Dog Scarface (Blog 133)

Which of my dogs sounds scarier: A German shepherd or a beagle? You’d think the former, right? If so, you’d be wrong. I’ll explain why. For many months now I have played with my mini dog (on and off I mean) and it seems recently he has got a bit bored with me and my games and upped his intensity a notch or two. He used to bite me playfully, but last week he dived straight into my face, causing a wound about 3 mm long. ‘Ow wow’. Yeah, but it was a good 2 mm deep, which is pretty impressive coming from what is known as a ‘toy pet’, according to google. I hoped that would be a one off, but no, a few days ago, he bit right into my arm causing a very similar wound. That wouldn’t be TOO much of a problem, but the thing chewed right through my mole. You don’t want to scar a mole. As I type this up, it’s not looking good, it’s gone black, turned into a weird shape and basically, it looks manky. Even though (I hope) it’s not cancerous, it actually appears like it is. Could I use my laceration for sympathy? Could I get a free pizza or two? Come on. I’m dying. :’( Maybe I could get people to run a marathon for me which isn’t as useful, but it would give me a power trip. :P

More strangely, it also looks like I’m going through the very, very early stages of the black death. Unfortunately I’m sure that will get me less empathy. Not only does plague look a lot worse than cancer, it’s also infectious. But once again… let’s look on the bright side: If someone ever tried to mug me, all I’d have to do is wave my apparently diseased arm in the robber’s faces and they’d run away in a second. Maybe I could chase after THEM. If I was feeling baddass, I could also do some impressive Bruce Lee style stances. Hopefully they would be caught on CCTV. If asked to explain my actions to the police at a later time, I wouldn’t mention my mole. I’d just say I was feeling swag. Despite the obvious advantages of my situation, I’m still going to make my dog tone things down in the future, though. I don’t want half of my face to be hanging off in a year’s time. Nor do I want to lose a limb.

Even more recently, I bought a used (well previously owned at least) CD from a charity shop, again. Interestingly it was an album by the band Holy F**k. Who gave such a titled album away?? Picture a sweet old lady looking for an affordable gift for her grandchild. Then she sees THAT. Imagine the look of horror on her face. Even worse, imagine if her eyesight wasn’t so good and she purchased the CD as she thought it was as good as any other. (Or maybe she thought it said ‘Holy Fun’). What happens when the birthday boy or whatever opens his gift? ‘Oh no, grandma’s had a breakdown!’ Not funny, is it? I thought is was bad enough when someone donated the scary looking ‘Reign in Blood’ release by Slayer. Anywho, that’s it from me for now, I kind of want to get on with my Eurovision superblog. I won’t give any spoilers, but my entry will also give fascinating insights into pigeon behaviour! Bye!