My Thoughts on Eurovision (Blog 19/Superblog 2)

I’m definitely looking forward to watching Eurovision, with the company of my custom made, Papa John’s pizza. It’s super hot, filled with a double dose of chilli powder and such, so for a joke, I called it ‘Mel Gibson’s Fury’. What’s great, is that the PJ website saved my creation, so it looks like a genuine product that anyone can buy. I said to my brother, ‘look at this new pizza! Hasn’t it got the craziest name?’ Even though he believed it was a real, trademarked meal that could purchased, he just went ‘oh yeah’. But then again, I can always try someone else. As you may have spotted from my other blogs, yes, I like repeating the same joke over and over, to different people. Deal with it.

So, after that brief introduction, here are my thoughts on this year’s entries. I’ve got a list of the participating countries on my computer in front of me, and I can hear their music on Youtube, before the final show itself. Let’s discuss the nations in alphabetical order, for the sake of the little sanity you will probably experience. But maybe things won’t be so bad. Maybe this year, the songs will be relatively free of the dances, costumes and indeed tunes, that only the mentally ill appreciate. So here goes!… Albania! Oh, wait… I’ve just realised I have 42 songs to critque. Because of this, I will be very brief.

Ok, Albania, then: Having watched this solo artist’s music video, I have no clue how it’s going to be presented on stage. In it, there are loads of cities, on top of huge hovering boats. Why? No idea. I wasn’t really listening to the lyrics. Yeah, this is going to be one half-arsed series of reviews. I could have a look in the comment section to give me some hints, but what’s the point? ‘Fuck you’, ‘fuck you, too’, ‘fuck you more’, etc., etc. I’m sure you understand.

Armenia: What the hell are you wearing on your head? Oh, it’s gone, now. Well done. Your hair still looks stupid, though.

Australia: Australia? Since when has Australia been in Europe? Get out.

Austria: Here is a nice, upbeat song set in the snowy, beautiful mountains. The star of it goes ‘if you let me drown, I’ll swim like a champion’, though? Don’t test me. Only joking, he looks like a cool guy. I digress. The lyrics could have been worse, at first I thought they went, ‘I’ll swim like a chariot’. Obviously that wouldn’t work, though as I said, Eurovision is crazy. On the plus side, there hasn’t been much cheese, as of yet.

Azerbaijan: I swear that keyboard part is ripped off from a Michael Jackson song. Anyway, it seems we have another case of a pre-recorded TV version that can’t be performed. Again I don’t know what this song is about. I don’t care either, to be honest.

Belarus: This act’s video is far less adventurous than the others; it features just two people bobbing around a forest. They could be on drugs, in fact. I won’t be the only one thinking this, grown adults don’t jump up and down without a very good reason, and no one likes trees that much. Please don’t vote for these guys.

Belgium: ‘Are we going to lose it all,’ you say? I hope so. I thought it was bad enough when the man was singing, the woman’s voice is far more annoying. Imagine the horror when both work together.

Bulgaria: This music’s worse than Westlife. ‘Our love is untouchable?’ No, no, no. I wasn’t expecting heavy metal in the event, but still, where are the distorted guitars, at the very least?? Alright, this isn’t that bad. I’m glad it’s not excessively happy and annoying.

Croatia: The male opera style singing in this song, is hilarious. However, I’m sure that wasn’t the intention. ’There are only two ways to live your life. One is though nothing is a miracle. The other, is as though everything is a miracle’? Are you being serious? Obviously that wouldn’t work. ‘Yes, I crashed my car!’ ‘Yes, I fell down the stairs!’ ‘Yes, I’m now paralysed!’ No one thinks like this, don’t pretend you do. And your video is cheaper than the druggy forest one!

Cyprus: ‘Let me be your gravity’? No.

Czech Republic: I think we’ve found the most ‘budget’ TV recording yet. It’s in one room, and nothing is in it. Ok, it has actors inside, but they aren’t exactly award winning, they just kind of stand around.

Denmark: Well, at least this music video will be easy to transform to stage. That’s because it’s set on stage! Cheapos!

…. So, it seems this blog is turning into a superblog. Therefore, you would probably like a break. Coincidentally, it’s the time of the day for me to have a rest, too. What am I doing at this time? I’m eating a cherry bakewell tart. Mm-hm. Delicious! However, rather alarmingly it is apparently made ‘in a factory that handles NUTS’. The capitalisation scares me. When most people would say a warning about a common allergen, they wouldn’t put stress on the word. However, they would put stress on the word ‘maniac’. Do you see what I’m getting at, here? The tart caution ‘… handles NUTS’, may be better put, ‘made in a factory that handles LUNATICS’. I wouldn’t want to eat anything made by a potential serial killer. I swear to God, if I find a finger in my bakewell, I will lose it. Do you think I’m being paranoid? Not so. There is a whole industry, where criminals make cakes for the public. I saw it on TV. Criminals to lunatics? Not such a big leap, is it? Ok, all refreshed? Back to business, then.

Estonia!: Usually I don’t like it when songs suddenly stop, for no reason. However, I didn’t mind the rushed ending so much, here.

F.Y.R. Macedonia: I think I almost like this song, in a way.

Finland: Can’t say the same for this song. In fact I hate it.

France: Here, we have a song in both English and French. So one that appeals to both countries? No, mainly just France. Think about it; few English people can speak French, but most of the French can speak English. Therefore, if Alma and their ‘Requiem’ was in just English, almost everyone would understand it, anyway. A lot of money was clearly put into the production, but not logic.

Georgia: Wow, that is some sinister harmony for a pop contest. There are also some very manly backing vocals, here. The men performing them could be in Rammstein. You’re weird, Georgia.

Germany: You’re ‘not afraid of making mistakes’. That’s lucky for you. ‘Sometimes it’s wrong before it’s right’? Couldn’t agree more. But hurry up and stop singing, anyway. And where are the Rammstein

moments? This was your time to shine!

Greece: Here’s a thought: Does Greece rhyme with grease? Or is it not a rhyme because they sound exactly the same? Hm. And no, I’m not saying Greeks are greasy. You’re way too suspicious. You’re worse than Georgia.

Hungary: I hope the singer is speaking in his native tongue. Either that he’s extremely drunk and he’s murmuring very loudly.

Iceland: Another song that just stops. It doesn’t have the worst ending in the world, though. Check out ‘Pull Me Under’, by Dream Theatre. Also, here is another film set in the country. See? You don’t have to be all futuristic and having floating cities, do you? Hire good musicians, instead and you’ll reap the benefits. Possibly.

Ireland: Here, we have a song called ‘Dying to Try’. Does that mean you’re not trying? I guess you’re right. What an annoying voice. Material set in the countryside seems to be getting more and more common.

Israel: You keep singing that ‘you’re alive’, over and over. So is everyone else! If you’re having any doubts, tell your doctor, for Christ’s sake.

Italy: This entry could be a real pop song success. Where have I heard that keyboard part from, before, though?

Break, number two! I’ve just eaten some crunchy nut cornflakes, and thank the lord, they’re not called ‘crunchy NUT cornflakes’. Because that would imply cannibalism. Ok, not necessarily; more benignly, the cereals could simply be MADE by the mentally ill. Though again, what would they do with them, in or after the production process? I’ve had schizophrenia, myself, and I know how these people think. ‘Aargh, cornflakes are the enemy, stamp on them!’ Ever wonder where all the crumbs come from in the breakfast’s packet? They come from someone’s muddy shoes, as the ex-whole flakes get furiously stomped. :S And ever see mysterious black dots on the munchables? That’s mud…. IN THEORY. Ok, I take all that back, don’t sue. I’m sure Kellogg’s products are all 100% safe and sanitary. Happy now? Phew. On with the reviews…

Latvia: I once knew someone from Latvia.

Lithuania: Another ‘official music video’ that is just a concert performance! Aye, aye, aye. 0/10 for effort. However, this year is nowhere near as lame as I had imagined it would be.

Malta: Oh, I spoke too soon. THIS is lame.

Moldova: Lol. Why were two people congratulating the singer’s ukulele performance? All he did was strum some open strings, for a bit. If that playing actually featured in the music, and not just the video, it would have been the most random, out of time and discordant experience you could imagine.

Montenegro: Oooh, lots of dislikes for this one. I don’t know why, it’s not so different from the others. Maybe the audience are put off by the lyrics such as ‘show me your super powers’. Whacko.

Norway: ‘I’m going to kill that voice in my head’? Wow, things just got a whole lot worse.

Poland: Why is it so difficult just to finish a song? All that drama, and you just stop?

Portugal: Lol, this guy looks crazy. Fair play to him. Why is he singing such a soft song, though? Has he had a mental breakdown, or something? The music’s actually pretty good.

Interval number three… Or interval of a third, if you will. But is it a major or minor third? I think the former, let’s be positive. Again, I’m chilling out, with you. I’ve got a guitar music magazine in front of me, to be specific. I might have a go at learning ‘Sultans of Swing’, by Dire Straights. However, I’ll play its solo the way nature intended - with distortion. In fact I think I’ll play the chords with fuzz on, too. Total cacophony. Uurgh, hang on, are those somebody’s bloody finger prints on the page?… Actually, I think they’re my prints. The sauce from my sandwich does have the same colour. Alright, then. On another note, am I coming across as annoying, yet? Writing long blogs is hard. I’ll be sensible, for a while to balance things out. I wonder how politics will effect the voting…

Romania: Yodelling and rapping? It’s as bad as it sounds, there is no sense of taste, here. Run. And stepping up and down doesn’t qualify as dancing. This is the worst song, so far, no question.

San Marino: FINISH THE FUCKING SONG!

Serbia: I think I have a distorted view of this country, because of ‘The Serbian Film’. I haven’t seen it, but I have heard about it. I’m relieved to say there is no graphic torture or murder in this country’s music video. What’s the tune go like? The singer says ‘in too deep’, a lot. Along with flying high, being deep is a leading theme in this contest. Why? I don’t know.

Slovenia: Don’t pretend this video is in black and white to be stylish. Almost every competitor seems to be bent on cutting the costs.

Spain: These people seemed to have saved money by writing boring music. It’s quite minimal. ‘Do it for your lover’ X 100, it goes. ‘Do what?’ you ask? Clap your hands for your lover of course.

Sweden: Here is a song called ‘I can’t go on’. If only.

Switzerland: Old people shouldn’t be allowed to dance.

The Netherlands: Yay, I heard some distorted guitar! It only lasted a few seconds, but there is some hope in the world, it seems.

Ukraine: Oh my God. Here is a song full of heavy guitars! Not just that, they are seriously down tuned. I still wouldn’t listen to this band for fun, though.

The United Kingdom: The moment I’ve been waiting for! I wonder how many dislikes it has, as well. Not too many, it seems. What’s the song like? Kind of forgettable, which is annoying. Ok, that’s all the countries! Who do I want to win? Portugal, as they have the best entry, surely? Good luck to the NUT performing it. I also want Austria to win, because Nathan Trent looks cool. If Portugal and Austria united as one super-country, I’m sure many of the world’s problems would be solved. At least for me, in a way. Time to tackle ‘Sultans of Swing’, I guess. Byeeeeee.