Comedy Contest Part 12! (Blog 94)

The first rule of humour on the whole: Don’t threaten your audience/viewers. However, did that rule get broken in the latest standup comedy contest I’ve been running or what? I counted five threats and constant hostility from the person I judged winner, Jarrod Harvey. Well to be fair, some were pre-emptive threats that were based on the fear of someone emotionally attacking him. Not attacking him in a karate way, that would be even more intense. If that came true it might be interesting to watch, but only if the fighters were well matched of course and the stage took on the role of a respectable ring. I’m not a monster, more a martial arts aficionado. (No only joking, the fight would most likely be terrible, I don’t know what came over me). Anyway, what an innovator. The only person I can think of who was similarly hostile to his source of income is GG Allin, but he was a ‘musician’. I’m sure the comedian will be delighted to be compared to the man who was named at birth as ‘Jesus Christ Allin’, as he too turned out to be a complete original. (That was me being as polite as is possible). Only joking again, no one wants to be like him. Still, if Jarrod did quote one of my lines of this blog on his site comparing him to GG, boy would he get lots of attention.

Rather worryingly, Mr. Harvey claims to be the only normal person in the world. (We already know the audience is somewhat strange for laughing at his threats, but really? The WHOLE world?) At the time of writing this (I like to get these monthly contest blogs done several days in advance) I have mostly been homeward bound, other than when I went to the gym, shops and stuff like that. I’m in for a real shock when I go for a true day out and when I can do a bit of people watching on the train. When I see that everyone is going mental at each other even more than Jarrod does, and the victims of the abuse laugh their heads off, I don’t know how I’ll react. But maybe I shouldn’t take everything he says too seriously. He states that his nose isn’t the only part of him that’s long, and then he sticks out his similarly sized tongue. But why tongue? How about his legs? They’re much longer. His lack off common sense makes me question his reasoning in general. The truth is, I do think he’s weird. He’s only normal compared to me. Anywho, here’s his video for you to watch. Do YOU think he’s the only normal person in the world?

https://www.facebook.com/schoolofhardknockknocks/videos/2189578697751360/

Okey dokey, now it’s time to beef this blog up. Two paragraphs? Get outta here, right? So here goes. As you may know, I’m a big fruit consumer so that my joints can be nice and hardy. But what is the best fruit, in my expert opinion? Check out my food pros and cons of the classics, below…

Pineapples:

Pros: Nice and juicy.

Cons: Often very acidic and cheaper varieties have somewhat crunchy textures. Urgh.

Overall: A tasty treat, but only if you’re willing to spend a fair amount on them.

Strawberries:

Pros: Have no offensive tastes/traits, whatsoever.

Cons: Often need sugar added to them, to make them truly enjoyable.

Overall: Big deal, you might want to add sugar. Not exactly hard to get right?

Grapes:

Pros: Even very hard to please Roman emperors loved them.

Cons: The skins of them sometimes feel rough and it makes you wonder why.

Overall: Just give them a wash.

Raspberries:

Pros: They taste good in pies.

Cons: They’re not so good on their own.

Overall: Get cooking!

Apples:

Pros: A handy snack to carry around in a lunchbox.

Cons: ****ing boring.

Overall: Don’t they have lots of varieties?

Bananas:

Pros: A food and practical joke all in one.

Cons: Radioactive.

Overall: Watching people slip on them may be funny, though it could be fatal.

Pears:

Pros: Has a well known funny shape.

Cons: Has a well known funny shape.

Overall: Good or bad? You decide.

Oranges:

Pros: Has a nice squidgy texture similar to that of a stress ball.

Cons: Nothing rhymes with them.

Overall: I’m sure a new word will come out one day.

Cherries:

Pros: Mmm, excellent flavour.

Cons: Stones!

Overall: …..

….

……………… That’s me done. Bye!