Canal Cafe Theatre Tales (Blog 103)

Hello! In my previous blog, I said I might not write about me going to the Canal Cafe Theatre (which I did two days ago, now) as I would likely be busy writing news-based comedy sketches for the same show, coming up next Thursday. Well, I’m not going to start the skits for a few days, as when I do so, I want to be writing material based on more recent events. I have plenty of time, right now. What am I going to write about, at this moment? Rather weirdly, this is another entry where I found the train/walking journey to the diner far more easy to discuss than the event itself. But for the sake of variety, I won’t mention the en route trip at all, other than me noting the fact it went spectacularly well. What happened when I got to the place? As I arrived so early, I decided to treat myself to a burger and because I was on my own, I had the opportunity to people watch whilst munching. No, actually it was people who were watching me as I scoffed my meal down whilst ignoring my (arguably necessary) knife and fork. Yep, that was another messy burger anecdote for you. I was thinking of deleting it, but it’s only a few words long, right?

Alrighty, let’s talk about the place I travelled to: Apparently the cafe’s production called ‘NewsReview’, is the world’s longest running live comedy show of its kind! Wow, you might think. Well, not really as the place only has the capacity for around 60 people. Not particularly hard to organise, right? The only real technology and things of note in the performances were an electric keyboard for the comedy songs, some lighting, and a mysterious guy at a computer who didn’t look like he was under any real stress. It’s like me boasting about owning the world’s oldest house. All I ‘d have to do is prevent other people from destroying it. Big woop. Should I be proud, or should I simply think ‘cool fact, let’s move on’. It’s also a tiny bit like those world records you hear, about people who can stuff the most marbles under their eyelids, or whatever. Interesting, but again, dumb.

Luckily I was given a free ticket to watch the show, because I was a potential writer for it. (And therefore important :P) I was also given the number ‘4’, meaning that I had to sit at the table of the same number. (Ah, sweet logic). But where would that table be? Would it be in my favourite position, the back of the room? No way. The odds of that happening would be roughly 1 in 12. (If not exactly, according to my calculations based on the place’s detailed seating map, found online). That couldn’t happen. IT DID. Chuffed to bits, I was almost fully able to enjoy the comedy on offer. However, not completely. As was also explained in my prior blog, the show would end late and it was a risk that I would miss the last train home and get stranded in London. Not much of a risk, as my navigational skills had been strengthened it would seem, but there’s always that nagging uncertainty about getting lost whilst walking, isn’t there?

Back to the comedy plays, I actually paid attention to what I was watching. Yes, in blog 102 I suggested that wouldn’t be likely. Why the unexpected, positive mentality? I don’t know. Maybe my interest had been sparked by what the computer guy was doing and how it affected the gig. After all, he was fascinating enough to write about twice. Was he in complete control, was he winging it or was he even watching Youtube? I will most likely never know. Unless I ask him, but that would be a bit of a weird if not insulting question, right? Eventually, all the entertaining entertainment was over, 10 minutes later than was planned. Sure that wasn’t a big deal to many, but it was to me. Fearing living the life of a hobo for the night, I jogged back to the station even though I had lots of time to spare. However, I soon found my only option was to crawl under some of the doors, as my ticket stopped working in the underground station. That whole business took up at least some of the evening. When I reached Waterloo, I would apparently just make the next train home, according to the huge messaging system. I did some more jogging BUT MY TICKET STOPPED WORKING AGAIN AND THE TRAIN LEFT A FEW SECONDS EARLY. That wasn’t disastrous as there was one last train to catch, but as you can see from my use of capitals, it was f***ing annoying.

That was the day described. Let’s end things with a previous topical sketch I wrote for NewsReview, that I thought maybe could have been squeezed into the show just passed, at the last minute. That wasn’t to be, but there is a chance it could be performed later. But then again, my interpretation of the story about London trains being cancelled would be rather late. Anyway, here goes!

INT. SECRET OFFICE - DAY

The ambience of this room is kind of creepy. All that is shown by the swinging light is a table and its two chairs. In one of them is the suited RAIL BOSS, 50.

There are slightly distant wooden knocks.

RAIL BOSS

Come in...

A door is heard opening followed by sinister footsteps. The HEALTH SECRETARY is revealed by the lighting as he sits down. He is also suited and 50.

HEALTH SECRETARY

Let's skip the small talk and the 'I love how you're running the trains' business. You know I do. And you know I'm here from the NHS, so why go on about it?

RAIL BOSS

Fair point...

HEALTH SECRETARY

Right! It's widely known diabetes levels are rising fast and the health system can't afford to treat everyone.

The BOSS coughs nervously and adjusts his tie.

RAIL BOSS

So we force people to run to work, by faking railway engineering works and by cancelling trains? That's still your plan to get people to exercise?

The SECRETARY lays back and steeples his hands.

HEALTH SECRETARY

Yes, and it's a great plan. Not only that, when we tell the patients that some doctors and pharmacists may not be able to make it to their places of work, they panic about not getting their insulin. What's their only option to burn off their sugar? To run even faster or go to the gym, too.

The BOSS rubs his eyes, hard.

RAIL BOSS

You're not serious? What if the patients are depressed, which many are. Do you really think they're going to have to motivation to run countless miles and work out?

HEALTH SECRETARY

People don't feel depressed in times of panic, they feel anxiety. And what do anxious people do? They pace about the place and can't stop moving. What if they're REALLY anxious? They go for a run...

The BOSS stares at the SECRETARY in silence for a bit. The latter stares back.

RAIL BOSS

... I think you're crazy. Why not increase taxes on sugary food?

HEALTH SECRETARY

I think YOU'RE crazy. Have you been to Starbucks and tried their coffees? They're literally delicious. I could drink one 5 times a day. I want one now. It's an addiction, raising prices will do nothing.

RAIL BOSS

I'm going to have to stop you, th...

HEALTH SECRETARY

(interrupting)

Anyway, after their first run, the patients will find a new addiction: Exercise. The high people get after a good jogging session is so more-ish... Insulin injections will be a thing of the past!

RAIL BOSS

I admire your idealism, but your idea would be a huge operation…

HEALTH SECRETARY

Look, I just want to give the scheme ONE try. If it doesn't work, I'll reward you with something priceless, something NO man could buy: The fact you were right all along...

RAIL BOSS

Deal.

The RAIL BOSS and the HEALTH SECRETARY shake hands with enthusiasm.

That’s it… Byeee!