My Top 50 Albums (Blog 13/Superblog 1)

Hello, halo, bona, and hello, again! I’ve spent the last few days, doing another draft of my first book, ‘The Danger of Provers’; I’ve done some reviewing for theindependentvoice.com, and I’ve edited five of my sketches and put them on my site. I’ve also had some semi-good news. Sort of. I made the final shortlist of a script writing contest, but I didn’t quite make it. Annoyingly, I paid £60 to enter the thing, but I did get a nice compliment. Is praise worth £60? Sure. Why not? I’ve recently emailed a few people, in attempts at finding work, and I’m getting my two manuscripts proofread, so I can FINALLY self-publish them on Amazon.

As I wait for the results of my work-spam and such, I thought I’d do a super blog. You will be discovering my top 50 of 600 albums, from worst to best, and you will acquire information, that only I can give. Trust me. Only one album from a band is allowed, and note that sometimes my tastes change over time. My top favourite albums tend to always be my top favourites, however…. Lastly, this post will be very long, and quite possible boring. Therefore, to keep it light, I think I’ll go off topic, from time to time.

Ok, from No. 50 in my special run-through, down to No. 43, we start things off, with the ‘good music’ section. Pretty self explanatory, really; here are the albums I think are not great, but certainly worth a listen, from time to time.

No. 50 - NitroGods, by NitroGods: Here you get retro rock and roll from a group of Germans, formed in 2011. What’s the point of listening to it? Well, as old school fun fests go, this is pretty damn fine. It’s also about as sophisticated as the genre gets, before it becomes prog or jazz. As enjoyable as the not too different Motorhead were, their music was really simple, for the most part. (I only said ‘for the most part’, as I haven’t heard all of their music. It could well be that all of Motorhead’s music is simple). NitroGods don’t sound anything like Nitro and Michael Angelo Batio, and they certainly aren’t the Gods of them technically speaking, but hey. Whatever.

No. 49 - Parcel of Rogues, by Steeleye Span: Here is something a little different. It’s, folk music, not brutal death metal. However, my dad did once describe PoR’s song ‘Alison Gross’, as ‘very heavy’. Yeah. Maybe for its era. No, actually what about Black Sabbath and even Deep Purple? Now that I’ve thought about it, what the hell was he on about?

No. 48 - The Best of Saxon, by Saxon: Worth buying for ‘Princess of the Night’, alone. It doesn’t feature the most advanced musicianship of all time, but does that matter? If you listen to ‘O.F.R.’, by the aforementioned Nitro, you may not want to hear another shred solo in your entire life. No, Nitro aren’t on my list.

No. 47 - Live and Dangerous, by Thin Lizzy: Often regarded as one of the best live rock albums ever. ‘Jailbreak’, ‘Emerald’, and ‘Sha La La La La La La’ are all gold. However, apparently about 25% of this record was modified later in a recording studio, so the band kind of cheated. If I could, I’d tell the group, ’it’s ok, sometimes mistakes aren’t that noticeable… Actually, wait… 25% of what you played were errors? That’s pretty bad, you know? That’s 1 in every 4 notes.’ To be fair, though, if you listen to some modern music, it’s pretty much all corrected by computer.

No. 46 - Time Odyssey, by Vinnie Moore: The first instrumental rock album on my list. It’s obviously inspired by Yngwie Malmsteen, but thank the Lord he wasn’t too inspired. If he mimicked his God awful soloing style of super fast scales that never end, he would never of had a chance of entering my elite 50. Mr. Malmsteen may be one of the most influential guitarists in history, but he did rob countless later axe wielders completely of their sense of taste. Even those of today.

No. 45 - The Apostasy, by Behemoth: Even heavier than ‘Parcel of Rogues’. 100 points go out to anyone who can identify a single word the vocalist ‘sings’. Even though the choir parts in ‘Slaying the Prophets ov Isa’ are clean, they’re still pretty cryptic. They’re also pretty special, as they will scare the shit out of your nan. Finally, there is great drumming throughout this album.

No. 44 - Master of Puppets, by Metallica: The first album of its genre on my list. As MoP is usually thought of as the best thrash album of all time, surely it’s the last violently hitting, or violently moving CD, in my chart?…

No. 43 - Rust in Peace, by Megadeth: No! I think this is just a tiny bit better. Or is it? Sometimes I can’t decide. What can’t be denied however, is the fact that the guitarings are on a whole other level. Songs like ‘Take no Prisoners’ and ‘Holy Wars’ are sure to get your adrenaline pumping. And the solo of ‘Tornado of Souls?’ Jeeeez.

Alright, so that was my ‘good’ section. Coming up, is my very good section, where things are just an incy bit better. There you will find some of the best classic rock ever recorded, some stuff you’ve almost certainly never heard of, and some more German stuff. Why is the following superior than the material, preceding? For one thing, you’ll often hear improved fretwork…

No, no, no….. Things are getting too samey. You need something new! So…. Here are some jokes I invented for a festive gag competition….

‘Mum, why is Donald Trump so unpopular?’ ‘Because people don’t want him to reign, dear’.

Why is Donald Trump a cannibal? Because at Christmas he eats fruitcake.

No, I didn’t win. :(

Ok, No. 42 - 1984, by Van Halen: My 13 year old self would kill me for placing this album at a mere 42nd (in a kind of weird, time traveller murder/suicide), but times have changed. I’m not as big a fan as I once was. BUT, I still really like these people, and ‘Girl Gone Bad’, remains as one of my favourite songs of all time. The mysterious intro is really cool, and sadly unique. ‘Hot for Teacher’, ‘House of Pain’, and ‘Panama’ are all great songs. Maybe this album does deserve to be higher up. Hm.

No. 41 - Basket of Light, by Pentangle: Another folk recording, but better than the Steeleye Span one. Perhaps not as savage, though. It’s more relaxing if anything, which is why I like it. Its melodies are just so lovely.

No. 40 - Winterhearts Guild, by Sonata Arctica: Kind of cheesy, and the guitarist is just another mind, poisoned by Yngwie’s trailblazing scale abuse. However, I do like the vocal themes. I wish the drummer would shut up, though. There is only so much double pedalling I can take.

No. 39 - Surfing with the Alien, by Joe Satriani: One of the best known guitar albums of all time. (But is it the best quality??) ‘Satch Boogie’, ‘Surfing with the Alien’ and ‘Always with Me, Always with You’ are all classics, there is no filler, and the mental solo of ‘Crushing Day’ is one of my all-time faves. It does deserve to be higher, really, I just tend to prefer music with vocals.

Don’t lose me, don’t lose me. Here’s a gag, that’s more up to date: What will be the next animal born, under the Aries sign of the zodiac? An Ape Will.

Righto, No. 38 - Slipknot, by Slipknot: If you went to secondary school, around the year 2000, and you haven’t heard of this band, you’re a retard. Whole groups of people would wear this band’s hoodies. Why? Because of the ridiculous drum fills, and the insanity of everything. Many people don’t appreciate the truth that the singer actually has a very pleasing voice, demonstrated in songs such as ‘Wait and Bleed’. It’s a shame he doesn’t sing like that more often, but I guess that’s what his other band ‘Stone Sour’ are for.

No. 37 - Speed Metal Symphony, by Cacophony: Pretty damn impressive, really. The whole album is filled with innovative, Japanesey guitar work and more typical shred metal. Track 7, ‘Speed Metal Symphony’ is kind of an under appreciated masterpiece. Not funny, but true.

No. 36 - Blood in Our Wells, by Drudkh: Excellent music, from a Ukrainian black metal band. Why do all the best black metal artists come from cold countries? You’d think the nice and crispy weather would cheer people up. That’s why Norway is one of the world’s happiest countries, and why criminals got deported to Australia. Something doesn’t make sense, here.

No. 35 - High Definition, by Vitalij Kuprij: This obscure vocal-less album is kind of incredible. The pyrotechnics are first class and so is the composition. A very greedy person on Amazon once tried to sell this album for around £100, but fortunately, now you can get it for a tenner. Tragically, there would be many people who would have paid the full price, had they known about it.

No. 34 - Infest, by Papa Roach: ‘Last Resort’ ripped off Iron Maiden, but who cares?

No. 33 - Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da, by Rammstein: Yes, their latest album. Rammstein have matured nicely over time. Like a fine cheese.

No. 32 - Jesu, by Jesu: Really depressing. But in a good way.

Are you getting tired, again? Just in case, here’s a joke for the near future: Why are people so suspicious in the Summer? Because people keep asking ‘d’you lie?’

… And to go full throttle on fun, here’s an interesting fact, you can impress your friends with: Did you know that Spaniards are ten times more likely to die in a fishing accident, than people from other countries? No one knows why. :S

Charged up and ready to go? Good. No. 31 - Rage Against the Machine, by Rage Against the Machine: Things are getting better, still… Here we have funky riffs, guitar leads that at the time, had never been done before, cool and stylish songs, and lots of variety, etc. This debut makes all their over albums sound like poop. Zack de la Rocha keeps repeating his lyrics over and over, but that doesn’t matter, as he sounds so cool.

No. 30 - Diary of a Madman, by Ozzy Osbourne: There are loads of timeless tunes, here. The riff of ‘Believer’ is perhaps the best in the world, ever. ’S.A.T.O.’ (famously ‘Send Away the Octopus’), shows that the band’s creativity isn’t just limited to their music. What a title! As Randy Rhoads is on strings, you can expect some first-rate neoclassical guitar parts, created before the dreaded Yngwie era.

Alright, time for another breather. Then, we have the ‘almost great’, section. You can expect more virtuosity, some vintage stuff, and some more modern works. You even have some 90s disco to look forward, to. :S …………….. But first….. How about a funny story???

…. So I was tying my shoelaces up, as my dad was listening to Wagner’s ‘Ride of the Valkyries’. You may know that it’s a pretty dramatic piece of music. You also probably consider the tying up of string a rather mundane task. That is why what happened next was so cool. The exact moment I finished tying the knot, a powerful and triumphant major chord played. To an observer, it could appear that the completion of my bow was some kind of extraordinary feat. Sadly, there weren’t any witnesses but still… I laughed inside.

No. 29 - Rising Force, by Yngwie Malmsteen: Yes, the album that thieved millions of later performers of their sense of aesthetics. From this point on, (1984), many rockers gave up on the idea of playing cool pentatonic licks, and chose instead to play harmonic minor scales up and down, as fast as is physically possible. And I’m not talking about harmonic minor riffs, here, I’m literally saying they decided to just run up and down the neck, with no thought. So why is this album in 29th position? Listen to ‘Now Your Ships are Burned’, and you’ll hear it totally rips. Before I had this CD, the only access to this music I had was through MIDI files, and even THEY blew me away! That was when I was about 14, though. 14 year olds are idiots.

No. 28 - Street Lethal, by Racer X: If there is a better speed metal album, I haven’t heard it. And don’t think I haven’t looked for it, either. It’s almost perfect in every way, but sometimes the singer’s voice is TERRIBLE. ‘Blowing up the Radio’ is ruined by his presence. Fortunately however, his delivery in songs such as ‘Loud and Clear’ is perfectly reasonable. It seems we have another Yngwie fan, with Paul Gilbert, and no, not in a good way. Well, he has his moments.

No. 27 - The Number of the Beast, by Iron Maiden: I’ve actually done a full review of this album, you can find in my home page. To sum this album up, quickly; I, VI, VII. That is all.

Fatigued already, loosing all hope, and want a haiku??? Not a problem, I’ve got this sorted…

A foolish black cat

Climbed up a feeble black tree

Pandemonium

Let’s go crazy, and have a whole sketch. What follows, is an unsuccessful submission for News Jack…

TITLE: DAME VERA HAS-BEEN

1. INTRO: Dame Vera Lynn will soon be celebrating her 100th birthday, by releasing a new album. However, not everyone is keen about the idea of hearing re-orchestrated music over her old vocals. But then again, there will always be critics.

2. FX: CONTINUOUS SWEEPING NOISES ARE HEARD, ALONG WITH THE WANDERING FOOTSTEPS OF TWO PEOPLE.

3. MAN 1: I can't believe that Dame Vera Lynn is releasing a rehashed album, soon... I know we're just caretakers, but it's obvious that's a bad idea.

4. MAN 2: I know. She still thinks that song 'We'll Meet Again', is relevant decades after the second world war? Just tell her to let it go.

5. MAN 1: I have done, but she's really pig headed. She's obviously obsessed with some long lost love, as she also insisted she put a previously unreleased version of 'Sailing' on the album.

6. MAN 2: The one that goes ‘I’ll be sailing stormy waters to be near you’, or whatever?

7. MAN 1: Exactly. I didn't have the heart to tell her, her old wartime boyfriend or whatever is most likely dead.

8. MAN 2: Maybe we could give subtle hints that whoever she's singing about is gone.

9. MAN 1: Next time I see her, I'll start singing 'but I know we'll meet again, some sunny day... Because Heaven is sunny all day'...

10. FX: A DOOR OPENS. THE PREVIOUS PACING AND SWEEPING STOPS.

11. MAN 2: Oh, no it's her.

12. FX: FRAIL FOOTSTEPS GET LOUDER.

13. DAME VERA LYNN: (singing) .... We'll meet ag...

14. MAN 1: Look, Vera, people die, ok?!

15. MAN 2: Mark!!

16. DVL: I don't think my singing can KILL people...

17. MAN 2: Your boyfriend is dead!

18. DVL: My husband, you mean? He died in 1998...

19. MAN 2: .... Oh, right. Good. That you had a husband, I mean. That could have been awkward...

Aaaaand, No. 26 - Legendary Tales, by Rhapsody: It’s full blown cheese! It’s also, epic symphonic metal, and another album that shook me up, as a teenager.

Alright, writing this blog, was harder than I expected it to be. Now I’m half way through, should I stop, here, and continue my countdown, in another entry? There is no way I can get down to No.1, in this post, in a way that isn’t demented. Hopefully I’ve introduced you to some awesome records, or at least good, very good and almost great ones. Yep, the really killer stuff is yet to come…. But what will it be??? And what will I do to keep my writing engaging??? More importantly, how do I explain my taste in pop music, without sounding like a bellend? No wait, I have an idea. Ok, we’re continuing with the almost great section.

No. 25 - Glory to the Brave, by Hammerfall: This is another album I’ve reviewed, fully. Joacim Cans is quite the character.

You’ve learnt something valuable, now it’s time for a reward - some wisdom to enhance your life! THAT’S how I’m going to write this thing… Heeere weee goooooo…..

‘Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus’. - Ozzy Osbourne

No. 24 - Hybrid Theory, by Linkin Park: This is kind of like boyband metal music. Can you ever imagine a boyband screaming ‘SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU?’ Because that’s what happens. There are lots of nice tunes on this album. Having said that, the chorus to ‘Crawling’, keeps using the same note, over and over. It’s either shit or genius. They certainly make the most of their material.

You want another quote. You can’t have one. :( I’ve just remembered I’ve done a lot with quotes already, in my joke reviews. Don’t worry, though, I’ll be giving you some neat song facts! Ever wondered what Black Sabbath’s song ’N.I.B.’, stands for? Well, it stands for ’Nitro is Bad’. Yes, an eerily prophetic acronym, as Nitro weren’t formed until 1987.

No. 23 - Debut, by Bjork: Never mind about this one. Skip, skip, skip.

We’re back to Nitro, again. Ever wondered what their song ‘O.F.R.’ stands for? Well, it’s ‘Only Fabulous Radios’.

No. 22 - Cult of Static, by Static X: I don’t really know why I like this album. It’s pretty monotonous… and static. However, it does have an intriguing dark tone to it, which I like.

AC/DC - Ants Can’t/Do Cleaning.

No. 21 - Tales of Creation, by Candlemass: This is perhaps my favourite Candlemass album. It’s not their best known or most appreciated project, but it’s a little more spooky than their classic albums, ‘Epicus, Doomicus, Metallicus’, (no that is NOT Latin), and ‘Nightfall’. Or as they would put it ‘Nightfallicus’. It certainly surpasses a lot of their later stuff, and their ridiculously over-the-top singing. What were they thinking??

VAN HALEN - Very Awful Nuns, Have Allergies Like Edward Norton. - A weird one, I know.

No. 20 - City, by Strapping Young Lad: This is one of the noisier albums on my list. It’s pretty damn intense, perhaps even more so than the Slipknot album. Fans of extreme metal, must check this collection of songs out. Screamers like ‘Oh my Fucking God’, do what they say on the tin, so to speak.

SYSTEM OF A DOWN - Some Yoyos Sometimes Think Edward Makes Oranges Fall. All Day, Oranges Win Nothing. Yeah, things got weirder, still.

No. 19 - Visions, by Stratovarius: This is an album from the band that aren’t quite violins, OR guitars. The choruses are the cat’s pyjamas, they really are. They’re so anthemic your gran will want to sing along. As for the guitar solos…. Yngwie! You’ve done it, again! Give Stratovarius their sense of judgement back!

STEVE VAI - Simon Trusts Edward Very Effectively. Vegetables Are Invincible. Yep, Steve Vai isn’t a name, it’s an acronym. The real name of ’Mr. Vai’, is actually Frederick Terwilliger.

No. 18 - Stone Sour, by Stone Sour: So this is what Slipknot would sound like if they weren’t yelling their heads off, all the time. Ok, and if they slowed down their music a lot. And made it significantly less heavy. And reduced the amount of band members. And got rid of the hip-hop influences. Yeah, this band is very different to Slipknot, actually. They’re still good though. What a voice!

Another section is completed. You’ve had a brief tour of almost greatness, coming up, we have actual greatness. Things are a little different in what you are about to read, now. Interestingly, expert finger skills aren’t such a prominent feature, in these gems.

No. 17 - Team Sleep, by Team Sleep: This is Chino Moreno’s side project. Who’s he? Only the singer of ultra-band, Deftones, that’s all. No biggie. What’s the music like? A lot mellower than his metal band. It’s kind of sleepy. It’s not just Chino who performs in a dreamy way. His whole team do.

No. 16 - Dookie, by Green Day: Yes…. A very well known and accessible album in my chart… I’m feeling a little weird, right now. I’ll move on.

No. 15 - Plead the Fifth, by Taproot: Who cares, let’s get this done…

No. 14 - The Thirteenth Step, by A Perfect Circle: Come on, come on….

No. 13 - Break the Cycle, by Staind: Getting there, now….

No. 12 - Point #1, by Chevelle: Nearly at the top ten…

No. 11 - Portamento, by The Drums: Indie music! How about that?

No. 10 - Maximum Security, by Tony MacAlpine: Alright, THIS is the best guitar album in the universe, ever.

The ‘Great’ section is concluded. Want to find out about some AWESOME releases??? Read on…

No. 9 - Aenima, by Tool: Maynard James Keenan’s second appearance.

No. 8 - Me saying I like this album, will make me sound weird. Next.

No. 7 - Never Mind, by Nirvana: You know this album, anyway.

No. 6 - Mezcal Head, by Swervedriver: I discovered this diamond through Road Rash, on the PS1. All of its songs are just super.

No. 5 - Pretty Hate Machine, by NIN: Cheer up.

This is the moment you’ve been waiting for! These are the ‘Fucking Amazing’ CDs!!!!

No. 4 - Stone Roses, by The Stone Roses: If these people don’t like media attention, they’ll get none from me. It’s not that I’m out of ideas; Stone Roses rhymes with Lone Poses, see? More insightful gold, for you.

No. 3 - Ten by Pearl Jam: Sometimes I wonder if I actually like this album, or if I’ve been subconsciously screwed with. The title ‘Ten’ is instantly associated with ten out of ten, isn’t it? I know I want to give this album that rating, anyway. And ‘Pearl Jam?’ Pearls are precious, and so is jam! I’m onto you.

No. 2 - You’d Prefer an Astronaut, by Hum: Hm. I’ve already done this one, too… I mean, what else can I say? Er… It was released by the label, ‘RCA’, or ‘Red Cabbage Alliance’… Oh yeah, the singer, Matt Talbott has the same name as one of the characters in my book, ‘One Screwy Week’. That was a coincidence, wasn’t it?

….. And for the grand finale….

No. 1 - White Pony, by Deftones: Oh, God. Another one I’ve already dealt with. What I haven’t done, however, is tell you the ratings other people have given this masterwork. I will review the reviews, for you…

AllMusic - 4 out of 5 stars - They were nearly right, but not really.

Alternative Press - 5/5 - There we go….

Entertainment Weekly - B+ - Why can’t you be more like AP?

Kerrang! - 5/5 - Bingo.

Los Angeles Times - 3 out of 4 stars - Who uses a four star system? Don’t trust these people.

Melody Maker - 4 out of 5 stars - Could be better, could be worse. (Should be better).

NME - 8/10 - Ditto.

Q - 3 out of 5 stars - No, no, no!

Rolling Stone - 3 out of 5 stars - What?

Spin - 4/10 - Fuck off.

And there we have it! My top 50 albums! You have just found out the best music Earth has to offer, and you have discovered that you shouldn’t listen to anything Spin has to say. In fact, if anyone tells you they work for Spin, I want you to slap them hard in the face. If you ever do so, you will never be charged for it, instead, you will be knighted by the Queen. Alternative Press, and Kerrang!, on the other hand, are sweet, sweet angels, and you must sacrifice your life for them, if necessary. BYE!!!