My Book!!! (Blog 27)

Ok, I’ve submitted The Danger of Proverbs to an online self-publishing site, and am waiting to see whether it will be accepted. In the meantime, I will write this blog. Hopefully at the end of it, I will be giving a link to buy my manuscript, but as it has a very strange screenplay-like layout, I don’t know if I will be. It could be just too out-there to be sold, so fingers crossed. What else have I been doing over the last few days? You may have noticed I have added a couple of new monologues, a short story and a sitcom referencing famous New Hampshire kook, GG Allin. Yes, the individual who liked to poo on people on stage. Considering he was a rather dark character, I think I did a good job making my humour lighthearted. It could have so easily gone the other way. On another note, I’ve also added a number of jokes. Some are better than others, but I kept the gags I didn’t like so much, as it can be tiresome if one reads a constant stream of good ones. That’s what I told myself, anyway.

On a vastly different note, I listened to Moonchild by Iron Maiden whilst eating MoonPie. That wasn’t a planned event. Alternatively, it may have came to fruition subconsciously, as I looked at my album collection, and put ‘Seventh Son of a Seventh Son’, into my CD player. If it did, it could show that even in the darkest, most distant and inaccessible parts of my brain, I am very immature and need to get a life. Arguably, my shadow self should be more preoccupied with earning money, not indulging in childish music games. Did I enjoy my MoonPie? It was alright, but I won’t be buying it any time in the near future. Americans like to pride themselves on how great their country is, but when it comes to confectionery, they are still in the dark ages. And there’s no curry available in the USA? What’s going on??? The man who takes Indian food to America will become the continent’s next billionaire, I’m sure.

Returning to the tone I perhaps should have stuck with, I also did a lot of proofreading of TDoP. That was not only exceptionally boring, it was a frustrating experience, as well. ‘Did I read that page clearly enough? I’m not sure, now I’ll have to read through it all again,’ I often thought to myself. To make matters worse, the program I use to write sometimes screws up the layout if you merely add a sentence to your work. It’s entirely possible to miss those errors and therefore it’s possible for me to produce phrases such as ‘KENNo!DOCTOR JONES’, instead of, ‘KEN: No! DOCTOR JONES:…’ etc. (Yes, that nonsense did happen). Anyone reading the former would perceive my writing as a huge turnoff, and question my writing abilities, for sure. There are countless five year olds who would never come up with such gibberish.

You know what? I’m tired of being sensible, so let’s go back to frivolousness. I’m off to get my weekly milkshake. When I’m back, I’m going to drink it whilst listening to ‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’. (Just to expand on the Moonchild/MoonPie idea). Bye!… Ok, mission accomplished, I’m home, again. Despite my distaste for chart music, I’ll remain true to my word, and listen to the song whilst slurping… Actually, now that I’m playing it, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m screwing up my day. I’ve been looking forward to my mini takeaway, so I’ll finish it off whilst watching a Bill Bailey video on Youtube, instead. I’m sorry if this has disappointed you, but there is suffering for your art, and there is insanity. Ah, dinner’s ready, cooked by the currently home-dwelling chef I call ‘dad’. I’m having sausages. Is there a song about sausages I can listen to, whilst munching? Time to use Google… There is ’Ten Fat Sausages Sizzling in a Pan’, so I’ll put that on, then. Ok… That song is truly awful, I’m not listening to that.

*A few minutes pass*… Time for desert: Chocolate! So… I think ‘Sweet Like Chocolate’ is an appropriate song to put on, right? I certainly liked it a lot more when I first heard it but I still think it’s a fairly decent number. It has much better words than ‘I know you want it, the thing that makes me. What the guys go crazy for. The way I wind, I think it’s time. La la la la la, warm it up. La la la la la’… What are you on about, Kelis? Being a metalhead, I would like to say my preferred genre is superior to corny, meaningless pop, but sadly there is the occasional lyrical fuck-up to be heard, every now and then. For example, take this Megadeth lyric: ‘Feeding the needing for bleeding’. Wow. That is some cheese, right there. In my defence, though, that is the worst lyric I’ve ever heard in thrash metal and indeed all rock sub-genres. Ah, my book still hasn’t been approved. That’s annoying. I think I’ll go to the gym now, then. Listening to more food based music and its associated activities and such will only make me obese in the end.

I’m back, and…. Success! My book has been accepted and I’ve ordered a copy of it, so I can do one final proof read, in my very own hands. It will be coming on Wednesday, meaning it should be able to bought by you, soon after! Pretty sweet. Until then, I will be sorting out my tax information with the site I use, etc. I doubt it will take days to do so, but I guess I have the time to do a thorough job. It’s not really the kind of thing you want to screw up, is it? I also have to remove countless unnecessary commas from ‘One Screwy Week’. However, I have no idea when my editor will be finished with its spelling and gramma issues, so I can’t say when that will be available. And on that slightly unexpected note (for example an Eb on the top of a C major chord) I will leave things, here. Can’t believe I’ll have my own book. :O