Thorpe Park! (Blog 15)

Thorpe Park! A world of wonder and fun. That’s what my 6 year old self would say. My 28 year old self, however, was thinking ‘wow, what planet was I on, when I was younger? This is nothing like how I remembered it.’ My changes in perception were in part because children have a much poorer understanding of reality, but also because for whatever reason, there are more sociopaths around, today. So the first ride me and my friend went on, was the Derren Brown ‘Ghost Train’. Apparently it was really scary. Yeah, not as scary as waiting in the line. There was no getting away from the nutters there, and to make matters worse, they didn’t seem to like being told what to do. Being given instructions is one of the main duties of someone moving along, and getting into their seats.

As time went on, my fears left me, and it was time to hear Derren’s recorded introduction to the attraction. This was as I, along with everyone else was packed, in a darkened room. He claimed a small percentage were scared of the dark, a similar amount were claustrophobic, and more worryingly, that 3% of those experiencing what was coming up, would wet themselves. This was not my idea of fun. Soldiering on, I got on some kind of train carriage, after being shouted at, by an actor working for the company. Again, this wasn’t something I would usually pay for. I, like all soon to be ‘victims’, put on my virtual reality headset, and was subject to screams, explosions and zombies crawling up to me. Was this meant to be scary, or funny? I was wary of people next to me pissing themselves laughing, but thank God, everyone was ok. On to the next ride, then!

So, the ride they call ‘Stealth’. I’d been on this one before, a few years ago, and had a great few seconds…. But when you think about it…. what’s stealthy about being blasted to 80 miles in broad daylight?… As everyone screams? Furthermore, stealth technology usually is very angular, isn’t it? There is nothing angular about people waving their arms in the air. It’s certainly not covert to advertise the hot spot and put it on a map. As another nail in the coffin, it never moves beyond a few hundred meters, so in a military attack, it is defenceless. Still, it was worth riding twice, factually accurate, or not. Luckily, the queue wasn’t long, and the crazy people had dispersed.

Other rides we later went on, included the not massively different ‘Saw’. It has lots of ups and downs, and is pretty standard, really. It also has a name that isn’t as true as it could be. More interestingly, it is apparently the world’s first horror themed ride. You want to know why that is? Because Thorpe Park is largely aimed at children, and showing an 18 rated film to such people is illegal. In other words, ‘the Saw’ is the first legally dodgy ride in the world. Doesn’t sound so good now, does it? The ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’, reproduction was definitely the biggest let down of the day, however. In the I guess ‘event’, you are given tasks, but no one there was really listening to what they had to do, myself included. All I do know, was that for some reason a load of seeds got poured onto me from above, and I had to do some crawling and laundry work. Yeah, the day was getting boring, and it was time to go home.