Advanced Food Theory (Blog 119)

Today I got a hot chocolate! ‘Great, you have something relatively exciting to write about, again!’ Wrong. I promised not to go on about them any more, didn’t I? A few times in fact. Too many even, but don’t lose hope; just consider these few sentences a ‘warm up’, and then I’m fully covered in terms of being original again. So what do I discuss? I’ll tell you what I could have done: I could have got another drink from Starbucks, and written about that. Yeah right. Hot chocolate is a way of life and I would never disrespect that fact by getting inferior or more dangerous products with stimulants in. So again, what do I write about? The popcorn muffin I also got at the place? It was just a muffin. How do I write about a muffin? They’re hardly milkshakes are they?

Not to worry, I soon after got a Subway. As we all know, Subways aren’t as funny as hot chocolate, but they ARE funnier than muffins. Want an in depth explanation as to why? That’s too bad, unless you want to be the next Gordon Ramsey and are willing to put the work into it. Only food geniuses like him have the key to true culinary wisdom. But that’s good. It’s nice to have mystery in one’s life, right? It’s like learning guitar. Sure it’s fun, but it does take the magic out of the music one listens to. Non-musicians when they hear even basic guitar solos think to themselves ‘wow! How does he do that??’ Musicians in contrast may think ‘God that sucks. It’s barely music’. The moral of the story is, do you REALLY want to understand food theory? Maybe not. It could be said that Gordon Ramsey is so angry because he knows too much, but that’s mere speculation.

So, my Subway: I ordered a six inch meatball marinara. Six inch meat? Well there’s no comedy there, so maybe I could write about the vegetables I also ordered? Hmm. Cucumber, jalapeños, green peppers and sweetcorn. Here’s a thought: Red is universally regarded as meaning ‘no’, and green is understood to mean ‘yes’. As is my understanding, things are spicy to stop predators eating them. But green means everything is fine. What are the peppers and ‘peños unconsciously/consciously telling animals? That they will enjoy their meal, only for their mouths to burn off? Is that some kind of practical joke? Do vegetables have a sense of humour? Don’t call me weird for saying that, that’s a very important question for vegetarians. It’s quite possible that everything is sentient. If so, a vegan’s only option is to starve to death or change his/her habits.

Alright, that’s Subways dealt with. Not in a funny way, more in an alarming one, but screw it. Maybe I could talk about what I do at the gym. Sure, I frequently mention going there, but I’ve never really elaborated on that. What DO I do at the place, then? After locking my bike away outside, I like to tug on it, to check it’s nice and secure to the post. For fun, I make it look like I’m trying to steal the thing, but unfortunately by judging people’s faces, I’m sure many take the apparent attempted robbery seriously. Well whatever. Inside the building, I like to burn 100 calories off on the hiking machine, and I do so on the hardest setting like a true badass. Then it’s time for the weight contraptions. I also like to burn 100 calories on the rowing machine, also on the highest setting. However, there seems to be no real difference between any of the modes, so I gather the toughest one is more of an image thing. I’m sure many elderly individuals take pride in the fact they’re apparently just as strong as youngsters, but deep down they know they’re frauds. Anyway after dry paddling, it’s time for the weights again.

Next and to (almost end) on a treat, I like to burn 50 calories on the steps machine. The way the stairs loop around forever as I walk on them is quite magical. Finally, it’s the moment for more weights and then to go home. However, it should be noted that the ride to my house is more dangerous than the ride to the gym. Why? Because it’s in the dark at this time of year. Pretty colours from street lamps and car lights compounded with the never ending stairs? It’s very difficult not to let your mind get carried away in the urban wonderland. Well that’s what the six year old in me thinks. The adult in me is healthily indifferent just like all other men. The OAP in me actually hates all things fun looking and even wants the lights destroyed. You can only imagine how confusing that is for me. Anywho… Bye!