Kindle Delay (Blog 31)

Okey-dokey, I’ve submitted ‘TDoP’ to be published on Kindle through Createspace and hopefully I’ll be giving you a link to buy it, at the end of this blog. However, I’m probably going to have more problems publishing an e-book than a physical book, as the electronic ‘sheets of paper’ can handle much less writing. Therefore, I’m concerned I’ll have pages looking like this…

(Page 1)

SIR GEORGE

(going mental)

(Page 2)

Bleblebleblebleb….

Ideally, I would like what a character says and its parenthetical to be on the same page, not spread over two without any kind of style. Luckily, I have the option to get help if everything does end up being very messy.

So, as I wait for news about my non-tangible, space age book, I thought I’d write about what I’ve done since my last blog. However, I haven’t really done much at all, so I’m a little stuck. I read the terms and conditions for the Kindle website (#brainache), which didn’t take too long but what did, was actually understanding them. I also made some half-bummed attempts at editing my manuscript so that it would look better, digitally, but I didn’t get anywhere. On the plus side, I did learn what not to do but that’s not really worth bragging about. (Unless you’re at a particularly low point in your life).

Such non-production is upsetting for a narcissist, like me. But note my use of the word ‘narcissist’, not ‘egomaniac’. That word implies I like myself so much, I have to go around around killing people. Not true. There is a better word than the classic one, based on the Greek myth, however: ‘Boaster’. Mmmm. Chocolate biscuits. I have no problem with being associated with chocolate, the nicest of all foods. They may cause diabetes, but no one is perfect.

I also went to the London Comedy Writers meeting… Again. As usual, I heard a sitcom and a few sketches being read out. The train journeys to and from the event were a little stranger, however. I was expecting delays, due to the maintenance work being carried out at Waterloo, but the trains I were on seemed to go backwards and forwards. I think. Maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention to the station names being announced, but odd things did seem to be happen. These gave me an idea for a sketch or a segment of a new book that hopefully one day, I will have a good financial reason to write. (Fingers super-crossed).

So, the idea is about a group of train drivers/signal controllers who have no idea what they are doing. Thus, they keep sending their passengers all over England and coming up with made up excuses, such as ‘the signals are faulty’, or ‘we’re very busy, at the moment’. I thought that could be a funny thing to write about. I also have a more developed idea for a sequel to ‘One Screwy Week’. It’s main theme could be about a town that passes just one law only. However, the law is that if you go through a red light, you get the death penalty. The book could be about trying desperately hard to scrap the crazy rule.

A day after the meeting and now a few seconds ago, I ate half a Peperami. I think that’s a bit of a strange product. Sometimes I like them, sometimes I don’t, isn’t that weird? I can’t work out what’s going on. You may have noticed I’ve just written about a far from exciting topic. This is far from intentional. That doesn’t matter, as in a few minutes I will go shopping. I will make it my duty to do something blog-worthy, as I pack my metal basket full of lighter fluid and barely legal drinks, made of 95% alcohol.

I’m back. Ok, ok, ok, I lied. I didn’t get the items I said I would. In my defence, though, it’s quite difficult finding drinks so strong. If the local supermarket did make them available, tramps would swarm to the area so much, it could be compared to a nightmarish invasion. Mere minutes later, poor members of the public would encounter nonsensical and angry spirit fuelled abuse. No one wants that and deep down, neither do the homeless. Well, maybe they do. Now that I think about it, I’m sure they care about very little. But that doesn’t matter, the war will never happen.

Oh, I know what else, I have a bunch of cherries in front of me that are a few days old. Out of curiosity, I’ve been performing ‘surgery’ on them by stabbing the with pens. Some of the fruits seem to have pulled through, though the more unfortunate have started to rot. Counterintuitively, the latter smell quite nice. I would like to know what they taste like but eating similarly attacked grapes, once made me slightly ill. Alright, I’m going to the gym, now and then I’m going for a bike ride… In the rain! Hopefully when I come back, I’ll have some more information from Kindle, for you.

I’m back, and no. Still, it feels good to be in my nice and snug, warm clothes. It feels so good in fact, that I’m going to do a bit of chilling (that’s a contradiction, I know) whilst watching Youtube. Alright, back to blog work: Some of my cherries are in a real bad way, now. Most have gone soft and some have turned an orangey-brown colour. However, I think it would be pretentious to suggest I’ve made some kind of great discovery. But I can dream. ‘Simon Wiedemann, the greatest cherry scientist of 2017’. Yeah. Or perhaps ‘Simon Wiedemann, the biggest perfume innovator of the decade’. That could be appropriate, too. There’s a certain, rich sweetness to decaying cherries that fresh ones simply don’t have. Ok, I’ll think I’ll stop, here and continue this, tomorrow. I should have an e-book update, by then. In the meantime how about a joke? So, what do you call someone who harasses vegetables? A bean stalk.

A night has passed, so here’s the e-book update: I have a fair bit of work to do and I'm too frustrated to elaborate on that. Euurgh. That’s annoying. Also, my cherries have grown white hairs. Time to get busy, I guess… Byeeee. e.