Blog L! (Blog 50, Superblog 3)

My 50th entry! Let’s do something special, as it’s been a while since I did my last super blog. I’ll be rating 20 guitarists that I know quite well (to limit tiresome research and because it’s a nice number), and to keep things interesting, I will be doing some mini journals after every 4 musicians. To start things off, here are a couple of funny stories:

As my dad was at home during the holidays and not at work, I didn’t have to go out and get myself some dinner, as it was made for me. (Well, warmed up for me). Consequently, I stopped visiting the local baguette joint (I don’t know what else to call it), that I like to order from, once a week. Once I travelled there when everyone went back to their jobs… it had closed down! That’s quite possibly the reason the owner was so friendly to me; his financial security was effectively in my hands. :S Also, you know my mini drone I was talking about? Well, my control of it has never improved. I flew it into my dog’s face a few times, apologised to it in dog language and thought no more of it. However, a few days later, the animal chewed it up and acted like it was an accident. Deep down, I know it was some kind of targeted attack, but that doesn’t matter as it has now been fixed. Apparently it flies up to 30 meters high, so I have to try that out. But for now, let’s do some rating!

Coming in 20th place, is Joe Stump. As you can see, he’s pretty fast, but being an Yngwie Malmsteen clone, he has next to no originality. The creativity he puts into his guitar solos is almost as non-existent as the legend, although to be fair, he does have quite a tasty vibrato. That he stole from him. Well not really, but he did a little bit.

Speed: 7

Creativity: 2

Originality: 1

Taste: 3

Skill: 5.5

Overall: 3.7

19th

Jimi Hendrix

This may come as a surprise to you, but this guy wasn’t that good. Ok, he was original in that he was wilder than everyone else at the time, fair enough. (That is even though he got a 2 for speed - what a boring era). He also interestingly liked to play guitar behind his head (not that hard to do) and to set fire to his instruments, but when it comes to music, he was pretty damn scrappy. Compared to the shred guitarists of the mid 80s, this chap sucked. ‘He only got 3 for creativity??’ I know that does sound harsh, but his playing was highly pentatonic and blues based.

Speed: 2

Creativity: 3

Originality: 7

Taste: 5

Skill: 2

Overall: 3.8

18th

Jimmy Page

Another man who sucked just a little bit. In songs such as ‘Achilles Last Stand’ for example, he played some very obvious mistakes, and didn’t seem to care. (Pause at around 4:27: Couldn’t give a fuck, right?) Of course this man improvised with taste, but Jesus Christ, why didn’t you just rerecord your instrumental part?

Speed: 3

Creativity: 3

Originality: 5

Taste: 6

Skill: 3

Overall: 4

17th

Richie Blackmore

Ok, we’re moving into non-scrappy territory, here. This dude is just that tiny little bit better than Jimmy and is more adventurous, in that his playing is sometimes more classical based. He’s also written one of the most famous riffs in rock history; that of ‘Smoke on the Water’. Except he didn’t, as he ripped it off an old jazz song by Astrud Gilberto. In fact, it’s actually in the same key as his. I don’t really care too much though; the riff gets a lot of hype, but is it the greatest riff of all time? Surely not.

Speed: 3

Creativity: 3

Originality: 6.5

Taste: 5

Skill: 3

Overall: 4.1

Back to me! Just yesterday, I’ve been given more albums to review from theindependentvoice.org. As much as I like doing the work, it is taking up a lot of my time. I used to review two or three albums a month, but this month I have six to do. ‘Ok, that’s very interesting, Simon, but it’s not very funny…’ I know! I’m being so overworked, I have been drained of all my creativity! (You don’t know this, but I’m really taking my time on this superblog). How about I just tell you what I’ve eaten over the past week, because that’s all I can think of to talk about, right now: A bit of stir fried rice, some chicken, a meat pie, some cornflakes… No actually some crunchy nut cornflakes. Have you ever compared the two? Crunchy nuts are far superior to the plain breakfast, I have to say. That’ll do, lets continue…

16th

Brian May

Now here is a guy who has great tone! Furthermore, he’s written some very cool breaks, which quite frankly, taste delicious. He may be able to build guitars (for example his special red special), but he can’t shred though, so he comes in 16th. :( But that tone!

Speed: 3

Creativity: 5

Originality: 5

Taste: 7

Skill: 3.5

Overall: 4.7

15th

Yngwie Malmsteen

This man has a lot to answer for. Quite literally millions of fanboys have copied his ridiculously tasteless playing style. If it wasn’t for him, I guarantee you the rock and heavy metal of today would be much more carefully thought out. Instead, it’s often just pure scale abuse. Even so, he has surprisingly lots in common with his position brother, Brian May, in that his tone is also great. Well it is on the whole, his later albums have way too much bass, not enough treble and sound a little weird. And don’t even think about getting his very latest LP, as it’s a load of shite.

Speed: 7

Creativity: 2.5

Originality: 10

Taste: 2

Skill: 6.5

Overall: 5.6

14th

Tom Morello

Definitely the weirdest person on the list. His technique isn’t too bad but he really likes to just make noises instead of melodies, in his special times to shine. ‘And he makes it up as high as 14th??’ Yeah, those noises are pretty damn awesome. To be fair though, everything doesn’t have to be about wigouts, right? This man is also responsible for some really cool riffs with actual notes in them, and a funny guitar with the slogan ‘arm the homeless’ on it. I think that’s a GREAT idea.

Speed: 2.5

Creativity: 8

Originality: 10

Taste: 6

Skill: 2

Overall: 5.7

13th

Zakk Wylde

The man with the angriest vibrato in all of music. His style is also super distinctive and grungy/bluesy. Furthermore, anyone who plays with Ozzy Osbourne without getting completely freaked out, also needs some recognition.

Speed: 6.5

Creativity: 5

Originality: 7

Taste: 5

Skill: 6

Overall: 5.9

Entry No. 3. This is an outrage! The carpark near GBK has been closed, so I can’t get my weekly milkshake! I can’t get any food from there either. I can’t even get anything from the baguette place, as they apparently needed that apparently all important £10 or so from me, over the Christmas period. >:( I got myself a samosa and a Peperami, instead, but where’s my liquidy sugar rush?! Do I really have to settle for a current bun? What’s the world coming to?

12th

Della Vega

This guy is clearly a freak. He can play ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’ at 750BPM and at four notes a beat? That sounds impressive, but if you read his comments section on Youtube, many people there simply just ask ‘….Why?’ Even so, I bought one of Mr. Vega’s albums which wasn’t bad. A little strangely, it didn’t really have much ultra-super-mega-fast playing in it, which was the main reason I bought it. :( (It just had mega fast shredding in it).

Speed: 10

Creativity: 6

Originality: 2

Taste: 4.5

Skill: 8

Overall: 6.1

11th

Kirk Hammet

The man who is responsible for some of the finest heavy metal freak-outs of all time. You must check out the playing in ‘Enter Sandman’ and ‘Wherever I May Roam’, if you haven’t already.

Speed: 6

Creativity: 5.5

Originality: 6.5

Taste: 7

Skill: 6

Overall: 6.2

Halfway break surprise! A poem about my week so far!

There’s no milkshake from Gourmet Burger Kitchen

Now I can’t think straight and I can’t stop twitching

Got to get me something else bitchin’ from my own kitchen

But nothing’s much is there apart from mangy sausage and a sink to be sick in

And I just don’t like wheatgrass smoothie, served in glass

To me it tastes like… To me it tastes… Argh. Oh shit, no. Sorry. My train of thought got the best of me. We both know what was coming.

No hang on, I have another poem.

Where’s my milkshake, GBK

You do know you’ve messed up my whole day

Next time I see you, what will you say?

‘Hooray it’s Simon, hooray, hooray’?

Well that’s not good enough, where’s my bouquet?

I just need one as there’s nothing even close to a buffet

…. Hey! >:(

Alright, I never said I wanted to be a poet. I know I’m no Shakespeare or whatever, just move on.

10th

Randy Rhoads

This legend gets a well earned 10 out of 10 for taste. He only released two albums with Ozzy, and yet he has written tons of classic solos for the lunatic. Some of the best ones of all time, in fact. There is even some debate as to who invented tapping. Was it him or EVH??

Speed: 3.5

Creativity: 6

Originality: 8

Taste: 10

Skill: 4.5

Overall: 6.4

(Surprise joke No.1! - What do you call a mobster who is good at throwing things? A lobster).

10th

Paul Gilbert

If robots ever get good enough to play axes, this is what they would sound like. Every note seems to be played perfectly with this weapon wielder. He also invented super fast string skipping. The novelty may sound cool to speedmetal heads, but show the method to a jazz guitarist preoccupied with sounding soulful, and he’ll stab you.

Speed: 7

Creativity: 6.5

Originality: 6.5

Taste: 5

Skill: 7

Overall: 6.4

(Surprise joke No.2! - Why are ants that come from abroad so valued? Because they're import ants).

Ok, I’ve finally recovered from the no milkshake shock just about, and the hope that the car park has now reopened is keeping me going. Perhaps because of my previous lack of function, when I tried to put on my ear defenders at the gym not long ago, I accidentally flicked them onto my forehead, later causing a small, painful bump. Before Christmas I got knocked off my bike by a car going 40 miles an hour. I then landed on my head without a helmet and without getting even the smallest injury, but I’ve been injured by my ear headphones?? How weird is that?

Anyway, as planned and after my workout, me and my dad took my drone to a nearby park, to see what it could do. But here’s the kicker: We took our dog with us. I may have been imagining it, but I think I saw a look of rage and vengeance in its eyes. Therefore, my dad had to keep him on a leash, in case the gadget’s destruction could be completed once and for all. Amazingly, I didn’t actually get any problems from him or even see any attempts to break free from my dad’s grasp. However, whether or not he was trying to trick him and catch him off guard, I still don’t know. Anyway, that drone flew pretty damn high, it was really impressive. I’m not even sure if I pushed it to its limits. I will have to go for the height record sometime soon, but hopefully I won’t crash the thing into someone’s garden or whatever. That would cause quite the surprise, I’m sure. Still, something to blog about. >:)

8th

Vinnie Moore

Another cyborg with ultra crisp technique. But here’s something I’ve always wondered: Who’s best? Vinnie Moore or Tony Macalpine?

Speed: 7

Creativity: 7

Originality: 6

Taste: 6

Skill: 7

Overall: 6.6

(Surprise joke No.3! - What’s the leading cause of cancer? Terrorist cells).

8th

Tony Macalpine

Oh, they’re both equal! Tony is more jazz fusiony than Vinnie, though. It’s not easy comparing their styles as they are so different. Well different in the world of shred, anyway, most people would say the two sound basically the same. But they’re not.

Speed: 7

Creativity: 7.5

Originality: 6

Taste: 5.5

Skill: 7

Overall: 6.6

(Surprise joke No.4! - What do you call a crazy, incompetent cleaner? Insanitary).

Mmmm… That was some good chocolate. Good enough to write about, so I will. I’ve just eaten a new bar on the scene, it seems. Ever heard of Milka? It’s a Swiss treat, and like all European chocolate, it’s better quality than England’s stuff. I hate it when foreigners come up to me and mock the snacks I often eat, such as Kitkat’s. ‘You’re chocolate is dumb, hahahaha!’ You name it, I’ve heard it. Sort yourself out, England, I have no witty comebacks right now, and I feel really small and quite frankly, angry. ‘Yeah, well when was the last time you ate fish and chips, huh??’ That’s all I have to fall back on. -_-

6th

Eddie Van Halen

The man who most people think inventing tapping. But actually, it wasn’t him. So it was Randy Rhaods? Nope, the pioneer was a jazz guitarist called Vittorio Camardese; watch him shred on Youtube. Anyway, about EVH… He’s someone who has only written mega solos such as the one in Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It’, so draw your own conclusions about how talented he is. (Still need help? Ok, EVH is a legend).

Speed: 5

Creativity: 6.5

Originality: 10

Taste: 7

Skill: 5

Overall: 6.7

(Surprise joke No.5! - What's the only country in the world, who's name describes it's main trade? Jam Maker).

5th

Marty Friedman

Things are going all Japanesey now. Does this man like some weird scales, or what? Even weirder is the way he mixes strange stuff with more typical blues and pentatonic ideas. Oddball. He’s very good though, and surely Megadeth’s best six-stringer.

Speed: 7

Creativity: 8

Originality: 7.5

Taste: 7

Skill: 7

Overall: 7.3

(Surprise joke No.6! - Why are flat batteries so charming? Because they're flatteries).

Mini blog once more: How can I put this without sounding annoying and boastful. I won’t go on any more about it, other than I’ve done the all green traffic light thing on my bike again. Ok, what else? To be honest, that’s kind of my life at the moment. Music reviewing, a few various related tasks, blogging, not even milkshakes, and of course the route to the gym and such with no stop signs. I’m crying inside. Other than that… nothing else to say, soooo….. next guitarist, and his special haiku…

4th

Jason Becker

Marty Friedman’s old band mate from the Cacophony days, and another fan of some rather different note choices. But Jason was just that little bit better.

Don’t be so modest

Your stuff’s not a cacophony

It is highly skilled

Speed: 7.75

Creativity: 7

Originality: 7.5

Taste: 5

Skill: 9.5

Overall: 7.35

3rd

Joe Satriani

I never knew I liked this master so much until after I made this countdown. Sure, ‘Surfing With the Alien’ is easily one of the greatest instrumental rock albums of all time, but when it comes down to technical ability, Satch is far from as accomplished as some of the people he is beating, overall; especially when it comes to picking technique. He is very tasteful, though. (Interesting fact: That sentence was the longest in this blog, with an amazing 46 words!)

Your legato’s good

But your speed picking is not

Nobody’s perfect

Speed: 7

Creativity: 8

Originality: 8

Taste: 8

Skill: 6.5

Overall: 7.5

2nd

Guthrie Govan

I previously wrote that I don’t like this virtuoso very much, but I’ve changed my mind. He is good. He’s actually 2nd best in the world, ever. His album ‘Erotic Cakes’ is definitely worth buying for its classics ‘Waves’, ‘Erotic Cakes’ and the masterpiece interestingly and cryptically titled ’Ner Ner’. And others.

Other than that freak

You are the fastest guy here

You solo better

Speed: 8

Creativity: 9

Originality: 7

Taste: 6.5

Skill: 10

Overall: 8.1

1st

Steve Vai

Steve Vai pisses on Guthrie Govan quite frankly. He is a guitarist superman, and pretty much infallible. Sure he can’t play so fast that everything becomes one random sounding blur, but at least he has his priorities right - soloing with style and skill, and with amazing scale knowledge. This is what Della Vega could have sounded like, if he didn’t put so much effort into playing Flight of the Bumblebee.

The great all-rounder

Mmm your solos are so good

They’re ridiculous

Speed: 7

Creativity: 10

Originality: 9

Taste: 9.5

Skill: 9

Overall: 8.9

So, we’ve reached the end! Didn’t see your favourite guitarist in the list? Not to worry, here are some honourable mentions: Eric ‘Slow Hands’ Clapton - Apparently he got his nickname from the amount of time it took him to tune up his guitar, not from his boring solos. However, by today’s standards, he is actually pretty slow, so his alias kind of has two meanings, none of them good. Only joking, he is a pretty good player. Of course he is. Next up is Slayer’s Kerry King - Here is his main philosophy when it comes to lead parts: ‘Have no idea what to play? Play whatever comes to mind ridiculously fast, and maybe it will sound cool’. Still he has more taste than Joe Stump. Joking again, he has no taste. Last person to get unfairly treated is Michael Angelo Batio - This is the guy who can play two guitars at the same time, by using the hammering on and pulling off technique. He is also stupidly fast. But who’s more over the top? Him or the singer from his old band, Nitro? Here’s what I do know, no one listens to them out of fun, just morbid curiosity. And for the 50th time…. Byeeeeee!