? Because it’s a bay con.
What’s it called when the sun farts? Solar wind.
Why do people like hardworking authors on a hot Summer’s day? Because they make lots of draughts.
What do you call a rooster on drugs? A cock roach.
Why did the man have a conversation with a bicycle wheel? Because it spoke.
Why is it illegal to hate Formula 1? Because that would be race-ist.
What do you call someone who writes about Myers-Briggs? A type writer.
Why are tree hugging forest planters so calm? Because they feel re-leaf.
What’s an Irish fairy’s favourite food? Lepre-corn.
Why are deep sea angler fish not to be trusted? Because they’re low lives.
Which mountain do people go to sleep forever? Mount ever rest.
What have car suspensions and policemen trained to talk to grieving parents have in common? They’re both shock absorbers.
What do you get if you combine a horse with a cow? An equine-ox.
When do Pringles celebrate? On Crispmass.
What do you call someone immobilised by curry? A gas station.
What sweet do rich people pay others with? Toff-fees.
Which gun is hardest to keep still? The revolver.
Why is important to keep your back happy? To stop back tear-ia.
Which profession is most disablist? Stand up comedy.
Which professionals eat the most fruit? Plummers.
What complaint is most common from windows? Window pain.
Who are the only people allowed to be cannibalised in schools? Dinner ladies.
What do you call a piece of music about ice cream? A Magnum opus.
What do you call a burger on steroids? A beefed burger.
What do you call someone looking at a map drawn on bread? A bap reader.
What was the only war started by a sportsman? The golf war.
Where do free pigs live? Ham lets.
What’s another name for the ‘F’ animal? A part-E animal.
What do you call first round, fistfight knockouts? Boxer shorts.
What’s the favourite food of someone who is shocked? A jeez! burger.
What currency is used by hunting dogs? The fox pound.
What music do sick goths listen to? Cough music.
Which animals make the most IDs? Badge-ers.
What do you call a drunk E.T.? An ale-ian.
Which shape do campers fear the most? The tent-a-gone.
Which party did medieval ammunition go to? The cannon ball.
One day a punk was confronted by his girlfriend, Annabel who claimed he didn’t care about her enough. She asked what was more important to him: Her, or his house and possessions. She asked what do you want more, Anne or key?
What do sceptical scientists call string theory? Silly string.
What food do sickles fear the most? Pop sickles.
What does Dave Mustaine read? Megazines.
How do muscular, wild oxen greet each other? With buff ‘ellos.
Why are glasses so dramatic? Because they’re spectacles.
Which part of the body never grows old? The kid knee.
What’s the only part of the body that can be used as a phone? The ring finger.
What have matadors and scientists got in common? They’re both bull fighters.
Why shouldn’t you give snowmen mouths? To prevent frost bite.
Which guitar effect do apples fear the most? Core-us.
What’s Metallica’s favourite drug? E.
What do you call a scooter that runs on food? A pooper scooter.
How do you measure the IQ of blood? With a blood test.
What do you call a crass and unsophisticated man made of loaves? A breadneck.
How come so much was known about tape worms from the 1930s onwards? Because of tape recorders.
What do journalists give on Valentine’s Day? Puns ’n’ Roses.
What is Edward’s least favourite kind of play? A conEddy.
What do you get if you make a robot out of chocolates? A snack machine.
Why do the military send containers to priests? To make soul jars.
What have circles and pi got in common? Studying them is pointless.
What hairstyles last forever? Perm-anents.
How do long-necked animals travel on water? With gi-rafts.
Why is Hugh’s torso so wet? Because it’s Hugh mid.
What is a Russian student’s favourite music? Class sickle music.
What condition does Graham Coxon suffer from? Blur-ry vision.
Why do locksmiths dig up dead bodies? To make skull keys.
Why couldn’t the bird eat after speeding? Because it was flying at breakpeck speeds.
What’s a cannibal’s favourite type of film? Dahmer.
Why do people who make wizard equipment walk about aimlessly? Because they’re wand-erers.
What’s the only city in the world that has no green, flowerless plants? Moss Go.
Why are dried up rivers so over-the-top? Because they’re ex-streams.
What kind of photo breaks people’s bones? A snapshot.
What do you call someone who sells rubbish distortion pedals? A contortionist.
Why do comedians have small vascular organs? Because they’re light hearted.
What do you call peppers with guns? A pepper army.
What’s Mikhail Gorbachev’s favourite salad? Coldswar.
What disease do confused people get? Eh-ds?
What’s it called when you throw soda on someone? Fizz-ical assault.
What do you get if you drag a small metal spike with a car? A tow nail.
Why is it an epic experience when someone puts in false teeth? Because it’s an add denture.
How do commercial music artists die? They pop.
When was it finally realised that mankind will never be able to stop the flu? During the cold war.
Why are single men so focused on productivity? Because they’re batch-elors.
What do you call a rubbish marine? A submarine.
What do you get if you mangle a bus? Pus.
What are the only injuries that can get you drunk? Brews.
Why did professional torturers have so many minor injuries? Because they were pay per cuts.
What’s the only baby animal that spends all its time inside? The chick-in.
What do sociable people sing at Christmas? Mingle bells.
What do you call weather that doesn’t know if it’s hot or cold? Chilli weather.
Why do snipers always have bosses called Mark? Because they’re Mark’s men.
Why are people who work for Snickers so crazy? Because they’re nutjobs.
What do you get if you cough up an ecstasy pellet? Cough E.
How do inuits make sure their buildings don’t fall apart? They use Ig-glue.
How does the world’s tallest man say goodbye? So long!
Why are normal abs so weird? Because they’re abnormal.
Why are rip-off electricians so hard to understand? Because they con-fuse.
What do you call a speck of dirt in space? A Spock.
What’s more corny than giving flowers? Giving corn flowers.
What do you call a cool and groovy wall? A wall of sound.
What do you call diseased Irish sweetcorn? Lepery corn.
What guitars do pigeons with glue use? A coo stick.
Why can The Fonz survive on Venus? Because he’s cool.
What did the Irish eat during the potato famine? Chipboards.
What do you call half-hearted police work? Rough justice.
Why are broken objects so cruel? Because they’re out of order.
Why do pens with bells wait around? Because they’re pen ding.
Why shouldn’t you tell massive lies? Because you’ll be power-liesd.
Why do lame mosquitos suck so much? Because they bite.
What do you call the lifespan of a pig? A saus-age.
Why are F1 drivers prone to alcoholism? Because when they race they have a re-laps.
What do you call a car made of meat? A muscle car.
What do you call three balls? Odd balls.
What do you call someone who’s occasionally annoying? A temp-pest.
Why do Satan-fearing religious people hate exercise? Because they practice exercism.
Why don’t lazy people pay for ammo? Because they’re freeloaders.
What do you call a violent person who deals pigs? A hamster.
What do lumberjacks say when having their picture taken? Trees!
Why are chess pieces so familiar with boats? Because they’re onboard.
Which musician invented the laser pistol? Frank Zapper.
What do blind people and pirates have in common? They both suffer from see sickness.
What do you call a gifted prog musician? A progigy.
What’s a builder’s favourite gun? A block.
Why is the letter ‘D’, the unhappiest character on a keyboard? Because it’s often D pressed.
Why do ants fear annoying people at the beach? Because they’re pesti-sides.
Why are chains usually made out of inflammable materials? To prevent chain smoking.
What do honest and lawful people call infrequent bowel movements? ’Stipation.
Where’s a pig’s favourite place in England? Clap Ham.
What’s a grandmother’s most hated fruit? The ban nana.
What were Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne called when they were getting married? The bride and doom.
What do you get if the letter ‘G’ bakes a cake? A bun G.
Which drink is most disapproved of? Boos.
Why are dehydrated people winners? Because they’re firsty.
Why shouldn’t you put a pen drive into mobile chairs for babies? Because they’re buggy.
What gives plants their vision? Their seeds.
Why are trees so valued in populated areas? Because they’re power plants.
What was it called when Bach went crazy? A Bach flip.
Why is the most powerful man in the world so indecisive? Because he’s all-mighty.
What are the most fun drum beats to play? Blast beats.
What’s Lewis Hamilton’s favourite drum? The ride cymbal.
What haircut do balding cones have? Cone-overs.
What kind of albums do furniture salesmen like the most? Sofa-mores.
What’s a cat’s favourite drum? The tom.
Why don’t sailors like measuring the sizes of hats? Because it makes them capsize.
Why are fingers so wise? Because they have finger tips.
Why are mints so right? Because they’re mint to be.
Why shouldn’t you rip trays in half? Because that’ll make you a tray tore.
Why do heavy metal guitars keep getting worse? Because they reach new lows.
Why are cats on roofs so energetic? Because they’re high purr.
Why do people doing jury service experience pain? Because they’re in juries.
What don’t you get juries made up of cats? Because that would be purr jury.
Why don’t street fighters wash their hands? Because they use knuckle dusters.
Why is the sun a former lover? Because it’s an old flame.
Why do Indian chefs monitor the sea? To be spy sea.
What do you get if you put strings on a cable? Lead guitar.
Which parts of cars cause dizziness? Head lights.
What do efficient builders eat? Brickfast.
What’s the only sugar-based product that’s good for your teeth? Candy floss.
Why don’t image conscious elderly people like winning fridges? Because they’re win-cools.
What do you get if you put a baby fox in a featureless room? A cub bored.
Why are sawn-off shotguns mentally ill? Because they’re de-ranged.
Why are cars with syphoned petrol mentally ill? Because they’re de-ranged.
What do you call a company that makes plates? A disc co.
Which letters are most protected in back yards? Guard Ns.
What do you get when a hairdresser works with a cable? Barbered wire.
Which gangsters put the most effort into learning maths? Try adds.
What instrument do you get if you give drugs to a baseball cap? A hi hat.
Which weapons are most prone to over exhaustion? Laze-ers.
Why couldn’t the creator of Mickey Mouse walk properly? He had dizzy knees.
Why were uncertain medieval builders feared? Because they asked about which craft?
What’s the lowest grade wannabe opticians need to get into university? See.
Why was the X ray on the cuddly soft toy disallowed? Because it would have been X-ray ted.
Why is abstract algebra so anxious? Because it’s un-easy.
What do you call the moon on a diet? Moon-light.
Why are discontinued beers so hairy? Because they’re beer-dead.
Why are models made by orc carpenters so nervous? Because they’re orc wood.
Where do rich bouncers live? Bouncy castles.
Which vague question do all warriors ask themselves? Arm or?…
Where do a child’s first teeth go when disposed of? The milky way.
Where do oxen with driving licenses come from? Ox Ford.
What clothes do all burglars wear? Knickers.
What do you call a city of planks? Plankton.
What injuries do self-image-conscious people fear the most? Grey-zes.
Which gym equipment do people called Milly hate the most? Tread Mills.
Why is Thomas’s admirer a ghost? Because he's a fanofTom.
Where do tired women with families like to be taken? Rest your aunts.
Why are toilets in zoos so warrior-like? Because they’re zoo loos.
Why are cannibals in the airforce so unhealthy? Because they eat pie lots.
Why do people in the airforce dress up as desserts and sell themselves? Because they’re pie lots.
Why are bus drivers so surreal? Because they’re trippy.
Why are noodling guitarists so quiet in the mix? Because they play guitar so-lows.
How do people in the desert communicate? With sandpaper.
Why do silly people never run out of petrol? Because they are fuel-lish.
What do you call someone who lacks initiative? A lacks-ative.
How did cricket become popular? It just caught on.
Which babies make the best pranksters? Trip-lets.
What is the only product that was made specially for eggs with wheels? The egg timer.
What’s the most magical thing you can eat at university? Uni corn.
What do you call a rubbish rock? Shamrock.
Why are miners so depressing? Because they’re downers.
What do carp eat? Carp-ets.
Why do you get warm-ups but not warm-downs? Because heat travels upwards.
What’s a boater’s favourite flower? The rows.
Why is it a crime to be like Bob? Because such people are Rob-eries.
Why are sprinting sheep so powerful? Because they’re baaaaa-runs.
What do you call a storage box with a cold? A chesty cough.
Why are trains alcoholics? Because they keep chugging.
Why shouldn’t you expect too much from your blood? Because that will result in high blood pressure.
Why can’t scrappy musicians communicate by letter properly? Because they mess up so many notes.
What do you call Lynn when she’s violent? A violynn.
Which part of the body laughs the most? The hee hee heel.
Why are people more important when they’re energised? Because they’re re-vital-ised.
Why do frogs have such sharp eyesight? So they can see in froggy weather.
What do you call trousers that defy the laws of physics? How-sers?
How do disappointed people communicate? Through sigh language.
Why do secret agents live in winding houses? Because the buildings have spy walls.
What do you call a cow trained in martial arts? A pow!
What music do tired people listen to? Cover songs.
What do you get if you thrash someone at hockey? Ice cream.
What’s the main reason chefs dig up corpses? To get grave-y.
Which crimes do good looking people commit? Thraaaw-d.
Why are cold rats so annoying? Because they’re brrrrr-rats.
Which instruments are calmest? Fretless guitars.
What’s the cause of most spontaneous combustions? Side burns.
What do you call the study of boredom? Sigh-cology.
What happened to the man who invented the flame thrower? He was fired.
What random question did WW1 soldiers keep getting asked? Bay or net?
Why are fathers of baby pens so suspicious? Because they have inklings.
Why are fraudulent keyboard warriors so powerful? Because they’re con-trollers.
Why are literate ants so self-punishing? Because they’re pen ants.
What do you call a drum at an all you can eat restaurant? A drum fill.
How do string players greet each other? They say ‘cello!’
What’s the favourite band of the German who loves the letter ’N’? N jaaaaa.
What do you call a Celtic person who gets things thrown at him? Peltic.
Why do people who manufacture compact discs do so badly on their exams? Because they see Ds.
What do all corns fear? A-corns.
Why is Buddhism so laid back? Because it’s calmer.
What do you call so-so medicine? Medi-OK-tion.
What do you call someone who never leaves the house? Just in.
Why must you always do what Lauren says? Because if you don’t it’s against the Laura.
What’s the name of the person who can’t remember his son? Whatson?
Why weren’t the rock group ‘The Band’ more successful? They were band.
What do you call soda based treatments? Fizziotherapy.
Why do people who transport takeaways perform surgeries? Because they de-liver.
What do you call a cake made for deliveries? A cakeaway.
Why are snake priests so emotional? Because they’re hiss-clerical.
Why don’t illiterate people go to the doctor’s? Because they can’t book appointments.
Why is Lewis Hamilton so thin? Because he goes on fasts.
What are the favourite snacks of stagehands? Gaffer cakes.
Why are bad whale surfers so unstable? Because they’re off the whales.
Where do criminal light beams go? Prisms.
Why do drug-addicted lighters love colourful pens? Because they’re also high lighters.
What’s the best job for someone with an old-fashioned hearing aid? Engine ear.
Where do you find the most road rage? On crossroads.
What’s the favourite food of a discus thrower? Threw’t.
Why are binge eaters so funny? Because they gag.
What do you call a second rate eagle? A B-gle.
Why do aspiring soldiers wear metal hats? So they can be cap tins.
Why do promiscuous people keep bees? So they can have lots of honeys.
Which animals are most likely to be stepped on? Toe’ds.
What’s the favourite scale of lazy cats? The catatonic scale.
Why are shoe salesmen so evil? They sell their soles.
Why do injured athletes try not to cry? Because they have tissue damage.
What time of day is best for planning? Forethoughty.
What equipment do the highest achieving lapdogs use? Laptops.
Why are the parents of Barry so strong? Because they’re Barriers.
Why do you often see Barry’s parents on the motorway? Because they’re Barriers.
Where does Kenneth go to tuck in his shirt? Kentucky.
Where does bird flu come from? Carrier pigeons.
What do you call a criminal who commits very small crimes? A minimal.
What material do you get when your thighs are cold? Thigh-brrrr.
What’s the easiest way for the Chinese to appease God? With a sackofrice.
Why do people with many pectoral muscles see so many new films? Because they have multipecs.
What do you call concussion from a flying discus? A discussion.
Why do gangs like people with spoons? Because they are potential gang stirs.
Why do people with bad breath teach music theory to bugs? To make hum bugs.
Why are computers so deceiving to spirits? Because they’re con-souls.
What have hands in a fridge and strips of wood on the bottom of doorways got in common? They’re both fresh holds.
Why are cruel bosses arsonists? Because they fire so many people.
What do you call a sedan with an ultra violet light fixed to it? A tanning saloon.
Why does Valium end up making you worse? Because it causes de-tear-iation.
What kind of people do partiers hate the most? Beer-dead people.
Why are there so many company symbols at the bottom of the sea? Because they’re low goes.
Why do replica wheels make good parents? Because they’re roll models.
Why do counter-espionage workers hate so much? Because they de-spies people.
Why are buildings that are like shops fictitious? Because they’re store-ys.
What’s a messy person’s favourite music? Jumble.
Why are T-shirts so adorable? Because they’re heart warming.
Why are selfish eels so nourishing? Because they’re meels.
Why are people who hate peace and love so sad? Because they’re un-hippy.
Why are novelty keys so musical? Because they’re fun keys.
How do fish with eight legs catch their prey? With cod webs.
Why are film composers so successful? Because they score.
Which race of people get burned by volcanoes the most? Lava-knees.
Why were hostile Euro tunnel workers so annoying? Because they were passage-aggressive.
What do you call a portion of the Sun? The Some.
Why are blisters on laser beams unacceptable? Because they’re ray-cysts.
What do you call a happy punk? A funk.
Why are cheetahs so unhealthy? They eat fast food.
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Fancy a change of colour?
What do you call jazz piano music about feet? Toe ragtime.
Why do ammo salesmen who get told brain-teasers have no chance of survival? Because they’re riddled with bullets.
Which fish always die of starvation? Chew? Naa.
What do you get if you give a potato a job? A pro-tato.
Why do people in underground bases concentrate so hard? Because they’re in deep fort.
What’s it called when a guy involuntarily punches someone when he hears a joke? A gag reflex.
What do you get when Billy rings a bell? A Bill ding.
What do you get if you punch the bottom part of a plant? Beat root.
What do you get if you use your pet hedgehog as a bowling ball? Pet roll.
Why do oil companies use pet hedgehogs as bowls? The make pet roll.
What do you get if you put a key in solitary confinement? A key bored.
What was the earliest form of big brother? The wrist watch.
Why do dentists tell people to suck pound coins? Because it’s mouth dosh.
Why do the designs of pennies keep getting altered? Because they’re change.
How do biologists who dissect toads like to travel? On the open toad.
Why do slaughterers swear at cars? To make car cusses.
Why are people who get poked in the eyes so energetic? Because they’re ex-sighted.
What kind of people shoot bullets from their legs? Cocked knees.
Why shouldn’t deaf people cheat on hearing tests? Because they’re get the deaf penalty.
Why do people who are feeling less stress feel more stress? Because they’re de-stressed.
What do you call a clumsy bee? A tumble bee.
Why are whinging newborns hazardous? Because they spread new moan-ia.
Where’s the only place graffiti is legal? The mark it.
What tool does an ageing Godzilla use? A God zimmer.
Why doesn’t Ozzy Osbourne have heels, a bum or a back? Because he’s a front man.
Why is the sieve used in Roman Catholic religious services so big? Because it’s Mass sieve.
What do you call someone obsessed with collecting gossip magazines? A Heat seeker.
Which composer was easiest to carry? Handle.
What do you call someone who coughs a lot? Cough-y.
What’s Dave Mustaine’s favourite computer? The Sega Megadave.
Why don’t weightlifters make their bells go to school? So they make dumb bells.
What do you call someone who doesn’t Slipknot’s music? Anti-psychosocial.
How did medieval singers make maps? They used drones.
Why do people who write computer software keep correcting people’s poor English? Because they’re pro-grammars.
Where do people with new livers put their old body parts? In waist disposal units.
Which material is constantly monitored? Eye on.
Why do racing drivers put fizzy drinks in their tires? To stop them going flat.
What do you get if you name a cat ‘Paul’? Purr Paul.
Why is the government reluctant to build armed forces too quickly? Because they will be a soon army.
What do you get if Jimmy Carr goes to the gym? A muscle Carr.
What do you get if you clone Peter? A re-Pete.
Why does the man feel concern when he thinks of his brother, Ken? Because he’s bro Ken.
What do you call a song about hair? A hair cut.
Why do rich people want to live on beaches? Because they’re banks.
What do you get if you put spirits in a gun? Vodka shots.
What do you call a skinny person on benefits? A dole thin.
Why are curious owls so loud? Because they howl?
What do you call the thought of a hundred string guitar? String theory.
Why do door makers want lanky beggars? Because they’re poor-talls.
Why are pencils with rubbers so special? Because they’re re-markable.
What do you call a left-handed man in a plane? A left over.
What cheeses can only be made in the Summer? Summer Bries.
What do you call someone with oars as limbs? A row man.
Which race of people are the biggest boaters? The row many.
What do you call a short, rubbish song? A sh*tty.
Why did ambitious, early authors make novels with no writing in them? To try and enter to space age.
Why is Chris Evans so dangerous? Because he’s radio active.
Why do short-sighted people make fireworks? So they have their own spectacles.
What do you get if you give guitar notation to Loyd? A tab Loyd.
What do chefs use to improve cheese? Cheese greaters.
What does Billie Joe Armstrong call dollar bills? Green Pay.
What do you get if you rest the bottom of your face on a drum kit? A kit chin.
What are the only days you’re not allowed to walk on river banks? Bank holidays.
Which spiders are most aggressively opinionated? Ta-RANT-ulas.
Why are so many wizards tramps? Because they’re wanderers.
What do you call the best tramp ever? The megabond.
Where do sick, old computers go? DOS-pital.
What do you call an anarchist in a sauna? A steam punk.
What crisps do burglars use to break into houses? Door eat-os.
What’s a bee’s favourite distortion? Buzz.
What’s the most dangerous music to perform? Scar.
What do all hungry drums need? A drum fill.
Why are drunk people so strong? Because they use brew force.
Why did the miner take a small arachnid to dinner? To dine a mite.
How do you turn Big Ben off? With its belly button.
What do you call a teddybear turning into a man? Ted New Gent.
What do you call rap music about baths? Bubble rap.
Which criminals did the police think they could mould? The Clay Twins.
What did Vicky achieve when she joined the conservative party? Vick tory.
What do cool, awesome geniuses and serial killers have in common? They’re both mentally sick.
What do you get if you put an ecstasy pellet on someone’s pelvis? A hip E.
What do you get if you give Ian beer? An ale Ian.
Why is Debbie evil when she gets sick? Because she’s the Debill.
What salary do the calmest people in the world get paid? The minimum rage.
Why do rulers see with their stomachs, hearts, livers, etc.? Because they’re organ-eyesd.
What do you call a relish made of ghost peppers? Hellish.
Why do Indians never aim for top grades? Because they’re A shuns.
What do all cowboys fear? Slaughterhouses.
What do you get if you play music with your biceps? Toned muscles.
Why is it violent when two saxophonists share their licks? Because they trade blows.
What do you call a punk with bread and soup? A dunk.
What do people in mental institutions wear? Ward robes.
What do you all an inadequate cow? A mooser.
What do you call an able teenager? A can teen.
What do you call money in piles of dirt? Mound coins.
How did the knife make a baby? Through a bred knife.
How many wondrous Gods do Christians believe there are? One, der…
What’s it called when you remove the tail of a child monkey? (In an ethical way). A minor de-tail.
Why do confused alcoholics make elk smoothies? So they can drink deer.
Where does water go to wait for someone? A water park.
Why did the man eating cheesy snacks get disqualified? Because he cheeto’d.
How do Norwegians measure strength? Through Norse power.
Why is it magical when a young man enters a room? Because it’s a lad in.
Why do sugar canes who value independence love diet drinks? Because they’re sugar free.
What’s the only work a man on Christmas can do? Man-yule labour.
What do you call a bee that works in a bank? A buzzness man.
What back problem do old PC uses have? Floppy discs.
What do you call a mobster with a teaspoon? A gang stir.
Why are able hospitals friendly? Because they’re hospitable.
What have lasers in people's eyes and window screens got in common? They’re both blinds.
What do you call a boat made of eyeballs? An eye liner.
What’s it called when you trample on the next in line to the throne? Walking on heir.
What do you call a badly written ‘O’? A tack O.
What do you call someone who fights pizzas? A pizza box.
Why are people who build ponds so thoughtful? Because they ponder.
What have three-wheeled bikes and ambitious drunk people got in common? They’re both try cycles.
What does Annabel’s fan and her joint connecting her foot with her leg got in common? They’re both Anne cools.
Why are careless people so easy to invade? Because they’re fortless.
What have bluesy scales and people who cause chaos at container factories got in common? They’re both Mix-o-lid-ians.
What was a Viking’s favourite computer? The Saga Megadrive.
What’s the only instrument a sheep can play? A lambourine.
What do you get if you give a door opener a phone? A keyring.
What do you call a rubbish Summer? A Bummer.
Why do so many trampolines sell in March? Because it’s Spring.
Why is it so loud when you wash a dog poo off your knee? Because it’s a cack off knee.
What’s a miner’s favourite music? Pop rock.
What animals do all tall people fear? Beat talls.
Which warriors were the best at kicking people then running away? Thigh kings.
Which buildings reject men the most? Man shuns.
What did E.T. wear on his eyes? First contact lenses.
What do you call an encore at a Jimmy Carr concert? A second coarse.
What illness are pilots most prone to? Flew.
What clothes are best for people who are tired? Tea shirts.
What kind of programs do you get if you burn the letters ‘E’? Sear Es.
What material do you get if you stretch Chris? Chris tall.
What do you get if you make fun of Mickey Mouse? Mouse.
What do you get if you throw a country dweller in the air? A hick up.
Which message boards have the vaguest audiences? For ummms….
What’s the favourite time of day for horseback warriors in training? Mid-knight.
What’s the name of the person who carries the most eyeballs? Eye Sack.
What’s the name of the person who takes money off Leanne? Bill Lee.
How do corks reproduce? By corkscrew.
Which drink do bronzed people hate the most? Tan go.
What do you call a crazy pea? A pea nut.
What do you call a gone off bean? A has bean.
What do you call gladiators with lasers? Ray-diators.
Why are fraudulent internet pests so dominating? Because they’re con-trollers.
What’s the only part of the body that’s immortal? The liver.
Why don’t mythical creatures with pointy ears take the stairs? Because they use elvelators.
Which commuters care about the environment the most? Re-cyclists.
What’s it called when people treat constipation in the cold? Chillaxing.
What do you get if you give a computer a faraway job? A commuter.
What’s it called when you measure Michael? Size Mick activity.
Where do confused people go to bleach their hair? The beach.
What weather is most ignored? Missed.
What do you call a match without ears? A deaf match.
What causes nighttime? Daylight robbery.
What do you get if you give an attic a weapon? An attack.
What do you call it when you punch someone and pepper them with bullets? Assault and pepper.
Which ancient warriors claimed to rule the world? Liekings.
Why are skunks so controversial? Because they cause a stink.
What’s it called when you donate torn socks to charity? A holey sacrifice.
What do you call someone who walks on minty plants? A thyme traveller.
What sport do you get if you throw a ball in-between two rows of mountains? Valley ball.
What’s the easiest way to give someone electroshock treatment? Through the eye socket.
Where do friendly Vikings go when they die? Palhalla.
Why can knocked out fighters always be better? Because they’re floored.
What do you call a warrior in a dark mood? A night.
When do horseback warriors sleep? At knight.
Why is Darth Vader so warlike when he’s indoors? Because he’s an in Vader.
Which gangsters couldn’t stop snacking? The Crave Twins.
Where do flat-Earthers live? Flats.
Which animals never achieve top grades? B-vers.
Which country is best at ada? Canada.
Where do you find the most positive adders? Can Adder.
Why are excessive tilers so well known to the justice system? Because they re-tile.
What did the ancient Chinese cook with? Mingredients.
Why do bipolar people have a poor diet? Because it’s unbalanced.
What was the most infamous potato serial killer called? Jacket Potato the Ripper.
What did Kurt Cobain wash himself with? A grunge.
Why are female prime ministers confusing? Because they’re miss leading.
Why is Zack the professional never depressed? Because he’s pro Zack.
What do the people in Slayer have on their doors? Slay bells.
What condiment do you get when your mother is indecisive? Ma might.
Which creatures tug on people the most? drag ons.
Where do the most car arsonists come from? Ash Ford.
What’s the only food made by alien pan fryers? Marsipan.
Why do music stores hate Usain Bolt? Because he’s a record breaker.
Why are Americans with change so rational? Because they see cents.
Why do cannibals like Jeffrey Dean Morgan? Because he makes Jeffrey drama.
Why are jazz musicians so dizzy? Because they swing.
What did the cannibal eat in the supermax prison? Bread and nutter.
Why do bread lovers also love philanthropists? Because they make dough nations.
What do you call someone who hits an intellectual? A wackademic.
Why do helpful chips go diving? Because they all chip in.
Why could Lemmy never sleep properly? Because he had a motor bed.
Why are stars getting microscopically smaller ever year? Because of star grazers.
What’s a dictator’s favourite weather? Hail!
Which letter is beer the most protective of? Beer guard N.
Why can all dogs be bought? Because they’re purr chases.
Why do Metallica eat people’s stomachs with spoons? Because they scoop mids.
Why can’t you freeze people who suck on pound coins? Because they’re lick quids.
Which animals are most argumentative? Why no-s?
What’s it called when the police try to stop a speeding mother? The sinner mum challenge.
Why are state-of-the-art telescopes so annoying? Because they’re power sights.
Why is William so informative when he’s got nothing to do? Because he’s a Bill bored.
Which band are notorious for ripping people’s underwear? Pant Tearer.
Why did the person touch the grenade when he felt awful? Because he was feeling terror ball.
What illness do all cats suffer from? Rug addiction.
Why does Gavin know so much about driving when he sits? Because he’s sat Gav.
What do you call a misfit hairdresser? A barber black sheep.
Why does Matt Bellamy make himself throw up? So he can make Muse sick.
What was the only year the lone bee had vision? 1 bee see.
Why are people who are overly keen on caning people dangerous? Because they’re hurry canes.
What structures make the best directors? Awesome wells.
Why was there no one in the cake throwing venue? Because it was desserted.
What do all po-faced people fear? Pogos.
Which bird eats the most buttery sweets? The fudgie.
Which bird looks after the most sweets? The fudgery guard.
Why are wicked medics a thing of the past? Because they’re medi-evil.
What do you call a scale with one note? The catatonic scale.
Which food do all moles fear? Whack a moley.
Why does water wobble about so much? Because it’s drunk.
Which emperor was known for dozing off? Nap-oleon.
What do you call hot food from the sea that once had vision? Spicy-sea-see food.
What do builders use as toilets? Dump trucks.
What do you call an Italian restaurant in England? A spaghetti Western.
Why are solitary people good with money? Because they’re loaners.
What do you call a rubbish riff? A whiff.
What do you call someone who doesn’t like John Cage’s music? A John Cage fighter.
What’s the only snake that produces milk? The cattle snake.
Why can you eat the football called ‘Edward’? Because it’s Eddie ball.
Why do superhero goats gets blamed for everything? Because they’re cape goats.
What do you call an old man who smells of fruit? An elderberry.
Why are people who drive in rush hours prone to diabetes? Because of traffic jam.
What do you call a brave automatic car? Gearless.
What do gangsta Christmas elves die of? Wrap battles.
What do you get when Thomas stubs his toes? Tom-aaahhh-toes!
What transportation can’t run in droughts? Steam trains.
Why are female islands so dangerous? Because they’re miss isles.
Why do film composers like the orc-falcon hybrid? Because it’s orc-kestrel.
What do you call the representative of a roof tiling business? A rep tile.
What do you call a sad cafe? A cafe-tearia.
What have enrolments and boats made of penises got in common? They’re both member ships.
Why did Evil Knievel make everything safe? Because he was a risk taker.
Why were bats homeless before the 1800s? Because they only live in batteries.
Why don’t pretty houses covered in flowers have first floors? Because they’re twee houses.
What do you call bacon sold at a fair price? Ba.
What do you call a beagle that lives on a bay? A bagel.
Why would it be annoying to have a sixth sense? Because it would be a new sense.
Why don’t directors make statues? Because they only make move-ies.
What boat can always impress? The can ooo!
What plant do drug addicts appreciate the most? See weed.
Why are people undergoing brain surgery so willing to consider new ideas? Because they’re open-minded.
Why shouldn’t you give your blood too many tests? Because it will result in high blood pressure.
What clothes do sailors who keep repeating themselves wear? Spam decks.
What do you call someone who deals VHS videos? Sell-a-tape.
Why do environmentalists love well built bikes? Because they’re recyclable.
Why do Buddhists approve of the use of Prozac? Because they believe in calmer.
Why do people who take legal action smell? Because they’re sue-ers.
What’s the name of Lynn’s crazier twin? Madder Lynn.
What do you call an eight year old cat? An octo-puss.
What was Kurt Cobain’s favourite dessert? Grunge cake.
What do you get when you cough up a dessert? A cough sweet.
What’s it called when you punch someone in the chest? A heart attack.
What’s it called when you shoot someone in the knee? Smoking a joint.
Where do dead sauces go? Gravy yards.
What’s the name of the man destined to be a surgeon? Sir Jerry.
What does Jonathan Davis get when he doesn’t wash his hair? Korn flakes.
Why doesn’t Ali G use detergents? Because they’re Staines removers.
Why do assessors look after the letter ‘A’? Because they serve A.
Why are visors that appear on commercials so wise? Because they’re ad visors.
What have legal disputes and grabbed containers got in common? They’re both caught cases.
What do you call lips that end the world? Apoca-lips.
Why are farmers with speech impediments so aggressive? Because they’re harmers.
Why aren’t broken wing mirrors important? Because they’re side issues.
Why is it unpleasant to sit on a wig? Because it’s a hairy sit-uation.
Which item of clothing encouraged the violent car theft? The jack-it.
How do kung fu experts show their frustration? They face-palm.
Why are pliers for computers so easy to work with? Because they’re compliers.
How do you punish an evil guitar? You string it up.
Why are dodgy missiles so gullible? Because they’re misguided.
Why are deceptive seals so secretive? Because they’re con seals.
Where do condemned planes get sent to? Hangers.
How do the musicians in Thin Lizzy resolve disputes? Through guitar duels.
What’s it called when a knight’s equipment has nothing to do? A Sir kit bored.
What do you call someone who writes about infections? A germalist.
When do employment rates for roads increase? During road works.
What’s it called when a silly person does a forward roll? A silly sausage roll.
What do you call an ill five pound note? A fever.
Why is the Terry’s Chocolate Orange so bad? Because it’s a Terry ball orange.
Why did Yngwie Malmsteen take the toupee out of the box? So he could wig out.
Why are headphones so spooky? Because they’re eary.
What’s Ian’s least favourite scale? I own Ian.
Why shouldn’t you randomise library books? Because it’s disorderly behaviour.
Why are there no thin Goths? Because they’re Gothick.
How do you measure someone’s intelligence in a supermarket? Give them an ‘I queue’ test.
Why did the frustrated doctor do nothing? Because he had no patients.
What’s a Frenchman’s favourite type of fire? A bon fire.
What do you call a fire made of sweets? A bonbon fire.
What do you call a cannibal field labourer? Jeffrey Farmer.
What’s the best vehicle to help you eat? A forklift truck.
What are POW’s favourite insects? Flees.
Why can brave people hear letters? Because they’re hear ‘O’s.
How come mechanics know so much about growing fruit? Because they re-pear.
What does James Hetfield drive? A metallic car.
What do the people in Pantera cook with when they’re feeling rude? A sauce Pan.
Why should constipated people listen to ambient music? Because it’s relaxative.
How did Bach show his hatred towards sharp objects? Through counterpoint.
What do you call it when Thumper runs away from a cat? Force of rabbit.
What’s an annoying person’s favourite element? Pratinum.
Why do accountants like hard work? Because it’s taxing.
Why is the letter ‘D’ so strange? Because it’s a weird O.
Why do English teachers love computer coders? Because they’re pro grammars.
Why do book lovers like dishonest fruit? Because they’re lie berries.
What food do you get if you attack a moose with a straw? Moose sucker.
Why shouldn’t you give male sheep books? Because they will be ram pages.
Which people hate pens the most? Pen shunners.
What’s the only animal made of drugs? The pot bellied pig.
What do you get if you smoke weed on Io? Tokyo.
What do you get if you push your ex-girlfriend down a hill? A Rolex.
Why are horses so cynical? Because they’re neigh sayers.
Why doesn’t Usain Bolt over heat? Because he’s cool.
Why are tire slashers disappointments? Because they’re let downs.
What’s the most common complaint in nursery schools? ABC sickness.
Why do clowns like crazy sheep? Because they’re baaa-loons.
Why are knitting needles average? Because they’re sew sew.
Why don’t Indian chefs remove the beaks of chickens? To make chicken chat.
What kind of packages do organ donors like? De-liveries.
What’s the most sociable number on legs? The coming forty.
Why should you call an epileptic ‘Ben’? So he can claim Benny fits.
What’s the devil’s favourite scale? The hexatonic scale.
What’s the downside of having a sixth sense? It will be a new sense.
What car do you get if you give Daniel average grades? A C Dan.
What’s a lamb’s favourite weapon? A lamb shank.
What’s a toddlers favourite instrument? Slide guitar.
What do you call woman combat? Wombat.
What do you call minicab carnage? Cabbage.
What does Yngwie Malmsteen sleep in when he’s feeling motivated? A do-vet.
Why are big bats so warlike? Because they’re bat talls.
What kind of doctor do you get if you knight Jonathan? A Sir John.
Why are serial campers so remorseful? Because they retent.
What country does Barry go to when he has flu? Bazill.
What’s the world’s most boring board game? Monotony.
What do you call a tomcat called Thomas? A tom tom.
What buildings have absolutely nothing in them? None-eries.
Why are men’s vans atheists? Because they’re he-vans.
What do you call a building built for Catherine? A Cathydral.
What have birds of prey and poor female students got in common? They’re both E gals.
Why are injured chips so lazy? Because they’re ouch potatoes.
How do people working with decimalised thirds die? They threes to death.
What does Stephen Fry eat when he’s in a plane? A Fry up.
What do you get if you overcook a sausage? Black fry day.
What’s the difference between money demanded for something and a runner who gives up? One’s a ransom and the other ran some.
Why do electronics companies pour concrete on people’s faces? To make head sets.
Why should you give an industrious baby a chair? So it can be a baby sitter.
What do you get if you push Russell into a building? A wall Russ.
Why is Anne so aggressive when she’s in her local shopping centre? Because she’s an Annie mall.
Why was the ancient desert occultist significant? Because she was the first sand witch.
Why does Jonathan Davis fear the cinema? Because of the pop Korn.
What do you call someone shouting gibberish? Raging bull.
What do you call someone who can’t open a jar? A lidiot.
Why can you use synthesisers to write with? Because they’re note pads.
Why do racists say ‘no’ to the sea? Because it’s naaahhh-sea.
What do you call a new doodle? A noodle.
Why do Scottish people put tubes in containers? To make bag pipes.
What’s the only drink that can get you arrested? Punch.
What disease are self-centred weasels most prone to? Measles.
What’s the profession of the fish-eating woman? Carp-in-her.
What do you call dancing salts? Salt shakers.
Why are electric cars so touchy? Because they’re e-motional.
Why should you leave ants alone? Because to ignore ants is bliss.
What hours do bees work? Nine to hive.
Why are cannabis users uncreative? Because they re-hash.
Why are drums dangerous? Because they’re flam-able.
What’s it called when you bang your head against a wall? A wall nut.
Why do chicks do drugs? Because of the egg tokes.
What appliances question things the most? Whovers?
What did Kurt Cobain call enjoyable activities? Funge.
When do witch’s flowers open? When they broom.
Why is nitrogen so deadly? Because the end is ni-trogen.
What vehicle damaged the road the most? The track-tore.
What psychiatric disorders to retail centres have? Shopping complexes.
What have large posters of feet and bread cookers got in common? They’re both toesters.
In what month do people lie the most? Fibruary.
What do you get if you inject your upper leg with drugs? A high thigh.
What do you call an operational Spaghetti Junction? The Spaghetti Function.
What do you call for when your mum is ill? A mambulance.
Why do minicab drivers love badly written Cs? Because they’re tack Cs.
What is the letter ‘E’ fearful of? Batter Es.
What complaint does Judi Dench suffer from? Judi Dench foot.
Why did the sailors share a clock with Moby Dick? So they could have a whale of a time.
What have werewolves and lego transporters got in common? They’re both shape shifters.
What do Lyme disease-carrying pests on Joshua smell of? Josh ticks.
What do you call a serious Yardie? A grave Yard.
Why was the king feared when he punched someone in the face? Because he ruled with an eye on fist.
Why shouldn’t people be rescued by Frederick? Because they’ll be hanging on by a Fred.
What sign of the Zodiac only applies to fruit juice? Capri-Sun-Corn.
Why has Yngwie Malmsteen had so few girlfriends? Because he’s picky.
Where do eyes go to party? Eye balls.
What condiment has to show its toughness? Must hard.
What condiment always solidifies? Must hard.
What animals are most amusing? Funny rabbits.
Why do soap companies plant seeds in bathrooms? To make toilet trees.
What sport can only be played by one man? Dennis.
What do you call an inconsistent Native American tribesman? A patchy Apache.
What do you call the leader of the numbers 3, 7 and 13? The Prime Number Minister.
Why do teachers want tea? Because the alternative is naught-tea.
What pets can’t stop lying? Bull dogs.
What salts are most aggressive? Ass salts.
What creatures value marriage the most? Ring worms.
How do you make an ant louder? With an antlifier.
What have Japanese battle cries and the peepers of music groups got in common? They’re both band’s eyes.
What do you call it when you mock a taxi company? Cabuse.
What do you call someone who flatters Ellie? An Elliephant.
What’s the least effective teeth cleaner? Candy floss.
What do you call it when you throw a leaflet in someone’s face? Advert-eyesing.
Why did the partier tell the dog to bark upstairs? To raise the woof.
What weapon do all nuns fear? Nun chucks.
Why are fingers outside so clever? Because they finger things out.
What condition do cats in cans suffer from? Tinny puss.
Why did The Beatles work with Richard Kuklinski? Because he was a hit man.
What does Dominic hate the most? Con Doms.
Why are people without rabbits so relaxed? Because they’re hare-free.
What colour is best prepared? Reddy.
What animal taught you and me? The taught us.
What’s the name of the most average comedian? Peter OK.
What have fires and men’s faces got in common? They must ash.
What do you get if you give a jacket fins? A swim suit.
What’s the most dangerous soft drink? Gren-ade.
What can’t you build with heavy materials? Light houses.
What did Margaret Thatcher want when she was a child? A poll house.
What do you call a room where people share their feelings? A mush room.
What do you call gas’s sister? Gasoline.
What do you call a bishop who hits someone? A bashop.
What’s a footballer’s favourite food? Bread and head butter.
What animal is worst at cricket? The wrongbat.
What’s Russia’s favourite music? Class sickle.
What’s a crazy person’s favourite room? The loon attic.
Who shackled Mr. Smith? The lock Smith.
What do sailors and blind people suffer from? See sickness.
Why should kidneys study hard? To prevent kidney failure.
Why did the starving prisoner eat matches? To go on hunger strike.
What disease do DJs suffer from? Mix-omatosis.
Which island has many rods, shoreline indentations and old computers? Bar, bay, DOS.
What’s it called when someone dies on a hiking machine? A gym freak accident.
Why are cows so rude? They keep telling people to moooooove.
What do children with trench foot read? Pus in boots.
What do you get if you plant seeds on a herding dog? A Collie flower.
What do you call someone who hates farms? A farmacist.
What do you call a rubber assassin? A bouncy hunter.
What have students and opticians got in common? They practice re-vision.
Where do famous Americans do their banking? Star bucks.
What can you eat and wear? Cloves.
Why are men’s trophies so unexpected? Because they’re Sir prizes.
What shops are never open in Winter? Sweat shops.
Why does Milly hate the gym? Because of the tread-Mills.
What weather phenomenon copies people’s minds? The psych-clone.
What do balding men and pet stores fear? Hare loss.
What were Leo Fender’s favourite games? Strato-gy games.
What do bees use after washing their clothes? Bumble dryers.
How do ice creams get their exercise? Through milk shakes.
What happens to hardworking people when they die? They become deadicated.
What animal stole medieval weapons? The sword fish.
Why did Mozart wash so much? Because of the soap operas.
Why do people laugh at cascades? Because they’re water fools.
In what film did James Bond forget to open his parachute? Sky Fool.
Where does the best wine in the world come from? The win yard.
Why is my mother’s football so quiet? Because it’s a mum ball.
What’s the most dangerous thing about bowling? Alley-gators.
Why does frozen rain fear people breathing? Because they ex-hail.
Why did the teenagers buy their home a huge bottle of beer and a Hawaiian shirt? So they could have a house party.
What do you get if you give tea a consciousness? I.T.
Who did Hitler take out his aggression on? Ler.
Why is so satisfying rebuilding the hospital? Because it’s re-warding.
What food has has the least romantic problems? Dates.
What music does Moe listen to when he’s angry? Scream Moe.
What do you get if you cross a baby pig with a twig? A Twiglet.
Why are people with synesthesia so rational? Because they see scents.
Why does hair fear beauticians? Because of all the hair dying.
What do you call someone who throws something at a windshield? A glass hole.
What do you get when the letter E is sick? Cough E.
How do teachers deal drugs to naughty students? They give them lines.
Why are bags so emotional? Because they get carried away.
What’s a nicer name for crisps containing blood? Reddy salted.
How do pigs defend themselves? Through the pepper army.
What do you call annoying cows? Beef jerkies.
What do you feel when you love Ria? You for Ria.
What do discus throwers fear? The end of the hurled.
What was Van Gogh’s least favourite alcoholic drink? Ear.
Why are boxers so silly? because they're wacky.
What personality trait did the Three Stooges suffer from? Farcissism.
What do you call something that’s roughly circle-shaped? A round about.
What message boards could be for anyone? For ummms….
What puzzle do you get if you jab a physician with a pen? Doctor-dot.
What part of the body is always in ships? The in decks finger.
What’s the favourite jewellery of the unsigned musician? The indie pendant.
Why do sailors never measure their hats? Because if they do, they cap size.
What do poker players wear when they give up and run away? Card-i-gones.
Why do crack addicts stamp on narcotics? Because they’re drug abusers.
Why do architects throw metallic objects at Bill? To make Bill dings.
Why does Gary lose control of his emotions when he’s on a train? Because he gets Gary’d away.
Why should you drive with people who are dizzy at night? Because there will be head lights.
Why are executioners made of alcohol? Because they lead to hangovers.
Who performed the miraculous rescue in the ball pit? The God Parent.
What colour is impossible? Yell low.
What vehicle is the saddest? The bye cycle.
When will the world end? Day break.
What foods are most emotionally draining? Takeaways.
Why are boxing matches so crazy? Because they’re whack jobs.
What does the tramp Father Christmas say? Hobo hobo hobo.
What do Limp Bizkit wrap as Christmas presents? Metal.
What do you call a gangster who lives in a rubbish tip? A dumpster.
Why do sailors like alligators in lavatories? Because they’re lavi-gators.
Why is the last pan so effeminate? Because it’s a pan Z.
What animals are always warm? Sunny rabbits.
Why are people meditating so delicious? Because they have pizza mind.
How do pigs build things? With hamers.
Why are very happy people always in darkness? Because they’re de-lighted.
Why are weed-smoking people with long hair so content? Because they’re always hippy.
Why are online role players so inspirational? Because they’re character builders.
Which people hate the latter A the most? A shuns.
Why do cereal manufacturers never use shampoo? So they make corn flakes.
What’s the most evil hairdo? The voo do.
What do you call a rubbish athlete? A nafflete.
What are the worst military units? The Special Farces.
Why is Michael Jordan’s music so popular? It’s catchy.
What do you call an honest contortionist? A tortionist.
What condition did the mattress examiner get? A bed saw.
Why do surveys doubt the existence of oxygen? Because they’re question airs.
What cushions are impossible on mountains? Pil-lows.
When were drugs most common? The stoned age.
What’s the technical name for fear of ants? Avoid ants personality disorder.
Which soldiers need to have power over certain letters? Command Os.
Which comedian is best at magic? Eddie Wizard.
Which part of the body is least economical? The Waste.
What kind of lands are the most reasonable? Fair grounds.
What crimes do people in latex commit? Rubberies.
What’s a traitor’s favourite drink? Reneg-ade.
Why are people who clean up their dog’s poo so clumsy? Because they’re cack-handed.
What kind of clock do you get if you blind someone? A stop watch.
Which vehicles are always worse than the Marine Corps? Submarines.
What was the beginning of pig farming called? The saus-age.
What do you call a dog that can’t swim? A land Rover.
What do boxers wear to speed up their victories? Boxer shorts.
Why did the scientist shrink runners and inject them into the amnesiac’s brain? To jog his memory.
Why are sheep so good at guitar? Because they have lamb chops.
Why do bike companies dig up corpses and disembowel them? For the inner tubes.
What kind of fats did you have when you were a hardworking, teddybear babysitter? Sat your eight teds.
What do runners eat in the morning? Trek-fast.
What do you get if you shoot BBs at a bird of prey? A balled eagle.
What animal committed the arson? The pig lit.
Why is the letter ‘E’ so poor? Because of the tax Es.
What have baggage and legal matters over by lunchtime got in common? They’re both brief cases.
What mythical creature can’t move? The Locked Ness Monster.
Why do campaigners have short arms? Because of their wrist bans.
Why did the cannibal put Ronnie Dio in a soup when he wanted to record an album? To make a stew Dio.
What do you call a horseback thief on a drugs binge? A wayhighman.
What sorcerer is the most curious? The which?
Why don’t ninjas have faces? Because of their head bans.
What animal do you get when your mother walks away? A mam off.
Why is the tardy ice cube so lonely? Because it’s ice so lated. (Yes, that’s a real word).
Who made a dream come true through blinking? The eye wish man.
How do you stop a rope from existing? Tie a not.
Why should you never give money to asphalt? Because it will be an act of road wage.
Why was the football bashing contest a complete disaster? Because it was a slamballs.
What buildings are impossible without tongues? Pub lick houses.
Who controls everyone at sporting events? The mass got.
What toy do you get in a nuclear Winter? A snow globe.
Where do people graffiti in lairs? Den mark.
Why are ill bass guitars so simple? Because they’re bass sick.
What do people put on after saying ‘hello’? After wave.
What do you call someone who breathes a million times a day? A million air.
Why are rhinos so loud in the mist? Because they have fog horns.
What part of Alan is the most musical? The Al bum.
What’s a baby’s favourite fruit? The teddy pear.
What do you call a cloud in a vacuum? A c…
What have Jupiter and gas company schemes got in common? They’re both gas plan-its.
Why are footballers so meek? Because they’re pass-ive.
What have old men and long golf matches got in common? They’re both grand pars.
What have secondary schemes and posture-straighteners got in common? They’re both backup plans.
Why was it wet when the king ruled for 24 hours? Because it was a reigny day.
Who worships potatoes? Chip monks.
Why are the months March to June so privileged? Because of the rights of Spring.
What have needy people and ants that can’t write got in common? They have De-penned ant personality disorder.
What do you call someone who looks at small trucks? Eye van.
Who REALLY has control over a guitarist’s choices? The guitar pick.
Why does Spain have so many internet trolls? Because the people there are Spammish.
Where do Spanish people keep their tinned meat? Spam yards.
Where do strawberries go for fun? Berry-go-rounds.
Why did The Stone Roses build a stadium in the shape of a ‘D’? To perform in D music.
Why do dying people need flowers that have had sex changes? Because they’re trans plants.
Why was the loudest dog so crazy? Because it was bark king mad.
What do you call a group of infected Mac computers? Mad Macs.
Why did the shoddy events organiser get a divorce? Because he had a naff-fair.
Why did the boat collapse? Because it had a deck of cards.
What do you call it when you put eyes on stomach’s illegally? Organ-eyesd crime.
Why are people living in American change so sweet? Because they are in a cent.
What music do friendly babies play? New wave.
What’s a demolition derby driver’s favourite music? Dent.
Why is Ruby Wax so aggressive? Because Ruby whacks.
What do you call a self-important and temperamental bee? A biva.
Why do lions hate being happy? Because that would make them dandy lions.
What do guitarists put on to make playing easier? Nail vanish.
What do you call the Joker on drugs? The Toker.
Why did the man stop doing drugs? Because he couldn’t toke it anymore.
What did Eleanor Rigby do when she was old and couldn’t remember her name? Play Eleanor Rugby.
Why can you never destroy pears? Because they keep re-pearing themselves.
What do great apes taste like? They’re orangu-tangy.
Who do vandals get to eat graphs? Their graph-eaties.
What did Jeffrey Dahmer call himself, when he cut off people’s feet and kept them? A stamp collector.
Why are all children criminals when they sleep? Because they kid nap.
Why do people who lift beef do riskier and riskier things? Because they raise the steaks.
Why do old people expand when they die? Because they die late.
Who gives people limbs to eat? The arm-y.
What’s the difference between a military port and a bass guitar played with a nose? One’s a naval base and the other’s a nasal bass.
Why should the letter ‘E’ never fuse with other letters? Because that would be an E-merge-ancy.
Why do reporters hate infections? Because they’re germ-alists.
What makes babies stupid? Their dummies.
Why do women chew on glue? For the lip stick.
What have cynical springs and illogical writings got in common? They’re both suspensions of disbelief.
Why are evil fridges so pessimistic? Because they’re sinner cool.
Where does the wind never want to be? Windsore.
Which Pokemon gets to select his illness? Pick achoo!
What liquid is most suspicious of Liam? Patrol Liam.
Why is Raymond dangerous when he dies? Because he becomes an ex-Ray.
How do athletes make their money? Through sweat shops.
What do you call an ambitious bee? A wanna bee.
Why is Father Christmas so stable? Because he has elf control.
What’s the name of Alice Cooper’s baby? Mini Cooper.
What’s it called when thugs breathe second-hand smoke? Passive aggressive smoking.
What do you call a man with an empty house? A space man.
Why aren’t objects in the sun to be trusted? Because they’re shady.
What do you call a crazy suit? A suit case.
Why does Elizabeth have a poor diet? Because she only has Lizzy drinks.
What have soldiers and ants with guns got in common? They’re both combat ants.
What have songwriters and computers that pretend to be something else have in common? They’re both com posers.
What band did Shakespeare listen to when he was on the beach? A see, thee sea.
Where does the most fighting take place? Scrap yards.
Who imprisoned Mr. Smith? The lock Smith.
What do you call a spy up to date with current affairs? A news agent.
What material can never be invisible? Plasti-seen.
What herb can only be eaten at 6pm? Dinner thyme.
Why is there so much gun violence in baseball? Because of the baseball caps.
What do you call a blind saw? A … …
Why did the man go crazy when he slipped on a leaflet, written by a sheep? Because he went on a ram page.
Where did sheep used to get their self-esteem? Wool worths.
Why is it so loud when you wipe bird poo off your leg joint? Because it’s a cack off a knee.
What birds are most stubborn? The won’t budgie.
Why does bubble wrap grow up so quickly? Because it’s pack ageing.
Why can half-hearted blows with the foot see into the future? Because they’re sigh-kicks.
Why do people without clay dwarves live in poverty? Because they’re gnome-less.
What household item can never win? The draw.
Why do dedicated and aggressive people attack clowns? Because they go for the juggler.
Why are winners dehydrated? Because they’re firsty.
Why are German bacterias so crazy? Because they’re germ manic.
What do you call a sex pest light? A flashlight.
Why do construction workers give sleeping tablets to cows? To make bull dozers.
What’s a posh Russian’s favourite music? Class sickle.
What’s fungi’s favourite number? Rot ten.
Why is it dangerous if Katy gets depressed? Because then she’ll suffer Kate.
Where will we get electricity if all our power plants fail? Battery farms.
What clothes are always out of breath? Pants.
When will everyone leave Wales for London? East-er.
What do you call metal music about fruit? Apple core.
Who makes money from entrances? Bill gates.
What emotion does the Loch Ness Monster feel when hungry? Empty Ness.
Why did I turn myself into a monacle? To make a spectacle of myself.
What composer was best at fishing? Bait Hoven.
What infections are clay-workers prone to? Mould.
What supermarket do the most levelheaded fruit come from? Sane Berries.
What electronics company is obsessed with legs? SO knee.
What kind of packages are most dangerous and bloodthirsty? De-liveries.
How do you measure the size of painful teeth? By tooth ache-rs.
Who will always be Airsoft world champion? BB King.
What rocks are only found in England? Limeystones.
What do you call an OAP called Lee? Elderly-Lee.
Why must Ken never have a brother? Because then he’ll be bro Ken.
What parts of body do the most drugs? The joints.
What drink is most common in a pandemic? Cough-ee.
What are trophy killer’s favourite stores? Third hand shops.
Why do the worst killers mock numbers? Because they diss figure.
What do you call cookie adverts? Show bizzcuitness.
What’s the strongest part of an electric guitar? The pickup.
What musical elements can never be on their own? With ‘ems.
Who steals from the undead? Rob Zombie.
What do recovering schizophrenics wash with? Sanitisers.
What communication devices are least musical? Chordless phones.
What makes iron good at accounting? Its iron filings.
Where do cows come from? The moooon.
Why do video games love small units of measurement? Because they’re pro-grams.
What do you get if you give beer to Ian? An ale Ian.
What do you call an angel with a skin disease? A mange-l.
What place does Satan fear the most? Hell sinky.
What country worships the letter ‘O’ the most? Monarch O.
Why do biologists look at vacuum cleaners? To make vac-seens.
Why does Holly party so much? Because for her, every day is a Holly day.
Where do old people get their intuition from? Their hunch bucks.
What vehicles can Daniel never be invisible to? See Dans.
Why is the letter ’N’ so protected in the countryside? Because of all the guard Ns.
Where do a fifth of the world’s vowels come from? The O zone layer.
What instruments do people called Haleigh fear the most? U kill Haleighs.
Why do clothes made of kevlar prove the existence of guns? Because they’re bullet proof.
How big do Catholics like things? Mass-ive.
Why are battery powered teddy bears so dangerous? Because they electro cute.
What do schizophrenics eat to be healthy? Word salad.
What animal do you get when you say a loud and strong ‘hello’? A buffhello.
What kind of weather protests the most? The lightning strike.
Why do people with small hats on their palms get special treatment? Because they’re handy capped.
What’s a percussionist’s favourite chocolate? Drum Kitkat.
What size trips the most people up? Tie knee.
Why shouldn’t you self-cannibalise too much? Because that would make you full of yourself.
What killed Forrest Gum? Deforestation.
What part of the body keeps getting drunk? The beered.
Why shouldn’t you trust anything that weighs 6 kg? Because it’s cold as a stone.
What musicians do jays fear? De-jays.
Why do horses fear unrest? Because it de-stablises.
Why are people’s lower legs so cold? Because of their ank-cools.
Why did the X-ray operator lob the letter ‘C’? To C throw.
Why are coffee shops so upset? Because they’re cafe-tearias.
Why do bees groan mindlessly when they eat? They turn into nom bees.
Why do dictators put up with noughts? Because they have zero tolerance.
Which cooking utensil lookalike keeps getting people drunk? The whisk-y.
Why were early humans so fat? Because they were crave men.
Which fighters stick up for the sun the most? Shadow boxers.
Why was the first time a cow fell off a cliff significant? It was the first moo landing.
Which animals are most likely to be alcoholics? Winos.
What’s the windiest month? Au-gust.
Why did Metallica sells doors in the mid 90s? They were sell outs.
Why will Dave Mustaine have severe hearing loss if he’s not careful? He’ll be mega deaf.
Why does the air smell nice when it dies? It becomes an air-o-soul.
Why are castles so hardworking? They’re moat-ivated.
Why are old cars aggressive? They’re bangers.
What do you call a vehicle made of molluscs? A mussel car.
What time of year is filled with possibilities? May.
What sport can only be played in ravines? Gulf.
Why do posh people in higher education go to pieces of art made of lots of parts? Because they go to collage.
Why are footballers dummies? Because they’re pass-ifiers.
Why are people who get their legal cases cut short deaf? They suffer from hearing loss.
What hazard are people who know Raymond prone to? Ray-diation.
What do you call someone who deals illegal ham? A hamster.
Which buildings can barely be heard? Sigh lows.
What do cats say when attacking others? You-ow!
Why are incorrect door openers misshaped? They’re wrongkeys.
Why are orange peels so resentful? They’re bitter and twisted.
What have money in video games and modelling toys for children got in common? They’re both play dough.
What do intellectuals drink? Thoughtified wine.
What was Jeffrey Dahmer in charge of in the historic battle? Cannonballs.
Where does the letter ’T’ go to the toilet? In the T pee.
Why does the wind smell cheesy? Because of its bries.
Why are there no mini policemen? Because of the long arm of the law.
How do the army celebrate Halloween? With bomb fires.
Which people make the best competitive eaters? Space men.
Which member of the Tory party always wins? Vick.
What do you call a member of the UN? Ewen.
What’s a sailor’s most feared music? Sunk music.
What do you call a woman who lives in the desert? Sandy.
What vegetables do socialists eat? Commie-flowers.
Why are there so many crazy people in Brazil? Because of the Brazil nuts.
When do light knobs eat? Dimmer time.
When do snakes take from men? When they his.
What sport do cube manufactures fear? Rounders.
What gardening equipment do all policemen fear? Law mowers.
What do you call a commercial about mental health awareness? A madvert.
Why do tarantulas have so many eyes? Because they’re spy-ders.
How do horses communicate? Through horse code.
What liquids do confused ant researchers use? Solve ants.
Which fictional character damaged the rainbow? Ram Bow.
Which liquid is most grateful? Ta.
Where should you go if you’ve got no limbs? The army.
What do ants play their music on? Antlifiers.
What do newspaper editors wear to stop them getting annoyed? Pun glasses.
What’s it called when loo paper is on a lucky streak? On a toilet roll.
What music do Metallica play when in the bath? Splash metal.
What’s the only vegetable that can use the telephone? The onion ring.
What’s a businessman’s favourite drink? The handshake.
What animals do monks use to open doors? Monkeys.
What snacks to tardy people eat? Choco-lates.
What’s an elderly mafia boss’s favourite song? Gang Nan Style.
Who’s the only boxer who’s father was an item of clothing? Mike Tie Son.
Why do posh people start life in schools? Because they come from class wombs.
What’s it called when a pilot falls asleep? A sleepover.
What sport do resting bees play? Rug bee.
What’s it called when the kind-hearted Eugene is on a mountain? Good high Gene.
What’s Oliver’s favourite sport? Olly ball.
Why is Graham Coxon’s memory so bad? Because it’s a Blur.
What do you call a boat made of James’s penis? A Jim member ship.
Why are painters in swamps so dangerous? Because they’re marsh-al artists.
What vehicles do chowders come from? Soup-er cars.
When did Jimi Hendrix smash his guitar up? During the break.
What vehicles do groupies drive? Fans.
What’s the cheapest metal? Value minimum.
Why are cardboards used as anti-depressants? Because they de-tear-iorate.
What you call fear of spiders in jackets? Anorachnophobia.
What month are all fibs to be submitted? Due lie.
What material gets restless the quickest? Card bored.
How did the Vikings communicate? Through Norse code.
What courses are most dissonant? Seconds.
Why should racing drivers never be allowed in electronics stores? Because they keep trying to take the lead.
Why did the casualty come out of the hospital taller? Because he was on a stretcher.
Why was the weather exam so easy? It was a breeze.
What causes the most punctures in bike shops? Spikes in sales.
What’s the most pointless thing in the universe? Anti-matter.
Why shouldn’t you say ‘thank you’ twice? To prevent build ups of ta ta.
Why are triangles so nervous? Because they’re edgy.
What’s the only mathematical operation that can blind you? De-vision.
What’s a baby’s favourite computer? Say ‘ga!’
Which party wasn’t the Frisbee allowed to go to? The disc go.
Which children’s character flicked the slime? Ping Goo.
Why is the year 4,000 so tasty? Because it’s MMMM.
What do sailors eat for breakfast? Boatmeal.
Which philosopher ate from his feet? Plate Toe.
Why are deaf people so brave? Because they’re hearless.
What do brothers read when feeling confident? Bro-sures.
Why are takeaway drivers easy to predict? Because they’re tip-ical.
Why shouldn’t a Catholic church service be too harsh? Because it would be a critical mass.
Which instrument is most harmless? The threatless bass.
What seats are most depressed? Saddles.
Why did the vlogger give consciousness to the river? To live stream.
How did Jimi Hendrix quench his thirst? With fuzzy drinks.
What do you call the study of Cola? Fizzics.
Which year was most self-centred? I.
What food does Dominic fear the most? Popper Doms.
What do you call someone with a metal leg? Rod Knee.
Why did the composer replace his door? Because he used a change of key.
How Does Dave Mustaine communicate? By megaphone.
What do you call someone who sort of comes from Denmark? Danish.
How do Russians travel? By vod car.
What do you call an amazing cow? A wow!
What happened to the dying man who made a long lost bed sheet appear out of nothing? He made a miraculous re-covery.
Where do aggressive cows come from? Lairy farms.
What parts of drum kits are used as logos? Symbols.
What does Mick always listen to? Mick’s tapes.
Why are disordered telephones so sought after? Because they’re telepathic.
What do you call a computer file stored in man’s torso? A middie file.
In which part of the house do murderers keep their victim’s eyeballs? Stare cases.
What animals are never right? Wrongbats.
What do crabs do when in pain? Pince.
What dogs love working as scientists? Lab adores.
Why was the bank robber kind to his friend? He stick-upped for him.
What vegetables do all trees fear? Beat roots.
What structures never get sick? Wells.
Why are the elderly so efficient? Because they get stuff done in nanny seconds.
Where can you never consume fizzy drinks? In flats.
What foods are most impolite? Fresh vegetables.
What animals do apples fear? Fruit bats.
Why don’t fish get fat? Because of their fins.
What do you call a cheeky Catholic church service? A sass.
What have tramps and crazy treasure guarding dwarves got in common? They’re both gnome mads.
What do you call a Catholic church service for a fish? A bass.
What do ballerinas drink? Dizzy drinks.
Which country is most overlooked? Ignorway.
Why did Vlad the Impaler keep going to pee? He had Vladder problems.
What number keeps robbing people? Thefty.
What number keeps warming up? Thaw.
What do Scottish people call loose skin? Saggis.
What have trains and crazy people’s reasonings got in common? They’re both loco motives.
What animals are most observant? Checkin’s.
What do The Rolling Stones drive? Mick Jaguars.
What do people play when chilling out together? Hang man.
What do you call a gooey Englishman? A slimy.
Which gangsters loved to draw? The Crayon Twins.
Why are independent pigs so troubled? Because they self-ham.
Why did Jung give a brain to the subway sandwich? The study the sub-conscious.
What vegetables get mocked the most? Roasted potatoes.
What do you call the best tramp? The trampion/the top tramp.
What are the favourite storms of bicycle manufacturers? Cyc-clones.
What clothes do scientists wear? Howsers?
What does Eddie Van Halen drink? Tap water.
Why do cats DJ? Because they scratch.
What rides can’t blind people go on? See saws.
Why does the soldier like an occasional Apple Tango? Because it’s a green-ade.
Which shoppers insult Omar the most? Cuss-Omars.
Where was Johnny Vegas robbed? Loss Vegas.
Where do the working classes get their air conditioners? Fan fairs for the common man.
What do you call someone who looks a bit like a turkey? Turkish.
What country has a boat coming out the side of its face? Ear ark.
What do philosophers ride? Trains of thought.
Why is travelling in commercial aircrafts so boring? Because they’re plains.
What fighters aren’t allowed in Argos? Kick boxers.
Why do Amazon workers have cauliflower ears? Because of all the boxing.
What foods drain your energy? Takeaways.
What do you call cannons made for bulls? Cowitzers.
Why do songwriters get their pictures taken by computers? Because they’re com-posers.
Where’s the worst place in Africa? Naffrica.
What do you call excited barbed wire? Woo barb.
Why are burns nasty wounds? Because they’re sear-ious.
Where do dogs lose their hair? Sheds.
What do you call someone in a wolf-fur coat? A wear wolf.
What infections are panicky lists prone to? Listeria.
Why is diseased corn so magical? Because it’s lepery corn.
Why are people in mental institutions so fat? Because they have padded cells.
Why did the sleepy child go to jail? For kid napping.
What car do you get if you punch the letter ‘D’? An ow D.
Why are rich people so happy? Because they have lots of funds.
What vehicles are always welcome in gyms? Trains.
What vegetables can you almost pay people with? Celeries.
What do you call a rubbish interior? An inferior.
What is Harry Potter a natural at? Pottery.
What did Lee eat before the test to give him luck? Pass Lee.
What do you call an old lady on a bus? Gran tourismo.
Why don’t indoor gyms makes sense? Because you work out in them.
What do clever Labradors wear? Lab coats.
What do animal rights campaigners have instead of furniture? Niture.
What do you call pink letters? Fe-mail.
What do sheep drive? Baaas.
What disease do boxers fear? Man thwacks.
What do you call a Viking housewife? A Pie king.
What comic do bees hate the most? The Bee No.
What town can Stan never be sick? Stan Well.
Why can spectacles speak? Because they’re glass says.
What is the most misunderstood part of a house? The base meant.
What do you give a star with poor eyesight? Sun glasses.
What do you call a cuddly letter T? A T spoon.
What clothes get passed down from generation to generation? Jeans.
Why do soldiers hate stormy oceans? Because of the sue-armies.
Who does Lee hate the most? Bill Lee.
What do doctors call their sneezes? Nasal spray.
Why is the letter X so great when it sells insects? Because it’s X sell ant.
What’s a Viking’s favourite number? Thor.
Why did the cocky pilot crash the plane? Because he was told to drop the altitude.
Why are birds so reflective? Because of their wing mirrors.
What’s a pirate’s favourite instrument? The lute.
Why do tall horses hate supercars? Because of their high horse pow-ers.
Why are employees of the insult company so spaced out? They come from the diss association.
Why are there no windows in Scotland’s capital? Because it’s glass go.
Why are people who fire too many BBs so annoying? Because they’re over bearing.
What do you call a retired runner? A runner been.
Why should exams always be indoors? To stop people passing out.
What do you call the time after a comedy gig? The after mirth.
What do sightseers in Hell say? ‘Hey, these!’
Who makes green the most disgusting colour? Green grossers.
What do you call badass toffee? Toughie.
What plant is the most attention-seeking? Hey!
Who gets into arguments with sums? Math Feud.
Why aren’t even reliable ears to be trusted? Because they’re ear-responsible.
What’s a crocodile’s favourite size? Bite size.
What psychiatric condition are sketch writers prone to? Skits-oid personality disorder.
What do sad snitches listen to? Blue grass.
How did dinosaurs like their meat? Roar.
What vehicle ruined the racetrack? The track-tore.
What do magicians wear? Card-i-gones.
What do novelists wear? Make up.
What do good scientists never wear? Make up.
What have Richard Ramirez and plants that grow in the evening got in common? They’re both night-stalkers.
What disease are confused people prone to? Ehds?
What civilisation had no women? The Ro-man empire.
Why are stingy people abusive? They’re penny pinchers.
Why are inuits so unhealthy? Because of all the ice burgers.
Why do drunk people hate hammocks? Because they’re hangovers.
What do you call underwater games of pool? Swimming pool.
What pictures do polar bears take? Polaroids.
What pictures do robotic polar bears take? Polardriods.
What does Death Valley take when it’s depressed? Death Valium.
What chemical drugs nasty people? Dope a meany.
Why are policemen’s ties so expensive? Because they’re ripoffs.
What do happy hippies say? Yippie!
Where do inheritors go to travel? Heir ports.
What do you call a thrill-seeking fruit? A pear devil.
What letters are most boring? TDS.
What was Fidel Castro’s favourite brass instrument? The Cuba.
How do Chinese people cool off? With rice cubes.
Where do people go to throw up? Barf rooms.
How did the pool player die? He drowned.
What do you call a father with dementia? Watson.
How do Martians cook confectionary? With Marsi-pans.
Where do the sweetest optical organs come from? Dessert eye lands.
What do you get if you put a cello in the fridge? A chill-o.
What’s Ian the bin man’s favourite mode? Lid-Ian.
Why should Lucy never wear a fur coat? Because it would be Lucy fur.
What do you call a super villain in charge of detecting enemies? Darth Radar.
Why did the milk turn sour when the man screwed up? Because it was an off day.
What’s Barry’s favourite weapon? The Baz-ooka.
What’s Garry’s favourite weapon? The Gaz-ooka.
What’s the difference between a syringe and a baby? One’s a needle and the other needs dolls.
Why does Lance Armstrong care about the environment so much? Because he re-cycles.
What liquid hates triads the most? Anti-threes.
What medical condition are barbers prone to? Comb-ers.
Why do janitors give engines to rooms? To make brrrrrr-rooms.
What’s a boy band’s favourite snack? Pop noodle.
Why do most plants go to jail? For stalking.
What do you call an investigator who disapproves of the lower classes? Snoopy.
What do you call a rubbish haircut? A hair don’t.
When do horses fight? The equine-knocks.
What do you call a judge who keeps screwing up? A fudge.
What food does Faye fear the most? Sue-Fayes.
Why is it illegal to point torches at cows? Because it’s moo-shine.
What instrument stole the shoe laces? The steal string guitar.
What do you call an evil farmer? A harmer.
What’s the easiest planet to invade? Nerf.
What kind of story do you get when Faye plays soccer? A Faye-ball.
Why do thrash metal guitarists binge drink so much? Because they’re chuggers.
What cats do you get when hairs cover frying pans? Pan-furs.
Why do companies search for deep sea fish? To get low-goes.
Why are entertaining tunnels used for pouring things? Because they’re funnels.
What comedian can’t be turned into a liquid? Eddie is hard.
Which teachers bite things to shreds? Chew-tores.
Which country forces people to write dissertations? You, essay.
Why is the burning football everywhere? Because it’s glow ball.
Why couldn’t the man using the washing machine talk? Because he put a sock in it.
What did Jimi Hendrix use when in the army? War war pedals.
What do you call reheated takeaways? Re-licious.
What do birds do on Halloween? Chick or treat.
What band couldn’t perform without lighting? The Shadows.
What do you call a horror performer? A hacktor.
What do you call an axeman at a Guns ’n’ Roses concert? A hack and Slash.
What does excessive laughter cause? Barfter.
Why are ants on slopes out of control? Because they’re ramp ants.
What do cows read? The moos.
Why are aggressive cows homeless? Because they tramp-le.
What does the letter N drink when it wants to get somewhere? N gin.
What band destroyed the river? Ex-stream.
Which people fired their children the most? Sack sons.
How do babies in the womb communicate? Through belly phones.
What is Ozzy Osbourne at the beach? A rock ’n’ roll pebble.
What do you call someone who keeps pork too long? GrayHam.
What do you call lots of Gary? Garage.
Why do Dream Theater support violence? Because they’re pro-gressive.
What do you call Arab leaders who supply sodium? Salt sheikh-ers.
Why are motorists never wet? Because they’re dry-vers.
Why is date juice always old? Because it’s out of date.
Why were ancient men made of leg joints and cleaning fluids? Because they were knee and Dettols.
Why are tent repairers so regretful? Because they retent.
What are the only animals that can work in music shops? Tunas.
Why are cat’s tents deformed? Because they’re mew tents.
What do tramps with colds sell? The Big Tissue.
Why are runaway cows so passive? Because they’re farmless.
What do you call a vampire with OCD? Count Dracula.
Why was the graffiti on the pew such a strong reference point? Because it was a bench mark.
What do you call a rebellious duvet? A don’t-vet.
How do surgeons grab people’s heads? With scalp-pulls.
Why are bees always drunk? Because they’re buzzed.
What happened to the McDonald’s restaurant? It was burger-lerised.
When do gamblers make most of their money? Winter.
Why do observant dolls cause such outrage? Because they’re scan dolls.
What are climber’s favourite computer games? Feet ‘em ups.
What’s the coolest racing game? Fridge Racer.
What do you call extreme paranoia? Power-noia.
Where do people who ask cards questions come from? Card, if…?
What do you call a schizophrenic in charge of the country? Power-noid.
What homes can never be found? Where houses?
What do you call sentimental potatoes? Mush potatoes.
What day of the week is most impatient? When day?
What day of the week do animal rights campaigners hate the most? Furs day.
What’s the hottest day of the week? Fry day.
What day of the week is most longing? Some day.
Why was Cliff Burton’s bogie so exciting? It was a Cliff hanger.
Why did the toothpaste company put restrooms in the forest? To make toilet trees.
What do you call someone who mangles the letter ‘E’? E gore.
What do you call an auntie with a broken leg? An agony aunt.
What did Kurt Cobain say when he was annoyed with someone? You’ve got a Nirvana.
Why is the ghost so kind? Because he’s selfless.
What’s a general’s favourite drink? Warter.
What’s a witch’s favourite drink? Warter.
What do drunk boxers talk? Jabberish.
Why are Heinz 57 workers magical? Because they’re sauce-erers.
What do you call potatoes without mouths? Hush browns.
Why are bored wrens so loud? Because they’re sigh wrens.
Who does Bert hate the most? Rob Bert.
What afternoon cheese is messiest? Day brie.
Why should the letter T never be relaxed? Because it would be a casual T.
What do you call a cat that plays the bagpipes? Bag Pus.
How good is it when Terence plays soccer? Terry ball.
What do you call a dog general? A pawlord.
What do you call overcooked hash browns? Ash browns.
Why is William so bitter when he’s sick? Because he’s ill Will.
What do you call a mobile app you can eat? A bapp.
How did the neckwear makers die? They scarved.
What do hoarders like to read? The Jumble Book.
Why did the robbed herb salesman never grow old? Because he was thyme-less.
What clothes never corrode? Underwear.
How do jackets prove the existence of rain? They’re waterproof.
Where do ill people get their water? The farm o’ sea.
Where do troubled crustaceans go? To see a shrimp.
What do you call a brother with a very high temperature? A sizzling.
What’s the only organisation that’s allowed to rob people? Thiefer.
What animals make worn emblems? Badgers.
Where did James Brown sleep? In a funk bed.
What do you call a shark on halloween? A masking shark.
Why did the mathematician give the letter D glasses? For the D vision.
Why did the man’s sibling have an unusual growth? Because she was his cyst-er.
Why did the windscreen tell the police the truth when it was hit with a stone? Because it cracked.
What musicians do suns fear the most? Pop stars.
Where does the unhealthiest water come from? Batter sea.
Why did the law-abiding man go to jail when he had flu? Because he was ill legal.
Where do the elderly get their ideas? Their hunch backs.
What have coolers and men out of jail got in common? They’re both free Sirs.
Why are baby stars evil? Because they’re Stalins.
How did the fish-spider catch its prey? With codwebs.
What do you call a snake’s sibling? A hisster.
What manoeuvre can driverless cars never perform? You turns.
Why are spacemen so impatient? Because they’re waitless.
Why did the morally responsible man get William out of jail? Because he believed in free Will.
Why was the astronaut’s torso worthless? Because it was a waist of space.
What are below average marines used as? Submarines.
What symptoms do unbalanced cows have? Moo swings.
What do dogs eat for breakfast? Coco Pups.
What do you call a killer who attacks in drizzles? A rainiac.
Why did the misplaced shoe go to Hell? It was a lost soul.
What do you call confused parasols? Ummmmmmbrellas.
Why do hippies lie about horses? To make pony tales.
What foods are most sociable? Meets.
Why was everyone sick in the pub? Because it didn’t have a barf room.
What kind of jail did Ronald McDonald go to? A super Macs jail.
What do tigers hang around in? Fangs.
When do people walk the most? March.
Why did the king blow on the seat? To have an air of the throne.
What pets are best at drums? Tom tom cats.
What’s Metallica’s favourite chocolate? Walnut whiplash.
What weather is most aggressive? Thuggy weather.
Why was the Slipknot member so stubborn? Because he was pig-headed.
What do you call the child of a car jacker? Jackson.
Why are nuclear reactors so annoying? Because they’re power sites.
What language is based on biros? Arab bic.
Why are Jewish men made of beer? Because they’re he brews.
Why was the man tired when he felt the resting pea? Because he was feeling sleep pea.
Where is Derek Trotter most alert? Del Aware.
Why aren’t computer graphic workers to be trusted? Because they’re com artists.
What number can’t hold its beer? Sicks.
What do gunships become in the holidays? Funships.
What band are obsessed with polaroids? The Pic Sees.
Why are excessive food toppings stupid? Because they’re more ons.
What sport do people in gorges play? Valley ball.
What parts of the body attack the eyes? Eye lashes.
What do you call someone who describes their fan? My Cool.
What do you call someone who deforms his Ming Vases? Bend Ya Ming.
What animals were most against painting DIY equipment? Dye no saws.
What tedious political party stays in bed all day? Lay bore.
How do you stop a pig? In a hambush.
Where do legs go to have fun? Femur parks.
Where do spheres get approved? The Ball Tick.
How did Stew die? In a soup.
Why was the man so tall and thin? Because he was Pole-ish.
What’s a horse-sailor’s favourite letter? Neigh-V.
What does Paul wear in the Winter? Paul overs.
What do you call a Jew with itchy peepers? A rub-eye.
Where do fish get lost? Aq-where-iums?
Why was the film so active? Because it was a movie.
What do you call poor memory in pigs? Hamnesia.
What do magicians do in the countryside? Wander.
How do most cymbals die? They choke.
Why did the undertaker burn? Because he was sear-ious.
What time did Mats Leven get sick? Ill Leven.
What number is most relatable? Me Two!
Where do bats get their energy? Batteries.
Why do blind homing pigeons live on the streets? Because they’re homeless.
What animals live in your nose? Nasal hares.
Which people are definitely not the letter ‘E’? Aren’t Es.
Why is the elephant so wild? Because it’s a part E animal.
What foods damage teeth the most? Chips.
Why was Nicholas so pleasing to look at when he was wearing glasses? Because he was see-Nick.
Who got engaged to the vowel? Marry O.
What game is played on people’s pecs? Chest.
Why did the man eat the occultist on the beach? Because she as a sand witch.
What guitarist was always hungry? Gary More!
What other guitarist was always hungry? Vinnie More!
Why is it illegal to rub your hand on your dog’s foot? Because it would be against the paw.
Why was the wind so silly? Because it was a daft.
Why did the dyslexic construction worker stab so many people? Because he used a dagger. (Not a digger).
Where does the shadiest technology come from? Tech sus.
Why does the tinned food trade do so well at Christmas? Because tin sells everywhere.
Why are stupid spies so creepy? Because they’re spy derrrrrs.
Where does household income come from? Homework.
Why is food made by bees so warlike? Because it’s Hun-ny.
How do members of parliament go the the toilet? They M pee.
Where did the demon drown? Hell sinky.
How do ants in radio stations pay each other? With ant tenners.
Why was the boat so positive? Because it had a can-oo attitude.
What are rowdy adders used as? Ladders.
What’s the dodgiest car manufacturer? Sus-uki.
Why do medics break the law? For the medi-sin.
What do people wear when hungover? Crash helmets.
What do people in Vietnam listen to? Vietnambient music.
What number serves tea the most? For tea.
What do you call an enigmatic child of a bath? A bath-ling.
What part of the phone is false? The phone knee.
What animals do the most housework? Chore-toises.
How did the massive gunshot save the falling man? It was a power shoot.
Why did the chef cover the letter V with ash? To make grey V.
Why was the smelly abdomen gone? Because it was ab-scent.
Why was the non-existent tea badly behaved? Because it was nought tea.
What really killed the dinosaurs? Roar.
How did the clock feel when its hands were stolen? It was ticked off.
Why was Dave Lister sore when he went to Heaven? Because he was a bliss-ter.
Where do you buy bees? At the bumble sale.
What can’t Melanie eat when unplugged? Mel ons.
Why did the TV maker pump Alan up? To make an airy Al.
What number makes the worst drink? Fur tea.
What material makes the best detective? Foil.
Where does the letter E get the most rest? In the sit E.
What foods are obsessed with walls? Wall nuts.
What country does Daniel hate the most? The Sue-Dan.
What place always has a finished letter ‘D’? Done D.
Why are half-burnt bits of coal silly? Because they’re fuel-ish.
Why was the award for Garfield’s bum such a disaster? Because it was a cat ass trophy.
What made the driver sleepy? The tires.
Why does the letter D sing when in the bath? Because it’s a mellow D.
Why did the mechanic fire a gun with a broken hand? Because he was a troubleshooter.
Why did the man’s foot get cold during the pandemic? Because of the sock down.
Why did Big Ben collapse during the pandemic? Because of the clock down.
Why did the lego statue collapse during the pandemic? Because of the block down.
Why was Albert Fish such a weird killer? He was Fishy.
What do you call a part played by a sausage? A sausage role.
Why can’t vegetarians play sausages in theatres? Because they would be sausage roles.
What will it be called when Meg Ryan dies? Meg R. death.
Why are people obsessed with computers so kind? Because they show com-passion.
Why could the van carrying lasers fly? Because it was a ray van.
Why was the bleeding man prepared? Because he was reddy.
Why do eagles go to Heaven? Because they’re birds of pray.
Why do people who subscribe twice never forget? Because they re-member.
Why was Terrance so scared when he worked as a clown? Because he was Terry-pied.
Why are colourful vacuum cleaners so good for you? Because they’re vac-seens.
What’s it called when cereal gets respect? Coco Props.
Why is the extra-special Marmite so dangerous? Because it’s a super spreader.
Why are very small headphones so friendly? Because they’re ear buds.
Why was the open air concert guard so amazing? Because he was out standing.
What do you call a dead hippo? A hippo-not-amus.
Why isn’t water allowed to enter planes? Because it would be water boarding.
Why did Bach give fingers to the tiddlywink? To make counterpoints.
What chord is dodgy for an unexplained reason? Sus 4.
What chord is also dodgy? Sus 2.
Why wasn’t the runaway dot allowed? Because it was out of the question.
Why shouldn’t you wear a clock on your torso? Because it would be a waste of time.
What do you call the wartiest man in the world? A warthog.
What do you get when a t-rex mixes a band? Roar production.
Why was Jimi Hendrix so protective when he smashed his guitars? Because he was a de-Fender.
What have thirsty people and people stopped from waving got in common? They’re both de-hi-drated.
Why was there panic when E combined with F? Because it was an E-merge-ancy.
How do Italians duplicate things? They copy and pasta.
Why are jumbo jets painted white? Because they’re plains.
Why does financial relief come from confident insects? Because it’s in sure ants.
Why do chord progressions cause blindness? Because they’re harming-eyes-ations.
What do Muslim kings wear when it’s hot? Sultan lotion.
What do rams in pain listen to? The Ram Moans.
Where does air get fit? In air conditioners.
Where do Westlife audiences headbang? In mush pits.
Why is it silly when you punch the letter E? Because it’s whack E.
What sport can only be played at around 10 o’clock? Ten-ish.
What do psychiatrists listen to? Carl Jungle.
What do you get when you cross a fruit with a burger? An apple Mac.
What guitar played Command and Conquer? The Fender Strat.
What are the only pens that feel pain? Felt tip pens.
What do you call a quick sketch of a turd? A poodle.
What maths are the most fun and musical? Joy divisions.
What plant to you get if you throw your poo? A cack toss.
What does the resting tar listen to? A sit tar.
What did Sally turn into when she joined the armed forces? A Sal army.
Why did the chef end disease? Because he was an epic cure.
Why was the grindcore guitarist so opinionated? Because he had an axe to grind.
What do you call Lee when he’s disappointed? Lee oh…
What was it called when Einstein wondered if his friend was his brother? The theory of relativity.
Why was the rescued man so wise? Because he was pro-found.
What fruit do fantasy fans never eat? Ban-Narnias.
What’s a tree’s favourite note? The root.
Why did the CEO go to jail? Attempted merger.
Where do vegetarians go when they’re hungry? Corn Wall.
What religious people are best at finding things? Seeks.
What did the anarchist use on his head? Heir removal cream.
What numbers did Huns fear the most? Hun dreads.
Why is a religious woman’s makeup so explosive? Because it’s nun powder.
How much did the key on the ocean floor weigh? A key low.
Why was Allan Holdsworth’s priciest album bewildering? Because it was con fusion.
What do philosophers eat for breakfast? Wise crispies.
Where do photomontage artists go to study? Collage.
Why was the jug in the sunlight so familiar when it was looked at? Because it was day jar viewed.
Why shouldn’t people fight over the latest windows? Because it would be a new clear war.
Why is Anna’s town so heavy? Because it’s an Anne-ville.
Why could the cab sense things that were poor quality? Because it was a tack-see.
Why do ducks get smaller when they reproduce? Because it’s re-duck-tion.
Where do planes get their meat? Their wing spams.
What curries get you free toilets? Win the loos.
Why did the keyboardist pass out? Because he used an absinthesiser.
What country is made of train tracks? Is rail.
Why were The Kinks dizzy? Because they were a rock band.
Why were The Kinks controversial on the cruise? Because they rocked the boat.
Why was the crying snake so anxious? Because it was experiencing hiss-tearia.
Why did the farmer sing Korn with an emotional voice? To make sweet Korn.
Why could the bored, angry foot see into the future? Because it was sigh-kick.
Where do the quickest doorbells come from? Bell fast.
Why did the boxer get employed as a nurse? For his jabs.
Where did Holly go when she had an excuse? Holly Would.
Where’s the only place that isn’t tinned ham? Not tin ham.
What was Jimi Hendrix the sheep’s favourite guitar effect? The baa baa pedal.
What fruits are the work of the devil? Raise-sins.
Why is the creepiest soup best? Because it’s soup eerier.
What mythical creature do you get when Jonathan Davis goes solo? A uni Korn.
Why did the ruler turn its back on crime? Because it went straight.
Where did the fish car come from? Gill Ford.
Why did the leg evening end? Because it was thigh night.
Why was the woolly man nervous? Because he was sheepish.
What do you call a sheep that talks emptily and is mad? A hot air baa-loon.
What do you call a cured colour? A past-ill colour.
Why can you write the number 3 in any way you want? Because it’s 3 style.
Why was the small group so amazing? Because it was foursome!
Why did the driver feel like he was on fire? Because he was in steering pain.
What have shock absorbers and dodgy retirement benefits got in common? They’re both sus-pensions.
What animal talks in the most longwinded way? The drag on.
What musical effect says ‘run’ over and over? Re-verb.
How do bees dry their clothes? With bumble dryers.
What do you call a sleeping apple? A nap-ple.
Why do forgiving people never step on hay? Because doing so would be hay-tread.
What exercise do sad people do? Depress-ups.
What exercice do rude vegetables do? Burp peas.
Why can the UK see? Because it’s an eye land.
What bread did Cliff Burton eat when in the army? War Burtons.
What have gross sales and brand new motorbikes got in common? They’re both revver news.
What do you call a cuddle in the rain? A puddle.
How do people speaking nonsense walk? They twaddle.
Why did the superhero goat take the blame? Because it was a cape-goat.
What do you call someone with eight spots? An octo-pus.
What do you call someone who kisses people, whilst in charge? A necker chief.
Why is the heaviest letter used by miners? Because it’s a ton L.
Why did Metallica drown when they released ‘Load’? Because they went mainstream.
What have misspelled platypuses and annoying cats got in common? They’re both pratty-pusses.
What lands always have TV? The Channel Islands.
What happened when Rage Against the Machine played in a park? There was out Rage.
Why was the loser of the small race ill? Because he was sixth.
Why is it dangerous to copy an exhalation? Because it would be a sigh clone.
What did the clumsy oaf turn into when he fell to the bottom of the sea? A loaf.
Why was the dwarf cheated when he was dressed in a new outfit? Because he was short changed.
Why did the inventor have hoofed mammals on his eyes? Because he had eye deers.
What do snakes play guitars with? Hiss-tortion.
What age are people most likely to be ill? Sicksty-sicks.
Why didn’t the dog’s ear work? Because it was a flop.
What did Luke drink to help him? Lucas Aid.
Why did the shaking number 4 give up? Because it four-fitted.
Why is the Asian letter V so aggressive? Because V et arm.
Why was the janitor genie so feeble? Because he was wishy-washy.
Why do the letters E and L fear breakfasts? Because they’re sear ELs.
Why was the spoon rude? Because it was blunt.
What number et the youngster? Ate Teen.
Why do thorny bushes talk aimlessly? Because they bramble.
What flavour crisps do ready people eat? Salt and prepper.
Why was the herb with feet so amazing? Because it could thyme travel.
What’s beer’s favourite holiday? Yeaster.
What finger has the best time? The fun.
Why is it funny when you put Joe in an oak barrel? Because it’s a Joak.
What do you call a tiger that’s part of a mob? A fangster.
What part of a town gets the most people prosecuted? The suer.
Why does the colour shout the vowel? Because it’s yell O.
Why is it healthy when multicultural violence breaks out? Because it’s a balanced riot.
What’s the difference between a hippopotamus and a cool letter? One’s a hippo, the other’s a hip O.
Why are male sheeps messy? Because they’re heeps.
What’s a cannibal’s favourite drink? Chin and tonic.
What do athletes play with before a race? Leg go.
Why are leaving toasts so spooky? Because they’re ghosts.
Where do horses get fit? Gym-neigh-siums.
Why did the careless milkman run away? He lost his bottle.
Why do apples cry when they’re turned into desserts? Because they apple crumble.
Why are Arabic scales so chilling? Because they’re fridge-ian.
What have dramas and falling objects got in common? They’re moving.
What do bad pun writers use? Pun-cture repair kits.
What drink do you get if an egg bows its head? Egg nod.
Where do all gals come from? Galaxies.
What do bearded goats drink? Goat tea.
Why was the amazed man so bad? Because he was awe-full.
Why did the man in the pub, sit on a poo? Because it was a bar stool.
Why did the security guard check his television twice? For the see see TV.
Why couldn’t the man with a teddy bear on his abdomen walk? Because he was waist-ted.
Where do patient flowers shop? Wait Rose.
Why did the vengeful man put a pound coin on his enemy’s spine? Because it was pay back.
Why didn’t the goalie have hair? Because he was balled.
What instrument did Timothy turn into when he found a coin? A Tim Penny.
How did the long wait kill Barbie? She was Barbie queued.
Why do aliens on Mars hate their planet? Because they’re Mars-shuns.
What do you call an autistic king? Reign Man.
Why is Gary Moore’s cousin addictive? Because he’s Gary Moore-ish.
What’s the most important fruit? The prime apple.
What age did the man spew in his tea? Sicktea.
What have the tops of buildings and highest achieving dogs got in common? They’re both woof tops.
How do bumblebees communicate? Bee mail.
How do vegetables communicate? Pea mail.
What planet do people with cold feet come from? Blue toe.
Why didn’t the physiotherapist like the crippled man? He couldn’t stand him.
Why was the man ignored when he was on the left of the paper? Because he was marginalised.
What did Zakk Wylde take before the job interview? Pro Zakk.
What do you call a dodgy letter mover? Shift T.
What cars want you to be like Mega Watts? Be MWs.
Why was the ball from Hell so terrible? Because it was horror ball.
What actor got the most people fired? Andrew Sacks.
Why did the injured man eat another fruit? To re-pear himself.
How do chefs show different times of year? With seasonings.
What makes Russian transportation weird? The odd car.
Why was the commando so lively? Because he was SASy.
What colour attracts cats? Purr pull.
Why is scary being Mary in the dark? Because it’s night Mary.
Why does the orc feel rejected by eBay? Because it’s an orc shun.
What do you call the best intestines? Wintestines. :S
What do you call someone with a funny leg joint? Wit knee.
What drums do bomb disposal experts play? Bomb goes.
What politician always filmed? David Camera On.
When is Uday least active? Sat Uday.
Why do companies make sticks for pushing water birds? Because they’re prod-ducks.
What music hates butter the most? Boo ghee music.
What do computerist-opticians drink? Eye tea.
What do you call coupons for OAPS? Slouchers.
Why did the spaceship keep screwing up ? It used rocket fool.
Why couldn’t the tricenarian stop drinking? Because he was thirty.
What do you call a lazy dinosaur? Don’t-try-ceratops.
What band are attracted to the unmarried woman? Eye on the Maiden.
Why was Bach’s favourite restaurant noisy? Because it was feed Bach.
What do you call an idle orange? A sat-suma.
Why didn’t the baggage last long? Because it was a brief case.
What composer smelt of incense? Joss Stick-ovich.
Why are defective bees mischievous? Because they don’t beehive.
Why is the ant offended by atonal music? Because it’s dissing ants.
Why didn’t the thief say ‘it’? Because he bandit.
Why didn’t Prince Steven like his name? Because it made him a Prince S.
Why couldn’t the boy see his dad? Because he was father away.
Why was the kindhearted Valarie Unwin so affordable? Because she was good Val U.
What do you call a storm made of fingers? Thumbder.
Why are furnaces so special? Because they’re hot and coald at the same time.
What gang likes sums the most? The math-ia.
Why do theremins in pain smell? Because they’re thera-moans.
Where did the pig stroker come from? Felt Ham.
Why was the lost man in a nudist colony? Because he was in the middle of no wear.
Why couldn’t the sick man stop the funerary box taking over the world? Because he couldn’t stop coffin.
What’s the most hated cereal in the rainforest? Kill Logs.
What do you call a cow with a grudge? A beef burger.
What do you call a spouse playing rock guitar? A fuzzband.
Why did the man playing two fast notes like excitement? Because he was a trill seeker.
Why did the Buddhist like the kind car’s mother? Because it was good car ma.
What drink rejected the vowel? Cough E.
Where do the most excited cameras come from? Camera-woooon!
Why did the man with cough medicine get charged with littering? Because of his throw sweets.
Why did Dave Brubeck steal all the fingers? Because he took five.
What did Dominic eat when playing with bubblewrap? A popper Dom.
What did Dominic suffer from when he turned into cardboard? Board Dom.
Where do snow globes come from? Snow Dome-ia.
Where did Gary Moore die? Ex-Moore.
Why was everyone drenched when the amp exploded? Because of the loud burst.
Why was the elf from the underworld fit? Because he was Hellf-y.
Why was the man with a stick taken seriously? Because he had a point.
Why is the thousandth Terrance so warlike? Because he’s the milli-Terry.
What sport do you get if you give a package a microphone? Box sing.
Why is the relaxed robot so musical? Because it’s a mellow-tron.
Why did the man put his hand in liquid concrete when he needed to make a call? To make a handset.
What musical idea do you get if you compress Kaye? A Kaye dense.
What’s the best time to move the moon? When it’s moon light.
Why is the vomit of bass guitars so simple? Because it’s bass sick.
Why was the foggy window confused? Because it was mist-ified.
Why did the barber slash the dish? To make a bowl cut.
What’s the stupidest part of the house? The dimmer switch.
What instrument do old ladies play? Bag pipes.
Why was the neglected patient happy? Because he was care free.
What have insects in front of bride and grooms, and therapies got in common? They’re marriage guide ants.
Why do buccaneers gnaw on puddings? Because they’re pie rats.
What company do you get if a girl is turned into slime: Goo gal.
Why was the moving vowel also a feeling? Because it was E-motional.
Why did Jimi Hendrix have rotten teeth? Because he had a buildup of wah wah.
What have caravans and phone shops got it common? They’re mobile homes.
How does Olly Alexander celebrate? With beers and beers.
What do troubled goals suffer from? Post traumatic stress disorder.
What have rugs and animals that live in automobiles got in common? They’re car pets.
Why did the post man cut his victims up? Because he de-livered.
What do you call a lawyer songbird? Law Wren.
What country do the world’s entrances come from? Doorway.
What do you call Robert’s evil twin? Beelzebob.
Why did the child with a dodgy leg die? He had kid knee failure.
Where did the happy car come from? A merry car.
What race of people came from bags? The Sack Sons.
How do smelly pigeons pay for things? With coo pongs.
Why was the upset sister so alarming? She was a cry sis.
What was the man who ate objects called? Pica-Chew. (Does that work??)
What’s the difference between a cabinet and a young fox with nothing to do? One’s a cupboard, the other’s a cub, bored.
What do you call someone who loves vowels? E Fan.
Where does the saddest person come from? Woe King.
What’s the difference between a locomotive and jaw exercises? One a choo choo train, the other’s a chew chew train.
What does Dio turn into when you give him a laser? A ray Dio.
What’s the difference between a composition for full orchestra, and a fake simulation game? One’s a symphony and the other’s a sim phoney.
Who jumped on Dr. Dre? Peter on Dre.
What do you call the child of a crow? Jay Son.
Why was the fraudulent internet pest so overbearing? He was a con-troller.
What composer painted ditches filled with water? Moat Art.
What’s the bloodiest month for a food critic? Gore May.
Why is Sidrick the donkey so hazardous? Because it’s ass, Sid.
What insects do all soldiers fear? Combat ants.
What did the charming man drink? A smoothie.
What do partiers listen to? Absinthe pop.
What instrument do old ladies smoke? Bag pipes.
Why was the man slightly offended by the small storage device? Because it was a mini diss.
What injury did the man get when sliding on ice and insulting someone? A slipped diss.
What do troubled dogs get to help them? Fur-apy.
Why was the key made of sick so eerie? Because it was spewkey.
What food attacked the inlet? The bomb-bay duck.
What was it called when the band Opeth couldn’t be found? Nopeth.
What’s it called when spam gets deleted from existence? Spamnation.
What plant strangled the painting? Art-i-choke.
Why did the Catholic priest say ‘One Kilogram’? To say mass.
Why did the man sign a treaty when he turned into a rat? Because it was ratification.
Why was the eye judge angry? Because he was an eye-rate person.
Where do inquisitive people who talk to cards come from? Card, if… ?
What do you call an irritable person’s blood? Crabby juice.
Why did the musical priest use a heart as a football? Because he played the church organ.
Who hitch-hiked on a penis? Alfred Hitch-cock.
Why are stressed atoms dangerous? They have nuclear meltdowns.
Why are failed atoms dangerous? They atom bomb.
Why should you avoid dogs with skin diseases? Because they’re mangerous.
Why is it healthy to call for Lady Gaga? Because it’s yo-Gaga.
Why do you call a sexy frying pan? A sauce pan.
Why was the apartment made of melons good and bad? Because it was bitter suite.
Why didn’t the flautist get a toothache? Because he used a mouth peace.
Why did the building made of wool have so many DIY items? Because it was a wear house.
Where do people who hate flies come from? Boo the pest.
Why did Jimi Hendrix have good oral hygiene? Because he used a tooth pick. (Well, his tooth as a pick).
Why did the racer smash up his clock? Because it was a time attack.
Why did the tax eat the letter? Because V ate E.
What do you call Lee in a field of dry grass? Hay Lee.
Why do only very young people fall into cans of Fanta? Because they’re in-Fants.
What do you call OAP chaos? Nanarchy.
Why did the silly person keep injuring himself? Because he was fallish.
What people only used toilets in wildlife parks? Zoo loos.
What power metal band couldn’t straighten the nails? Hammer Fool.
What do you call a pasty singing about pain and alienation ? A Korn-ish pasty.
Why was the easy to thieve imp unlikely? Because it was imp-robbable.
Why do people in pubs make pieces of cardboard run? To make dart boards.
Why was the murder of the deaf-blind man so tragic? It was a senseless killing.
What do you call a teddy bear after drinking coffee? A ready bear.
Why was Leanne John’s gasp so warlike? Because it was a Lee John air.
What did Ian turn into when he was reasonable to Italian food? A pasta-fair Ian.
What’s a neglected shell’s favourite country? The say ‘shells’.
What’s the difference between a shop and a graffitiing fish? One’s a marketplace, the other’s a mark-it plaice.
Why did everyone cheer up when the bottles of vodka were raised? Because the spirits were lifted.
What’s the happiest weapon? The grin-ade.
Why was Ruth’s husband so aggressive when he was divorced? Because he was Ruth-less.
Why was the middle-aged man the definition of courage? Because he was forty-two-d.
What do you call a child genius drinking Coke? A fizz kid.
Why did the racer assault the herb? Because it was a thyme attack.
Why was the rubbish coffee on the man’s leg so loud? Because it was a cack coffee knee.
Why did the timpani have a great business idea? It had a pitch.
What do you get if you rip off Dominic? A con Dom.
What rapper named himself after a moon? Cool Io.
What band hit everyone? The Beat Alls.
What’s the difference between a characteristic and a long walk? One’s a feature, the other’s a feet chore.
Why was the kind man in pain? Because he had sensitive teeth.
Why was the remoulded letter so inspirational? Because it was a reformed character.
What does Lewis Hamilton’s ex girlfriend listen to? Racer Ex.
What month do people get punched the most? Knocktober.
What do you call Lewis when he’s nearly on the toilet? Loo-ish.
What’s the difference between a pig with a tusk and the man with the world’s bumpiest skin? One’s a warthog, the other’s a wart hog.
What do you call someone who kind of comes from France? France-ish.
What’s the difference between a crocodile and a man who builds gates in narrow passageways? One’s an alligator, the other’s an alley gate-r.
What’s Alfred the gambler’s favourite language concept? The Alfie bet.
What’s the difference between a supersonic passenger aircraft and a rubbish collection of notes? One’s a Concorde, the other’s a con chord.
What’s the difference between working out and the measuring of rarely used letters? One’s exercising, the other’s X sizing.
Why is Iceland’s mud sticky? Because it’s Iceland-ick.
What’s the difference between an antiperspirant and Dio yelling at people? One’s deodorant, the other’s Dio-the-ranter.
What’s the difference Black Sabbath’s singer and someone born in Australia? One’s Ozzy Osbourne, the other’s simply Oz born.
What’s the difference between a dissolving liquid and an ant mathematician? One’s a solvent, the other’s a solve ant.
Why did the evil lion go to jail? Paw crimes.
Why did the rubbish carpenter go to jail? Saw crimes.
How did the prince keep his hair fresh? With heir spray.
What’s the difference between someone who is emotionally detached, and a girlfriend who has been insulted whilst proposed to? One’s disengaged, the other’s diss-engaged.
When did tea go extinct? The tea break.
What do you call someone who worships pans? A pantheist.
Why did the cat go to jail? Rug dealing.
What’s the difference between the maximum amount, and loads of delivered purses? One’s 100 percent, the other’s one hundred purses sent.
What have witty comments and breakages in efficient places got in common? They’re both wise cracks.
What’s the difference between a Jewish religious leader and an itchy eye? One’s a rabbi, the other’s a rubbed eye.
What’s the difference between a lost football match and a building with sails on it? One’s one-nil, the other’s one mill.
What have air bases and chilled out people got in common? They’re both hangers.
Why were there so many huge gardens after the moon landings? Because it was the space age.
What’s the difference between a bushy hairstyle and a poor lob? One’s an afro, the other’s a naff throw.
What band believed there was only one sea? A sea, the sea.
What’s the difference between the UK’s shadow secretary and Edward’s thousandth group? One’s Ed Miliband, the other’s Ed’s mili-band.
What have healed wounds and silk got in common? They’re both scarf tissue. (Or something like that).
What do you call a Greek who throws things? Chris Toss.
Why did the fish’s sick stand out? It was out of plaice.
What’s the difference between a single man and Eleanor when she’s put in a group? One’s a bachelor, the other’s a batch Ella.
What’s the difference between a gym member and a payment in the underworld? One’s healthy, the other’s a Hell fee.
What’s the difference between Ken Livingston and a dog’s house? One’s Ken L and the other’s a kennel.
What county do dogs get their own lanes? Paw-way.
What do you call an impatient cowboy? A nowboy.
What do you call a violent cowboy? A powboy.
Why was the king’s tie so colourful? Because it was a reign bow.
Who does Richard find most patronising? Pat Rick.
Why was Eleanor, the painting fish a phoney? Because she was arty fish, El.
What’s the best time to ask someone if they’re being honest? D’you lie?
What city do butchers come from? Cow Cutter.
Why can you eat excited barbed wire? Because it’s woo barb.
Who kidnapped Ola Jordan? Nick Ola.
How do batteries go to war? They charge.
Why was the girlfriend in the lift so modern? She was an up date.
Why do bees bite other bees when on online meetings? Because they turn into Zoombees.
What’s the difference between a subatomic particle and a new robot? One’s a neutron, the other’s a new tron.
Why was the man methodical when he turned into a heart? Because he was organ-ised.
What vegetable was in a difficult situation? The pickled onion.
What’s the difference between a Californian city, and Samuel’s main hose? One’s San Jose, the other’s Sam Hose A.
Why was the bypass surgery patient sincerely grateful? Because he was heartfelt.
Where do broadcasters get their ammo? The BB sea.
What guitars do data analysing wizards play? Stat-o-casters.
What hairdo do pigeons have? Coo cuts.
What do you call a joy riding potato? A jack-it potato.
What was Jeffrey Dahmer when he was caught? A can’t-ibal.
What room is filled with bad art? The kitsch-in.
What kind of athlete do you get when Ian puts a brave face on a broken ankle? A power limp Ian.
When does Christopher weight himself? Chris Mass.
Why was Attila the Hun’s lookalike so sweet? Because he was Hun-y.
Where does Sam Tate live? An S Tate.
Why was the teacher who was extra willing to use physical punishment so windy? Because he was a hurry cane.
Why did the syringe stop the destruction of the alphabet? Because it was a need L.
What does your mother turn into when she says ‘la’? A la-ma.
Why did the chef get what he wanted? Because he made a dish.
What do scorpions turn into when it’s night? Snorepions.
Why did the child become a vigilante? To make a bounty castle.
Why did the examiner of natural resources smell? Because he passed gas.
Why did the small, round fruit approver go to Hell? He was a berry-tick.
What do you call a scorpion working in a shop? A storepion.
How did the slightly friendly man cook his dinner? With a micro wave.
What’s the difference between an infectious agent, and our angry boss? One’s a virus, the other’s a fire-us.
Who was best at throwing baguettes in holes? King Fill-it of France.
What items of clothing does Danna fear the most? Ban-Dannas.
What’s the difference between a Youtube fan, and someone who writes on sandwiches? One’s a subscriber, the other’s a sub-scriber.
What did the Milk Cap made of stone listen to? Pog rock.
Where do fruits go for fun? The pear.
Why shouldn’t you give extra money to flies? Because it’s fly tipping.
What plant ate the mouth? The chew lip.
What’s the difference between theft and meat sandwich making? One’s burglary, the other’s burgery.
What do you call someone who is as healthy as possible? Maxwell.
What do you call someone who can pat someone’s head fifty times a second? Pat trick.
Why did the drug addict quit? He couldn’t toke it any more.
Why did the man explode after drinking lots of caffeine? He drank tea and tea.
What’s the difference between a fish-woman and a drink made of mumbles? One’s a mermaid, the other’s murmur ade.
Where does Zinedine Zidane come from? Man Chester.
Why was the wall vandal hard to talk to? Because he was de-fence-ive.
What’s the difference between political promotion and a very hard look? One’s propaganda, the other’s a proper gander.
Why could Thor travel so fast? He had high Norse power.
What’s the difference between a horned plant eater and a carefree dinosaur? One’s a rhinoceros, the other’s a why-not-asaurus.
Where did the confident man drown? The sure.
Where do the letters, D and M stop to watch sports? Stay D-Ms.
Where’s the only place in the world you can find water that’s alive? Liver Pool.
How come people with William never get lost? Because where there’s a Will, there’s a way.
How did Egyptian slaves drag large stones? With their toes.
What’s the difference between a small ear protector and a frightened dwarf dog? One’s an earplug, the other’s a fear pug.
What’s the difference between a small, old star and a small person with lots of words tattooed on his head? One’s a red dwarf, the other’s a read dwarf.
What’s the difference between a silly person and a payment made of slime? One’s goofy, the other’s a goo fee.
Why did the heretic feel despair? He was pope-less.
What do you call someone who is definitely a vowel? Is-E.
What’s the difference between a regular guy and a man made of butter? One’s a geezer, the other’s a ghee sir.
What do you call a pea in the heat? Pete.
What’s the difference between a mobile communication device and a froth salesman? One’s cell phone, the other’s a sell-foam.
What’s the difference between a medical practitioner and someone who used to rip up documents? One’s a doctor, the other was a doc-tore.
What do you call someone who asks letters questions? When, D?
When do people insult hot coals? Diss-ember.
What’s the difference between complete quiet and a dissatisfied weapon? One’s silence, the other’s a sigh lance.
Why did the inquisitive man stop all diseases? He was very cure-ious.
What’s the difference between a ghost house and a teddybear rhino? One’s haunted, the other’s a horn-ted.
What’s the difference between a madman and Van Gogh? One’s delirious, the other’s de-ear-ious.
What’s the difference between offensive material and a fast food worker in a building? One’s insulting, the other’s in, salting.
What do you call someone who’s not a fan? Nay-fan.
What name do murderers call their victims? Mykill.
What do you call someone who lives in a mental home? Head-ward.
What do call someone who disobeys a doctor? No-ahhhhh.
What do you call someone who has our dog’s hair? Our-fur.
What do you call someone from a family of vowels? U-gene.
What do you call someone who’s in debt with a letter? Owe N.
What do you call someone who is also a runway? Landon.
What do you call someone who places letters on the ground? R low.
What do you call a vowel that fibs? E lie.
What do you call someone who insults toilets? Loo cuss.
What do you call the young of a letter? J cub.
What do you call someone who hugs letters? Hold N.
What do you call the child of a month? May son.
What do you call someone only says one letter? Say D.
What do you call someone who hits magicians? Beat tricks.
What do you call someone who hates the sea at night? Day sea.
What do you call someone who takes letters on boat trips? Row N.
What do you call someone with a pistol on his shoes? Low gun.
What’s the difference between a practice session and the repairing of a coffin transporter? One’s a rehearsal, the other’s re-hearse-al.
What’s the difference between a clan and a ball that never gives up? One’s tribal, the other’s a try ball.
What’s the difference between a trooper and a container of ghosts? One’s a soldier, the other’s a soul jar.
What do you call someone who steals from trash bags? Rob bin.
TEACHER: ‘Student, what’s the difference between a meal made of flat dough and toppings, and Peter?’ STUDENT: ‘One’s pizza, the other’s Pete, Sir.’
Why was Faye the large deer so well known? She was Faye-moose.
What item of clothing do you get if you bite Nicholas? A chew Nick.
What do you call an album that rips off the number 7? A con-sept album.
Who’s the devil’s favourite guitarist? Satana.
What’s the difference between a shock absorber and a retirement fund that comes from drug dealing? One’s a suspension, the other’s a sus pension.
What’s the difference between a giant and a tanning salon built for neckwear? One’s a titan, the other’s a tie tan.
What’s the difference between and a large, handheld gun, and a magazine on morphine? One’s a magnum, the other’s a mag, numb.
What’s the difference between fish and a moving letter? One’s sea life, the other’s C life.
What’s the difference between the unknown mind, and a living sandwich? One’s the subconscious, the other’s a sub, conscious.
What’s the difference between a mystery and a famous holy lady? One’s the unknown, the other’s a nun, known.
What band went to jail for theft? Take That.
What have official statements that prove high quality, and seals that give thumbs up got in common? They’re both seals of approval.
What’s the difference between a tissue, and an old flame in a bath? One’s Kleenex, the other’s a clean ex.
What’s the difference between a morning alcoholic drink, and a puppy? One’s the hair of the dog, the other’s the heir of the dog.
What have comedians and choking men got in common? They gag.
What have foundation makers, and haemorrhoid motorists got in common? They’re both pile drivers.
What’s the difference between Christmas and a wand in a fridge? One’s magical the other’s magic, cool.
What happened to Limp Bizkit’s singer when he ate too much food? He Fred burst.
What’s the difference between a truthful man and someone who stands on a letter that looks like the number 5? One’s honest, the other’s on S.
Why was the closing of the carnival wrongful? Because it was un-fair.
What do you call meat from an asshole cow? Beef jerky.
What do you get when a cow rests on a fence? Lean beef.
What’s the difference between a shock and a medal for a man? One’s a surprise, the other’s a Sir prize.
What have Americans and people who tug vowels got in common? They’re both yank Es.
What’s the difference between a recovered alcoholic and a stereotypical bear? One’s sober, the other’s SO bear.
What’s the difference between a runner up and a man in charge of toilets? One’s a loser, the other’s a loo Sir.
What’s the difference between a suspicious person and the most frustrated man on Earth? One’s paranoid, the other’s power annoyed.
What’s the difference between a spikey bit of plastic used to clean teeth, and someone who thieves false dentures? One’s a toothpick, the other’s a tooth prick.
What’s the difference between God and a spirit that’s been machine gunned? One’s the Holy Ghost, the other’s the holey ghost.
What do you call a small tree made from part of a spy? A Bond’s eye tree.
Why did the person freeze just once? It as an ice-olated incident.
What’s the difference between a long-eared, plant eating mammal and a compulsive stroker? One’s a rabbit, the other’s a rub it.
Why won’t Christmas crackers be allowed this year? Because everyone wants normality.
Why doesn’t anyone want to drop Christmas stockings this year? Because it would be sock down.
Why did the family have to stay indoors on Christmas? Because of the three wise pings.
What do dead people say on the 25th of December? Merry stiffness!
What do you get if Christmas is cancelled? Nay bells.
What film is most popular on a cancelled Christmas? Gnome Alone.
Why did Mick’s clones rework songs? Because they were re-Mickses.
What do you call a liquid settee? A paradox. (‘Set’ means ‘hard’, doesn’t it? So it is a paradox).
Why did King Crimson get sent to jail for inciting riots? Because they wrote pro-aggressive music.
How did the famished matchstick show its frustration? It went on hunger strike.
What’s the difference between a car servicing and a murderer’s way of killing people with tea? One’s an M.O.T., the other’s an M.O. tea.
What’s a goal keeper’s favourite music? Post, metal.
What’s a pole shaker’s favourite music? Post rock.
What’s the difference between a long sock and Argos? One’s a stocking, the other’s a stock king.
What do you call a dangerous journey about maths? An add-venture.
Who gave the microphone to Alan? Mike Al.
What religion did Ian follow when he was reasonable to Italian food? Pasta-fair Ian-ism.
What do you call the child of two letters? MR son.
Why couldn’t Jose smoke in the drought? Because of the Jose pipe ban.
What spice do people who lick watchmen eat? Guardlick.
What have schooled people and babies just named ‘Edward’ got in common? They’re both Ed-ucated.
What do you call a bad tempered lobster? Stampi.
What singer bought flowers for his car? Axle Rose.
What do Guns’n’Roses eat for dinner? Slashed potato.
What have essays and fridges for paintings got in common? They’re both arty-cools.
Why did the knot on the man’s waist put people in a trance? It was hip-knot-ic.
What music event happened as the world was destroyed? The world tore.
Where do Goths get their meat? Gothham.
What’s the difference between a student and a laxative? One’s a pupil, the other’s a poo pill.
Why was everyone made wet by the quick to react military? Because it was a soon army.
What’s a proofreader’s favourite meat? Checkin’.
Where did the devil worshipping Elmo go when he died? Hellmo.
Why did the tabloid reader laugh? He was a’newsed.
What bird is thieving right now? The robbin’.
Why was the spy so outstandingly kind? Because he was a double-A gent.
Why did the herb salesman fail? He was out of thyme.
A man with a bad back went to see a specialist to help him with his pain. However, he was immediately set on fire. He shouted ‘What the hell are you doing? I just want you to fix my back!’ The specialist said ‘Why?’ The poor man shouted ‘You’re not a chiropractor?!’ The other man laughed ‘Chiropractor? This is the PYRO-practor! I only set people on fire!’
Why did the bodybuilder join a queue that got longer and longer? For the wait-gain.
Why is it vengeful do rewrite tallies? Because it’s re-tally-ation.
What’s the most enthusiastic fruit? The cheery.
What striped horse was best at maths - Alan or Ben? Al Zebra.
Why can only the centres of planes land in Birmingham? Because it’s the midlands.
Why was the supersonic jet honest? It was thrust-worthy.
Why was the imp with a beak so amazing? It was imp-peckable.
What food ripped off Arnold? Chilli con Arnie.
What’s the difference between a festival and Arnold after a meal? One’s a carnival, the other’s an Arnie full.
What supercars do cat battalions drive? Furarmies.
Why did the dog groomer get into trouble? He had a brush with the paw.
Why did Ozzy Osbourne quit music immediately after hiring Zakk Wylde? He got the Zakk.
What’s the difference between something amazing and a semi-aquatic mammal that’s convincing? One’s incredible, the other’s a mink, credible.
Why did everything go wrong when the man did a calculation? It was reckoning day.
What’s the difference between a mobster and an excellent stir? One’s a gangster, the other’s a nang stir.
What source always fibs? The sup-lie.
What do bankers drive? Economy cars.
What do sheep say when visiting the doctor? Baaaaa.
Why did the bearded man knight Raymond? To make a Ray Sir.
Why did the teacher admit to his crimes with such skill? He was a pro-fesser.
What city does bacon come from? Burning Ham.
Why was the parasitic arachnid on the moon crazy? It was a lunar tick.
Where do modest men shop? The humble sale.
What supervillain kept doing drugs? The Toker.
What coupons do hunchbacked people get? Slouchers.
What coupons do kangaroos get? Pouchers.
Why was it conceited before the tent was erected? It was pre-tent-ious.
What people do insects go to in time of need? Serve ants.
What do you call someone with two toilets? Loo Loo.
What have films and letter shifters got in common? They’re move Es.
What have wine tasters and paintings of people’s faces got in common? They’re both port rates.
What music do you get if you jump on someone’s pelvis? Hip hop.
Why could Rowan Atkinson never eat seeds, no matter how hard he tried? Because he missed the bean.
What do you call someone who pees on the beach? Loo sea.
Why did the footballer melt? He was made of head butter.
Who took Annabel by boat? Row Anne.
What food stabbed the lamb? The lamb shank.
Who’s most likely to be a fraud? Conner.
What do you call someone who keeps receiving money? SO fee.
Where do criminal glass objects that refract light go to? Pris’n.
Why are so many comedians underweight? Because they’re lighthearted.
What do dishonest newts call their journeys to work? The con newt.
What letters make good cars? These Ls.
What does James Hetfield say when at the doctor’s? Metallic-aaaaah.
Why did Ted Nugent’s record fall down a well? It was a so low album.
Why did the artist spin around in a candy floss machine? To win the Turner Prize.
Who shot Frank? Frank Zapper.
How does Frank Marino like chicken? Marinated.
Why was the man pretending to be Francis honest? Because he was being Frank.
What do you call someone who kind of acts French? France-ish.
Why was the imp immobilised when fruit was thrown at him? He was imp-peared.
Why did Maximilian’s delivery driver work so hard? He took it to the Max.
Why did the man get weaker when he cheered up? He de-tear-iorated.
What have soda fridges and tangible objects got in common? They’re fizzy-cool.
What music did Yngwie Malmsteen play when he went on a diet? Shed metal.
Why did the man float away from the funeral? He couldn’t except the gravity of the situation.
What do you call someone who is always unimpressed? Sighman.
Why did Frank Marino soak his food in seasoned liquid when cooking? Because he marinated.
What was Craig Charles called when he didn’t really know what to say? Vague Charles.
What’s the difference between guidance and an advert gripper? One’s advice, the other’s an ad vice.
What part of the computer loves tiny weights the most? The pro-gram.
What do you call a Hebrew who speaks to pigs? Yo Ham!
Where did Annabel go when working for a flour making factory? Mill Anne.
What hairs keep receiving alcohol? Beerds.
What do you call someone with hardly any thick, black liquid? Less Tar.
Why was the ant so excited when giving birth? It was anticipation.
What’s it called when someone fights his desire to hug a teddy bear? An inner snuggle.
What’s a working car’s favourite meal? The starter.
Why was the man content when sitting on a chair? He was satisfied.
What’s the difference between a cartoon and a gran’s empire? One’s animation, the other’s nanny nation.
What do you call a letter that laughs? Har Har V.
Why did the bridge on the left get eaten late? It was a left over.
What game do people with mint feet play? Tic tac toe.
What amplifier do you get when Alan falls into a bog? A marsh Al.
Why was the letter’s smell kind? It was D scent.
What does the robot doctor listen to? Electronic-aaahhh.
What do you call someone with incredible eyesight? See More.
What musical idea blinded someone? The harming-eyes-ation.
What’s it called when cow skins fall from the sky? Rainy leather.
Why does Cassy turn into a gambling company when she can’t see? Because Cass see no.
What’s the only part of the body made of wood? The palm tree.
What do body builders wear when it’s cold? Pumpers.
Why was the meal in Darth Vader warlike? It was an in-Vader.
What have things holding as much moisture as possible and sitting people got in common? They’re both saturated.
What’s the difference between a wooden percussion instrument and a grain storage communication device? One’s a xylophone, the other’s a silo phone.
Why was the elephant worker so poor? It was earning peanuts.
What have the acts of illegally downloading films and baking pastry dishes got in common? They’re both pie-racy.
Why are Mitchell and Web so dodgy? They’re sketchy.
What have ripping people off and focusing your mind got in common? It’s concentration.
What have hand waves and imagined voices got in common? They’re hello-cinations.
What do you call someone who also doodled? And drew.
What have bean plant stem growers and people who keep following seeds got in common? They bean stalkers.
Where do the hardest to work with navigators come from? Ignore Way.
What do you call someone who shunts a man with a letter S on the side of his head? Ram Ear S.
What’s the difference between a cow and a long feline? One’s cattle the other’s a cat, tall.
What have fast heart beats and friendships got in common? They’re pal-pitations.
Why couldn’t the bad musician hear muscles at rest? Because he was tone deaf.
Why was Philip’s payment dirty? It was Phil fee.
What do you call someone asking for shelter? Roof us.
Why did the sprinting stair climber lose? He was a runner up.
Why did the lost man look for insects with arrows on them? He was looking for guide ants.
Why was the seventh approving mark rotten? It was sept tick.
Why did the lethargic man forget his groceries? He was listless.
Why does Harry Styles’ lookalike love fashion? Because he’s Style-ish.
Why couldn’t the octogenarian sleep? He ate tea.
What’s the dullest light’s favourite meal? Dimmer.
What do surprised emus listen to? Eme-oh!
What’s the difference between a car’s signal and an alligator that listens to independently released music? One an indicator, the other’s an indie-gator.
What bar worker do you get when you mix up Barry with a spoon? A Barry-stir.
What’s the difference between a large number and the fear of two warriors? One’s two hundred, the other’s two Hun dread.
What TV program was the pigeon killed for? The game show.
Why was the dehydrated friend a killer? He was blud, thirsty.
Why do tramps need snoozing OAPs in the Winter? Because they’re sleeping bags.
Why are drums cylinder shaped? So you can do drum rolls.
Why was the man who ate the number eight so bitter? He was eightfull.
Why was Moe so emotional when fitted with a pacemaker? He went E-Moe.
What’s the difference between sanity and a crazy supernatural being with pointy ears? One’s mental health, the other’s a mental elf.
What’s the difference between betrayal and a baby tree? One’s treason, the other’s a tree son.
Why are lice aliens? Because they’re cling ons.
What do you call bullying by breath fresheners? Mintimidation.
Why was the Loch Ness monster useful to the police when it was being funny? It was a wit Ness.
When’s it ok to expose yourself on TV? The news flash.
What kind of payments do you get when Ben slides into place, nicely? Benny fits.
What food do you get when you head butt Elanour? Nut Ella.
What have champions and people who thrive off a lack of sleep got in common? They’re better than the rest.
Why did Sir Walter Raleigh’s chauffeur go off road? He was a Raleigh driver.
What have wizard’s girlfriends and sweeteners got in common? They’re both castor sugars.
How was the naughty breath punished? It was expelled.
What’s the different between the arts and doing the washing up of someone pretending to be Jesus? One’s culture, the other’s a cult chore.
What’s the difference between a cannon and a bird scientist? One’s a howitzer, the other asks how it soars.
What’s the difference between Steve and transport for horses? One’s Stephen, the other’s a steed van.
What’s the difference between self-government and the economy of orcs? One autonomy, the other’s orconamy.
What’s the difference between sympathy and a man who ripped off a nuclear research facility? One’s concern, the other conned CERN.
What’s the difference between a savoury food spread and your mother’s strength? One’s Marmite, the other’s ma might.
What’s the difference between an amazing work of art and a boss at rest? One’s a masterpiece, the other’s a master’s peace.
Where do the people who use cameras the most come from? Camelot.
What’s the difference between a sandy landscape and vanilla ice cream? One’s a desert plain, the other’s a dessert, plain.
What have infants and bees that live in inlets got in common? They’re bay bees.
What have notable events and farmers called ‘Marcus’ got in common? They’re landmarks.
What have horrible people and crash test dummies that can travel to the past got in common? They’re de-testable.
What’s the difference between uncertainty and oil from a short holiday? One’s turmoil, the other’s half term oil.
What do you call a possessed letter? Cursed N.
What’s the difference between a whirlwind and the best ever pizza base that’s been pulled apart? One’s a tornado, the other’s torn A dough.
What have the acts of overthrowing governments and motorbike accelerators got in common? They’re rev-olutions.
How did the medieval pun writer die? A plague on words.
What’s the difference between murder and a country of cheeky people? One’s assassination, the other’s sassy nation.
What band couldn’t stop sleeping? Rest Life.
What have saying ‘no’ and the re-fitting of electrical safety devices got in common? They’re both re-fuse-als.
What’s the difference between a commander and a hat with a thing on it? One’s a captain, the other’s a cap ting.
Why did the man look foolish when he turned himself into a pair of glasses? He made a spectacle of himself.
What’s the difference between money left in someone’s will and a medical waste mishap? One’s a legacy, the other’s a leg in sea.
What’s the difference between a child and someone stuck in an American coin? One’s innocent the other’s in a cent.
Why did the duvet repairer leave hospital? He made a full re-covery.
How did Steve Jobs rest? With a Napple.
What’s the only band related to vowels? O A sis.
Why didn’t the country without an army make any sense? It was base-less.
What’s the difference between a good deal and a smile in a pub? One’s a bargain, the other’s a bar grin.
What was Westlife’s demo album called? Test Life.
What’s the difference between climate change and bad news for a king? One’s global warming, the other’s a noble warning.
What’s the difference between a lightening storm and something that’s obviously fun? One’s thunder, the other’s fun, der.
Why did Peter fade away after leaving the building? He Petered out.
What band blend sweeteners together? Mesh Sugar.
Why did the classical composer wrap a rope around someone’s throat? For the voice leading.
Why did John Petrucci’s audience freeze? They were Petrified.
What country talks to tall machines, built for moving heavy objects? ‘You, crane!’
What’s the difference between a rehearsal and someone going mad with pepper? One’s preparation, the other’s pepperation.
What’s the difference between 50s Brazilian music and a pushy bright star? One’s bossa nova, the other’s a bossy nova.
What’s the difference between a man with a magic lamp and a boy indoors? One’s Aladin, the other’s a lad, in.
What’s the difference between Frederick and a man in a coffin? One’s Fred, the other’s dead.
What’s the difference between 12pm and used cutlery? One’s the afternoon, the other’s an after spoon.
What’s the difference between a routine doctor’s appointment, and a written amount of money in the sky? One’s a checkup, the other’s a cheque, up.
What’s the difference between an American postal code and a spot’s ethics? One’s a zip code, the other’s a zit code.
What’s the difference between an important topic and footwear on a goldfish? One’s an issue, the other’s a fish shoe.
What’s the difference between a child with no parents and a rubbish air blower? One’s an orphan, the other’s a poor fan.
What’s the difference between a physicist and a fed up snake? One’s a scientist, the other’s a sigh and hiss.
What’s the difference between a stick used to clean teeth and an annoying dentist? One’s a toothpick, the other’s a tooth prick.
What do you call someone who cools beams of light? Ray Chill.
How did the Concorde kill the hedgehog? With a Sonic boom.
What’s the difference between a low pitched drum and Timothy’s change? One’s a timpani the other’s a Tim penny.
Why did the man who fed on hair put on so much weight? He was a fringe eater.
What was Beethoven called when he missed the train? Late Hoven.
Why do liquid teachers help stop thieves? Because they water mark.
Why did the chicken turn into a spicy meal when it rushed? Because it was chicken hurry.
What did Erik Satie turn into when in a bad mood? Erik Sarcy.
How do cloud footballers screw up? They mist the ball.
What’s the difference between Abba and your friend in The O2? One’s a palindrome, the other’s a pal in dome.
What chocolates do vowels fear the most? Crunch Es.
Why was the arrested weed smoker hard to understand? Because he was dis-jointed.
What’s the difference between Alf and Fred’s evil twin? One’s Alfred, the other’s mal-Fred.
What’s the difference between a crazy person and Alan picking up a weapon? One’s alarming, the other’s Al, arming.
What do you call a wealthy badass? Rich hard.
What’s the difference between a skirmish and bat with long legs? One’s a battle, the other’s a bat, tall.
Where do felonious ears come from? Crime Ear.
What’s the difference between a health centre and an old computer program spitting on Alan? One’s a hospital, the other’s DOS spit Al.
What’s the difference between a store selling donated items and an optician’s? One’s a charity shop, the other’s a clarity shop.
What’s the difference between a stencil and a short-term worker in a traffic jam? One’s a template, the other’s a temp, late.
What’s the difference between a Hungarian composer and a Frenchman’s menu? One’s Franz Liszt, the other’s a France list.
What’s the difference between an error and a female cow? One’s a mistake, the other’s a miss steak.
What’s the difference between schizophrenia and the sibling of a grain storer? One’s psychosis, the other’s a silo sis.
What’s the difference between manipulation and someone falling over a fish? One’s a guilt trip, the other’s a gill trip.
What’s the difference between a hearing aid, and a rodent that keeps writing the letter ’N’? One’s an enhancer, the other’s an N hamster.
What part of a car fails the most? The exhaust pipe.
What have energy restorers and people who run at batteries got in common? They’re both battery chargers.
What singer kept closing bottles? Seal.
What do you call a cross between a brew and a noose? Bruce.
What’s the difference between food and Edward’s sphere? One’s edible, the other’s Eddy’s ball.
What’s the difference between a crazy person and roof full of ears? One’s erratic, the other’s an ear attic.
What’s the difference between a sick man and Lee after he’s robbed? One’s poorly the other’s poor Lee.
What have pop songs and the man with the biggest hands got in common? They’re catchy.
What’s the difference between a warning and someone who tells centres to go away? One’s a caution, the other’s a core shun.
What time was the clock released into the forest? Free a clock.
What’s a priest’s favourite thrash metal band? Prayer.
What’s a builder’s favourite thrash metal band? Layer.
What’s a holy lady’s favourite pet? The nunny rabbit.
What’s the difference between The Lord of the Rings, and a plectrum? One’s epic, the other’s a pick.
What comedian gave money to Lynda? Michael Pay Lyn.
What have teachers and mountains in very foggy weather got in common? They ex-plane.
What’s the difference between a caution and a shoe for a bumblebee? One means ‘beware’ the other is bee wear.
What band sprinted with Sid on a leash? Ran Sid.
What employee do you get when you cross a bike with a man? A spokes person.
What do call someone with loads of clothespins? Peggy.
What’s the difference between a key with three flats, and a child in salt water? One’s C minor, the other’s a sea minor.
What’s the difference between a prehistoric monument in Wiltshire, and a door’s joint on drugs? One’s Stonehenge, the other’s a stoned hinge.
What actor also wrote wills? Will Smith.
Why could the Brit fly? Because he came from Wingland.
What’s the difference between something full of life and a mood going crazy? One’s vibrant, the other’s a vibe rant.
What’s the difference between an old man and Lee the metal joiner? One’s elderly, the other’s welder Lee.
Why was the robbed duck keeper so apathetic? He couldn’t give a duck.
What’s the difference between an ant and brushing your teeth? One’s miniature, the other’s a mini chore.
Why did the child who took sugar for the ant’s teddy bear devalue the food? He took it for Ant ted.
Why was the recovered man in hospital so condescending? He kept saying he was better than everyone.
What’s the only composition style that rots the teeth? The sweet.
What have jellies and envious people got in common? They’re jellous.
Why was the book made of hands so good? It was gripping.
What do you call the thief of a woman? Nick a lass.
What do you call Alan’s ex girlfriend? Al-ex.
Why do buns fear November the 5th? Because it’s bun fire night.
What country do unimpressed cats come from? Sighpuss.
Why did the hateful man take your military intelligence away? Because he de-spied you.
What guitar company banned the letter? I ban Z.
What teacher managed Motorhead? The Head master.
Why was the thing with no mass unimportant? It didn’t matter.
What have bomb blasts and frantic signals to stop people have in common? They’re shock waves.
What city asks shoppers questions? D’you buy?
What’s the difference between the home of Buckingham Palace and a screwed up winner? One Westminster, the other’s a messed winster.
What’s the difference between punishment and is? One’s justice, the other’s just iss. (Joke from Constable Smith)
Why was the the man who dropped a dinosaur skeleton used for energy? Because he was a fossil fool.
Why doesn’t Bill Oddie Speak? He uses Oddie language.
What punk band do goths listen to when Winter is over? The Goth Spring.
Who burnt Lee? Char Lee.
Why didn’t the group members allow arms? Because of their arm bans.
What fruit destroyed the Japanese cartoon? The Manga-go.
What’s the difference between shooting stars and frauds? One’s a comet, the other’s a con-it.
What’s a clearly angry person’s favourite Iron Maiden song? Sign of the Cross.
What do Indians say when they win money? Wooopie!
Why was the guitarist so prolific? He had more ideas than he could shake a pick at.
What’s the difference between a floor covering and a fish’s pet? One’s carpet, the other’s a carp pet.
What were the old lady comedians called when they won the lottery? Funny bags.
What condition do stood up women suffer from? Upset honeys.
What have demonstrations and upper level job interviews got in common? They’re both pro tests.
What do you call a wacky horse, pumped with air? A hoof ball.
How do comedians travel? By hover daft.
Why can’t you give the hard of hearing fines in England? Because it’s the deaf penalty.
What’s the difference between land for fruit trees and a tough goblin? One’s an orchard, the other’s an orc, hard.
Why did the innovative company have so many desserts on heads? Because they had pie on ears.
What composer showed off his cooking equipment? Show Pan.
What instrument does Paul Di’Anno play when on the toilet? The pee Anno.
What have algebra and poor fitters of fuses got in common? They’re con fusing.
Why did the professional athlete control his situation? Because he was pro-active.
Why is Jon always so easy to impress? Because he’s Jon, a fan.
What the difference between one note of three, and a bad janitor? One’s a triplet, the other lets trip.
Why are glass object workers never free? Because they’re prismers.
What country is made up of people who all feel the same? The United States.
Why was the man dizzy when touching Gideon? He was feeling Giddy.
What’s the difference between a robot and a chilled our car repairer? One’s mechanical, the other’s a cool mechanic.
When does Molly relax? Her Molly day.
How do holy ladies go to war? With nun fire.
What’s the difference between a con artist and something that’s warmed up? One a fraud, the other’s thawed.
Where does the person who counts houses come from? The home county.
What organisation doesn’t have any feet? Nay toe.
What’s the difference between a good deal and a smile in a pub? One’s a bargain, the other’s a bar grin.
What’s the difference between a felon on the loose, and a teddybear magician? One’s wanted, the other’s a wand ted.
Why did the man who demanded too much of his blood have a heart attack? He had high blood pressure.
What’s the difference between the countryside and Nicholas wearing a lightbulb? One’s scenic, the other’s seen Nick.
Why was the cheese grater transporter respectful? It was grate-full.
What do you call someone who’s obviously a man? A man, der.
What’s it called when you don’t care how long you rest? Napathy.
What’s the difference between a social media site and One Screwy Week? One’s Facebook, the other’s a farce book.
What have people with new understandings and wishes that come true have in common? They realised.
How do Japanese swordsmen get vaccinated? With ninjections.
How do pigs rip people off? They ba-con.
What’s the difference between a long tube on a gun and a bored medieval warrior? One’s a silencer, the other’s a sigh lancer.
What does the centre of the Earth listen to? Metal core.
Why did the leaking water quit college? It was a drop out.
Why was the jumbo jet annoying? It was an aero pain.
Why did the child who screwed up his rubbish drawing of a flag blame someone else? It was a false flag attack.
What’s the difference between the devil and Lucy’s animal skins? One’s Lucifer, the other’s Lucy fur.
What Norse God had only low powered lightbulbs? O-dim.
What’s the difference between a vegetarian meal and Sally doing maths? One’s a salad, the other’s a Sal add.
What’s the difference between a crazy person and a golfer? One’s a whack job, the other has a whack job.
What’s the difference between and a German composer born in 1770 and someone who can’t stand cattle? One’s Beethoven, the other hates bovines.
What composer said hello to a lair? Hey, den.
Why was Lee eaten by the word ‘luckily’? Because fortune ate Lee.
What leaders take the most risks? Chancellors.
How do nurses who do rhymes die? They burst.
What do apples shout to pop singers? ‘Don’t sing the core-us!’
Why is Peggy the outlaw also a mythical creature? Because Peg is sus.
Why was the man abusive to the teacher when he gave her a gift? He miss-treated her.
Why did the good but not outstanding eagle turn into a dog? It was a B-gle.
What animals make broths from other planets? Mars-soup-ials.
What’s the difference between a father and an insect that eats fruit? One’s a parent, the other’s a pear ant.
What’s the difference between a subatomic particle and someone who votes for Ronald? One’s an electron, the other elects Ron.
What’s the difference between techno and someone who votes for Monica? One’s electronica, the other elects Monica.
What’s the difference between a mentor and a malfunctioning eye protector? One’s an advisor, the other’s a mad visor.
What’s the difference between someone who has his own house, and someone who demolishes buildings? One’s a homeowner, the other’s a home powner.
What have sad things and hardening concrete bridges got in common? They’re both up setting.
Why did the letter D sound deranged when it said ‘Fred’ by accident? Because D meant ‘Ted’.
Why do record players smell of urine? Because of the L pee.
Why did the duck’s home get destroyed? It was a quack house.
Why did no one listen to the bee destroyer who was in a room with an open door? Because he was un-bee leavable.
What’s the difference between and a small, numbered oblong and tasty bread? One’s a domino, the other’s nommy dough.
Why could the audacious man feel? Because he had a nerve.
Why is it deadly when you talk about someone’s nerves? Because it’s nerve gas.
Why was the seller of psychology magazines crazy? He had mental issues.
What’s the difference between something that’s cheap, and a rubbish CD? One’s affordable, the other’s naff, audible.
What’s the difference between a doctor who puts his patients to sleep, and a counsellor without a pelvis? One’s a hypnotherapist, the other’s a no hip therapist.
What’s the difference between a prisoner hoping to be released, and a fruit skinner? One appeals, the other a’peels.
What country does an excited Manda come from? Woo Manda!
What’s the difference between Barry and a sheep from Yorkshire? One’s Barry, the other’s a baaa eee!
What have school pupils and buildings in the shape of universities got in common? They’re in uni form.
What’s the difference between an antisocial person and someone studying sociology? One’s a sociopath, the other’s on the socio-path.
Why did Bach win the argument? He had a counter-point.
Why was the instrument of the lead guitarist so fat? Because of all its guitar fills.
What guitarist was famous for holding money? Allan Holds Worth.
Where do semicircles come from? The C side.
What’s the difference between Friends and a rubbish chair? One’s a sitcom, the other’s a sit con.
What’s the difference between an Australian marsupial and an excited fan of Japanese cartoons? One’s a kangaroo, the other says ‘mangaroo!’
What’s the difference between giving up something and a bag of Asian seeds? One’s a sacrifice, the other’s a sack of rice.
Who’s the happiest military man? The major.
What country is most breezy? Windier.
How was the coal digger abusive? He under mined.
What’s the difference between something that’s boring and a wheel doing maths? One’s tiresome, the other’s a tire sum.
What did Chris De burgh sing when he was widowed? Lady is dead.
What do you call the craziest fish? Madder ling.
What’s the difference between a spice from orchids and the sickest small truck? One’s vanilla, the other’s a van, iller.
How do bees get their news? Through the beedia.
Why was the 80% cocoa chocolate depressed? Because it was dark chocolate.
What do you call someone who is confident of his own name? Lee am!
What boxer kidnapped his child? Mike tie son.
What city can old pigs never visit? New Pork.
Where do ramblers come from? Roam.
What footballer had the most excited legs? Wayne woo knee!
Why did the prisoner write the letter S on a cloak? To S cape.
What’s the difference between a climber and the side of a face on Mount Everest? One’s a mountaineer, the other’s a mountain ear.
What’s the difference between a psychic vision and a teacher’s air conditioning? One’s a prophecy, the other’s a prof’s AC.
What’s the difference between someone who can tell the future and a halfhearted karate move? One’s a psychic, the other’s a sigh kick.
Where do gangster peas come from? The pod father.
What’s the difference between obsessive compulsive disorder and an amazing album? One’s OCD, the other’s oh, CD!
What’s the difference between a car’s autopilot and a Mission Impossible actor’s medication? One’s cruise control the other’s Tom Cruise control.
What city do all goods come from? Stock home.
How did the repeated suspended chords save the dying man? They re-sus-citated him.
What’s the difference between a remote controlled car, and an observant pirate? One’s RC, the other says ‘Aaaarrrr, sea!’
What letter ripped off Emmy for the sake of the world’s financial resources? E con Emmy.
What’s the difference between England’s continent and your operation? One’s Europe, the other’s your op.
What do you call a lazy grave digger? Dug less.
How did the crash test dummy give evidence? It testified.
What’s the difference between a germ and the saddest spine? One’s bacteria, the other’s back, tearier.
What’s the difference between browned skin and Stanly in Spain? One’s a suntan, the other’s a sun Stan.
What’s the difference between a light machine gun and an American who loves the last letter of the alphabet? One’s an uzi, the other says ‘Ooh, zee!’
What’s the difference between a small number and a Norse God as a child? One’s fourteen, the other’s Thor, teen.
What’s the difference between a disillusioned person and a hunted bird? One’s jaded, the other’s Jay, dead.
What’s the difference between a portable communication device and a tank firing a cannon? One’s a mobile phone, the other’s a mobile pown.
What’s the difference between the last season of the year, and someone who gets free thick, black liquids? One’s Winter, the other wins tar.
Why was Terrance’s clone so scared? He was Terry-fied.
Why was the number on drugs so friendly? It was high five.
Who did Lee turn into when receiving an artistic award? Emmy Lee.
What’s the difference between a happy person and a man standing on his spouse’s shoulders? One’s high on life, the other’s high on wife.
Who did Paul turn into when he bended over? Paul lean.
When do gorillas put off their work? Ape will.
What do you call someone who doesn’t finish his arithmetic homework? Math, few.
What’s the difference between a good surgeon and a bad surgeon’s patient? One’s skilled, the other’s killed.
What’s the difference between a critical person and a lawman going on a rampage? One’s judgemental, the other’s judge mental.
What’s the difference between a sensible person and a rug doing the dishes? One’s mature, the other’s a mat chore.
What’s the difference between someone who’s sophisticated and a very mild drug? One’s classy, the other’s class E.
What’s the difference between a chore and a rubber ring doing maths? One’s tiresome, the other’s a tire sum.
What’s the difference between a twin and a movie theatre? One’s similar, the other’s the cinema.
What’s the difference between car fuel and a cat falling down a hill? One’s petrol, the other’s a pet roll.
What’s the difference between a dream, and an honest man? One’s surreal, the other’s Sir, real.
Why was the man musical when he let Alan the tramp free? He released an Al bum.
What’s the difference between a large waterbird and a container on someone’s stomach? One’s a pelican, the other’s a belly can.
What’s the difference between Lemmy’s band and someone choosing between a deep ditch and the top part of a body? One’s Motorhead, the other wonders ‘moat or head’.
What’s the difference between a pocket monster and someone who jabs a mother? One’s a Pokemon, the other pokes a mum.
What U.S. state do new musical passages come from? New Vampshire.
What era of music do sheep listen to? Baa rock.
What music did Phil Anselmo play when he became a hippie? Groovy metal.
When does the very angry number 4 surrender? When it has a four fit.
What’s the difference between something that’s shocking and a Ming Vase fitted with a warning system? One’s alarming, the other’s an alarm Ming.
What do you call someone who gives lip augmentations? Fill lip.
What did the drug user say when he had a mental breakdown? I can’t toke it anymore!
What’s the difference between a genius and an Iron Maiden mascot given as a present? One’s gifted, the other’s a gift Ed.
What’s the difference between false science and the science of taking bread to court? One’s pseudoscience, the other’s sue dough science.
What’s the difference between a fish that stuns its prey and a curry with a battery in it? One’s an electric eel, the other’s an electric meal.
What’s the difference between a dream and a record amount of a fruit flavoured soft drink? One’s a fantasy, the other’s a Fanta sea.
What’s the difference between a police officer and a nice guy in a pub? One’s a sergeant the other’s a bar gent.
What do you call a cheerful, bouncing tree hugger? A happy hoppy hippie.
What’s the difference between something terrible and a fish on a dog’s foot? One’s appalling, the other’s a paw ling.
What’s the difference between something that’s perfect, and a chicken on the loose? One’s ten out of ten, the other’s hen out of pen.
What’s the difference between a state bordering New Hampshire and a holy service combined with your sister eating? One’s Massachusetts, the others mass and chew sis.
What’s the difference between a dreamer and a growth on a soft drink? One’s a fantasist, the other’s a Fanta cyst.
What do you call someone who travels with malware? Mal-come.
What’s the difference between a charity event and a multicoloured razor blade? One’s a fund raiser, the other’s a fun razor.
What’s the difference between Summer and someone who holds their children? One’s a season, the other seizes sons.
What’s the difference between salt, and the letters D and M in massive fonts? One’s sodium, the other’s SO DM.
What’s the difference between a shopper and Omar when he’s insulted? One’s a customer, the other’s a cussed Omar.
Where does Sid’s middle leg come from? Sid knee.
What’s the difference between the Lone Star State state and a technicians’s bum? One’s Texas, the other’s a tech’s ass.
Why did the toddler choose what his face looked like? He picked his nose.
What’s the difference between snow and Load by Metallica? One’s all white, the other’s alright.
What have dialogues and acts of fraud got in common? They’re con-versations.
What’s the difference between a fungal growth and a sentimental office? One’s a mushroom, the other’s a mush room.
What vehicle do you get when an egg comes from someone’s spine? A hatch back.
Where does Malcom’s friend come from? Pal Mal.
Why did the man who owned a nation of Bach’s pieces have amnesia? He had a fugue state.
Why is the money from lime disease carrying parasites so minty? Because it’s tick tax.
What’s the difference between a fake person and a trout’s boot from the future? One’s superficial, the other’s a super fish shoe.
What’s the difference between an aggressive man and a disgusting preparation for Easter? One’s violent, the other’s vile Lent.
What’s the difference between dental pain and a dessert made of a horse’s foot? One’s a toothache, the other’s a hoof cake.
What’s the difference between an electromagnetic gun and a broken AK-47? One’s a railgun, the other’s a fail gun.
What have pubs on the red planet and caramel chocolates got in common? They’re both Mars bars.
What’s the difference between a serial killer and a teddy bear owned by a group of adult males? One’s demented, the other’s the men ted.
What’s the difference between a fermented milk snack and a damaged milk cap? One’s a yogurt, the other’s a pog, hurt.
What’s the difference between a breeze and a comedian? One’s a draught, the other’s daft.
What’s the difference between a key with two sharps, and a baby honey making insect? One’s B minor, the other’s a bee minor.
What’s the difference between a poser and a bee with an alarm on it? One’s a wannabe, the other’s a warner bee.
What’s the difference between Victoria and slime? One’s Vicky, the other’s icky.
What’s the difference between a mistake and an axe attack causing mild damage? One’s accidental, the other’s axe-y dental.
What’s the difference between a Middle Eastern country and a boat in the side of someone’s face? One’s Iraq, the other’s ear ark.
What music did Einstein listen to when going crazy in his car? Ram-stein.
What’s the difference between outdoor cooking and a line of dolls? One’s a barbecue, the other’s a Barbie queue.
What’s the difference between science and a trainee sleeping? One’s interesting, the other’s intern-resting.
What’s the difference between a royal celebration and a rabbi called ‘Bill’? One’s a jubilee, the other’s jew Billy.
What’s the difference between a coldly delivered joke and Daniel in a bungee jumping accident? One’s deadpan, the other’s dead Dan.
What’s the difference between a stringed instrument and an unpleasant letter? One’s a guitar, the other’s git R.
What’s the difference between an explosive and the strength of a restaurant customer? One’s dynamite, the other’s diner might.
What music played when Bethany came into contact with everyone? Beth met all.
What’s the difference between a kerchief and Danna after a freakout? One’s a bandana, the other’s a banned Danna.
Why did the inadequate needle observer misunderstand? He missed the point.
Why don’t evil metal bands have good producers? Because they play lack metal.
Where did the dollar in the meat come from? Buck in ham palace.
What’s the difference between a chess victory and a friend of money? One’s a checkmate, the other’s a cheque mate.
What’s the difference between Brussels and a bell ringer called ‘Jonathan’? One’s Belgian, the other’s bell John.
What’s the difference between a computer and denim in a blender? One’s a machine, the other’s mashed jeans.
What’s the difference between morphine and a book? One’s a painkiller, the other’s a brain filler.
What’s the difference between the Passion and Warfare guitarist and a horse on drugs? One’s Steve Via, the other’s a steed high.
What’s the difference between an orange vegetable and rust on a taxi? One’s a carrot, the other’s car rot.
Where was Gary executed? Hung Gary.
Where do crazy Romans go? Rome Mania.
What’s the only country made entirely of an alleyway? It’s alley.
Where does Erica the pig come from? Ham Erica.
What’s the difference between a compact disk and a toilet inspector? One’s a CD, the other sees pee.
What’s the difference between a furnace and a dishonest fish? One’s a fireplace the other’s a liar plaice.
(Nonsense joke, I wondered about posting): What do you call someone who has to choose between their stomach or their riginals? Ab or iginals.
What’s the difference between an early beer and a milk cap’s throne? One’s the hair of the dog, the other’s the chair of the pog.
What’s the difference between death and the handsome Alan? One’s final, the other’s fine Al.
What’s the difference between a Sega Genesis, and Della Vega doing a bungee jump? One’s a Sega Mega Drive, the other’s a Vega mega dive.
What’s the difference between pizza and the phrase ‘Bees are everywhere, please God help me!!!’? One’s an addiction, the other’s mad diction.
What’s the difference between the ultimate trophy and the drinking of the Earth? One’s the world cup, the other’s the world sup.
How do you torture someone who only likes junk food? With cold saw.
What’s the difference between a face to face meeting and Polo scenery? One’s an interview, the other’s a minty view.
What’s the difference between a beating and a celebrating seed? One’s a crack of the whip, the other’s a clap of the pip.
Why did the police give up when the Northern English city was destroyed? There were no Leeds.
What’s the difference between a sausage in a bun and a toilet for a container? One’s a hotdog, the other’s a pot bog.
What’s the difference between the Russian capital and herbicide? One’s Moscow, the other’s moss-go.
What’s the difference between someone with ADHD and an awake cat on a roof? One’s hyperactive, the other’s a high purr, active.
What’s the difference between gloomy weather and someone who keeps pressing the same letter on a keyboard? One’s depressive, the other’s D pressive.
What’s the difference between a will and someone who checked a portable shelter? One’s a testament, the other tested tent.
What’s the difference between a woodworker and a fish opening a door? One’s a carpenter. the other’s a carp entering.
Why was the rhino so attractive? It was gore-geos.
What band did Morrissey play in when he cried? The Sniffs.
What do you get if you cut a battery in two, perfectly? Flattery acid.
Why did the man who couldn’t see or hear his pixie friend get therapy? He had no sense of elf.
Why was the man who was told not to trust pixies so insightful? Because he was elf-aware.
Where do go tired products stay? The snore-age facility.
Why was the man with no joints on his marker so poor? Because he was pen-knee less.
Why was Ben’s widow so poor? She was Benny-less.
What’s the difference between an attack and sodium coming out of your bum? One’s assault, the other’s ass salt.
Why did Black Sabbath give a gun to a fruit? To write about War Figs.
What rodent does Bill Burr turn into when he handles his money? A Burr-bill.
How did Van Gogh travel when dressed in black and in reverse world? In a goth van.
What do you call someone born around January? Jan-ish.
Why was the diseased letter so kind? It was a mange L.
What do you call a bee with a tiny face? Buzz light ear.
What do you call someone who always does his homework? Math-do.
What song did Metallica play when their waists were bitten by mosquitos? Hip Rash.
What was Pantera’s only song about a dishonest computer company? Cowboys from Dell.
What’s the only film about money and toy bears? Bill and Ted.
What’s the difference between a chore and an agitated bundle of cash? One’s bothersome, the other’s a bothered sum.
How did the man who left a large group of people communicate? Through horde-less phone.
Why was the man who invaded America reinvigorated? He got some West.
What’s the only racetrack you can read? Booklands.
Why couldn’t the bird eat after his flight? He travelled at break peck speed.
Why was the man joyful and paralised after he was dumped? He was ex-static.
Why was the rear of the wooden case flawed? It was a drawer back.
Why was the building destroyed by the surprised man saying ‘Hello’? It was a shock wave.
What violinist was a crook and a German car? Spiv Audi.
What’s the difference between a one sided shape and a man-murderer? One’s a circle, the other’s a Sir kill.
Where does the moon ‘Io’ feel most patronised? On the pat-Io.
Where did Leroy and Leroy go when they had a mental breakdown? Bark Lees.
Why did Ian the Asian have a cruel limb? Because it was arm mean Ian.
What the difference between 100% and Max’s mother? One’s the maximum, the other’s Maxine’s mum.
What’s the difference between the dentist’s and a large percussive instrument on the grass? One’s Hell on Earth, the other’s bell on turf.
Why was the snot becoming extinct? It was running out.
Why did the man selling fossil fuels go to Hell? He sold his coal.
What’s the difference between the dentist’s and salsa? One’s hellish, the other’s relish.
How do soda studiers travel? Fizzness class.
What condition did the dead mother get? Ex-ma.
Why was the skin irritation an Alan so sensible? Because it was rash on Al.
What do call someone who is a large percussive instrument? Is a bell.
Why did getting laser eye surgery help the man study? Because it was re-vision.
Why was the beaver proven guilty? Because his work was dam-ing.
What do beakless birds listen to? Peck no.
Why was the addition by the paddle so amazing? Because it was oar sum.
What do you call the most visible computer in the world? Mac seen.
Why was the man who was fixated on the letter X so weird? He was X-centric.
What Jewish band had poor dental hygiene? Plaque Sabbath.
Why was the man licked by a computer hard to understand? He was comp-lick-ated.
Why was the tasty food on the TV? It was chews worthy.
Why was the smile helper explosive? It was a grin aid.
What music do Supergrass play? Turf rock.
What supervillain helped people chuckle? Laugh aider.
What’s the favourite number of an ill teenager? Sick teen.
Why was the half-eaten fish on the floor? It was a carp, et.
Who threw the Morris dancer? Chuck Morris.
What’s the favourite number of a teenager wearing wool? Fur teen.
Why did the queue jumper get thinner? Because of the wait loss.
Why did the man go on about how much he hated oxygen in the stuffy room? For the air vent.
What animals say hello to Irene? Hi Rena’s.
Why was the man shocked when he saw a group of zeros? He was nought-ified.
When do people pack the fastest? In stuffy weather.
What guitar company banned the letter? I ban S.
What have people who put out flames, and callous bosses got in common? They’re fire men.
Why was the X so angry? It was cross.
What’s the difference between a community and a head covering for a horse? One’s a neighbourhood, the other’s a neigher hood.
Why could the comedy winner prove his identity with his award? Because it was a mirth certificate.
What music played when a slave picked up a stone? Serf rock.
Why was the horse food in peril? It was in manger.
Why did the false statements roll down a hill? They were lie balls.
What was the number when a couple of warriors died? Two Hun dead.
What composer couldn’t cough? Try Cough-ski.
What’s the difference between a Japanese sword and chainmail on a kitten? One’s a katana, the other’s cat armour.
Why did the adventurer travel on a bacteria? He went on a germy.
What’s the difference between red and a victorious boy? One’s crimson, the other’s a win son.
What do you call an angry dinosaur? Roary.
Why was New York so terrifying when it rose from the ground? It was a state of emergency.
Why was the medical waste dump also an adventure? It was a body sea.
Why is the first lesson good for your health? It’s new tuition-al.
How did the snowman scream when it died? It thawed.
How do snowmen hate their music? With thaw production.
What warriors were the best at espionage? The spy kings.
How did the man next to the monarch on the mountain travel? By high king.
Why couldn’t the man escape when fruit was thrown at him? He was berried.
Why was the man who ate a pyramid so great? He was wonder full.
Why was the viking addition so great? It was Norse sum.
Why was the guard bee pretentious? It was a warner-bee.
What weapon was the cleaner of Sonic’s best friend? A Knuckles duster.
What did Kurt Douglas change his name to when he fell over? Hurt Douglas.
What tent do you get when you draw on a vowel? A mark E.
Why did the flames in the shape of a cross go out? They X-pyred.
Where do nectar collecting insects get their news? The beedia.
Why was the hardworking letter also a court case? It was a try L.
Why was the metal boat suffering? It was hard ship.
What sweet sentenced the criminal? The fudge.
Why did the bee collect the thick black liquid on the man’s throat? It was neck tar.
Why could the cab detect rubbish? Because it was a tack see.
Why did the rookie measure pork? He was a ham-meter.
Why did Julias Caesar burn a fire in the shape of a letter? To create an M pyre.
Why was the man who looked like a pixie in good shape? He was elfy.
Why was the sober man so brave? He was beerless.
Why was the bee in an open area convincing? Because it was bee-leavable.
Where did the Wizard of Oz go deep sea diving? Oz low.
Why did the collection of rooms with people hawking help with a sore throat? Because it was a cough suite.
Why did the tree climber fall to his death when resting? He was on a break.
Why was the old paint desirable? It was a’peeling.
Why did the new mix of the album bring the leader back to life? It was a re-master.
Why did everyone relax when the world turned into shrubs with prickly leaves? It was a holly day.
Why did the noble Leo arrive quicker than expected? Because he was earl Lee.
Why did the impressive guitar solo stand out? It was noteworthy.
Why did the upper eduction centre go to jail? It was a high school.
Why was the scarecrow memorable? It stood out.
How did the injuries get people drunk? They were brewses.
Why was the comedian’s aftershave gone off? It smelt funny.
Why was the rock concert approved? It was a’loud.
Why was the medicine for the feline so still? It was catty tonic.
Why did the stomach restorer hate authority? He was re-belly-ous.
How old was the winner of the chugging contest? Thirsty-won.
What was Fred Durst called when he won the race? Fred First.
What’s Fred Durst’s biography called? Read Durst.
Why did the knife attack Lawrence? It was cut Larry.
What do you call someone who steals from his child? Robbin’ son.
Why did the cooler rip off the oxygen? It was an air con.
Why couldn’t the man spinning right be tricked by the watch? He was clockwise.
Why did the electrician say ‘no’? He re-fused.
What do you call a French woman who controls wet weather? La Rain.
What happens to bad Dutch people when they die? They get Amster-damned.
What organisation swears at the optical organs of nectar collecting insects? The F bee eye.
Why was the highland breeze so funny? It was hill air-ious.
Why did the shred guitarist get a nosebleed? He was a speed picker.
Why couldn’t the criminal go sailing? He wasn’t allowed the boat.
Why was the psychic average height? He was a medium.
Why did the man who was written about go to jail? He was sentenced.
Who cooked the toilet? John Baker.
Why did the freezing mathematician commit the crime? He was cold and calculating.
Why was it dishonest when the chair was burned? It was de-seat.
Why does Cat Deeley have her last name first? It’s her purr name.
Why was the burrowing mammal guardian so good at catching? He was a mole keeper.
What band did the winning bee listen to? Beebee Top. (Bee joke 50!!)
What do you call someone who presumes he’s the victor, but isn’t sure? Errr, win?
Why did the bee swap clothes to up the tension in the song? For the bee change.
Why did the query tell the adventure to go away? It was a quest shun.
Why did the male dwarf’s tool belt malfunction? It was as short Sir kit.
Why did everyone chill out on the toddler’s birthday? It was three time.
Why did the recommender eat? He nominated.
Why did 1,000,000,000 plus 1,000,000,000, plus 100,000,000 plus 1,000,000,000 go to the mental institution? It was maddition.
Why did the nearby house have a cold doorstep? It was low-cool.
Why was the observant and nearly finished cleaner psychic? She could see into the few chores.
When were people the coolest? The Fonz age.
Why is Russell Brand’s vehicle bad for the environment? It’s a Russell car.
What city does the vaccinated Nicolas come from? Immune Nick.
Why can’t women footballers get warnings? They’re fellow cards.
Why was the extra large insect so awesome? It was XL ant.
Why was the man’s computer system in the tree so awesome? It was tree men DOS.
Where do recently rejuvenated people come from? New Zeal Land.
Why was the man allergic to salt so stubborn? He couldn’t be seasoned with.
Why was the peaceful lob so cold? It was throw zen.
Why was the hiding goblin a flower? It was an orc, hid.
What planet do sitting corners come from? Sat Turn.
Why did the happy shout end world hunger? It was a merry call.
How do Australian marsupials fight when flying? Air wombat.
How did the baker escape from the law? He went on the bun.
What metal band do firemen listen to? Bin Flames.
What band destroyed the Greek letter? Omegadeth.
Why was everyone dizzy when Bert left? Because it was Berty-go.
Why did the unsure man cause dry land? He droughted it.
Why was the long-necked bird so silly? It goosed around.
What do you call someone who questions Annabelle? Why-Anne?
What dessert was used in the war? The assault trifle.
Why did Alan turn against his friend when carrying a tray of bees? Because it was bee tray Al.
Where do the most arrogant pencils come from? Pencil Veiner.
What’s the vaguest name? Josh, you are…
When are welcomed people cannibals? When they get hand shakes.
When do students drink soda? Fizz-ics.
Why did the company shut down after the walking stick ban? Because of the staff shortage.
Why did the good female student turn into a dog? She was a B gal.
Why was the routinely tardy man approachable? He was re-late-able.
What was Eric Clapton’s worst song? Failer.
Why do students travel to flat shoreline indentations? To get their bay levels.
How do board game players like their eggs? Scrabbled.
What planet do cats come from Purr-cury.
How do you film tinned meat? With spameras.
Why was Muhammed Ali’s reincarnated tea real? It was re-Ali-tea.
Why was the walkway in the shape of a letter so kind? It was an M path.
Why did the trench builder like his work? He digged it.
What’s the difference between and a thin shopping container and a contemptuous old lady? One’s a plastic bag, the other’s a sarcastic bag.
Why was the knitter so hungry? She was scarving.
Why was the examined jet annoyed? It was thrust-rated.
What’s the difference between an appointment and carbonation? One’s a visit, the other’s a fizz-it.
What actor knew about Normandy’s history more than anyone? Norman Wisdom.
What’s the difference between something that’s perfect and a female bird escaping from Benjamin’s stomach? One’s ten out of ten, the other’s hen out of Ben.
Why could the door opener that was handed back end paragraphs? It was a returned key.
How do confused people called Bella stay dry? With Ummm Bellas.
Why was Einstein so friendly? He had lots of brain waves.
What snacks can only correct pitches four times? Four tune cookies.
Why did the duck go insane? He quacked.
What’s the difference between a blast beat and the army? One’s a machine gun rhythm, the other has machine guns with ’em.
Why couldn’t the chicken move? He got cluck.
Why was the cat without a hope flawless? It was purr-fecked.
What’s the difference between a list of cooking instructions and a sleeping green seed? One’s a recipe, the other’s a resty pea.
What’s the difference between someone who runs away from a pea, and a psycho ox? One’s a coward, the other’s a cow, hard.
Why was the device that makes seeds older so moody? It was a bean ager.
Why was the counting of a full amount of money worthwhile? It was a whole sum activity.
What’s the difference between a joke and a partying leg joint? One’s funny, the other’s a fun knee.
Why did the seed weighing less than a gram light up the room? It was a bean of light.
What singer is related to all painters named ‘Garth’? Art Garth uncle.
When did the book go to jail? When it was sentenced.
Why was the comedy fan ludicrous? He was laugh-able.
How did the ancient army general seek the truth? He wanted lancers.
Why did the man catching the woodwind instrument fall ill? He caught the flute.
Where do people learn to take drugs? High schools.
Why was the musical bull a villain? He was note Taurus.
How did the modern metaller damage his car? He djented it.
How did the priest change his church? He altered it.
What is Domino’s bread-making side company called? Nommy Doughs.
What’s the difference between a second year student and a land of seats? One’s a sophomore, the others a sofa moor.
What’s the difference between a crime drama starring Al Pacino, and a neckwear champion? One’s Scarface, the other’s a scarf ace.
What do you call the winner of a very small amount of money? Win-cent.
What’s the difference between a grasshopper and an insult coming from a toddler? One’s a locust, the other’s a low cuss.
What’s the difference between a rainy summer and a blind old lady? One’s probable, the other’s robbable.
What do you call someone who lives in a haunted mill? Mill Dread.
What’s the difference between an attacker and the supervillain of trash? One’s an invader, the other’s Bin Vader.
Why was the vending machine lazy? It was a slack machine.
How did the surviver celebrate in the lift? He lived it up.
What burger punched the American loose change? The quarter pounder.
What do you call Fred when he grows up? Man Fred.
What have small and fun social events for children and fruits with toys got in common? They’re play dates.
What material ripped off the island? Con Crete.
What made the computer unhealthy? Its chips.
What leader has a double lair? Joe bi-den.
What’s the difference between a spring month and a tablet? One’s April, the other’s a pill.
Why are tornados dishonest? They twist things.
What’s the difference between a unified country and you meeting the queen? One’s united, the other’s you, knighted.
Why was the best friend ever also a royal residence? He was a pal-ace.
Why was the music producer ambivalent? He had mixed feelings.
How did the slave in the music festival party? He crowd serfed.
What singer studied sheep? Tim lamb thesis.
Why was the pro robber so relaxed? He took it easy.
Who keeps all money? Fee Owner.
What’s Lynda the soda drinker’s band called? Lyn Fizzy.
Why did the very old man expand when he died? He died-lated.
What do you get when you cross Millie with my uncle? The Millie-Terry. (My uncle is called Terry).
Why can you sit on Fernando’s literature? Because it’s Ferny-ture.
Why was the job applicant a sweet fruit? He was a candy date.
Why were the male giants crazy? They were men, tall.
What’s the difference between a short album and a Yorkshireman on the toilet? One’s an EP, the other says ‘Eeee, pee!’
Why was the loose remote battery crazy? It was out of control.
Why couldn’t the sleeping letter get out of bed? It was lay-zee. (Only works for Americans. I’m not saying Americans are lazy, I’m saying they pronounce the letter differently).
What’s the difference between a female companion and someone who clears up your sick? One’s a girlfriend, the other’s a hurl friend.
What’s the difference between dental pain and a dishonest number? One’s a toothache, the other’s two, fake.
What’s the difference between an organised course of action and an aching camera? One a campaign, the other has cam-pain.
What do you call a vehicle for an insect in the coldest, most sophisticated continent? Ant arty car.
Why did the tower builder actually build nothing? He made it up.
Why was the vandal excellent? He was smashing.
Why was it so mushy watching the car travel? It was moving.
Why was the food on the edge of the cliff sufficient? It was a balanced diet.
What’s the difference between a radioactive element and someone who tells a dwarf planet to attack someone? One’s plutonium, the other says ‘Pluto, knee ‘em.’
Why did the ecstatic man’s mood quickly darken? He was de-lighted.
Why could the resident see the paddle coming out of someone’s leg joint? He was a see knee-oar citizen.
What did Mark Sinclair sing when firing a gun? Pop goes Vin Diesel.
What’s the difference between a bullet and an island of schemes? One’s a projectile, the other’s a project isle.
What’s the difference between an advantage and a group that performs at dinner time? One’s the upper hand, the other’s the supper band.
What singer stole Albert’s flower? Rob Bert’s plant.
What ingredient do vain tins use? Gel a tin.
Why was Percy victimised when he was electrocuted? He was Percy-cuted.
What entertainer shines gems? Ruby Wax.
Why did the man who had a great summer make his decision? He had a good season.
Why was the concussion remedy so thought provoking? It was a dis-cussion.
What music does Jeremy listen to? Jezz.
What music do people in Antarctica listen to? Chill out.
Why was the second container so familiar in the afternoon? It was day jar two.
What do Oxen in a cult drink? Yak cult.
Where did Bill Oddie go when he bought a sea? On an Oddie sea.
Why was the unoccupied land so sweet? It was a dessert island.
Why was the man’s biggest enemy door-shaped? He was his arch nemesis.
What fortresses do Dell employees go to rest? Sitty Dells.
What country do the slipperiest people come from? Grease.
Who shouts the most? Dan yell.
What’s the difference between an evil person and the son of a candle? One’s wicked, the other’s a wick kid.
What’s the difference between an underground prison and Jonathan when he’s dead? One’s a dungeon, the other’s a done John.
What’s the difference between giving up, and a sandwich’s assignment? One’s submission, the other’s a sub mission.
Why was the letter so happy when it was spotted? It was X, sighted.
Why wasn’t the eraser very good? It was rub-ish.
What opera metal band drives a limo? Epic Car.
Why was Jacob’s kidnapper so impressive? He really took the Jake.
Why was the crazy Eleanor essential? She was Ellie-mental.
What’s the difference between a fibrous connective tissue and Dominic at his best? One’s a tendon, the other’s a ten Dom.
What’s the difference between a cooler and a knighted flea? One’s a freezer, the other’s a flea sir.
Why were the ripped letters also oxen? They were buff L Os.
Why did Morris avoid the impoverished part of town? It was a no-Moe area.
What’s the difference between Simeon Weederman and your enemy’s leg joint? One’s phoney, the other’s a foe knee.
What do call someone who gives money to a bee? Fee bee.
Why did the computer expert give a caffeinated drink to someone’s peepers? He worked in eye tea.
What’s the difference between something that’s soft and the dumbest thing possible? One’s tender, the other’s ten out of ten-duh.
What’s the difference between A D E and a confused Greek God? One’s A sus, the other’s eh Zeus.
What’s the difference between Willie, and a sweet potato who writes people’s last wishes? One’s William, the other’s a will yam.
Why was the hula hooping gangster in charge? He was the ringleader.
What’s the difference between something that is OTT, and Billy from a Kent town? One’s overkill, the other’s Dover Bill.
What organisms spy on you when you sleep? Bed bugs.
Why was the measured ostrich shunned? It was ostri-sized.
Why was the mongoose so scared? It was a fear cat.
Why was the mongoose so upset? It was a tear cat.
Why couldn’t the mongoose walk properly? It was a beer cat.
What city do all cooks come from? Chef Field.
What’s the difference between an error and a blind chunk of beef playing golf? One’s a mistake, the other’s a miss steak.
What’s the difference an Italian-American guitarist and an annoyed letter? One’s Steve Vai, the other’s a peeved Y.
What’s the difference between Edward and a frothy beer? One’s Eddie, the other’s heady.
What’s the difference between a huge monster and a laughing winged insect? One’s a behemoth, the other’s a teehee moth.
What’s the difference between a ridiculous comedy and a rubbish farming tool? One’s farcical, the other’s a farce sickle.
What’s the difference between a warning and a pigeon prepared for pastry dishes? One’s a word to the wise, the other’s a bird to the pies.
What’s the difference between somethings that’s creepy and Susan’s door opener? One’s spooky, the other’s a Sue key.
What’s the difference between Deftones and a sighted vowel? One’s the A team, the other’s an A seen.
Why was Kenneth the robot a fighting game? He was a tech Ken.
What city do evil hamsters go to when they die? Hamster damn.
What’s the difference between a foe and and award for a biro? One’s an enemy, the other’s a pen Emmy.
Why are remedies morally wrong? They’re medi-sins.
What’s the difference between a pie and a tree made of Aquafresh? One’s a pastry, the other’s a toothpaste tree.
What’s the difference between Deftones and a believable victory? One’s incredible, the other’s a win, credible.
What’s the difference between a careless washer and Sharon’s ex husband? One left the shower on, the other left the Sharon.
What band does Justin Hawkins’s quiet dog play in? The Bark Less.
What’s the difference between memory loss and pork getting less difficult? One’s amnesia, the other’s ham easier.
What do you call someone who cooks paintings? Stew art.
What’s the difference between giant grass and someone who outlawed Betty Boo? One’s bamboo, the other banned Boo.
What’s the difference between a puncture and a sleepy annoying person? One’s a flat tyre, the other’s a twat, tired.
What football team is based on a man finding his long lost dog? Man reunited.
What comedian set fire to the horse transporter? Steed van fry.
What grunge band had the cheapest lawn? Pound Garden.
What grunge band did the horticulturist-discoverer listen to? Found Garden.
When did dogs rule? The bark ages.
When did trees rule? Also the bark ages.
Why was the man in a wardrobe anxious? It was a dress-full situation.
What food wrapping stopped the container taking over the world? The tin foil.
What’s the difference between a cat and a row of money? One’s a feline, the other’s a fee line.
What’s the difference between a plastic container and a fancy new suit? One’s Tupperware, the other’s pukka wear.
What’s the difference between something fantastic and a huge pizza that’s deformed? One’s excellent, the other’s XL bent.
Why is there so much graffiti in Beaconsfield? It’s a mark-it town.
Why was the disrespected enemy attentive? He was foe-cussed.
What’s the difference between an animation and a silly person in a wagon? One’s a cartoon, the other’s a cart goon.
What’s the difference between some train tracks and a road full of potholes? One’s a railway, the other’s a fail way.
What’s the difference between income and a new motorbike? One’s revenue, the other’s a revver, new.
Who coloured in Anne? Dye-Anne.
What’s the only weapon made from a sandwich? The sub machine gun.
Why didn’t the serious substance chuckle? It was no laughing matter.
What have underground waste systems and people who take legal action got in common? They’re both suers.
What’s the difference between Hell and letters in stacks of dried grass? One’s Hades, the others are hay Ds.
What’s the difference between an enlargement and a repaired goblin? One’s augmented, the other’s orc mended.
Why couldn’t the loser stand up? He was de-feeted.
What’s the difference between someone who gives up and a very clear person? One resigns, the other re-signs.
What’s the difference between Mayhem and Keir Starmer? One’s chaos, the other’s K.S.
What’s the difference between a huge celebration, and my dentist sleeping? One’s a festival, the other’s a rest evil.
Who cooked the cat? Tom Baker.
What do you call someone made of mesh? A net.
What’s the difference between a handheld explosive and a smiling soft drink? One’s a grenade, the other’s grin aid.
Why did the dessert make money whilst tumbling down a hill? It was a profiter-roll.
Why was the holy man’s letter in the jungle? It was a monk E.
What was Charlie Sheen used as when turned into a potato? A mash-Sheen.
What do you get if you hug a T? A T spoon.
Why was the rebuilt mental home also a prize? It was a re-ward.
Why did the man giving away arrows pointing to the sky retire? He gave up.
Why was the vegetable cream also an innocent letter? It was a pure A.
Why did no one work when everyone was being silly? It was a wally day.
Why was the store’s sponge springy? It was a shop absorber.
What’s the difference between a squealing guitar note and a stolen mouth organ? One’s a pinch harmonic, the other’s a pinched harmonica.
What do you call someone who looks like an American store? Marty.
What did Peggy turn into when knitting a jumper? A clothes Peg.
What’s the difference between a promotion and Albert when he’s depressed? One’s an advert, the other’s a sad Bert.
Why was the robbed waterbird keeper so apathetic? He couldn’t give a duck.
What music played when Elizabeth was thrown in a dump? Bin Lizzy.
What’s the difference between a Scottish lake and my home made door fastener? One’s Loch Ness, the other’s a lock mess.
What God is the sister of an optical organ? Eye sis.
Why was David a neanderthal when he grew up? He was a Dave man.
What place do all sheep hate? The Baaa Harmers.
Why did the soldier merge with the limb’s letter? He joined the arm E.
What was the only bird prime minster? Margaret Hatcher.
Why did the minor insult transport school children? It was a mini cuss.
What’s the difference between Harold Shipman and Lewis Hamilton as a taxi driver? One’s a serial killer, the other’s a serial thriller.
What were defeated Roman warriors called? Sadiators.
Why is modern attrition good for you? It’s new-trition.
What’s the difference between a doll on your hand and a foolish bird? One’s a glove puppet, the other’s a dove muppet.
What singer’s toupee exploded? Wiggy pop.
What’s the difference between food from a supermarket and Mr. Evans when he farts? One’s a grocery, the other’s a gross Sir. E.
What do you call someone fed up on a Monday? Sigh Mon.
What’s the difference between Carlos Santana and a can of everything? One’s a Mexican the other’s a mixy can.
Why could the average amount of energy see into the future? It was power-normal.
Why did ‘Van Halen 1’ disapprove of the afternoon? It was a day boo album.
What’s the difference between E.T. and Ian out of jail? One’s an alien, the other’s a bail Ian.
What’s a damn building rodent’s favourite alternative metal band? Beether.
What’s the difference between a brawl in a pub and someone who comes from sick? One’s a bar fight, the other’s a barf-ite.
What do you call someone who keeps jumping? Bob.
Why was the man cooking with a herb so angry? He was simmering with sage.
Why was the reasonable letter magical? It was a fair E.
What’s the difference between a huge amount of information and an atonal jazz-death metal performance? One’s a gigabyte, the other’s a gig that bites.
What will people see in the curry apocalypse? The four sauce men.
What’s the difference a Minnesota city and the state of being a small apple? One’s Minneapolis, the other’s mini apple-ness.
What’s the difference between a screeching guitar noise and a classical composer’s carer? One’s feedback, the other’s a feed Bach.
What disease do you get it you’re scared of being dunked? Dip fear… … ier
Why was the auction winner so dark? He had a more bid personality.
How did the pastry hater die? A tart attack.
Why was the Native American item flawed? It was a’patchy.
Where did Billy Connolly go when he had a cold? Snotland.
Where did Billy Connolly go as a teenager? Spotland.
Why was the dwarf dismantler so mysterious? It was the un-gnome.
Why was the man offended when sodium was sprinkled on him, indoors? He was in-salted.
What was the man who crashed into the road signal listening to? Ram Sign.
What do happy conquerers listen to? Joy Division.
Why was the clueless person so agreeable? He didn’t no.
What’s the difference between an offended person and someone who has fruit thrown at them? One’s appalled the other’s appled.
What’s the difference between a group of vehicles and someone who rips off Royston? One’s a convoy, the other’s a con Roy.
What’s the difference between someone from Ireland and someone who is slightly dishonest? One’s Irish, the other’s liar-ish.
Why was the emptying bottle also an oat based breakfast? It was pour-age.
What’s the difference between a round cooking item and a Viking saying the same word over and over again? One’s a saucepan, the other’s Norse spam.
What bag do you get when Rachel sits? A satchel.
What’s the difference between an adventure and a sweaty foot? One’s a journey, the other’s germy.
How was the typing of the radio discriminated against? It was stereo typed.
What’s the difference between a file taken from the internet and a depressed frog? One’s a download, the other’s a down toad.
What’s the difference between James and someone who looks like Maynard James Keenan? One’s foolish, the other’s Tool-ish.
What have barbers and people who clothe rabbits got in common? They’re hare dressers.
What do you call the man who took the letter for a run? Ran D.
Why could no one leave the room of cloaks with the letters ‘A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z’ written on them? There was no S cape.
Why was the insulted ant so far away? It was dissed ant.
What wreckage do you get if you put a necrotic Sam in a plane? Rot Sam and jet Sam.
What band wrote the hit song ‘Don’t Stop Believin’’ and a song about dirty socks? Germy.
What’s the only way Lewis Hamilton can communicate? Zoom meetings.
What country is made from a pet’s black sludge? Cat Tar.
What country only uses entrances made of water? Aqua Door.
What’s the difference between a broken bone and a discarded legal team? One’s an injury, the other’s a binned jury.
When did the smoker turn into a bee? When he collected neck tar.
What’s the difference between a musical exercise and a cannibal? One’s an etude, the other et Jude.
Why did the father have a mental breakdown when in his car? He drove himself, dad.
What does your smarter friend drink? Bud wiser.
Who used air as currency? Paul Gas Coin.
What’s the difference between a diminished 5th interval and James? One’s a tritone, the other’s a try pown.
Why couldn’t the depressed man throw properly? He had a heavy dart.
What’s the difference between a house and a well behaved pest? One’s a property, the other’s a proper flea.
Why was the very long poem bigger than the universe? It was the multi verse.
Where did the man who swallowed a small projectile come from? Dart mouth.
What did Jonathan Davis eat after singing the Spice Girls? Pop Korn.
What’s the difference between a cheeky person and someone who owns the Nevermind album? One has a nerve, the other has a Nirv… ana… album.
What weapon chased Johnny Depp away? The Depp charge.
What fish do you get when Sam is activated? Sam on.
What tempo built the thigh? A leg grow.
Why did the repeated phrase on the Fender smell? It was a guitar wiff.
What’s the most common name for a female soldier? Aim-ee.
Why was the man who built the snow-coloured object so good? He did what was white.
Why did the man run away when he misplaced his 7 foot robot? He los his bot, tall.
What’s the difference between a financial plan and someone who moved a chair? One’s a budget, the other budged it.
Why do evil spirits fail at school? Because they’re D-mons.
What’s the difference between English and an excellent triangular block? One’s a language, the other’s a nang wedge.
What guitar did Randy Rhoads play when a small green seed was thrown at him? A flying pea.
Why did the man love the woman that he turned into an entrance? He a’doored her.
Why was the lone house so emotionally cold? It was detached.
Why didn’t the man with no emails smell? He had no sent.
What do you call a Frenchman’s sibling? France sis.
Where does Ali go when he wants attention? It’s Ali!!
Where’s the only place fish can live out of water? Fin land.
What’s the difference between people switching countries and me telling grey things to go away? One’s migration, the other’s my grey shun.
What’s the difference between a flying game and the act of telling Simeon Underwood’s excellent grade to go away? One’s a simulation, the other’s a Sim U A shun.
Why was Thomas the enthusiast so mysterious when performing ‘The Marriage of Figaro’? He was the fan Tom of the opera.
Why does Yngwie Malmsteen have no tongue? He has no sense of taste.
Why did the enthusiast cool everyone down? He was a fan.
What’s the difference between a war zone and cows that are also oranges? One’s a battle field, the other’s are cattle peeled.
Why did slippery crashed car stay indoors? It was a wreck, loose.
What country can’t stand tea? Hate tea.
What did Steve Harris play when someone through an instrument at his head? Face guitar.
How do people cured of haemorrhoids communicate? No pile phone.
How do empty handed roofers communicate? No tile phone.
What’s the difference between a high tech mobile and a chess champion being defeated? One’s a smart phone, the other’s a smart pown.
What’s the difference between a clean guitar improvisation and Jeremy Renner when he’s being annoying? One’s jazz guitar, the other’s Jez git R.
What’s the difference between a punctured tire and someone who has tableware robbed? One’s deflated, the other’s de-plated.
What’s the difference between withheld information and someone who repeatedly falls off a ferry? One’s a secret, the other’s a sea cretin.
What band never falls over? Slip not.
Why did Luke Skywalker’s victim split with his partner? He got the forced.
Why did the football match pause when a herb was sliced in two? It was half thyme.
What’s the difference between an I.T. worker and a PC that loves full stops and commas? One’s a computer programmer, the other’s a computer, pro grammar.
What’s the difference between a baby and a man who hates comics? One’s a bambino, the other banned Beanos.
What’s the difference between the start of the Christmas shopping season and a day with no chips? One’s black Friday, the other’s lack fry day.
Why was the indoor elevator so original? It was an innovator.
What’s the difference between an English shred guitarist and being ruled without farts? One’s Guthrie Govan, the other’s a guff-free govern.
What’s the petrol station worker’s favourite Metallica album? Fill ‘em All.
What’s the pharmacist’s favourite Metallica album? Pill ‘em All.
What country was the vowel cheated in? E gypped.
What time is the warrior’s torso fixed at? Mid knight.
What do professional estimators listen to? Pro guessive rock.
What do the hairy letters drive? Fur R Es.
What did the surprised man say when reading junk mail? ‘Well I’ll be spammed’.
Why was the winner so wet? He was the raining champion.
Where does Milton Jones go when he’s enthusiastic? Milton keen.
What’s the difference between an umbrella and something that’s obviously a shell? One’s a shelter, the other’s a shell, der.
What’s a pigeon’s favourite band? Motley Coo.
What’s the difference between an extinct flying reptile and a threatening duck’s money drawer? One’s a pterodactyl, the other’s a terror duck till.
Why is Alan’s secondary platter treacherous? Because it’s B tray Al.
Why did the talking number go to jail? 8 speech.
What member of Tool is a very enthusiast granny? Maynard James Keen Nan.
What’s the difference between a number and a music fan? One’s a digit, the other’s a dig it.
What’s the difference between a room for small children and caffeine offered to me? One’s a nursery, the other’s a no siree.
What city did the absurd introvert come from? Farcy loner.
What’s the difference between algebra and Nicholas the engineer when he’s nice to me? One’s technical, the other’s tech Nick, cool.
What’s the difference between slipping on a banana and a nice goblin? One’s awkward, the other’s orc, good.
What’s the difference between a North African country and Rocco’s best friend? One’s Morocco, the other wants more Rocco.
What country do you get when a melody is a hearing organ? Tune is ear.
What’s the difference between a short rest and a sheep in a reasonable mood? One’s halftime, the other’s calf, fine.
Why couldn’t the man inside a hair untangler move? He was in a comber.
What’s the difference between a footballer and a sprout? One’s an athlete, the other’s a naff eat.
What’s the difference between a bull’s-eye and an annoying person made of black sludge? One’s a target, the other’s a tar git.
What music played when Metallica tweeted? Hash metal.
Why did the punk kill his pet rabbit? To die his hare.
Who cooked the letter? Stew E.
Who made Paul tilt? Paul lean.
Who made the large body of water still? Stay sea.
What did the fish listen to when drinking soda? Fin Fizzy.
What music did BB King play when drunk? The booze.
What band loved maths the most? Joy Division.
What brand is surprised by his brother? Ummm bro…
Why was the hybrid also a flying potato? It was a mash up.
What’s the difference between a skilled worker and a pan that can paint? One’s an artisan, the other’s an arty pan.
Where do you find programs about ice melting? Channel Thaw.
Why was the below average way also a sandwich? It was a subway.
What’s the difference between a married man and a broken Nerf dart? One’s a mister, the other missed her.
Why did the simple product never play two notes quickly? Because it was no trills.
What’s the difference between a compact disc and Dee’s cameraman? One’s a CD, the other sees Dee.
What’s the difference between a TV program and someone telling a duck to go away, expertly? One’s a production, the other’s a pro duck shun.
Who told told Hugh to leave? Hugh, Go.
What guitarist won the most contests? Winny More.
What did the Grim Reaper listen to when feeling sociable? Death met all.
What animals are also mothers singing? Laaaa mas.
Why wasn’t it taken seriously when someone said a number? It was a figure of speech.
What planet did the ashes rest? Sat urn.
What’s the difference between a member of the SAS and a madman? One’s a commando, the other commands Os.
What’s the difference between an Italian dough-based dish and a male green seed? One’s a pizza, the other’s a pea sir.
What race of people have the worst OCD? The Checks.
Who sings about the evil barrel maker? Malice Cooper.
What’s the difference between an inquisitive person and a madman? One asks why, the other masks pies.
What do you call the main songbird? Wren A.
Where do the most screams come from? Wails.
How did Limp Bizkit catch the steel? With trap metal.
What’s the difference between Joe Biden and a gift handled by a clumsy person? One’s the president, the other has a present dent.
What’s the difference between a gift handled by a clumsy person and portable shelter right now? One has a present dent, the other’s a present tent.
What’s the difference between a huge chunk of ice and a Big Mac? One’s an iceberg, the other’s a nice burg.
What service is completely clueless? The eh eh?
Why was the fizzy drink so stupid? It was SO derrr.
What’s the difference between an outdoor area of a pub and a security guard at BrewDog? One’s a beer garden, the other’s beer guardin’.
What did Dr. Pepper call his goal? A fizzness plan.
What’s the difference between a modest man and a football mumbling a tune? One’s humble, the other’s a hum ball.
What’s the difference between liquor and something that looks like an egg beating utensil? One’s whisky, the other’s whisk-y.
What’s the difference between a watery ornament and a chocolate on the pavement? One’s a fountain, the other’s a found win.
What do you call someone who easily builds a lair? Den ease.
Why was the man feeing the beaver so hot? He was a fever.
Why was the spirit who prepared for a catastrophe so spicy? He was a ghost-prepper.
Why was the watery monument with a dictionary in it omniscient? It was a fountain of knowledge.
What’s the difference between a storm and a successful letter? One’s windy, the other’s a win D.
Why was the borrowed money isolated? It was a loan.
What did the letter thief do for work? He was a B keeper.
What’s the difference between a thrash metal band and someone who visited Alek the pirate? One’s Metallica, the other met Alek arrrrr.
What’s the difference between a manic depressive and an artic bear’s biggest fan? One’s bipolar, the other buys the polar.
What’s the difference between the management of large amounts of money, and insects that are impressive? One’s finance, the others are fine ants.
What’s the difference between a hermit and my uncle? One’s solitary, the other’s silly Terry.
What’s the difference between a banned item, and a bird of prey that believes it has superpowers? One’s illegal, the other’s an ill eagle.
What’s the difference between a fairly good item and a deodorant? One’s decent, the other’s a de-scent.
What’s the difference between a large body of water and someone who destroys a letter (for whatever reason)? One’s the sea, the other’s a de-C.
What’s the difference between something that’s excellent and trees who are males or old computer programs? One’s tremendous, the others are tree men/DOS.
What’s the difference between an assistant and someone who helps a pirate speak? One’s a helper, the other helps arrrr.
What do you call a dishonest vowel? E lie.
What’s the difference between a catchy number and a cool home for a bee? One’s fifty five, the other’s a nifty hive.
What’s the difference between a competition, and a mosquito that sends emails saying they are dying princes and will be giving you millions of pounds? One’s a contest, the other’s a con pest.
What do you call someone who never farts? Guff Free.
What’s the difference between a punishment and the number 123234345 that tricks people? One’s a consequence, the other’s a con sequence.
What bird do you get when a stomach is able to do something? A belly-can.
What’s the difference between the opposite of me and a bodybuilding crazy person? One’s a buffoon, the other’s a buff loon.
What’s the difference between a basic concept and what Rudolph intended to say to the policeman after being caught speeding? One’s a rudiment, the other’s what Rudy meant.
What spicy chicken dish is deficient in vitamins? Beriberi chicken.
What’s the difference between a deer-like animal from Africa and an unwanted insect? One’s an antelope, the other’s an ant interloper.
What’s the difference between a prisoner and a fraud who keeps targeting Victoria? One’s a convict, the other’s a con Vic.
Why was the bogey so knowledgeable? It was in the knows.
Where does a depressed Batman get his pork? Goth ham city.
What’s the difference between an opinion and a tree’s knitting needle? One’s a point of view, the other’s a point of yew.
What cat do you get when your mother sits on a bench? A pew ma.
What’s the difference between an electric car and a doctor? One’s a Tesla, the other’s a test ahhh.
Why was the man who peed in high definition a doctor? He had a pee in HD.
What’s the difference between a prediction and a large body of water like a teacher? One’s a prophecy, the other’s a prof-ish sea.
What’s the difference between a limited amount of food and an activated skin irritation? One’s a ration, the other’s a rash, on.
What film is about refusing to do a small amount of housework? Back to the few chores.
Why did the early event in American history lead the country? It was the precedent of the United States.
Why do funguses hate innovators? Because they break the mould.
Why was the caffeinated drink that was kept as a pet so small minded? It was pet tea.
What’s the difference between something upside down, and a slightly drunk bird? One’s topsy-turvy, the other’s a tipsy turkey.
What nationality was the happy container? A merry can.
What’s the difference between a Russian and a letter that’s clearly been eaten? One’s soviet, the other’s SO V, et.
Why was the man sacking someone a let down? He was dis-appointing.
What do you call someone who refuses caffeinated drinks? Tea? Naa.
Why was the leg binder so small? He was tie knee.
Who performed the short drum solo? Fill.
Why couldn’t the man with angry eyes see properly? He was cross eyed.
Why could the inlet in pain be eaten as a dessert? It was a sore bay.
What’s the difference between curry and a man with a sixth sense? One’s tasty, the other tastes Es.
What’s the difference between the farm’s introduction of machinery and a futuristic combat robot in your eyes? One’s mechanised, the other’s a mech in eyes.
Why was the attempted vandal a three sided shape? He was a try-mangle.
What footballer was a completely untidy predator? Lion, all messy.
Why was the man who avoided the letter so shifty? He was dodge E.
What’s the difference between Rudy and an excited dolphin? One’s Rudolph, the other’s a woo dolph.
What do you call an attractive vowel? Cooorrrrr E!
Why did the disease with no gifts get worse? It was un-treated.
What’s the most important U.S. state? Main.
What do you call a narrow road? A-Lane
What’s the difference between a friend and James saying he’s normal? One’s an ally, the other’s a lie.
What’s the difference between a computer storage device and a biro’s taxi? One’s a pen drive, the other’s a pen’s drive.
What kind of virus does James Bond have on his body? Spy wear.
Why was the thuggish Daniel also a flaky scalp? He was Dan, rough.
What’s the difference between a relaxing activity and a wild parasite that lives in feces? One’s therapeutic, the other’s a feral poo tick.
What prog band is based on a highly skilled university teacher? Master Don.
How did the sexy prince travel? Hot heir balloon.
Why was Leanne banned? She was a Lee gal.
What’s the difference between a wall covering and an eye that smokes E cigarettes? One’s wallpaper, the other’s a ball vaper.
What’s the difference between someone from Glasgow and a small precious stone made from a window? One’s a Glaswegian, the other’s a glass wee gem.
Why could the world’s biggest lothario play music? He was a record player.
Why wasn’t the shadow to be trusted? It was shady.
Why was the man in the burning chair so important? He was in the hot seat.
What’s the difference between guitar notation and annoying medication? One’s tablature, the other’s a tablet chore.
What singer had a red willy? Otis red ding.
Why was the man from Czechoslovakia used as a cashpoint when he was outside? He was a Czech out.
Why was it awesome when the pyramid fell from the sky? It was wonder fall.
What’s the difference between your enemy and your sister eating? One’s a nemesis, the other’s a nommy sis.
Why did the man who looked like a saw apologise? He was saw-ry.
Why did the insult kill the sick cat? It was a put down.
Why was the man who looked like Paul ill? He was Paul-y.
What’s the difference between a flower and the silliest pterodactyl? One’s a daffodil, the other’s a dafter dyl.
What do you call Braveheart’s insincere child? Mel’s glib son.
What’s the difference between the sea and a loveable rogue? One’s nautical, the other’s naughty but cool.
What’s the difference between predictability and a man who ripped off your sibling’s large body of water? One’s consistency, the other conned your sister’s sea.
What film is about someone’s house and a borrowed sum of money? Home, a loan.
Why was the small amount of matter also a get-together and why did it wear sunglasses? It was a party, cool.
Why did the man going on his first boat journey listen to heavy metal? It was his Iron Maiden voyage.
Why was the thing that was nominated also an eating leg joint? It was a nommy knee.
Why was the man who was up for an award eaten? He was nommy-nated.
What number also thinks? Thoughty, too.
What number can’t stand being warmed up? Hatey thaw.
How was the fainter thing inside the building attacked? In was in, faded.
Why was the fiftieth wagon also an aggressive business? It was a cart L.
Why did the soft rod serve drinks? It was a bar, tender.
Why did the financial plan shunt things? It was a budge-it.
Why was the brushing of teeth also an excited youngster? It was a woo-teen!
Why did the captured soldier scream so loud? He was a prisoner of roar.
Why did the pack of three knock everyone over? It was a trip all.
Why did the Vikings tell their enemies to leave hospital whilst insulting and running towards them? It was a diss charge.
Where do fruits go when they get old? Pear homes.
Where does a piece of paper go when ripped up? A tear home.
Why did the man getting inside a payment attack someone? He went into a wage.
Why did the man go to France to drink? To French his thirst.
Why shouldn’t you go out in the non-radioactive town? It’s a no glow area.
Why do dual waste disposal unit circumstances please everybody? They’re bin-bin situations.
Which member of The Shadows went to war? Tank Marvin.
What do you call a monkey with tea and a biscuit? A dunky.
Why was the racecourse made of people getting along together used as a metronome? It was a click track.
Why did the man with tea made of gold excel in his field? He had a special tea.
Why did the man who owned a whale with a herb father have so much fun? He had a whale of a thyme.
Why was the collection of seas also a strategy? It was a poly-sea.
What dictator was a star-fish hybrid? Star ling.
Why did the man have so many fruits in his mouth? They were cram-berries.
Why did the man who marked Jennifer again come back to life? He re-Jenna rated.
Why was the entrance maker so strong? He was doorable.
Why did the spirit in the sky smell so nice? It was an airo soul.
Why is Matt Bellamy’s air blower so tuneful? It’s Muse-y cool.
Why was Linda a dwarfish creature when spitting? She was a gob-Lin.
Why did the dentist hygiene appointment cause a power cut? It was a plaque out.
What food do you get when Sally does maths? A Sal add.
Why did the bee get arrested before it did anything? It was a sting operation.
What did Dio listen to when map reading? The way Dio.
Why did the man who kicked a beggar make a first step in his career? He had a foot in the poor.
Why was the man with no scales so impatient? He couldn’t weight.
Why did the man cutting up cheese have so much fun? He had a grate time.
What sport do you get when a pheasant has no hair? A bald game.
What fruit do you get when Terrance is sad? A blue Terry.
What’s the difference between the forth month of the year and a primate’s last request? One’s April, the other’s an ape’s will.
What’s the difference between a rainforest and that event that forces people to do chores in wet weather? One’s pouring with rain, the other’s boring with rain.
Why do you get sweets when bogs are relaxed? They’re marsh mellows.
Where does Ali go when he wants attention? It’s Ali!
Where did the woman’s car come from? A lass car.
What’s the difference between a waxy light and a high up object positioned by a noob? One’s a candle the other can fall.
What item of clothing do you get when Dana is blacklisted? A banned Dana.
What does Kim Jong-un call his job? A Korea.
What’s the difference between a succession of rulers from the same family and a foolish meat pie? One’s a dynasty, the other’s a dim pasty.
Why do tramps have bad teeth? They have bum disease.
Why is tea made from cauliflowers so good? It’s cauli-tea.
What country ripped off the start? The con go.
Why was the easy to catch ball unfortunate? It was re-getable.
What food do you get when someone screams at a fence? A wall nut.
Why wasn’t the absentee a gift? He wasn’t present.
Why was the smell of the weapon foreign sounding? It was an axe scent.
Why did the prince blow on his chair? He was an air to the throne.
Why didn’t the fraudulent electrician make any sense? He was con fusing.
How do married women on drugs greet each other? High wives.
What’s the difference between a cellar and someone confused by a talking low pitched instrument? One’s a basement, the other wonders what the bass meant.
Why was the weapon damage unintentional? It was an axey dent.
What part of the psyche activates laters? The E go.
What condition do middle aged fruit collectors fear? Pear loss.
Why is the authentic knight so dreamy? He’s Sir Real.
Why was the ball with hearing and vision so mature? It was sense-y ball.
What do you call someone with a confident lawn? Shawn.
What do you call the most visible person in the world? Max Seen.
What’s the difference between a tropical storm and a brain copy? One’s a cyclone, the other’s a psych clone.
What car do you get when Lee has a broken back? A bent Lee.
What’s the difference between a tube that’s wide at the top and a goofy letter? One’s a funnel, the other’s a fun L.
Why was Maria the optician so groundbreaking? She was a vision-Mary.
Why didn’t the unemployed guitar maker worry? He didn’t fret.
Why was the car made of sprouts so powerful? It was a Brussels car.
Why did the ill man indoors have a funerary box? He had a cough, in.
What do you call someone made of cheese? Brie Anna.
What’s the difference between Blink 182 and a foot garment in coffee? One’s punk rock, the other’s a dunked sock.
What mountain won the race? Mount Rushmore.
What do you call someone with a distant mother? Ma-far.
What do you get when you cross a computer with pepperoni? Mac-eroni.
What do you call a man with an eye in the shape of a letter? L eye sir.
Why was the man with writing on his neck a working class American? He was a read neck.
What’s the difference between a grass cutter, and a man who protects a letter? One’s a gardener, the other’s guardin’ R.
What’s the difference between a tremolo arm and a pub that serves pork? One’s a whammy barm the other’s a hammy bar.
What did Justin Bieber eat when messing around on his guitar? Pop noodle.
What did Justin Bieber eat when beginning his performance? Pop starts.
Why was the man made of a loaf a working class American? He was a bread neck.
What do railways wear when it’s cold? Tracksuits.
How did the fireplace get access to Facebook? It logged in.
Why was the PC that made broths so powerful? It was a souper computer.
Why was the knight in bed a beam of light? He was a lay Sir.
Why do cold people polish numbers? For the sum shine.
Who’s the only guitarist who is a horse’s leg? Steed thigh.
What bird do you get when a small truck fires a beam of light? A ray van.
What food do you get when you look at the Foo Fighter’s feet? Toe Foo.
Why wasn’t the dropped caffeinated drink very good? It was fall tea.
Where do opticians come from? Eyeland.
What mythical creature do you get when you buy a really cheap paddle? A cent oar.
Why did the insulted ink stand out? It was dissed ink.
Why was the facial hair so strange? It was beard.
Why was it a huge event when the pear shaped fruit was skinned? It was a fig peel.
Why did Megadeth turn into a periodical when they were observed? They were a Mega seen.
Why was the teddy bear made of fruit old? It was date Ted.
Where do sheep rule? Baaa reign.
Where do baby pigs come from? New Ham.
Why did the boozer fail when he went to the toilet? He was a loo-zer.
Why could the typical nuclear power plant see into the future? It was power normal.
What do you call the world’s biggest cat? Maxi-puss.
Why did the shrewd ball eat another ball? It was a canny ball.
Why did the second wah wah pedal hold so much water? It was a reserve wah.
Why did the strong wine think so deeply? It was thoughtyfied.
Why did the man wanting to move on with life shut the door? To get closure.
What comedian has leaves in breezes as his trademark? Rustle Brand.
What element do you get when a fool can’t feel anything? Prattynumb.
Why was the spice that was driven one and a half kilometres not too hot? It was miled.
Why was the hungry person also a lump? He was a chew more.
Why was the most excited man not to be trusted? He was a woo more.
Why did the man who made his own choices also think last requests shouldn’t cost anything? He believed in free wills.
What airport did Garfield buy the candle? Catwick.
Why did the dealer hurt the ant? For the ant eek!
What element do you get when your mother points a gun? Your-aimy-mum.
Why are tacky glasses amazing? They’re spec-tackular.
Why was the man invited to the party so unsure? He was a guess.
What clothes do you get when someone steals a credit card? Cardy-gones.
Why was the can’s leg joint so shrewd? It was can knee.
Why were the steams on the opticians so positive? They were opti-mists.
Why was the saxophonist teddy bear constipated? It was blow ted.
What ice creams do magazines eat before undergoing surgery? Mag numbs.
What’s the difference between America’s national anthem and someone who disallows disfigured spas? One’s the Star Spangled Banner, the other’s the spa mangle banner.
What guitarist threw the fruit? Chuck Berry.
Where aren’t you allowed to be unsure? Errr ban areas.
What’s the difference between a mushy person and an ancient warrior’s wacky actions? One’s a romantic, the other’s a Roman’s antics.
Why is the half-built grave also a 2 D animation? It’s a part-tomb.
Why was Bill the insect so impressive? He was Billy ant.
Why couldn’t Paul Evans go to work? He was Paul E.
Why was the film about blowing up the foot garment so successful? It was a sock buster.
What do people in the ghetto say when they make a mistake? ‘Slums’.
Why was the graffitiing fish also a shop? It was a mark-it plaice.
What do you call someone who asks people how tough they are? How ‘ard?
Why did the man who was slow at making glasses make an educated guess? He spec-u-lated.
What do you call a boxer that can’t punch very hard and smells of burgers? A quarter pounder.
Where do doorbells get rated? Bell Grade.
Why was the 4th tie so orderly? It was tie D.
Why was Lee the policeman so methodical? He was order Lee.
Why did the man made of dried leaves and furniture work at a school? He was a tea chair.
What was Mr. Big called when he got older? Mr. Wig.
Why was the tall cleaner so excessive? He was over the mop.
Why wasn’t the goalie embarrassed when he stopped the head being kicked into the net? He saved face.
What strange drug is also a procedure? The meth, odd.
What animal did Kenneth turn into when in drag? A chick Ken.
Why was the chef-approved ketchup trustworthy? It was a reliable sauce.
Why did the chef put a shirt on the tomato? For the salad dressing.
Why did Ian travel in a spaceship when he was anemic? He was a pale Ian.
Why did Ian travel in a spaceship when he told a lie? He was a tale Ian.
What’s the difference between a brick layer and something that’s obviously an invoice? One’s a builder, the other’s a bill, der.
When did William desert the battle? When the army fired at Will.
Why did the army destroy the man’s last wishes? They fired at will.
Why was the discarded container good with swords? It was a bin-jar.
What does a door eat whilst on a sunny holiday? Tan doory.
What do you call a bird on the toilet? Hen wee.
Why was everyone protected from illness when the warrior pulled out his weapon? It was an axe seen.
What do you call a Frenchman who stands on a puddle of urine? On wee.
Why was the water so easy to understand? It was clear.
What’s the difference between a deceptive person and someone who was told his teeth were great? One’s two faced, the other tooth aced.
What star is also a grumpy insect? Serious Bee.
What singer kept her hat in the bottom of the well? Jennifer low fez.
Why did people receive gifts in the lounge? It was a giving room.
Where do people go when they are about to perform and get wise advice about spines? The back sage area.
Why did the teacher punch the broth? To make a stew dent.
What do you call someone who keeps limbs? Leg-ory.
Why do people eat so much on the Christian festival? It’s feaster.
What do you call a comedian dog who misuses vowels? Wrong-E Barker.
Why was the letter on the diet so wise? It was N, lightened.
What instrument did the cool letter play? The chill-O.
Why did the nice man with a disease command the army? He was a SARS gent.
Why did the man get drunk on the 5th trademark? It was brand E.
Why was the man stung by the second insect? It was B.
Why did people ponder so hard over 14 days? It was a thought night.
Why did the coin turn into a dog when it was painted a dull colour? It was a grey pound.
What do you call a brown bird? Da-wren.
Why was the man sad when a ribbon was in his hand? He was feeling bow.
Why was the husband’s hat on the wheel? It was a hub cap.
Why was the money spent on toys squishy and multicoloured? It was play dough.
Why was the policeman on top of the skyscraper annoyed? He was fed up.
Why was the Italian wackiness so sentimental? It was a Rome antic.
What’s the difference between a Mediterranean fruit and English, igneous rock? One’s a pomegranate, the other’s Pommy granite.
What’s the difference between an authoritarian government and laser denim? One’s a regime, the other’s a ray jean.
What’s the difference between a holy building and a man with flu? One’s a chapel, the other’s a chap, ill.
What country do fed up cats come from? Sigh puss.
How did the evil Bert promote the company? He was a bad Bert.
What do you call a vowel that is different? E diff.
How did the 7th bun jump? Bun G.
What’s the difference between someone who made an assumption and someone who drank vowels? One supposed, the other supped O’s.
What’s the difference between a film about Native Americans, and a vase with ashes and spilt pasta in it? One’s a spaghetti Western, the other’s a spaghetti-messed urn.
What do you call the knowledge of how to go fast? Wiz-dom.
Why was it criminally negligent when Alan was playing scales? It was Al practice.
Why did the blind man split the atom? For the nuclear vision.
Why was the long, upright toe the full amount? It was a toe, tall.
What animal do you get when you put the 26th pan on your chin? A chin pan Z. (Pronounced ‘zee’).
What’s the difference between an enlarged object and a goblin just released from hospital? One’s augmented, the other’s orc mended.
What’s the difference between lots of fun and a huge water mammal that comes from a herb? One’s a whale of a time, the other’s a whale of thyme.
Where is the most scummy dam? Rotter Damn.
What’s the difference between a victory cup, and one of those payments made to a part of a foot? One’s a trophy, the other’s a toe fee.
What do you call someone who gives religious eduction on highland? Hill R.E.
What’s the difference between something that’s important, and the act of turning into a dessert? One’s a priority, the other’s pie-ority.
Why did the painkiller shape-shift? It was morph-ine.
What do you call someone who says thank you to pee? Wee-ta.
How do you feed portable communication devices? With mobile baps.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a fed up toilet cleaner? One’s a GP, the other says ‘gee, pee.’
What’s the difference between a gun with ammo and a skeleton in a well? One’s loaded, the other’s low, dead.
Why did the man with the activated item in his hand set a trend? He caught on.
Why was the second plan about insects? It was plan bee.
What group of chefs were seen in the apocalypse? The four sauce men.
Why did the man fall ill after grabbing the woodwind instrument? He caught the flute.
What rapper bit on the container? Chew Pack.
Why was the utensil’s funeral after 11:59 AM? It was the after spoon.
What do you call a sick Prime Minister? Tony Blueeeeergh.
What do you call a speeding Prime Minster? Tony Blur.
How do malformed cats destroy their enemies? With paw-heads.
Why were the baked dishes sold in the avenue so cautious? They were street pies.
What’s the difference between a very upset person and a snake that works in an office? One’s hysterical, the other’s hiss-clerical.
How did the blue gangster die? Smurf war.
Why was the spirit flavoured chocolate so musical? It was a rum bar.
What did the boats with repeated writings on them wear? Spam decks.
Why did king Henry VIII bite on the entrance? He was a chew door.
Why did the damaged pen nib last two days? It was a weak end.
Why could the keeper of kind Stan’s mother keep going? He had good Stanley-ma.
Why was the act of pouring cold liquids so expected? It was tippy cool.
Why was the man mixing pelvises trendy? He was a hip stir.
Why was the double company chocolatey? It was co-co.
Why was the dismantled water supply ill? It was un-well.
What song played when stormy weather blew the pennies away? Wind of Change.
Why couldn’t the man getting pecked on the head resist the chocolate? He was beak-minded.
Why could the child’s leg joint filter blood? It was a kid knee.
What snooker player deals winged insects? Mark Sell Bee.
Why was the man who made his own mist on the mountain so confident? He had high self-steam.
Where do people who figure out their old lovers come from? Suss ex.
What’s the difference between a man who awakened and a culturally sensitive man on a mountain? One woke up, the other’s woke, up.
Where do square shaped block makers come from? Cuber.
Why was Marty Friedman used as a drink as a child? He was Mart-teeny.
What actor keeps a small amount of insects? David Ten Ants.
Why was the man with Pritt Stick in his hand sad? He was feeling glue.
Why wasn’t the aircraft perfect? There was a hatch.
Why was the clothing destroyer so strong? It was robe bust.
What country do you get when you hurt a snake? Sssssssss-pain.
What’s the difference between a chance and a caffeinated drink of Bill’s gang? One’s a possibility, the other’s Billy’s posse tea.
What’s the difference between a short amount of time and what Morris tried to say? One’s a moment, the other’s what Moe meant.
What’s the difference between a Nordic country and a lair of vegetables? One’s Sweden, the other’s a swede den.
Why was the activity that used no energy obvious? It was a no drainer.
What insurance company was a loyal if stupid chocolate snack? Allied dumb bar.
Why was the man in the land of apologising Texans in such a bad situation? He was in a sorry state.
Why was it proved a man was actually a yellow cream when someone shouted ‘PRICK!’ at him? He was cussed hard.
What’s the difference between a skilled policeman, and someone who gets a corn crisp for getting people arrested? One has a knack for solving crimes, the other has a Nik Nak for solving crimes.
What’s the difference between distress and Star Wars Day? One’s dismay, the other’s this May.
Why do people talk in fuel-selling establishments? They’re gas stations.
Why did the boy chewing on bubble gum get detention? He was a bubble maker.
What’s the difference between and a large Scottish lake, and the state of being a lock? One’s Loch Ness, the other’s lockness.
What’s the difference between the king and a small female? One’s regal, the other’s a wee gal.
Why was the happiness helper also a fruity soft drink? It was cheery aid.
Why was Billy the bird not allowed? It was Bill eagle.
Why was the good looking soup so amazing? It was soup reem.
What foods worship God whilst bent over? Pray leans.
Why was the chicken yard that touched mouths, used for art? It was a felt lip pen.
What’s the difference between Bach and someone who rips people off whilst smiling at cameras? One’s a composer, the other’s a con poser.
What’s the difference between a paranoid military group and a pork snack? One’s a prepper army, the other’s a Peperami.
What’s the difference between professional wrongdoing and a group of friends jamming? One’s malpractice, the other’s pal practice.
What actress never tidies her car? Messycar Alba.
Why did the building destroyer get into trouble? He was a rubble maker.
What do you get when you cross a hooligan with a stiff piece of paper? A cardigan.
What’s the difference between a strategy and a poorly dressed parasite? One’s a tactic, the other’s a tacky tick.
What’s the difference between a self released album and The Stone Roses’s jewellery, freed from prison? One’s independently released, the other’s an indie pendent, released.
Why is it so smart when you rub an extremely clever person? It’s a stroke of genius.
What drink do you get when Mel Gibson performs in films? Act-y Mel.
What composer boasted of his wok? Show Pan.
What’s it called when someone with Asperger’s syndrome hates paintings? Artism.
Why was the man who ate the Scottish county so lively? He was full of Fife.
How did the artist get into the airforce? Ace painting.
Why was it obvious when the land open to the public could see? It was common sense.
What do you call a friendly Beethoven? Mate-hoven.
What do you call Beethoven at dinner? Plate-Hoven.
What do you call a Swedish drummer who keeps black and white mammals? Pandas Johansson.
Why did the fire on the spine go wrong? It back fired.
What time of year is it when it’s possibly someone’s stomach? … Or tum.
What do you call a rubbish comedian? Mirthless.
Why was the rip-off, wacky sea also an evil plan? It was a con silly sea.
What football team burnt the country house down? Arson Villa.
Where do moths come from? Bornmoth.
Why couldn’t Beth’s ex husband talk? He was out of Beth.
How do old ladies tell jewellery to go away? The say ‘bling go’.
Why did the bodybuilder make the piles look at him? For the stare ‘roids.
What’s the difference between a diner and a rubbish letter? One’s a cafe, the other’s a naff A.
Where did Stanley get put into a briefcase? Packy Stan.
Why was the bullet that didn’t hit Terrence so hard to understand? It was a miss-Terry.
Why was it life-threatening when the wound was judgemental? It was a critical injury.
Why did the small area of land feel pain? It was an acher.
Why couldn’t the hair brushing toes move? They were comber toes.
What’s the difference between 1,000 and sand belonging to a bird? One’s a thousand, the other’s a fowl’s sand.
What’s the difference between a 13 year old and a cruel person who makes people older? One’s a teenager, the other’s a mean ager.
What magazine do homeless fighter pilots sell? Mig Issue.
What day of the week do women never see? Guy day.
What’s the difference between a basic concept and someone who gives money to schizophrenics? One’s fundamental, the other funds
the mental.
What’s the different between something great and a gifted ant? One excellent, the other’s an excel ant.
Why was the guitarist so scary? He was fret-ening.
What language do vase makers speak? Minglish.
What do you call someone who owns a strong wind? Gust have.
Where did Bach live when made monarch? Bach king.
What do you call the twelve lion? Lion L.
Why did the man with rabies avoid greeting Joanne? He had hi Joe phobia.
What’s the difference between a healthy mind and a fully functioning digestive system? One’s wellbeing, the other’s well peeing.
What’s the difference between something funny and a pig being thoughtful? One’s amusing, the other’s ham, musing.
What chocolate bars have pieces of pets in them? Kit cats.
What wars were about fizzy drinks on ferries? The cruise-ades.
What’s the difference between an online service provider and someone surprised to see Eleanor? One’s AOL, the other says ‘Hey ho, Elle!’
When did the man with a toothache at the beach scream in pain? The year ‘tooth ow, sand!’
What’s the difference between something getting less popular, and a queue of people called ‘Richard’? One’s a decline, the other’s a
Dick line.
What’s the difference between a bird and a room with ventilation sometimes on? One’s a canary, the other can be airy.
Why do frauds have digestion problems? They’re con-stipated.
What’s the difference between a repair and the most important few insects? One’s maintenance, the others are the main ten ants.
What do you call the biggest bacteria? Germ main.
What do you call a lady who lives on a ceiling? Roof.
How did James Joyce celebrate when he became a father? He re-Joyced.
What’s the difference between a verbal attack and a group of people making people thinner? One’s diatribe, the other’s a diet tribe.
What’s the difference between an annoying clever person and someone who over promotes Noel? One’s a know it all, the other’s a Noel it all.
What do you call someone who wears clothes with logos on? Brand On.
Why were people told to avoid the place with brands everywhere? It was a logo area.
What African cat spent the most time in the clothes store? The try-on.
What’s the difference between high pitched singing and a fake toe that’s been eaten? One’s falsetto, the other’s a false et toe.
Why was the smokey atmosphere so self-satisfied? It was smug.
How did the guitar destroyer save the world? He eliminated the fret.
Why was the guitar neck a hostile statement when it had nothing to do? It was a threat, bored.
When does grass celebrate? Its turf day.
In what country do people always say no? The never lands.
In what state did Corey disappear? Corey-gone.
What breakfast burnt Ethan Landry? The sear E.L.
How did the grassy cheese maker wash his clothes? He did his lawn brie.
Why didn’t the non-guitarist worry? He didn’t fret.
Why did people do gymnastics when the man was insulted? It was a sir cuss.
Why was the destroyer of the horse’s home crazy? He was un stable.
Why didn’t the incompetent knitter get the job? He was un-suitable.
What do people feel when they’re in what looks like a pit? Pity.
Why was it tense when someone lied about flicking something? It was con flicked.
What mythical creature do you get when Linda spits? A gob Lynn.
What’s the difference between an obsession and a French fish? One’s a passion, the other’s a poisson.
What’s the difference between something done at the same time as something else, and a man eaten by a cruel, huge sea creature? One’s in the meanwhile, the other’s in the mean whale.
How did the trainspotter chop the tree down? With a train saw.
What do outraged people listen to? Heck no.
What animal is made from pieces of a letter? A kit N.
What bath do you get when you cut a relaxation up? A sawn ahhhhhh.
What band is a good cinema? Reem Theatre.
Why was the man attacked by the cat so still? He was pawsd.
Why did Bethany have a heart attack when she teleported straight to work? It was sudden Beth.
Why was the man who prepared the prince for being king so cool? He was an heir conditioner.
What’s the difference between a Fight Club actor and an awesome glue? One’s Brat Pitt, the other’s rad Pritt Stick.
Why was the man in a sandwich so evil? He was sub human.
What’s the difference between Lawrence and the E in France? One’s Larry, the other’s la E.
What’s the difference between a group of symptoms and an adulterous bee? One’s a syndrome, the other’s a sin drone.
Why did the burnt letter apologise? It was sore E.
What’s the difference between a written agreement and rubbish farm equipment? One’s a contract, the other’s a con tractor.
Why was Alan weak when fed? He was Al nourished.
What exercise do you get when you cross a chocolate bar with pens? Aero-bics.
What city stole the cat’s meow? Mew-nick.
What Asian State visits royal mansions? Palace Time!
What do Germans say when eating their favourite chocolate? Wonder bar!
What do you call someone who keeps his leg joints in a pub? Bar Knee.
What fluid do you get when an old flame is stuck in traffic? Late ex.
What restaurant uses bread from OAPs? Nan doughs.
What’s the difference between a drink and Beverly in a bush? One’s a beverage, the other’s Bev in a hedge.
What do you call a girl who agrees with Ks? K-yaaa.
What do you call the deep knowledge of soda? Fizzdom.
What punk band kept receiving junk emails? The Spammed.
Why did the man who looked after the building leave the old people to die? He was a care taker.
Why did the event happen when it stole the fish? It took plaice.
In what city did the bottle run away? Glass Go.
What felony do you get when you’re fed up and cold? Sigh brrrrr crime.
In what area does Richard feel insulted? The diss Rick.
Why was there a recording of the football match? There was footage.
What do you call a woman who works with tar? Tar-er.
What’s the difference between a badly dressed child and a cake that listens to Indian music? One’s a ragamuffin, the other’s a raga muffin.
What music played at the start of the big bang? Pop.
What card game to you get when the sun is ripped up? Solar tear.
What’s the difference between a runway and the sky being poked? One’s an airfield, the other’s air feeled.
What’s the difference between long, French bread and an eaten container? One’s a baguette, the other’s a bag, et.
What’s the difference between a puppy and an entrance that works? One’s adorable, the other’s a door, able.
Why do opticians make great journalists? They’re re-viewers.
What do you call someone who notes down number plates? Reg.
Why was the man so agreeable when he lost the use of his brain? He didn’t mind.
What’s the difference between the happiest place on Earth and the world of leg joints? One’s Disneyland, the other ’tis knee land.
Why did the psychologist never grow old? He was Jung.
What’s the difference between a hoofed mammal and Domenic’s door opener? One’s a donkey, the other’s a Dom key.
What’s the difference between falling own the stairs and a boomerang? One’s regrettable, the other’s re-gettable.
Where did Kenneth go when saying ‘yes’? Ken ya.
What’s the difference between a country in the Balkans, and baldness that affects birds? One’s Croatia, the other’s crow alopecia.
What do you call an overweight mother? Fatty Ma.
What’s the difference between a zombie and Leroy the fun-loving naturist? One’s barely alive, the other’s bare Lee, alive.
What’s the difference between a positive state of mind and something that’s clearly the Loch Ness Monster? One’s wellness, the other’s well Ness.
Why did the lazy person smash up the caffeinated drink? For the tea break.
What do you call someone who runs away from the optical organ? Leave Eye.
What’s the difference between 123, 213 and a motorbike fitted with carpet-friendly wheels? One’s an inversion, the other’s an in version.
How do pigs attack people? Hammers.
What’s the difference between a spikey rodent and bad farming equipment? One’s a porcupine, the other’s a poor combine harvester.
Where do you find interesting stories about beer? Booze papers.
What’s the difference between a phrase showing excitement, and a dairy animal used as a house? One’s cowabunga!, the other’s cow, a bungalow.
What actor lives in an excellent hole? Rad Pit.
What country do you look at? You gander.
Why did the internet company put eyes on the motor? To make a search engine.
What do you call someone who drew the same thing over and over again? Spamdrew.
Why did the man morph when giving pennies away? He changed.
Why did the man who smelt of a weapon stand out? He had an axe scent.
What’s the difference between an O dressed in rags, and a tortilla with meat in? One’s a tacky O, the other’s a taco.
What game do Australian marsupials that will die play? Mortal Wombat.
What primates save lives? Re-sus monkeys.
What do you call the mother of a letter? M Ma.
Why was the seat in the distance? It was so-far.
What do you call someone who looks like a biro? Pen-ny.
Why was the man with a good email provider so positive? He had a good Outlook.
Why did the Ferrari make a broth? It was a souper car.
What’s the difference between an American motorbike manufacturer and Mr. Davidson when he’s not feeling himself? One’s a Harley Davidson, the other’s hardly Davidson.
What’s the difference between a heavy metal fan and a rusty fire engine? One’s a headbanger, the other’s a red banger.
What’s the difference between a nice person and a teddy bear with eyesight? One’s sensitive, the other’s a sensey-ted.
Why did the coin abuser save so much money? He was a penny pincher.
What’s the difference between Abba and stilton as far as you can see? One’s cheesy, the other’s a cheese sea.
What’s the difference between getting punched and a mother doing the washing? One’s trauma, the other’s a chore ma.
What country do electronic messages gather? The United Pingdom.
What music company also sells boats? Row Land.
What’s the difference between techno and a criminal robot being punished? One’s electronica, the other’s electronic karma.
Why was the relaxed mother also justice? She was calm ma.
What Street Fighter character questioned why someone was amazed? Why oo?
What number do Germans say when refusing tea? Nein tea!
Why was the container filled with small numbers so terrible? It was four-full.
Why did Alice flick her switch when she wanted to use her full name? So she could be Alice-on.
What Judas Priest song alienated their European audience? Spain Killer.
What medicinal plant did Vera turn into when greeted? ‘ello Vera.
What do you call someone who shares fur? Our Fur.
Why was Edward used as a remedy when he thieved? It was Eddie sin.
Why did Jeff elongate his name when he was released from jail? He was Jeff Free.
What’s the difference between Lawrence and a French vowel? One’s Larry, the other’s la E.
Why was the song written by the rabbit, in the barber shop? It was a hare cut.
Why did the man with the exceptionally hairy toes hate shoes? He went bear foot.
Why was there paper all around when people only payed for programs they watched? It was paper view.
Why was it loud when the shout was left in the sun? It was a tan ‘Oi!’
Why did everyone celebrate when painting? It was arty time!
What scenery do you get when the horse can hardly be bothered to speak? Neigh chore.
What music do you get when Samuel acts like a sheep? A Sam baaa.
What do you say to hooligans you want to cheer up? There’s a fight at the end of the tunnel.
What’s the difference between an embarrassing mistake and your enemy in the distance? One’s a faux pa, the other’s a foe, far.
Why was the man who was turned into a strawberry so scared? He was berry-fied.
What does Bethany listen to when she’s feeling unstoppable? Mega Beth.
Why is Beth so openminded? Because she’s Beth any.
Why did Bethany kill so many people when she was covered in soot? It was the black Beth.
What’s the difference between something’s that’s definite, and a knighted can? One’s certain, the other’s Sir tin.
Why are raised hairs above the eye so intellectual? Their high brows.
Where does the king go when he’s angry? Buckingham malice.
Why was stinging insect so modest? It was a humble bee.
Why could it have gone badly or well when someone was forced to choose Bethany or fame? It was Beth or glory.
What’s the difference between a legend and a madman? One’s a hero, the other hears Os.
What’s the difference between a Lord of the Rings wizard and Alfred having a look? One’s Gandalf, the other’s a gander Alf.
What singer looks like an eye? Billie Eye-ish.
How was Edward punished when on the floor? He was ground Ed.
Why was the subject of the clock inevitable? It was a matter of time.
What’s the difference between a drug for the heart, and technology-hating religious people with electronic watches? One’s digitalis, the others are digital Amish.
Why was the poorly man used as a place of worship? He was a chap, ill.
What band wrote about inviting a winged insect for a meal? You bee, for tea.
Why are Pantera CDs so cheap and common? They’re a Dimebag a dozen.
Why wasn’t the man in a hurry when the herb wasn’t moving? There was still thyme.
What’s the difference between a conformist and a harbour visited by writers? One’s orthodox, the other’s an author dock.
What do you call a group of people called ‘Louis’ as far as the eye can see? Lou Sea.
What do you call someone who smokes keyboards? High on synth.
What’s the difference between something multiplied by two, and what all diners hate? One’s double, the other’s da bill.
What does a kidney bean turn into when it’s older? A bean bag.
Why was the man who decided for himself to sit so smug? He was self-satisfied.
What’s the difference between a minotaur and an overly friendly auctioneer? One’s a hybrid, the other says ‘hi’ to bids.
Why did the genius poke so many people? He was a prod-igy.
Why was the brain surgery patient so understanding? He was open minded.
What’s the difference between raw fish and someone taking legal action against a woman? One’s sushi, the other sued she.
What’s the difference between seclusion and an average grade for a motorist? One’s privacy, the other’s a driver C.
What do you call Annabel living as a hermit? Herm-Anne.
Why was the man above the queue unhealthy? He was over wait.
What’s the difference between a respected person and a teddy bear that loves to party? One’s knighted, the other’s a night ted.
Why was the bad neighbourhood in the dark loved by the king? It was a night hood.
What do you call an ignorant swine? A pigot.
Why was the slimming man so interested? He was fast-inated.
Why was the compulsive liar trusted? He was re-lie-able.
How did Bethany take over the universe in Star Wars? With the Beth Star.
What’s the difference between WW1, and a dog with a peace sign on its foot? One was the war to end all wars, the other has the paw to end all wars.
Why was the reasonable dog’s foot warlike? It was paw fair.
Why was the robbed pet store owner so precious? He was mice-less.
Why did the anxious person put green seeds on his brain? For the peas of mind.
What’s the difference between a nostalgic person and a demented opinion? One’s sentimental, the other’s a sentiment, mental.
What’s the difference between an Italian city and a vowel putting on a huge display? One’s Pompeii, the other’s a pomp A.
What’s the difference between an Italian city and an arrogant vowel? One’s Pompeii, the other’s a pompous A.
Why did the gravy in the caffeinated drink attract objects? It as gravy tea.
What’s the difference between the wealth of a country and someone who ripped off Emily through electricity? One’s the economy, the other E-conned Emmy.
What instrument got rid of Joseph? The ban Joe.
Where did everyone rob each other in the Summer? The sinning pool.
Why was everyone electrocuted in the heatwave? It was stunner time.
Why was everyone disappointed in the heatwave? It was bummer time.
What’s the difference between the first month of the year and someone who wonders if Janice is in a well ventilated room? One’s January, the other asks ‘Jan, you airy?’
What was Lee called when he was cremated? Ash Lee.
What’s the difference between a peak and excellent chest muscles? One’s an apex, the others are A pecs.
What do you call a letter from the underworld? Hell N.
What contest do you get when you give eyes to European money? Euro vision.
Where do pet stores get their income? Money rabbits.
Why was the flying insect in the pub also a plastic model? It was a bar bee.
What musician was an honest laser shooter? Frank Zapper.
What film did the man watch after getting laser eye surgery? Saw.
Why was the relaxing leg joint inevitable? It was rester-knee.
Why was Leroy so dangerous when he passed away? He was dead Lee.
What’s the difference between chocolate and a positive Deanna? One’s candy, the other’s a can Dee.
Why did the movie stars gather around Holly’s tree? It was Holly wood.
Why was the side of a flying insect put on an album? It was a bee-side.
What’s the difference between the rubbing of skin and a group of people saying ‘arrrrge’? One’s a massage, the other’s a mass arrrge.
What drummer told a circle to feature in a film? Ring, go star!
What’s the difference between a smell and Faye when she’s hypnotised? One’s a fragrance, the other’s a Faye trance.
What fruit do you get when you combine Springtime with a baby’s bed? An Aprilcot.
What chef keeps crashing into the letter? Gordon Rams E.
What’s the difference between artificial intelligence and a confused eyeball? One’s A.I., the other’s an eh? eye.
Why did the army want Johnny Depp to be awake? So he could be used as a Depp-on.
Why did the condemned man feel so awful? He was hung, over.
Why was Edward the criminal bent over? He was crook Ed.
What’s the difference between Joe, and Seth going into a black hole? One’s Joseph, the other’s no Seth.
Why was the man standing on bathroom tissue consistently successful? He was on a toilet roll.
What boxer was also an electronics AND pottery company? Casio Clay.
Why was the persistent person so good at rugby? He retried.
What vegetable do you get when you don’t bother a snake? Let hiss.
What’s the difference between a castle and part of a foot coming out of a bum? One’s a chateau the other’s a shat toe.
What’s the difference between 666 and numbers found on restaurant menus? One’s the number of the beast, the others are the numbers of the feast.
What’s the difference between an opponent and a questioning Valerie? One’s a rival, the other’s a why? Val.
What’s the difference between a declaration and a fish clarifying things? One’s a statement, the other’s what the skate meant.
When did the naughty student dismantle the portable shelter? De-tention.
What do you call someone who agrees with Lee? ‘kay Lee…
Why did the pondering warrior only live for fourteen days? He was a thought knight.
What music do you get when a vehicle votes? Poll car.
How did the cheeky person kill others? He a’sassy-nated them.
Why did the entrance for the vowel smell? It was an O door.
What bird do you get when you rip off a friend? A palcon.
How did the man save others when he jumped in the bag of grain? He sack-of-riced himself.
What’s the difference between an administrator and a precious vase collector? One’s an admin, the other adds Mings.
What’s the difference between a teetotaller and an average bear? One’s sober, the other’s a so-so bear.
Why did the pilot get in the axe? It was a chopper.
Why did the chair say ‘hello’ in the Summer? It was a seat wave.
What’s the difference between a car washer and someone kind of hitting a ball with a racket? One’s a service, the other’s serve-ish.
Why did the cost deduction keep track of all the insults? It was a diss count.
What’s the difference between an annoying person and equipment for a hippopotamus? One’s a hypocrite, the other’s a hippo kit.
What do you call the fifth toilet? Loo E.
What bombs do all Catholics fear? Weapons of Mass destruction.
Why was Leroy so energetic when he was resurrected? He was live Lee.
What’s the difference between something that does something by itself, and a parasite that lives in a car’s carpet? One’s automatic, the other’s an auto-mat tick.
In what continent do people approve of artwork by insects? Ant art ticker.
What do you call a cross between a winged insect and a snail? Shell Bee.
What band put a group of wooden ships in a burger? Fleet wood Mac.
What’s the difference between a life form and the hatred of kidneys? One’s an organism, the other’s organism.
What’s the difference between an unlikely event and a mischievous sprite that’s blind? One’s improbable, the other’s an imp, robbable.
When do paddles get wind on them? Oar gust.
What’s the difference between a procrastinator and a grizzly bear? One’s passive aggressive, the other’s massive aggressive.
Why did the rotting man disbelieve? He was a’septic.
Why was the man energetic when he was made essential again? He was re-vitalised.
What’s the difference between deafness and shiny stuff on your ears? One’s hearing loss, the other’s hearing gloss.
Why was the fellow musician not allowed? He was a banned mate.
What did Marcus write with when he was made immortal? A permanent Marker.
How did the indecisive man die? A change of heart attack.
What’s the difference between a coloured pencil and an activated gangster? One’s a crayon, the other’s a Kray twin, on.
Why did no one understand the numbered piece of paper? It was a baffle ticket.
Why was the funky music removal company discontinued? It was de-funked.
Why did the elongated insult eventually stop? It was diss continued.
What president stole someone’s child? Richard nick son.
What birds think electricity is no fun? Volt chores.
What do call a girl with extreme anxiety? Sofear.
Why was the goodbye rubbish? It was so long. (Long is slang fo rubbish).
What TV presenter is an expert at brick laying? Gregg Wall Ace.
What city has the most children of Melanie? Mel born.
Why was the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’s clone so full of life? He was re-Freshed.
How did the precious metal die? Gold age.
What sweets are used to fight crime? Mob stoppers.
When does the sun feel most depressed? Sun down.
Why did the man giving instructions to millions of pounds predict the future? He was a fortune teller.
Where do entrances become hard? Door set.
What’s the difference between later on and excessive darkness? One’s tonight, the other’s too night.
Was was the far away herb in the future? It was in a different thyme zone.
Where is Montgomery’s vehicle when it’s in a pit? Monty car low.
What do impatient drummers play? Now bells.
Why was the man confident and drunk when patting the bee? He had touch courage.
What’s the difference between a full rotation, and a horrible drink you don’t have to pay for? One’s a 360, the other’s free sick tea.
What singer set fire to Bill Bailey’s car? Blaze Bayley.
Why is the agitated gift right here, right now? It’s the present, tense.
Why was the town of jumping people so dangerous? It was a pogo area.
What was Donkey Kong called after falling down the stairs? Wonky Kong.
Where do computers rip people off whilst wearing funny hats? Silly con valley.
What tennis player is great at fixing things? Handy Murray.
How do shoemakers keep in touch with friends? Lace Book.
How do fighter pilots keep in touch with friends? Ace Book.
How did medieval warriors keep in touch with friends? Mace Book.
What do you call a woman who looks like a huge boat? Bargery.
What injury did the man get when been insulted and found? Diss location.
What city has the biggest tiny green plant company? Moss Co.
Why did the grindcore guitarist have a selfish motive? He had an axe to grind.
Why was the man blinded when he misplaced his webpage? He was suffering from site loss.
What’s the difference between an alcoholic chocolate and a soon to be fired cocoa worker? One’s a chocolate liqueur, the other’s a chocolate licker.
Why was the man in poverty when the dessert was taken away from him? He was de-pied.
Why the mud on the mountain cultured? It was high-brown.
Why was the mud in the pit uncultured? It was low-brown.
Who owns the most expensive iceberg? Bill Gold-berg.
What’s the difference between carpentry and a new Deftones album? One’s woodwork, the other would work.
Why did the film maker let someone’s spine fall? For the back drop.
Why did no one understand what was meant when someone said ‘nnnn’? It was four N.
How did the man killer give up? He sir-ended.
What does Deanna eat when feeling positive? Can Dee.
Why couldn’t the data eater move? He was a stat-chew.
Why did the man with an activating face win? He had a head start.
What do you call someone who gives money to entrances? Fee a door.
Why could you sit on the CEO? He was a chair man.
What’s the difference between a puzzle and a ball that disintegrated in mid air? One’s a mystery, the other missed Terry.
What’s the difference between a find and an insult kind of like bed clothes? One’s a discovery, the other’s a diss, covery.
Why was the assessment also a professional folder? It was a pro file.
What’s the difference between a huge area of water owned by an enthusiast, and a Rolex? One’s a fan sea, the other’s fancy.
What computer game is about visiting a haemorrhoid? Metroid.
What condition causes people to count to a million and hate paddles? Oar-ism.
Why did so much light come out of the man who was onto the sun’s motives? He was sun wise.
What do you call a letter that’s about to fall out? Loose E.
How did ancient people contact the sun? Sun dials.
Why was the boyfriend of the excited Tina so predictable? He had a woo-Tina.
How did the absolutely huge Debbie get her information? The world wide Deb.
What’s the difference between a narcissist and disrespectful behaviour from fish eggs? One has a cavalier attitude, the other is caviar attitude.
What’s the difference between fairness and an impressed Yorkshireman? One’s equality, the other says ‘eeeee, quality!’
What’s the difference between Guy Fawkes and Bowser wearing sunglasses? One was radical, the other’s a baddie, cool.
What do you call someone who looks like a triangle? Wedge.
What music did the whacky door opener listen to? Fun key music.
What’s the difference between your dad’s sister and a drink without caffeine? One’s your auntie, the other ins’t tea.
What relative isn’t a drink? Your aren’t tea.
What do you call someone who owns a leg joint company? Knee Co.
What do you call Al Capone annoying people on the internet? A spamster.
Why did the tiny object teach small children? It was mini-school.
Why was Alan so flowery when on the ground? He was floor Al.
What do you call a woman who repeatedly acts like a bird? Re-pecker.
Why did people have nothing important to do in the fruit eating contest? It was pear time.
Why was the morphing letter so heavenly? It was a change-L.
What do you call someone relieved to see medicine? Ah, med.
What hair product was the fruit trainer used as? A pear conditioner.
What’s the difference between an assignment and a sentimental person? One’s a mission, the other’s a mush’n.
What do you call someone who refuses to have vaccines? Novak.
Why was the activating cap so interesting? It was captivating,
What element stole the letter? Nick L.
Who stole two letters? Nick L S.
What music did the Rabbi who forgot to worship listen to? Lack Sabbath.
What’s the difference between a baked pastry, and a vowel from ancient times? One’s a pasty, the other’s a past E.
Why was the fifth pet annoying? It was pet E.
Why could the sea mammal ride on the train tracks? They were whale ways.
Why did the approving document fight in the war? It was the essay, yes.
What dictator did Linda turn into when she was famous? Star Lyn.
What U.S. state did Kenneth crouch? Ken ducky.
Why did the decent caffeinated drink belong to someone? It was a proper tea.
What’s the difference between a haunted house and a utensil unlocker? One’s spooky, the other’s a spoon key.
Why did the man lose contact with reality when his car broke down, the road turned into jelly, the sky turned green, and it started raining sheep? He had a MENTAL breakdown.
Why was the man who donated a bear so kind? He was a bear-giver.
How do horses brush their teeth? With hoof paste.
Why wasn’t the thing that couldn’t make materials important? It didn’t matter.
What city does Lynda the cat come from? Purr Lyn.
Why was the aardvark curious? It was nosey.
Why did the businessman get the death penalty? Merger.
How did the vandal erase the number? He dis-figured.
What’s the difference between a delighted person, and someone who has moved on from the hurt caused by cutlery? One’s over the moon, the other’s over the spoon.
What drink do you get when your foot digit is enthusiastic? Vim-toe.
Why was the mother who was also a thick sludge attention seeking? She was a ma, tar.
Why is Mount Everest so exciting? It’s a climb max.
Why did the man have a panic attack when he ate the baked potato on the floor? He had a baked down.
What’s the difference between a meeting with the dead and someone with a weird tick? One’s a seance, the other always says ‘ants’.
Why wasn’t the father of the submarine very good? He was sub pa.
How was the large ferry that was looked at punished? It was cruise-ship-eyed.
Why does Val turn into a lowland area when she’s excited? Because she’s a Val eeeeeee!
What’s the difference between an alcoholic, and someone who agrees with his friend? One’s maladaptive, the other’s pal-adaptive.
What’s the difference between bubble bath and an item that gets people prosecuted? One’s soothing, the other’s a sue thing.
Why was the brain a good gift? It was thought-full.
What city does Linda and her twin come from? Double Lynn.
Why was there so much information in the lion’s attack? It was a terror bite.
What English group of notes clogged up the washing machine? The limey scale.
What do you call someone who created cooking equipment artwork with a pencil? Pan drew.
Why didn’t the lazy power plant donator care? He didn’t give a dam.
What medication do sick policemen take? Rozzer ill. (Specialist joke - sounds like Clozaril).
Why did the practice session cut a hole in something? It was a drill.
What’s the difference between the secret services and someone who watches Diehard? One’s the CIA, the other sees the yippie kai yay!!
Why could you hear the ordinary ball? It was ordi-ball.
Where in America did Ali cover people in lotion? Ali balmer.
What’s the difference between winning the lottery and a vase with a gift in it? One’s surprising, the other’s a surprise ming.
What was Jeff called as a small child? Jeff wee.
What shop do you get when you cross a stinging insect with a long line? Bee and queue.
What do you call someone with a stinging insect on his foot? Toe bee.
What classical concert killed the Englishmen? The last night of the Poms.
What do you call a breeze on a raised area of land? Hill airy.
Why did the delicious lasagne go so fast? It had high sauce power.
What’s the difference between an era and a country ruled by Jen? One’s a generation, the other’s a Jenna nation.
Who threw Louis off the ferry? Lou-sea.
What shop was Kerry when he was in an oven? A bake Kerry.
What type of instrument do you get when you concuss a cat? Purr-cussion.
Why was the 6 foot stinging insect in a 60s pop band? It was a bee, tall.
Why was the man with an eye in his body so wise? He had in-sight.
Why was the man who stole the nurse so careful? He took care.
Why did the woman with no shoes give drugs to the snake-like fish? For the high eels.
Why was the expressionless tool set used as a cover? It was a blank kit.
Why was the expressionless cat like a cover? He was blank kitty.
Why was the man hugging Billy unwell? He was feeling Bill.
What state features a huge boat and cutting equipment? Ark and saw.
Why was the man in front of his herb so ground breaking? He was ahead of his thyme.
What grapes turn spirits brown? Soul tanners.
What’s the difference between a champion and someone who liked the flavour of the letter? One’s a success, the other sucked S.
What do you call a university teacher covered in blood? Gore don.
Why couldn’t the man who hated people without feet drink milk? He was lack toes intolerant.
What corrosive substance did Sidney turn into when he made a fool of himself? Ass Sid.
Why did the TV in the harbour disappear? It tele-ported.
Why was it deadly when Leo fell over? It was Lee fall.
Why are you so excited when you’re attracted to Ria? Because it’s you for Ria.
Why wasn’t the shameless man assaulted? He was un-abashed.
What fish did Raymond turn into when someone jabbed him with a pen? A sting Ray.
What country is also a rubbish vocalist? Singer, poor.
What’s the difference between evolution and someone saying ‘665… No, I mean 666’? One’s development, the other’s what the devil meant.
What do you call someone with a pistol strapped to his ankle? Low gun.
What’s the difference between one hundred years and a man in charge of a legal team? One’s a century, the other sent the jury.
Why was the curious owl so loud? It HOWled.
Why did the man who chopped up pieces of wood then collected them sort his life out? He got his hacked together.
What’s the difference between a Tanzanian national park and me retrieving something? One’s the Serengeti, the other’s the Simon getty.
What’s the difference between a sweet pastry and a painting chilled by a large woody plant? One’s a treacle tart, the other’s tree cooled art.
What’s the difference between dawn and someone who knows how to have a good time? One’s sunrise, the other’s fun-wise.
Why was everyone offended when the payment was outside? It was out wage.
What rock band did the Egyptian leader with a cold listen to? Pharaoh sniff.
Why did the teddy bear on the railway fancy someone? He was a track ted.
Why did paper-ripping snake travel? It was a tore-hiss.
What comedian is the son of a BMW? George Car-ling.
What’s the favourite game of a guy in a public garden? Park man.
Why was the time attack pointless? It was a race of time.
Why was the man really upset when the dishwashing rug looked at him? He was chore mat eyed.
Why was the blind hoofed mammal rejected? It was a bad eyed deer.
Why was Louis so hygienic when tumbling down a hill? He was Lou roll.
Why was the clock shop empty when time stood still? It was out of tock.
What’s the difference between naughty behaviour and someone firing a gun at lemon juice, poorly? One’s mischief, the other missed Jif.
Why was Fern’s dish washing used as a table? It was Fernie chore.
Why was the awkward leg joint so bright? It was shy knee.
Why was the buckle in the straight line rat-like? It was a row dent.
What do you call a Pokemon that spies on someone whilst eating? Peeker chew.
Why was the thing that looked like a small stone defiant? It was pebble-ious.
Why didn’t the faulty item have any money? It didn’t work.
What did Ali G wear when doing maths? An Al G bra.
Why was the punched dishwashing a building? It was a struck chore.
Why was the leaving waste disposal unit a game for OAPs? It was bin go.
What game do litterers play? Bin ‘no’.
Why did the mail deliverer come from the future? He was a post man.
How did the man who forced a pigeon to do a backflip insult someone? He flipped the bird.
What do you call Ashley when you pay her leg joint? Cash knee.
What do you call someone who grabbed a leg joint? Caught knee.
What do you call the evil son of a candle? Wick kid.
What mood do you get when you long to hear the mouse again? Missed eek.
Why did the people steal roundabouts when they did things in succession? They took turns.
What do you call someone who points out where gunk is? There, ick.
Why was the deadly hole sweaty? It was a harm pit.
How was the sleeping teddybear used as a drug? It was snore ted.
Why did the ceremony celebrating adulthood allow the alley to vote? It was a right of passage.
Why do footballers need to be hydrated? They dribble.
What number do Germans say when they really don’t want tea? Nein tea, nein!
How did the man looking for cold drinks die? Chill seeking.
Why did everyone watch the dead snake? It was not to be hissed.
Why was it straightforward to understand the angry man? He was easily red.
Why was the centre immoral when it was launched in the air? It was core-upped.
What’s the difference between a plastic bowl and someone who can sense hellos? One’s Tupperware, the other’s wassup aware.
Why could the pre-funeral gathering sense things? It was a wake.
What music do you get when you shake a cow? Moos-rock.
Why was the Conservative Party member a win when taking medication? He was a Vicks tory.
Why must Faye never be above 6 foot tall? She would be Faye, tall.
Why was the letter selfish when it was given a name? It was N-titled.
What disease do selfish people get? Measles.
Why was the sea that could teach also a prediction? It was a proffy-sea.
How did the fruit bomb the enemy? By pear raid.
Why was the piece of the rotting egg a poor comparison? It was a bad egg sample.
How was the man killed when placed with people who couldn’t hear? He was put to the deaf.
What city did the composer come from when doing ok? Coping Haydn.
Why was the experimenting leg joint inevitable? It was testy knee.
Why did the man go insane when he lost his hands? He couldn’t take it anymore.
What music do you get when a sad man reports you to the police? Blue grass.
Why did the guitarist visit the pub run by pigs? For the hammy bar.
What’s the difference between a fake person and a cod with wings, huge eyes and using a paintbrush? One’s artificial, the other’s an arty fish-owl.
What guitarist does Marvin hate the most? Spank Marvin.
Why did the gift stop rhyming rhythmically when it was opened? It was un-rapped.
What comedian ripped off a passageway? Billy Con Alley.
What’s the difference between cheap city housing and an aborted gateau? One’s a council estate, the other’s a cancelled cake.
What actor is the child of an eccles cake? Christopher Eccles-son.
How do you fire a multicoloured cannon? With fun powder.
Why did the man win the lottery after keeping a kind water bird? He had good duck.
Why was it dangerous when the cuts of beef were on drugs? The steaks were high.
How did the anarchist cure someone? He was an anti-vote.
What do you call a fly that lives in a passageway? Gnat Alley.
Why was the well oiled bike so calm? It was easy going.
What gloomy mood was felt when a fruit was taken away? De-pear.
What drug do you get when you give a bird a walking stick? Crow cane.
Why did the rising submarine cause alarm? It was an emergency.
What people have roosters in their legs? Cock knees.
Why did the rooster’s leg joint say ‘apples and pears’? It was a cock knee.
What’s the difference between me being kind and someone fed up with Dominic? One’s seldom, the other sells Dom.
What humour do you get when a wheel rests? Sat tire.
Why was there equipment when a fruit swallowed me and you? Because a pear ate us.
Why was it liberating when Dominic cloned himself twice? It was three-Dom.
Why is it awful when you combine an insult with a donkey stirring things? It’s a diss-ass-stir.
How did the janitor manipulate the locomotive? Train washing.
How was the entrance twister related to the man? She was his door-turn.
Why did the man who shot herbs do meaningless tasks? He was a thyme waster.
What’s the difference between egocentrism and a small mythical creature stalker that’s let loose? One’s mindless self-indulgence, the other’s bind-less elf-indulgence.
What animals hoard triangles? Wedge-hogs.
What do you call a woman who is also her boyfriend? Herman.
Why did the professional technology rejecter defend others? It was a pro tech shun.
Why was Albert a specialist when he died? He was an ex Bert.
Why was the time before something happened inside an angry herb? It was in the mean thyme.
Why was it extreme when I was amazed by a caffeinated drink? It was oh tea, tea!
What do you call Albert infected with a computer virus? Malbert.
What’s the difference between the Great Wall of China and a sad, mischievous sprite? One’s impressive, the other’s an imp depressive.
Why was the thyme in the broth amazing? It was soup herb.
What are the only fruits that are used in wars? Mine apples.
What kind of virus is your friend’s jumper? Palwear.
What era of music smells the most? B.O. classical.
Why was the potato magazine also a robot? It was a mash-zine.
Why was the leaving pea so calm? It was peasy going.
What kung fu move did the construction worker teach the worked-on tarmac? The roadblock.
Why did Sally’s clothes crash her computer? It was Salwear.
How did the man on morphine change? He morphed.
Why was the letter on the pelvis anti-war? It was a hip E.
What dinosaur ruined the caffeinated drink? The tea wreck.
Why was the professional egocentrism vulgar? It was pro vanity.
What discussion do you get when you steal maggots? A de-bait.
What political party fakes legs? Shin feign.
What’s the difference between riding a boat and someone with a weird tick? One’s sailing, the other says ‘ling!’
Why was the man who pressed X good at conveying his feelings? He was X-pressive.
What epic story is about various items? Lord of the Things.
What’s the difference between a thrash metal band and Ali’s mechanic? One’s Metallica, the other met Ali’s car.
Why was the teddybear on the hip drunk? He was waste ted.
What city did the magician come from? Merlin.
Why was the fish with a bad reputation a concern? It was trouble ling.
Why did the herb replacement play in a prog band? It was a thyme change.
Why was the psychologist letter dangerous? It was a psych O.
Why did the man who ate Bert upset others? He was Bert-full.
Why did the washing of dishes by a robot have a distinctive feel? It was a tech’s chore.
Why was the circle contest appalling? It was a disc race.
Why was the world’s most stoic man lazy? He couldn’t be bothered.
Why was the drum in the optical organ a thing? It was an eye tom.
Why was the drinking that was getting higher unexpected? It was sup rising.
What’s the difference between me for Papa John’s and Deanna covered in slime? One’s greedy, the other’s green Dee.
What language is based on French containers? La tin.
What kind of intelligence is confused by the optical organ? Eh, eye?
Why was the small group also a multiplication out of jail? It was a free sum.
What’s the hungriest number? Chew.
Why was the man who touched the water supply in a good mood? He was feeling well.
Why was the sum also a commercial? It was an add.
Why was the well written part of a story so bright and big? It was a good seen.
Why was the mouth in Spring in the military? It was a May jaw.
Why was the handbag chiller extreme? It was Radley-cool.
Why did the keeper of a rat at high altitude have a bad personality? He had a rat-itude.
Why was the alternative herb in the past? It was a different thyme.
Why was the queue of herbs also a period of time? It was a thyme line.
Why was the light obscured? It was a knee on light.
Why was the shuffled card cruel? It was out of order.
What’s the difference between the countryside and a huge, glowing strawberry? One’s scenery, the other’s a seen berry.
Why wasn’t the quiet thing accepted? It wasn’t a’loud.
What’s the difference between a region of a country and someone who’s bored? One’s a county, the other counts tea.
What composer told Bert to go away? Shoe, Bert!
Why did the self-important person destroy the world when he said things clearly? He was diva-stating.
Why was the record the last thing ever? It was vinyl.
What’s the difference between a crazy person and a positive letter? One’s possessed, the other’s a poz-S.
Why was the clean person also the repercussions? He was the after bath.
What music do you get when you pack a SODI go kart for Christmas? A wrap-SODI.
What music company is also a vegetable realising something? Yam aha!
Why did the man learn when he was bed ridden? He was beducated.
What do you call someone with activated evil? Malice-on.
Why is doom also excitement? It’s woah.
What’s the difference between someone moving countries and my friend, Grant? One’s a migrant, the other’s my Grant.
Why was the land of dogs dangerous? It was a paw zone.
Why did the boxer’s flying punch inoculate someone? It was a flew jab.
What do you call someone who keeps disagreeing? Noer.
What sword used to be quality? Ex Caliber.
Why did the freed man have small pox? He was de-seized.
Why was the nobleman ecstatic after he swore at the king? He was de-knighted.
What’s the difference between a fired helper and an insect in a horror film? One’s an ex assistant, the other’s an exorcist ant.
What do flatulent Germans call their home country? The farter land.
What do you call someone who asks Deanna a question? When, Dee?
Why was the man sad after rising again? He was de-pressed.
What’s a muddy dog’s favourite number? Dirty paw.
Why was the doctor a chill dude? He was medicool.
Why was the man done when he was turned into a fish? He was fin-ished.
Why was it ridiculous when the brain wasn’t elongated? It was no stretch of the imagination.
Why did the Spanish girlfriend alarm her boyfriend? She was his panic.
What’s the difference between an ex-soldier, and a dying dog with Annabel as its owner? One’s a veteran, the other wants a vet or Anne.
Why was the baby rabbit flying immediately after birth? It was hare born.
What’s the difference between a man and a fastener? One’s an adult, the other’s a bolt.
Why was the cold kitten judgemental? It was kitty-cool.
Why was the flat container also a dealer? It was a tray, der.
What’s the difference between a high ranking military man, and a hybrid of Jenifer and Alan? One’s a general, the other’s Jenna-Al.
Why was the flea seller so popular? He was a pest seller.
Why was the activated explosion exactly right? It was bang on.
Why was it hectic when the fraudulent internet pest went missing? It was a loss of con troll.
What’s the difference between a lemon and a depressed Richard? One’s acidic, the other’s a sad Dick.
Why did the death metal band go insane? They had a mental breakdown.
Why was the tallest man the most important? He was above all else.
Why was Guy Fawkes moderate? He was treasonable.
Why did the man who ate the limb hurt others? He was arm-full.
How do rabbits fly? Hare ship.
How did the letter maker make others better people? He built character.
Why was the short man sure? He under stood.
How did Bethany’s boyfriend die? He got the kiss of Beth.
Why was Joe Satriani so active and involved? He was instrumental.
Why was the man sleepy when a wheel was thrown at him? He was tired.
What do you call your bee enemy? Foebee.
What material do you get when an animal doctor falls over? Fellvet.
Why was the man ecstatic when poked in the eye? He was de-sighted.
Why was the Motorhead teddy bear in short supply? It was Lemmyted.
Why was custard poured over the race car’s wheels when the weather changed? To customise them.
Why was the spade in the leg also a party? It as a shin dig.
Why was the supporter of democracy also a trial pet? It was a demo cat.
Where does your shady ex girlfriend come from? Sus ex.
Why did Peter turn into food when he was made an emperor? He was a Pete tzar.
Why did the man who was fired eat a newly baked pastry? For the fresh tart.
How did the lettery beverage power the car? It was an N gin.
What country is a blending company? Mixy co.
What do you call a singer sent an electronic message? Ping Crosby.
What’s the difference between an honest person and Jenna’s friend? One’s genuine, the other asks Jen, you in?
Why was the A+ in the sky better? It was an upgrade.
What drums do you get when cattle are damned? Cow hells.
Why wasn’t the fictional magazine a concern? It was a non-issue.
Why was Mohammed Ali’s second tea ethical? It was more Ali tea.
What comedy is about surrendering and telling water not to move? Give in and stay, sea.
Why was it interesting when the instructor set foot in the building? It was enter training.
Why didn’t the tramp dominate someone? He was pown-less.
What’s the only food Mick Hucknall eats? Simply bread.
Why do poor people reside in the receiving foot? They live in the get toe.
Why was the delicious biscuit needed for the website? It was an essential cookie.
What singer has to domesticate animals? Dave must tame.
How fast does Jeff East do things? In a Jeff E.
Why wasn’t the once pen, now a ball needed? It was ex-pen, the ball.
Why were the police after the man standing on the number? He was on the one.
What shop looks the most like a toilet? John loo-ish.
Why are people called Bernie arsonists? They’re Burnhards.
Who set fire to the letter? Burn E.
Why didn’t Dimebag Darrell open his package? It was Pantera’s box.
Why was the fruit-dog sad? It was melon collie.
Why is the storm always ill? It’s thunder, the weather.
Where do facts come from? Factories.
What singer was the friendliest plant? Buddy Holly.
Why did the evil water bird keeper always lose? He had bad duck.
Why was the prosecuted fraud restricted? He was con fined.
What do people with upgraded cars drink? Modcar.
Why did the man with a Coca-Cola stomach interfere? He was a fizzy body.
What’s the difference between a time traveller’s jacket and a modified cleaning device? One’s Doctor Who fur, the other’s a doctored hoover.
Why is liquid hydrogen flammable? It’s lighter fluid.
Why was Edward admired when he was given new glasses? He was re-specced-Ed.
Why was the man clearly called ‘Lee’ good at commanding others? He was a Lee, der.
What do you get when you cross voodoo with a computer mouse? A curser.
What causes all computer viruses? Cursers.
How do janitors backup files? Moppy disks.
Why was the lofty harbour used as an opening in the fabric of space and time? It was a port, tall.
Why did the relative of the fighter jet control the population? It was Mig brother.
How did the tool thief get money? He got spade.
Where did Lee study when being as asshole? Berk Lee.
What’s the difference between a person and a Stone Roses video? One’s an individual, the other’s an indie visual.
How does Lizzy stay clean? Eliza bath.
What do astrophysicists chew? Hubble gum.
Why was the legal team in the building bleeding? It was an in jury.
Why was it amazing when the convinving thing was indoors? It was in, credible.
Why does artificial intelligence have great vision? It has A eyes.
What do you call someone who looks like a lit up bullet? Trace-y
Why did the man disappear when insulting someone and making society mixed? He diss integrated.
Where did the dog’s ear with a thorn in it come from? Collie thorn ear.
How did the cloth get to France? The flannel tunnel.
Why was the man dead when he began again? He was de-ceased.
What colour are tritones? Pitch black.
Why was the zombie a rubbish present? It was thought-less.
Why didn’t the splashed water work properly? It was out of sink.
Why was the madman honest? He told the tooth.
Why was the 2nd journey also a plea? It was a re-quest.
What type of sound do you get when you also get part of a tree? An’ a log.
What’s an angry angel’s favourite drama? Beast enders.
Why do you see so many flies on a Sunday? It’s the day of pest.
Why are muscular letters all you can eat restaurants? They’re buff As.
Why was the man’s face swollen when it smoked? It was a puffy face.
What is Batman when resting? Satman.
Who was the only king who was a Star Wars baddie? George the Sith.
Why was the bogey so wise? It was in the nose.
What fuel tells the most offensive jokes? Crude oil.
Why was Lee sad when dominating others? He was pown Lee.
Why did the legal team made of American change last 100 years? It was a cent jury.
Why was Lee the hippy so nice? He was love Lee.
What musician gambled with a meadow? James bet field.
What model wears a cloak made of swamps? Cape Moss.
What band sung about a sheep? A baa.
Why did Lee turn into a priest when he fell on a spike? He was hole Lee.
Why did the man selling a door betray his principles? He sold out.
Why are agoraphobic friends convicts? They’re in mates.
Why are burpees funny? They’re stand up routines.
What celebration do you get when a bell is red? A red ding.
What food do you get when a marmot becomes strong? Mar-might.
What was Steve’s meme cloudy? It was Steme.
Why was the ham free of disease when salted? It was cured.
Why did the confident teenager serve food? He was a can teen.
What Shakespearian play is about a man in black? Goth Fellow.
What cars are made from short elephants? Low tusks.
What animal is a cross between a germ and a sphere? The gerball.
Why was the man with a spoon controversial? He caused a stir.
Why is God fine? He’s all right.
Why did poles go crazy in 1946? It was post-war.
How did the turkey die? It was stuffocated.
Why was the elated bee tardy? It was bee-lated.
Why did the excellent band receive on OAP? It won a granny.
Why do BMW’s find school entrances boring? There are no car parks.
What’s the difference between a newspaper and the writer of this joke (who’s also a girl)? One’s media, the other’s me, Dia.
Why was the info eater so still? It was a stat chew.
Why is the exam on Sunday? It’s the day of test.
Why is Sunday so tangy? It’s the day of zest.
What James Bond character got stuck in traffic? Queue.
Why was the spinning cat used as a fuel? It was pet roll.
Why did the dealer’s product show either a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, or a 6? It was merchant dice.
Why was the box of Lego the close of day? It was funset.
What do you call someone with no life force? Chi no.
Why was the wacky bell lucrative? It was fun ding.
Why was the blatant pan also a black and white mammal? It was a pan, der.
What’s the difference between a protruding organ and a woman’s worst enemy? One’s a hernia, the other’s her knee-er.
Why was it strange when the can was recycled? It was uncanny.
Why did the tree sigh in Spring? It was re-leaved.
Why did the man with no tongue make a bad joke? He was tasteless.
Why was the fake evaluation a competition? It was a con test.
How did the wacky blade raise money? It was a fun razor.
What’s the difference between a sure man and a crook? One’s convinced, the other conned Vince.
What fighting style do you get when a container is energised? Box zing.
Why was the tick in Hell chaotic? It was Heck tick.
Why was the previous E a mental home? It was a prior E.
Why was the bad rhythmic speaking a close friendship? It was a rap, poor.
What shop does the best graffiti artist go to? Prime Mark.
What skater isn’t real bacon? Phoney pork.
Why was the son of the paddle a plant? He was on oar kid.
What weapons party hardest? Rock its.
Why was the once race car passenger dug up from his grave? He was ex-zoomed.
Why can your intuition authorise you to do something? It’s a lie sense.
Why was the forbidden pronoun a thief? It was a banned it.
Where continent does your surgery come from? Your op.
Why was the era of slopes chaotic? It was the ramp age.
What food was the taxi-bush? A cab-hedge.
What’s the difference between a radiator and a thing for a man? One’s heating, the other’s a he ting.
Why is the company in the well crazy? It’s low-co.
Why wasn’t the toy bear breathing? It was ted.
Why did the burning cap orbit the Earth? It was a hat, alight.
Why was the prolific witch a fortress? She was a cast all.
Why was the delayed thug a lake? He was a lag goon.
What’s the difference between a fusion and a country of fake trash cans? One’s a combination, the other’s a con bin nation.
Why was Keith Ledger’s possessive friend a spiky animal? He was a Ledge-hog.
Why was it improbable when Leroy was on drugs and acting out of character? It was high Lee, unlike Lee.
What animals aren’t mothers? Ma-nots.
What famous drummer lost his engagement ring? Ring-go star.
Why was the skilled harbour easy to move? It was port, able.
What does the bee named Maurice listen to? Bee-Moe.
What rhythm did the Kray Twin’s pot play? Kray vase.
Where does it rain yellow bits of rocks? Sand Down.
What currency is an excited sphere? The woo ball.
What do you call a painkiller? Robhurt.
Why was it amusing when Ronald was turned into a pastry? It was pie-Ronnie.
Why was it contradictory when Ronald worked as an optician? It was eye Ronnie.
What do you call someone who doesn’t know how old he is? Wrong-old.
Why was the contagious part of the psyche also liquid? It was flu id.
How do vegetables hunt down criminals? Crop cars.
Why was Valerie competitive when questioning things? She was a why? Val.
What do you call someone who keeps saying ‘M’? Emmer.
Why did the man go crazy when he couldn’t find the sequence of events? He lost the plot.
Why did Richard shock others when he voted? He was elect Rick.
When did the two surgeons get on? The co-operation.
Why was the award for the letter random? It was N trophy.
Why was it a sequence of ideas when someone did complex maths? It was a train of thought.
What time of day do lights work hardest? Try light.
What dictator didn’t put up with Star Wars baddies? No Sith Stalin.
What do you call a woman who keeps swerving? Veerer.
Why is it believable when Vincent gets ripped off? It’s con Vince-ing.
What dictator kept delaying things? Joseph Stalling.
Why was it embarrassing when the dough factory exploded? There were bread faces all around.
What scientist won the sheep? Charles baa-win.
Why was the gardener so kind? He was a pear worker.
Why was the naked man clueless? He was un-a-wear.
What shows are about pea spells? Pod casts.
Why was it a difficult situation when Emma was a colour? It was a dye-Emma.
Why did the reasonable water supply say goodbye? It was a fair well.
Where does sick underwear come from? Bra’s ill.
Why did chainmail end the world? It was armour-geddon.
Why was the robbed adhesive dealer baffled? He was glue-less.
What country has a feline pirate? Cat arrrr.
Why didn’t the man in the strange world care? He was in different.
Why was Dominic unpredictable when he was taken for a jog? He was ran Dom.
Why did the computer version of Mr. Parry’s child compare things? It was a com Parry son.
Why was Denise the cow irritable? She was moo-Dee.
Why was the swallowed man bored? He was stuck in a gut.
How did the word ’success’ log into the computer? It was a pass word.
How was the shrunk bee mocked? He was bee littled.
Why was the Star Ward baddie submissive when he graduated? He was pass-Sith.
Why was the man crazy when he jumped off his swaying chair? He was off his rocker.
Why was the man wild when on his garden rocking horse? He rocked out.
Why was the square honourable? It was no ball.
Why was the non-loaf unprepared? It wasn’t bready.
Why was the man with no feet unprepared? He wasn’t tready.
Why did the very nice man find someone work? He was an A-gent.
Why was the ultimate eye shield a boss? It was a super visor.
What media company is a tiny ball with vision? The bb see.
Why was Elvis Presley a gift when taken somewhere? He was a Pres-sent.
Why did Bill change his ways after being brought back from the dead? He was re-Billy-tated.
Why were the veteran, male fighter pilots dangerous? They were men aces.
Why was the burning letter small? It was lit-L.
Why didn’t the man hold a grudge when the situation wasn’t a woman’s bag and everything? It was nothing purse and all.
Why was the mute chicken misfortunate? It was un-clucky.
Why did the man who looked like a cutting tool apologise? He was saw-y.
Why was the man repeatedly hit with animal hair renewed? He was re-fur-bashed.
Why did the kidnapper of the Guns’n’Roses guitarist pee? He took a Slash.
Why was it a misunderstanding when the stuff fell out of the fraudulent letters? It was out of con text.
Why was it predictable when the vase had cow poo in it? It was a pat urn.
What level of education is the tinkle in high definition? The pee HD.
What did the sausage turn into when it was continuously successful? A sausage roll.
What city did your mother leave? Mum bye.
What city crazily gave its stuff away? Mad rid.
What city ruins pork? Wrecks ham.
What comedian fooled the post? Trick Mail.
Why was the trumpet music also a breezy bazaar? It was a fan fair.
Why was the sight of urine also a critique? It was a wee view.
What’s the favourite key of the stinging insect, when it digs? Bee miner.
Why did the killed man keep going? He was dead-icated.
Why did the man keep going when dough was thrown at him? He was bread-icated.
What animals have incorrect clubs? Wrong bats.
Why was the still, long tooth on the mountain important? It was high stay tusk.
What type of game was the Guns ’n’ Roses guitarist when he broke into the computer? A hack and Slash.
Why was the funny key so eerie? It was spoof key.
What console is a mix of a pheasant and a navigational marker? The game buoy.
Who has absolutely no chance of getting into Heaven? Sin, bad.
What do you call two leaving letters? D A go.
Why was Bolt Thrower’s frontman controlling? He was a bolt leader.
What country is made of bleeps? Pingland.
What country does gold come from? Bling land.
Why did the 7 wear shoes on its head? It was an odd number.
Why do you get few carbohydrates from eating door openers and feet? It’s the key toe diet.
What chemicals do you get when door openers turn musical? Key tones.
How did the man with OCD cure cancer? Through endless re-search.
Why was it lacking judgement when it was almost evening? It was nigh eve.
Why couldn’t the two headed cat go to jail? It was double leopardy.
Why was the larger man an insane asylum? He was broad more.
What emperor kept taking things? Julius Seizer.
Why is the future embarrassing? It’s the too much information age.
What plant always tells the truth? Lie lack.
Why did the posh vomit stand the test of time? It was class sick.
Why was the fish discontinued when it was brought back from the dead? It was re-plaiced.
What do you call the fourth Jew? Jew D.
Why was it intuitive when the skunk was indoors? It was an in stink.
Why was the man practical when he kneeled to get his toy gun? He was down to Nerf.
Why did the blonde man have a merry-go-round on his head? He had fair hair.
What did the man about to be killed by gas say? The end is nigh-trogen.
What do you call a woman who looks like a mass of platters? Tray sea.
Why was the computer that was radical a friend? It was a com rad.
Why was the crawling letter scary? It was creep E.
What do you call Bert when he turns into a fish? Gill Bert.
Why does the crop grower’s water sell medicines? It’s a farmer sea.
Why are insects on saplings good for you? They’re new tree ants.
How did the condemned man learn? Through trial and terror.
Why was the body of water filled with chums chaotic? It was a friend sea.
Why was the huge, poorly fish shallow? It was super fish ill.
Why did Douglas photograph a criminal when he fired a gun? It was a Doug shot.
What nationality was the good laser beam? A ray, bien!
Why was the thing in the rubbish tongue offensive? It was in poor taste.
Why was Ed Kemper’s dad angry when raising his child? He had a short Kemper.
What shape figures out Elise? The I suss Elise triangle.
What bird do you get when someone’s tricked near the beach? A sea gullible.
Where does the bull in the sun come from? Is tan bull.
What cutlery do condiments come from? Saucers.
Why does the man ripping off people called Peter have a good chance? He con Petes.
What drink can you always rely on? Loyal tea.
What meat do you get when two cooperating bees have an argument with other bees? Co-bee beef.
What do you call someone who refuses beers? Brew no.
Why did the escapees run to the harmless letter? It was safe T.
Why did the man who told the barber to cut all his hair off, win the race? He took a short cut.
What curry do you get when you throw a toilet away? Bin the loo.
Why was the boring shopping centre expected? It was snore mall.
What country has the most boring roads? Snore way.
How did the friendly computer crash? It pal functioned.
Why was everyone fighting in the excellent street? It was nang land.
What weapon do you get when you give Linda coffee? A java-Lin.
Why was the most circular fight used as an intersection? It was a rounder bout.
Why were the cigarettes on the legs aggressive? They were thigh tars.
Why was the insulted fruit the definition of misery? It was dissed pear.
Where does everyone speak like dinosaurs? Roar all areas.
Why was the 7 dismantler a liar? He was de-sept-ive.
Why did the musicians copy others when they leaped on the forbidden vehicle? They jumped on the banned wagon.
What keyboardist is also an impolite letter? Jordan Rude S.
What type of pasta do you get when puppets are recently made? Newdolls.
Why was the angry fight ridiculous? It was bout-rage-ious.
What statistician attacked people in windy weather? Florence fight in gale.
What did the man say to the burger that was trying to be tough? Ooooh big Mac.
What did Yngwie Malmsteen’s ancestor ride to battle? A Yngwie Malmsteed.
What’s the difference between higher education and a town of short poems? One’s a university, the other’s puny verse city.
Why did Angus’s mother keep complaining? She made a Gus.
What does an attention seeking sheep listen to? Ram time!
Why was the manky berry in the shopping bag? It was a grossberry.
How did the lost at sea fruit find a rescue helicopter? With a pear gun.
Why could the public communication device only be used in Spring? It was a May phone.
What do you call an Ozzy Osbourne guitarist in the wind? Gust G.
Why did the small prison room work in a shop? It was a sell.
Why didn’t the man rightly saying ‘sack’ matter? He didn’t mean Jack.
What guitar brand really needs to go to the toilet? Eee! Yes, pee!
Why was the jaw on the dog’s tail also a conversation? It was a chinwag.
Why did Victor and Timothy get mugged when they combined with each other? They were Vick-Tims.
Why did the hard leg lose its job? It was thigh ‘ard.
Why did the friendly underwear get in a fight? It was panty-social.
Why was the song about ribbons on the end of the album? It was a bowness track.
Why were there amazing technologies when people learned to walk? It was the pace age.
What happened to the A team when they were confused? They were the eh? team.
Why didn’t the man arrested by the FBI give up? He was fed-icated.
Why was Timothy's psyche nervous? It was Tim id.
Why was the rubbish train driver handsome? He was a track div.
Why is the phrase ‘James is… troubled’ so young? It’s a youth-emism.
Why was the container of things you should do hydrating? It was a bottle of oughta.
Why was the ultra lightweight TV a message? It was a tele gram.
What road to you get when you reject clutter? A junk shun.
Why did the mute man’s car stop working? He ran out of gas.
Why was the man insulted when he stole a barrier? He took a fence.
What gang is named after an ox leaking fluid? The yak oozer.
Why was the letter untidy? It was a message.
What do bees on dates spray on themselves? Bee-odorants.
Why did the blue and red flashing dish bring the country to a stop? It was a plate of emergency.
Why did the deer with two heads only exist in the mind? It was a bi-deer.
Why did the man walking to shred the rulers try so hard? He went to grate lengths.
What novelist wrote of the rodent road? Lemming way.
Why did Jesus go as fast as possible? To go at break Heck speed.
What do you call someone who throws her pouch in the water? Purse Sea.
Where do ill plants go? Mosspital.
What guitarist looked like a loaf? Bready Van Halen.
Why was the man’s terror Spanish? It was his panic.
What did the drinking champion win? The world sup.
Why is the foreign Richard weird? He’s an accent Rick.
Why was the patient with wide eyes used as steps? He was a stare case.
Why did the outdoors pancake go as fast as possible? It went flat out.
Why was the man aware when he made genuine optical organs? He real eyesd.
Why was the bullet upset? It was triggered.
What’s the friendliest person in the world’s favourite Iron Maiden song? Hellowed by the name.
What is the least tidy country? Messyco.
Why was the food in the military leader vague? It was in general.
What comedian has a computer in his wheel? Michael Mac in tyre.
What comedian has a burger in his wheel? Michale Big Mac in tyre.
Why did the smalltime criminal get handed words written by an LED? He got a light sentence.
Why did the man with no chest get pulled over by the police? Pec-less driving.
Why was Robert outgoing when he had a small TV role? He was an extra Bert.
Why was the black sludge in the sunlight factual? It was day tar.
What country does Gary go to when ill? Gaz ill.
What dessert do you get when you combine a pistol with part of a foot? A gat toe.
Why was the small Jonathan an area? He was a wee John.
What do you call someone who hears with bottle tops? Lid ear.
Why is Benjamin’s magazine used as fuel? It’s Ben’s zine.
How did the damaged CD stay fit? It skipped.
What caused the soldier to lose his small change? His pocket launcher.
When do baseball caps get made? Haturday.
What do you call someone who turns maps the wrong way around? Pam.
Why did the man suddenly remember when he took his brain for a run? He jogged his memory.
Why was the hand in the fridge also a doorstep? It was a thresh hold.
Why was the brain surgery patient unbiased? He was open minded.
Why did the cow poo in the bread guard the building? It was a pat roll.
Why did the man obsessed with money get eaten? He was a dough nut.
Why did the man die when he chewed on the aged iron? He bit the rust.
What drug stole the teenager? Nick a teen.
Why was the door opener in the shape of a letter chaotic? It was an R key.
Why did the Youtuber give brains to the river? For the live stream.
What writing equipment did the wise man seek? The fountain pen of knowledge.
Why did the fountain pen fall to the bottom of the sea? Because of its sink cartridge.
Where do football playing bankers work? Ball Street.
How was the shirt thief evaluated? He took a vest.
Why did the fed up, blood pumping organ get punctured? It was a heart, bored.
What material tripped the animal doctor? Fell vet.
Why did the man with two bums only consider one side of the argument? He was bi-assed.
How did the man with the 4th eye get into the building? He had eye D.
What do you call a cross between a guitarist and a chicken? Jeff Peck.
Why did the shifty soapy water go to jail? It was trouble bath.
How do building demolishers bathe? Rubble bath.
Why did the arrested man hold a ruler against his book? To get his story straight.
Why did the dog’s foot in the garden go to jail? It was an out paw.
Why did the man get a bad reputation when he made what he’s called shiny? He varnished his name.
What music is about gossip in ponds? Goss-pool.
What album do you get when Eleanor goes to the toilet? An Elle pee.
Why was the eye used by an actor also a cartoon character? It was prop eye.
Why was the snowman annoyed when he was reviewed? He was frost rated.
Why was the reviewed bread annoyed? It was crust rated.
Why did the friendly wine go to jail? It was chianti social.
What car do you get man a homeless man is quiet? A poor shhhhh.
Why was the champagne never wrong? It was right wine.
How did the brainwasher find the bomb? Mind sweeping.
Why was the floor with a mind disapproved of? It was a personality floor.
Why did the owner of the carpet with an identity get therapy? He had a personality floor.
Why was Alan detached when he stubbed his toe? He was Al ooof!
Why was it an amazing work of art when the lord was sleeping? It was a master peace.
Why was the horse’s foot unapproachable? It was a-hoof.
Why did the man beg when he broke his legs? He was roamless.
When did the car mechanic leave his job? When he retired.
What do women MPs wear? Blouses of parliament.
Why did the man insult someone whilst sweeping him away with a large cup? He mugged him off.
Why did the rubbish singer beg? He was toneless.
Why was the man outraged when Paul did something to him? He was a’Pauled.
Why did the rough area disappear? It was a cancel estate.
Why is everyone seated in London? It’s a sitty.
What meat worked in the petrol station? The fill it.
How did the man who put things inside a sleeveless shirt earn money? He in vested.
What drink do you get when Chino Moreno shoots someone? A capper Chino.
Why was the shouting about perfume a trader? It was a myrrh chant.
What’s the difference between a monetisation platform and an activated tree that gives people money? One’s Patreon, the other’s a pay tree, on.
Why did the driver put a jet engine on his safety harness? To fasten his seatbelt.
What was Rob Zombie called when he cried? Sob Zombie.
What was Rob Zombie called when he turned into a tree? Log Zombie.
What was Rob Zombie called when he turned into a bubble? Blob Zombie.
Why did the man who eats destroyed chairs trick others? He was de-seat full.
Why did the man who owned a farting pixie on a mountain think highly of himself? He had high elf ass steam.
What’s the difference between a strong mythical hero, and an annoying Elizabeth? One’s Hercules, the other’s berk Elise.
What’s the difference between someone who stole from the rich and gave to the poor, and someone who burgles rough areas? One’s Robin Hood, the other’s robin’ hoods.
What rodents are always drunk? Gin-ny pigs.
Why did the man placing something on a queue get bigger? He put on wait.
What did the half man, half dog do in the army? He was a barks man.
What do you call someone who’s face ran away? Cheek-go.
Why did the egg with legs keep appearing in the same gag? It was a running yoke.
How did the pastries sold by the road stay out trouble? They were street pies.
What do you call a surprised Englishman? A blimey!
Why was the man good at insulting others in a wheel chair? He was diss abled.
Why was the professional, tiny weight used by a computer? It was a pro gram.
Why did armies fight when a man smashed up everything? It was a bat all.
Why was the man speaking to the horse’s foot trustworthy? He told the hoof.
Why was the skilled farmer never late? He was a good thyme keeper.
Why did the foot builder get better? He heeled.
Why did the huge shotgun thief take a risk? He took a punt… gun.
Why did the man who looked like an optical organ do a jig and eat a potato? He was eye-ish.
What computer program is also an insect made of bread? A dough bee.
Why did the man with ’S’ written on his bum get tested? He was ass essed.
Why did the vocalist go to Hell? He singed.
Why did the man given leftovers go to sleep? He got the rest.
What do you call someone who calls for letters? You, N!
Why did the sold evening last 2 weeks? It was a bought night.
Why was the man without legs anonymous? He was paceless.
Why did the bunk bed destroyer prove someone wrong? He de bunked.
Why was the upright dye wrong? It was ink erect.
Why could the person rescuing the man on the mountain afford things? He saved up.
Why didn’t the man with no toilets know what to do? He was completely loo-less.
Who prosecuted the large body of water? Sue sea.
Why did the man who kicked the mosquito’s legs go to jail? Fly tripping.
Why did the iron get smaller? It de-creased.
What words do you get when a talking insect is given directions? Sent ant says.
Why was the abandoned caffeinated drink a southpaw? It was a left tea.
Why didn’t the breezy terminal move? It was station airy.
What dessert do people in slums eat? Chocolate ghetto.
Why was it okay when the binder failed at something? At least he tied.
Why was it okay when the chip cooker failed at something? At least he fried.
How did the man with a hoodie on his eye trick someone? He hoodwinked him.
What do you call a fish constructor? A gill-der.
Why did the woman pranked by Maria get a husband? She got Mary-d.
What U.S. state is a tiny chair? Mini Sofa.
Why was the man assaulted by a waste disposal unit let into the party? His was binfighted.
Why could the man eating indoors instinctively sense something? It was in chew-ition.
What’s a frog’s favourite racing game? Toad Rash.
Why could the relative given directions sense things? She was senty aunt.
Why did the elderly Anna rearrange her name? She was an Anna gran.
What colour is always cold? Am brrrr.
Where do Metallica throw their waste when feeling positive? A thrash can.
Why was everyone relaxed when the Indian restaurant was out of stock? There was no curry.
Why did the greedy man take it easy? He had all the thyme in the world.
Why was the land of banned lungs dangerous? It was a no blow area.
Why was the anti-bread street dangerous? It was a no dough area.
Why did the child gradually lose knowledge over time? He picked his knows.
Why was the man underweight when his friend gave him food? He was pal nourished.
Why was the man powned by Justin in the right? He was Justified.
Why wasn’t the man meeting his girlfriend on the mountain thirsty? He was high dated.
Why was the sword carried by the bee confused? It was bee-wielded.
What do you call the end of the world caused by sweets clarifying things? Fudge meant day.
What state has a woman drinking? Mrs. sippy.
Why was the insect eating a fruit a father? He was a pear ant.
How do bees on drugs greet each other? High hive.
Why did the king fight endlessly for his cause? He was royal.
Why is Dave Grohl’s door opener creepy? It’s foo-key.
Why was the man on the mountain with his vodka positive? He kept his spirits up.
Why did the longing man on drugs get paid a lot? He was a high yearner.
What exercise do you get when you play Ronnie James Dio at poker? Card Dio.
Why didn’t the thing inside the earth made of spines attract attention? It was in the back ground.
Why did no one care when the sleeper paid money? It was napper-fee.
Why did the poor cheddar maker fall over? He was weak at the cheese.
Why was the insult directed at a nail well motivated? It was diss a pin.
Why was the beehive malicious? It was bee ville.
Why was the man who poked a letter so smart? He was a prod a G.
Why was the skinny man on the ferry also an algae? He was a sea weed.
What do you call a woman with absolutely no door openers? Jack key.
Why was the fish made of money emotional? It was a fee ling.
What fish do you get when you take legal action against a woman? Sue she.
Why was the incorrect mass a false direction? It was the wrong weigh.
How did the cat weighing 28 grams attack the mouse? It ounced.
What do you call someone who keeps her mouth in a lair? Jaw den.
Why did the man catching the leg maker burst into flames? He caught thigher.
Why was it clear when the man got sun burned? It was sir tan.
What do you call Robert noticing something? A Bobservation.
Why did the man’s appearance make people nicer? It was a de-meaner.
What do you call an activated Lee? Lee on.
What do you call a happy Leroy? Gleeroy.
Why couldn’t the man without a goblin that ripped himself off be held accountable for his actions? He had no self-con-troll.
Why did the wide-eyed haemorrhoid build muscles? It was a stare-roid.
Why didn’t the cat get into much trouble when it stole a fish? It was pet-ty theft.
Why was the boy who broke the whip arrogant? He was a whipper snapper.
Why did the Egyptian ruler pass through the air with ease? He was pharaoh dynamic.
Why did Morris’s anger move? It was Moe bile.
Why was the biggest toy gun also the world? It was mother Nerf.
Why was the repaired football match scandalous? It was fixed.
Why did the man encourage someone when he activated him through eggs? He egged him on.
Why was the man with the ability to ask things shifty? He was question-able.
Why was the man inside the kind square healthy? He was in good shape.
Why did the minor damage hater work with teeth? He was a dent-ist.
Why was the canine’s mother a belief? It was dog ma.
Why was the addition in the breeze also a synopsis? It was a sum, airy.
Why did the conservative die when he turned into a snake? He was hiss-tory.
What’s your door opening relative’s favourite wine? Key aunty.
Where did the heavy rock guitarist sleep? Beddy Van Halen.
Where does your brother protect you from the sun? The brozone layer.
Why did the hand joint thief gamble? He was a wrist taker.
Why is armour part of computers? It’s hard wear.
What heavy metal sub-genre do people listen to in weddings? Groom metal.
Why did the witch who used a computer keyboard keep getting the same acting roles? She was type cast.
What sex has their impulse inside? Whim in.
What do you call someone who has hardly any sea? Trace sea.
What disease do you get when Annabel hits someone? Anne thwacks.
Why did the man’s expected tea give him a sense of responsibility? It was his due tea.
Why was the cloth jumper also a computer program? It was soft wear.
Why is the dinner jacket used as a bowl? It’s supper wear.
Why was the window warehouse sore? It was pane-full.
Why did the sea filled with thighs stand the test of time? It was a leggy sea.
Why did the man challenged by the herb last forever? He stood the test of thyme.
Why did the radical optical organ teach religion? It was a rad eye.
Why are no women bipolar? Because it’s man-ic depression.
Why was the goo from the man crazy? It was man ick.
What curry do you get when a bird drives a vehicle made of a caffeinated drink? Chicken tea car.
Why was the male being peaceful? It was sir-entity.
Why did the man vomit when he lobbed the ladder? He threw up.
Why didn’t the dish arrive on time? It was plate.
Why was the butter eater ecstatic? He was filled with ghee.
Why was the man without a sense of sight, hearing, smell and taste illogical? He was nonsensical.
Why was your auntie’s Christmas disappointing ? It was an aunty climax.
Why didn’t the insincere man’s conversation make sense? It was glibberish.
Why was the mission for the potato a huge mess? It was a mish mash.
Why was the rising teddy bear on a romantic evening modernised? He was up date Ted.
Why was the eaten potato used as a weapon? It was a mash etty.
Why did the man looking at the short passage of music drink blood? He was a vamp eyer.
In what country do you feel fine? The you ‘kay.
Why did the man inside the professional vegetable that was eaten act poorly? He was in a pro pea, et.
Where do you get spliffs for ten pounds? Tenner reef.
What band kidnapped Daniel? Stealy Dan.
Why didn’t the confused critic do anything? He didn’t know what to boo.
Why didn’t much effort go into arm research? It was a side project.
Why didn’t the car stop in time? Because of the take a break fluid.
What sexes pay men? Fee males.
What’s the difference between an Asian country and your wok? One’s Japan, the other’s ya pan!
How did the pet owner die? He had a stroke.
Why was the boat on the woman’s face used as makeup? It was an eye liner.
Why was the drinking that was false used as a source? It was a sup lie.
Why was the diamond in the optical organ born in May? It was a gem in eye.
Why did the phone maker organise troops? He mobilised.
Why were the roads of lentils dangerous? They were bean streets.
Why didn’t the sack thief like what he stole? It wasn’t his bag.
Why was the optical organ fraud memorable? He was an eye con.
How did the man who taunted the clever insect die? Solve ant abuse.
Why was the sapphire stroker sad? He was feeling blue.
Why did the man made of cloth let the criminal free? He was soft.
What do you call someone who only burgles indoors? Rob in.
Why did the man make a pencil whilst debating? To make a point.
Why didn’t the man in bed tell the truth? He lied.
How did the man turn his class into a bus? He coached them.
Why was the breeze on the brain amazing? It was mind blowing.
Why didn’t the man who forgot what the herb looked like know what time of day it was? He lost all sense of thyme.
Why was the pork in Spring chaotic? It was May ham.
Where does the lifting bee that is activated live? The carry bee on.
What’s the difference between an unlocked door and someone who has seen their biro for the first time in years? One’s open, the other says ‘oh pen!’
Why did the hat measurer sink his boat? He cap sized.
What’s the difference between someone who shared a secret and a fraudulent leg that’s deceased? One confided, the other’s a con thigh, dead.
Why did two people feel the same when the cat was in the fridge? The feeling was mew chill.
Why did the aimless man have his liver, kidneys and spleen stolen? He was dis-organised.
What part of the music hit the percussion? The drum beat.
Why was the man sprinting out of the rabbit poor? He ran out of bunny.
What comic is anti sport? Tennis the menace.
What is your smelly dad’s favourite spice? Pap reeker.
Why was the man cautious after eating fruit? He was pear-full.
Why was the missile in the country evil? It was a bomb in nation.
How did the man who told a fib through an application get a job? He app lied.
How did the dentist operating on his own teeth get ready? He braced himself.
Why did the man in front of the speeding Christmas have free time? He was ahead of sped-yule.
How was the deceased man in the well transferred from online? He was down low, dead.
Why was the non-hand used in a war? It was nay palm.
Why was the wind silly? It was draft.
Why was the leader a bright star AND a form of music? He was boss, a nova.
Why was the man with William’s special ability strong? He had Will power.
Where did Jeff get sent to after he elongated his name and killed someone? Jeff row.
Why was the deactivated number frequent? It was off ten.
Why was the imprisonment also a hat’s dish washing? It was a cap chore.
Where did needy victorian dogs work? Paw houses.
Why did the escapees head to the decaffeinated drink? They ran to safe tea.
Why couldn’t the man who took four items remember? He four got.
Why do people walk like crazy in the Southeastern European country? It’s roam mania.
Why was the addition on the palm attractive? It was hand sum.
Why did the fruit eater say ‘thanks’? He was grape full.
Why could the man seeing numbers predict the future? He had four sight.
Why did the man spying on the computer hacker cut down a tree? He was a hack saw.
Why did lots of people see the kind bend in the country road? There was a good turn out.
Why were the dinosaur people also noodles? They were ragh! men.
What instrument is the annoying pirate? A git arrrgh.
What genre of music does your father listen to? Pap.
What genre does your father listen to when holding an iron bar? Pap metal.
As the universe is infinite, that means everyone is in the centre of it. That makes you self-centred. Sort yourself out!
Why did the in use car stop grieving? It moved on.
Why did the man who walked away from the stinging insect have faith? He bee leaved.
Why did the man pouring water on people hard of hearing go to jail? Making deaf wets.
Why was the maths student disturbed? He had mental problems.
Why was the oatmeal mean? It was gruel.
Why did the solitary fish demand huge amounts of money? It was a lone shark.
Why did people avoid the man prodding Deanna? He was Dee pressing.
Why was the new sock evil? It was un-holey.
Why did Jonathan, the man who peed out windows come from Glasgow? He was glass wee John.
Why did the man with no hands lose control of the situation? He couldn’t get a grip.
Why was the man’s torn tendon in a book? It was a chap tore.
Where do you find the male’s passage between seats? The aisle of man.
Why did the drink have nothing to do? It was poured.
Where do slices of bread in the first dimension go on holiday? The toast line.
Why did the man keep bragging after breakfast? He was toast full.
Why was the man cured of haemorrhoids distracted? He was piles away.
Why did the man mocked by the newspaper freeze? He was punned.
Why is the sea so violent? It’s assault water.
Why did the man rest after he stole the fractured bone? He took a break.
Why was the addition eroder in some place? It was sum wear.
Why did the knight scraping his cheek do a rushed job? He scratched the sir face.