Fizzy Drinks and More Football (Blog 76)

Another football match with England in it is coming, later tonight. (Ok, it was on yesterday. I said ’tonight’ because I started writing the blog on the 28th - Ah sweet logic). And like in the last blog, I have some time to kill before hand. (Or I had time to kill, etc.) To be an effective and interesting ‘chrono-assassin’ and to provide an introduction that is classically beside the point, I think it’s best to talk about something strange, maybe even disturbing. If you’ve read the news, you may know that CO2 levels are running low, meaning that fizzy drinks have been rationed. (CO2 makes the drinks sparkle apparently, but the flatness isn’t the disturbing part, it’s just annoying).

You will probably also know that a huge fire has broken out in Manchester. Am I supposed to think the two stories are unrelated?? We both know that the army and fire brigade have been harvesting the smoke (possibly through huge, secret hoovers) to use in well known brands that I probably shouldn’t mention for legal reasons. Sounds harmless, when considering no one lives in forest areas, right? (Apart from maybe hardcore black metal musicians looking for inspiration). No, it’s not! Countless squirrels and bunny rabbits have been murdered, just so drinks can remain interesting. Makes me sick. ‘But Simon, the fire has been caused by the hot weather!’ Bullshit. I’ve been in much hotter climates, and I never caught fire. Not even close, I never even started smoking.

Now I’ll move onto something a little more topical. Football! Have you ever watched a match and imagined that the people trying to score the goals are rogue footballers? Men who have gone crazy and have started working for the other team by scoring in their own net? At the same time you can imagine the other side are angry with them because they aren’t taking the game seriously and therefore try to stop them scoring. If not, I recommend you do so at least once. It’s very funny. I however, will most likely be sensible in my upcoming blog writing, so I will report the event as it actually happens. That’s because that’s what you expect from me, and I should really be fulfilling my obligations. I want to maintain my reputation as ‘Sensible Simon’.

Lol, the pre-match commentary has basically said the upcoming spectacle doesn’t really matter. (As England are through to the next rounds, anyway). That’s different; how about causing some hype? In a way I hope Belgium don’t get completely thrashed like Panama did. It was a bit a of a boring thing to watch, really. But now the game has begun, let’s get busy! Goooo! Yes, England have started off with the ball and have had it for over 20 seconds! (A long time in such high pressure scenarios). A weak attempt at an own goal was apparently made, but I’m sure England know what they are doing and aren’t mentally sick. I believe it was called a ‘pass’. Not long passes, before my following abuse… Stop kicking towards your own goal, you’ve done it again! What are you, schizo? Attack BELGIUM. >:(

Oh, now look what you’ve done! The opposing team have started copying you and nearly scored where you were foolishly aiming at. Stop setting a bad example. Am I suggesting that if England attack the other side’s goal Belgium would score own goals? Yes, it’s called subconscious influencing, you wait and see!… Another near miss (or more accurately ‘near hit’, as George Carlin wisely pointed out) in-between the England posts. Eek, you’re scaring me, Bels. The allied team just fucking passed to their enemy! What are you doing?? (Many better planned kicks are completed before the following, less angry sentences. Dozens, in fact… Here goes)… I just saw England 3, Belgium 1 in the bottom corner of the screen, but I later realised that was just showing how many corners there have been; NOT points. Ah. Well, at least I don’t have severe amnesia. You’d think I’d remember at least one minor victory, right? Phew! Anyway, the first half is over and the commentator has said ‘both sides have shown an intent to win the game’. What a weird, yet obvious thing to say. Maybe this will be another crazy blog…

Second half! Oh. Belgium scored when I was out of the room. (We all have to eat). Despite the previous, apparently brainless narration, it’s hypothesised the Flemish don’t actually want to win because if they do, they will later have to face harder opponents. That’s depressing if they’re not even trying. But again, that’s just a theory. I guess at the end of the day, no one REALLY knows what the hell is going on in terms of strategy. But what kind of professional host would admit that? I would love to listen to dialogue from people who would. For example, ‘what was that about?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘I want to go home, this is extremely uncomfortable for me’. ’Yeah. This is death’. They can’t even pronounce the player’s names consistently. Is it ‘Hazard’ or ‘Azard’? Just be honest. Am I imagining it, or are the English fans singing ‘God Save Our Queen’ in a sarcastic way? Are they implying they don’t want England to win, either? Hmm… Ooh, an English attempt at scoring nearly succeeded. That was something to be hopeful about, as they also don’t want to win. I don't know what their problem is, they'll have to face tougher teams, in the end.

Ok, that’s another blog over. Was it a crazy blog? Hmmm… I guess it was crazy-ish in that the tactics of both sides were somewhat mysterious, but I don’t want to overuse the word. Maybe I could call my entry a ‘puzzling blog’. Na. I’ll just stick with the good old fashion ‘blog’. Simple, but to the point. Great stuff. Ok, bye No. 76, then! Oh, where are my manners? Here’s a closing joke that is kind of relevant, in that the country that is mentioned in it, is still in the world cup: ‘Why do people from Japan think they are parts of bigger humans? Because they keep saying they are Japan knees’. Byeeeeeee.