Right, my dad said my brother’s family SHOULD be visiting me today (at the time of writing on a Sunday), so my plan is to blog about that. I however am skeptical, not because such people are shifty, but because I’ve shaved. What have I got to say to newcomers of this site? Why have I linked my brother with me shaving? Oh never mind, let’s just say it’s not a superstition, more evidence based. I’m a scientific person rather than paranoid (now that I take Clozapine, it’s a hell

Simon: Hello! With me on today’s mega blog is the whole of Charlie’s excellent egg family! Charlie: Thank you for having me. Wendy: Me too. Henry: Likewise… Simon: We have depressed egg bully, Mike… Mike: Hello. Simon: We have the notorious fish warlord, Le Poisson Militaire who I believe has now conquered 95% of Earth… LPM: Hi. Simon: We have someone who may or may not have been inspired by a numberplate, going by the name of the Kamikaze Popo… KP: Hi. Simon: And judging by

Simon: Right! If all goes to plan, I’ll be cracking on with blog 600 tomorrow! In the meantime, are you all getting pumped??? The Dominant Egg: I sure am! Simon: And how about you, Pig Cadaver, are you getting pumped? Pig Cadaver: … Simon: Are you getting pumped, pig cadaver? PC: … Simon: I said are you getting pumped, pig cadaver? PC: … Simon: Oh forget it. DE: I think he’s still depressed he’s inspired by a numberplate… Simon: Of course. DE: Either that, or he’s dead… Simon

It’s time to review another one of Matt’s school-based sketches! Long story short, Matt keeps explaining to his pupils that they can play video games once they finish their test, and no one can get their head around the idea. When I was in school, I didn’t have the option of playing computer games after finishing a test (although in infant school I was allowed to play with Lego after completing various tasks, it just wasn’t very enjoyable), I certainly didn’t finish tests in

Oh no, I’ve only done three blogs this month?? Let’s put that right now and do another diary! It will be a little depressing for me maybe, as I don’t really like describing how boring my life is in detail for several hours, but… I’m stuck. I guess I’ll have to say something that pulls you in right away… 8:52: I woke up. Not particularly interesting, although it is something we can all relate to. 9:12: Emails and such have all been checked. Wow, 20 solid minutes of checking, I

Yesterday, I went to Staines again! However, you may have been confused by the title, so let me explain. Tree(1) isn’t a very big number, nor is Tree(2), but for reasons I don’t understand, Tree(3) is ridiculously massive, and Tree(4) is plain insane. However, Simon’s Number (the amount of times I’d been to Staines, two or so years ago) is way bigger than Tree(3) OR 4, so Tree(Simon’s Number) is so vast, it can only be understand by the select few. Hell, I don’t understand it

As I was in extreme need of a break AND a day out, I decided to go to a lovely walk in Richmond Park, yesterday. I’ll also be going to Staines in the next few days, because the walk wasn’t enough. God knows what its title will be. Will Wix let me give a 500 word title? Maybe it will, but if not, well… where do I go from my last Staines blog? Maybe I could just say ‘Staines Mega to the power of fifty million billion trillion’ or maybe it’s too much of an exaggeration? Anyway,

Matt and co. haven’t released a full blown podcast in a while, I presume because they’ve stopped teaching over the Summer holidays. However, they could make a show about them partying which would be just as fun, if not more so. Unless maybe the people they hang out with are just as awful as the children they teach. And if they are? Personally, I’d like to hear about that, too. I don’t mean to sound like the person who sirs things up, but actually I’d rather hear about that. S

Today (at the time of typing) I will be watching England play against Argentina, and not only that, I’ll be eating a pizza! I had Papa John’s on Saturday, I went to an undisclosed pizza place on Sunday and I’ll get a similar meal from somewhere else, today. What can I say? I like pizza. There is variety when it comes to different establishments clearly, though I will get my second Hawaiian of the week later on as it’s my favourite. Also, I read that England have a 2% better c

Yesterday I properly celebrated by birthday by going on a shopping trip in Kingston then going for a meal with my family! Right, as I walked to the train station my trousers kept falling down which was annoying, obviously. I guess I need some more clothes from Staines, God knows what I’m going to call that blog, the title alone will surely end up having about 50 words in it, many repeated. Once I got on the train I could tighten my trousers up. I may have looked like a perv a

Yesterday, I overslept over half an hour, despite two alarm clocks attempting to wake me up. The first alarm I just turned off and whilst the second sounds the time you tell it too (makes sense so far), you can only request an extra five minutes sleep twice, or it will give up on you completely and won’t even bother trying to get you out of bed. I wish I knew that before. Nothing mature quite yet, but the feeling of waking up to a dry pillow after all these years was pretty g

To start the day (Tuesday at the time of writing), I got my email checking and stuff out of the way, but my daily joke and shape wasn’t posting on my Wix site for some unknown reason, which bugged me because as hinted at a while ago, people keep spreading rumours that I’ve died. I’ve finally succumbed to my clumsiness, I got severely lost and starved to death, you name it, someone has said it. There could be worse days not to post than my birthday, though. Someone could think

It’s time for another Matt & co. teacher themed podcast blog, now let’s go! Matt talks about getting his students to put on a live show, and after the show he thinks to himself ‘That was a lot of fun. It destroyed my mental health, but it was a lot of fun’. Sounds harmless? Maybe it is, but you know what also is so called ‘fun’ and destroys your mental health? Drugs. I’m not saying Matt is on drugs or is even prone to taking them, I’m just saying whilst Matt is in a good plac

England are about to play Panama in the world cup! Before that though, I’ll be talking about the pre-match talk and not only that, I’ll be listing the times things get said/the times where I make humorous observations! Hell, sometimes I may say things that come across as stupid, stay in school, kids. I’ll tell you what is smart, though: I won’t be saying ‘PM’ this time, but using the 24 hour clock! It’s that little bit more sophisticated, now let’s go! 20:58: I basically miss

Yesterday I went to Staines, partly to get a gift for my dad on father’s day, but mostly because I was bored out of my mind. I could have gone to Kingston to spice things up even more (it being the better town) but that’s for my birthday! In fact, A.I. says Kingston is 6 to 8 times larger than Staines (a bit vague for so called ‘artificial intelligence’, let’s pray it has nothing to do with making calculations for rockets), meaning my birthday shopping trip will be 6 to 8 tim

Today, (at the time of writing) England will be playing Croatia in the football world cup! Or rather the soccer world cup, I think it’s only fair to use that word as the competition is being held in America. I know this is coming from me, but you have to try and fit in don’t you? I think everyone in the audience should be forced to eat cheeseburgers and hotdogs, again to fit in. I mean it’s not hard is it? Tasty maybe. What was I doing earlier in the day? I wrote jokes for fi

Yesterday I went to get my car’s MOT sorted out! To start things off, I handed my previously written mobile phone number (how’s about that for organisation??) to the receptionist, but she didn’t take my number, she wrote it down for herself. On the one hand that suggests she doesn’t trust my handwriting, but on the plus side I could keep my phone number for myself. I guess as numbers go, it is aesthetically pleasing. It has a wide variety of digits, I mean. Would you believe

Simon: Right! Another 15 contests have passed since my last Ultimate Contest mega post, so it’s time to do another ultra blog and list the last 15 scores I gave to Matt’s podcasts. You can find the following scores on my Facebook Unsubscribe Tribe page, but no one visits it, so let’s justify the time I spent doing the following ratings now! To spice things up, we have a new guy on the Wiedemann Comedy scene, called The Homicidal Cheeseburger! HC: Thank you for having me. Simo

It’s time for another Matt and co. teacher themed podcast blog! Oh wow, they have 999 subscribers? Not only is that a palindrome AND the number for the emergency services in England, one more sub and they’ll get monetised! I also like the number because you can arrange it in any way you like and it will still end up being exactly the same, now let’s go! Oh wow, Matt compares another podcaster to God. Sounds like the ultimate compliment, but when the other teacher realises he

Simon: Oh no. I’ve received another Adsense message I don’t understand and that I have to (apparently) do something about, otherwise something (I don’t know what) may or may not happen to my site’s adverts. Last time it turned out I had to do nothing at all despite all that was said (and there was a lot of it), hopefully this time will be exactly the same, now let’s get stuck in. Rather worryingly it begins with gibberish straight away… Adsense: New signal for age-related com