Predictions (Blog 102)

On Thursday, I will be going to the Canal Cafe to watch a satirical sketch show based on the news. However, as my instructions are to get a feel for the skits and then write my own ones in the hope of them being performed at the same place, I’m not sure if I’m going to blog about going to the thing. Instead, I may just immediately get busy with what I’m actually supposed to be doing. Who knows, right? There’s a first time for everything. I remember in school English classes my teacher calling me a ‘maverick’, because I basically wrote whatever I wanted ( :S ) but I’m sure she really meant ‘tosser’. But I’m digressing. If my prophecy is correct and I don’t indeed blog about the real life event, I thought MAYBE I could blog about how I think or hope the whole day will turn out, instead.

Here comes scenario 1: I go to the Cafe, I don’t pay attention to anything and I leave not really knowing what I’m supposed to be writing about. What’s worse, I don’t have the balls to admit that to my potential employer, so I end up creating surreal sketches about potentially random subjects ’to push the boundaries of satire.’ ;) Sadly, that’s not the most unlikely possibility.

Scenario 2 is even worse: As the performances start late and end even later (that’s how time works, right?) I end up missing the last train home and I get stranded in London. My only option is to live like a tramp and sleep in the cold street until the transport starts running again. When I do finally get home, I’m so distressed, I couldn’t give a toss about anything. Consequently, I don’t even bother sketch writing off topic and I just type ‘AAAARGHH!!!!’ over and over again.

Scenario 3 is the best one, but also the strangest: Everything goes well, I learn from the show and compose a funny sketch that everyone loves. Let’s move on. I feel faint.

Scenario 4 is more dramatic: Someone tries to mug me but to all the witness’s surprise, I go kung fu and perform a series of kicks and punches that even Bruce Lee would be envious of. Then purely from the fury that has built up inside of me, I complete a ‘Hadouken’. (If you’re unfamiliar with SNES Street Fighter, it’s basically a flying ball of energy that can instantly floor a man. It’s very cool).

The last scenario was thought up by me, just to end on a nice number. Number 5. It could never happen, but hey: So, aliens come down from space, enter the cafe and say that their dwarf planet Pluto has been devastated by civil war. As the gravity is weak there, all Plutonian muscles are also weak, so the aggressors should be easy to defeat by stronger humans. Especially as using weapons is illegal in Pluto. (Why? It’s an honour thing, don’t worry about it). When the visitors ask if anyone goes to the gym, I say ‘yes, almost every day’. Impressed by my Earthly muscles in particular, they then give me some body armour, and instructions on how to beat the baddies up so I can save the day. When I tell them I can do Hadoukens, they make me their king. (Yes, they’re technically not weapons, they’re moves).

Right! That’s what might happen. Is this blog as good as one based on true events? Well, I’ve written about my own reality roughly 100 times now, haven’t I? (Note I didn’t say ‘102’, as hardcore fans will remember that I have made blogs about favourite TV shows, for example). Anyway, it’s good to do something a little different, right? So, so, so, so, so… Bye!