Not Much Has Happened (Blog 35)

I now have 16 followers of The Unsubscribe Tribe! I won’t lie, I got a lot of the latest 11 by annoying people. I know, because I got told that. However, I also got followers through the more dignified method of reading people’s scripts. Some were pretty whacky. I read a feature length work about a group of friends, making a zombie movie for a competition. However, their project had a twist. The best way of killing the monsters, was for women to show them their boobs. The acts proved so successful, they made the undead's heads explode. However, exposing upper bodies didn’t work on the female zombies. For them, a man had to show them… Actually never mind. Anyway, the script was actually pretty good. The author said that it had attracted some interest from professionals, and that didn’t surprise me, as it was pretty funny. So, look out for the film ‘Cleavage’, in the future!

I’ve also added a monologue to my site, which deals with subject matter that some may find disturbing - that of tramps ripping off their nails, so they can get high off the glue that fastens them to their fingers. I know that sounds bad, but I tried to make it lighthearted and I think I pulled it off. However, someone explaining the plot of my mini story to someone else, may not have the tact that I have. Thus, when he tells his friends about what I wrote, I could consequently sound MENTAL. But that’s just a risk I have to take. I’ve also added some jokes, and thank God, they can’t be misinterpreted. In fact, some are pretty harmless. For example, ‘what are the world’s biggest ships called? Space ships.’ Cheesy maybe, but yeah, harmless. But actually... now that I think of it... I have written some filth. (‘It’s a thin line between a public and a pubic house’). In my defence… Actually, no. I can’t possibly justify myself for that. I do apologise. It is true, though. The letter ‘l’ is a thin line. Pubic houses don’t exist, but my intention was to go for a surreal vibe.

I don’t want to sound boring, but that’s pretty much it. EXCEPT… Chocolate! Have I eaten a wide range of chocolate, or what? Let’s do some reviewing… Coming in last place is the Yorkie Protein Bar. I wouldn’t bother with that, it tastes like chocolatey cardboard. For cardboard, it’s very nice, but only animals that like biting bits of wood or plastic will really enjoy it. I’m talking about dogs, here. Except don’t feed it to dogs, or it will kill them. No one wins with this product, as far as I’m concerned. I’ve also consumed classic Yorkies (much better); Cadbury’s magic Willy Wonka bars that crackle and pop in your mouth, the way Roald Dahl would have wanted; and also chocolate raisins. All those products fall under the category of ‘perfectly reasonable’, but you don’t want to hear about them right? You want to hear about the extremes! Who won the competition?

So, Thorntons Fabulous Fudge Milk Bar or Hotel Chocolat’s Kirsch Cherries? Taste wise, probably the latter wins, but when it comes to value for money, I think Thorntons take the gold. TFFMB costs £1.59 for 100 grams, and HCKC costs £8.50 for 150 grams. You do the maths. (Please). Whatever the calculations are, we both know intuitively which product has the most stuff. And not only that, Tuffumba (as I like to call it) is fun to say! Try saying ‘Kirsch’ without sounding like you have a chronic lung disease. You know that footballing job you’ve always wanted? It’s already gone. Lastly, even though Hershey’s Cookies & Creme Bar isn’t technically chocolate, it does get an honourable mention, as it’s pretty good and saves their company. It’s like chocolate, right? Just don’t buy their actual chocolate. That’s it, other than a haiku I wrote: Pete sits on a bin. Pete now smells of the damn bin. Oh, for fucking sake. Byeeeeeeeee.