Food Insights and Innovations (Blog 87, Superblog 5)

I’ve got a lot of time on my hands, so I will be doing a super blog over a few days. It has nothing to do with the number 87, if you’re confused. As far as I’m concerned that’s just an everyday word, nothing like the classic 50 or 100. Luckily though, this blog isn’t my 88th one. (Or the LXXXVIIIth, as the Romans would say). If I did do a big blog on that palindromic number, people may quite wrongly assume I’m celebrating nazis. I’m not. However, having looked at the Wikipedia article dedicated to the fascinating 87, I can see that Australian cricketers associate those same digits with the devil. Still though, not nazis. Let’s cut to the chase; the following three paragraphs will be about my day on Thursday. I hope you get something from them, because if you have a bit of a sweet tooth, you might!

Here goes…

As we all know, it’s good to try different things out and take leaps of faith. You may for example, order something weird on a Chinese menu such as chicken and pineapple, knowing full well that you love good old chicken skewers. What if you find you don’t like the pineapple dishes? You remember that fact and move on. Maybe you’ll order chicken and lemon next time, and find you’re onto a winner. I however, seem to keep making mistakes with no real rewards. I just can’t figure out how to drink Starbucks hot chocolate in the right way. As I previously explained, if you drink it too quickly and casually, you will never manage to properly touch the amazing cream on top. However, I recently found if you mix the cream in with a spoon, its flavour will be completely lost, so that obviously won’t work. There has to be a better way than drinking like a huge whale, with your mouth open as wide as the cup itself, as you attempt to gulp everything down. Well to find out, I took another of the products home with me so I could do some in depth experimenting in peace. But guess what? By the time I got there, the cream had completely merged with the drink. God. Dammit.

Ok, I give up. It’s time to research how to drink hot chocolate with cream on the internet. That actually seems like a more common question than I was anticipating. I typed the start of it into Google, and predictive searching did the rest. Excellent. Nope, sorry, spoke too soon. Sure the phrase comes up, but the articles that are shown in response to the query simply show how to make the product. That’s bad. Or is it? Well, as the question seems common enough, maybe if I were to work out for myself how to efficiently drink the beverage, I could end up becoming an urban legend. Simon Wiedemann, the man who finally figured out how to REALLY enjoy hot drinks. No, wait. I’ve got it! What you do, is you start drinking the cocoa from a straw, and then you pull the device up higher and move onto the topping, resulting in the perfect mixture! It will be a challenge getting just the right combination at first, as you will have to keep looking at your cup to see how much of each two sections remain. However, as we all know, good things come to those who wait.

Now I just need to stop people stealing my idea. Frustratingly I’m sure that it’s not allowed to copyright how to guzzle something down, especially when using a well known invention such as a plastic tube. So what do I do? Well at very least I can point out that I’ve come up with my special method on this date and time, through this blog. That’s a KIND of copyright. If any coffee company is impressed with me and wants to get in touch, they know how to do so. Sadly my insights into drinking milkshakes aren’t quite as inventive. All you have to do, is drink them before they start to thin. However, when it comes to pizza, things get far more complicated. Hot pizza is nice, cold pizza stored in a fridge for the next day is perhaps even better, but two days in the cooler and things go downhill from there. Again, if anyone is stunned by those insights, give me a call. Maybe I could write slogans for various establishments, too. Papa John’s is the daddy of all pizzas, see stars at Starbucks. Simple stuff really, but the trick is not to distract attention from the food/drink. That’s a truth I realised when studying film music. In comparison, you want people focusing on the film not the background sounds, right? I’m glad I found at least something from my course that can be transferred to careers I’m better at. Though I did also learn how to write complex time signatures like a champion, which is always nice. (Just separate the bars into groups of 2s and 3s. Simple).

Alrighty, here’s what I have to say for Friday: Gourmet Burger Kitchen milkshake day! Strap in!

Hola! You know how I said it’s good to take risks? Well I’m not going to, once again. I’m refusing to get a banana or strawberry milkshake because deep down, I know the flavours will suck. I’m either going to get chocolate, Orio, salted caramel or vanilla. That’s a choice of four. Well vanilla’s a bit boring, so that’s three. Except I’m not going to get salted caramel, as I’m just not feeling it. Basically I’m going to get chocolate. ‘Simon! You said you wouldn’t write another blog about milkshake, unless you had something new to say!’ Oh God, I was looking forward to my special drink! Alright, alright, I will do something different. I’ll get the peanut butter version and write about that. Up until a few seconds ago I didn’t know GBK did those, but according to the world’s best known search engine, it is the most expensive shake on offer (along with Orio). Surely it’s one of the best you can get, then. I doubt it, but I’m desperate for material. Actually maybe I’ll chicken out and get strawberry. Peanut butter? Ok, peanut butter then. Just for you.

What should I write about in the meantime? Oh, I know; Twitter. A few weeks ago, I got a massive increase in my number of my followers, and I’m still getting new ones all the time. I don’t have the time to check out the pages of all of my subscribers, which is a problem because out of politeness I follow everyone back. I could be following anyone from terrorists to nazis, and I wouldn’t have a clue. :S Imagine if I was following Isis AND Hitler wannabes. What kind of message would that give off? Something else that’s bugging me is the fact I have a swarm of flies in my room after the remains of the Subway and fruit salad that I bought yesterday. (Ok I didn’t bother writing about buying those things earlier, but who cares really? Right…?) Stupid light obsessed, Augusty bugs. There really is nothing about Summer that I like, other than I guess warm nights which are cool. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Well whatever. Here’s a thought, it's bit random but not completely: What do you call dog meat in a Subway? A sub-woofer. Alright, let’s get this most likely mangy shake!

Ok, I’ve just slurped up you know what and guess what, I wasn’t too much of a fan of it. But at least I took a chance? Actually now that I think of it, it wasn’t really one as I knew I didn’t like the flavour too much. Rather, it was more of a stupid thing to buy the item. However, all is not lost because sometimes being stupid is fun. For example going crazy on a motorbike racetrack at 100 mph. But how can my tale of drinking a disliked desert compare with stories like that?? I guess there really were no winners with my trial and erroring. Damn. The chips I bought weren’t bad, but you can get all kinds of potato snacks anywhere. I’ll be going to the gym soon to burn all that tasty rubbish off and then maybe write about that, but I have nothing more to say, now. I guess I can write more jokes and stuff. Here’s one: What’s a hen’s biggest fan? A more hen. Or how about: Why do people massively encourage the production of bread when they give to charity? Because they make a dough nation.

I’m back! Alright, I can’t work out how to make the torture of working out and the super duper feeling of getting back all snug entertaining, so I’m just going to write more jokes. Three paragraphs a day is fine, isn’t it? See you tomorrow where I will be getting a haircut! But first… here’s a related gag. Because I’m nice: What did the hair metal bands of the 80s call their songs? Hair cuts…. …. :D

It’s now Saturday, so about my hairy head, then. Following on from the trend, obviously writing about that topic is fraught with difficulties. I can’t remember the last time getting a trim was exciting, in fact I’m certain it never was. No wait, I guess it is funny when the barber cuts the sides of my hair off first, and leaves the top. Looking like a bowl cut monk is always strange, especially if you’re into heavy metal like I am. I have seen elderly people ‘sing’ metal and even death metal but holy moshers are particularly unusual. However, in the crazy world of Youtube you can find some, though their performances aren’t as brutal as most. It makes you wonder what people like that have to be angry about. Maybe they’re angry at the devil, but again, singing about subject matter like that in the heaviest genre known to man is really quite odd. Back to me, I’m ashamed to say that yet again I didn’t take a risk in terms of my do, but would me looking like I belong in a monastery be a gamble, or would it be dumb? I think the latter, but maybe people would think I was a right character, just like those OAP nutters. Be happy I drank my peanut butter milkshake at very least. :P

Moving on to a subject that is more whacky, I accidentally threw away a couple of my brain medicine tablets (antipsychotics - so what?) in the bin. However, luckily I eventually realised that and put them back in my drawer. But what if I didn’t? Right now some flies are doing whatever they do on my med packaging, but they could have so easily been eating my prescription. If they did, they would have been the most sane, even profound flies on the planet. In theory, with their ultra clear minds they could have ended up philosophising about the meaning of life and taken science even further than Stephen Hawking. Alternatively, if they were already hearing voices or whatever, they would have been treated. How I or indeed anyone would find out what is going on in any drugged insect’s brain I don’t know, but if someone could work that out, who knows what discoveries would be made?

I should be excited about the potential of my scientific concepts, I bet you’re thinking. Maybe I am. What I’m really ecstatic about, is the Papa John’s pizza I will be getting tonight. There’s no need for taking stabs in the dark, I know exactly how to eat my delicacies. I’ll have the chicken popper and potato wedge starters, some of the main course, and as you may have guessed if your memory/reasoning is in tip top condition, the chilled rest of it the next day. Tried. Tested. Perfected. I’ll be watching a film in the special downstairs micro-theatre in lovely solitude and it will be epic. Before that and with my stomach filled with hope and cheese and tomato dreams, I will be going to the gym. If I couldn’t write about that stuff the first time, don’t think I’ll go for it on the second. Oh no, this paragraph is looking a little thin. Well, here’s another tried and tested method; the related joke!: What do you call the king of vegetable pizzas? The pea tsar. See you on Sunday! Be warned though, I may just write a few sentences about my whole eating experience and leave it at that. Reason one: It’s ‘just’ a pizza. Reason two: Some time needs to go into editing, and three, I have some music website obligations that need fulfilling. Anywhos… Bye!

Here comes the entry for the last day!

… And hello! Mmm. That takeaway was good. I feel a bit groggy after the beer I also had yesterday, so I’m not really sure what the point of drinking them is. As explained in an earlier blog, non alcoholic beers seem to have just the same calming effect as the ‘normal’ ones have, most likely because of the placebo effect. However, those healthier drinks don’t result in any kind of hangover, and probably wouldn’t even if you drank 100 of them. (Though you would die from water toxicity, having said that). And on that warning, it’s time for me to wrap things up. Basically, drink and eat things properly, or you will waste at least some of your life. Be wise when it comes to what you put into your tum tum. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. (That was a super bye). Ciao!