Eurovision Part 3! (Blog 135, Superblog 7)

My third Eurovision superblog! Will many of the acts cut costs again by making their official videos black and white? Probably, but I won’t go on about that fact too much, for the sake of variety. I kind of went mental about it last time and rightly so. I mean, does such a technique make the production look stylish? Nope, it looks very cliched and relatively boring. If it was genuinely cool looking, you’d be able to get 40 inch screen TVs without colours, wouldn’t you? Deep down, no one wants to live pre-70s. Whoops, I’ve started to go mental again. Anyway, let’s get busy. I have around 40 videos to review but don’t be disheartened, as promised in a previous blog I will occasionally analyse pigeon behaviour to hold your interest…

Albania

First up is the Alb’!… Wait… Are the performers walking on water in this video? They may be entertaining to watch, but they’re not Jesuses. This is just another example of a sick and narcissistic society, full of fantasists. First people were getting bigheaded when others liked their Facebook posts (I read that in a newspaper), now they literally think they’re Gods. Well done social media, for promoting extreme attention-seeking behaviour and such. What’s the song like? Come on. Does that matter?

Armenia

Black and white. Ok. Anyway, this video isn’t so interesting in more ways than one. It’s just a woman in room getting pushed for three minutes, along with some guy in a gimp mask popping up every now and then. Not exactly suitable for the younger audience, so I don’t know what the live, family version will be like. I have to be honest, I’m intrigued about that at least.

Australia

It seems the now European Australia have no official video, other than a live performance from a singer in a 30 ft high, bright blue wedding dress and wearing a hat made of many longs strips of plastic/cardboard. I’m not embarrassed to say I don’t know what any of that means, even though though the song title ‘Zero Gravity’ is given. Similarly I don’t know why another woman dressed up as witch keeps swaying back and forth on a huge poll. Do any of the performers float? No, so maybe the video should simply be called ‘Tall’.

Austria

A singer singing in front of a screen? Even the video that was just shot in a room was at least in 3D. What’s on this screen? Fireworks, clouds, buildings, etc.; not exactly captivating or different. And the pictures are blurry. :S

Azerbaijan

A song called ‘Truth’ with lyrics that repeatedly go ‘shut up’. Is the act trying to say something to the others? Letting your overly competitive and jealous nature get to you much? Just act graciously. The lyrics seem to be at least decodable, but the video? What has swimming got to do with telling people to zip it? I guess you can’t speak underwater. A very deep symbol, actually. The water was also pretty deep. Deep times two.

Belarus

Ah, another promo video neglecter, simply making do with a recorded live show - this time featuring ironic lyrics that go ‘is he gonna like it?’ Do I like it? No! At least Austria tried a little bit with their powerpoint presentation. The dance moves don’t SUCK here, but they’re not particularly adventurous. Get you s**t together.

Belgium

A tune called ‘Wake Up’? A RATM influenced group, it seems. Well not as inspired as I was expecting. Far from it, this entry is very poppy, now that I think of it. It would probably make the metal band vomit. Where are the screams? Where are the distorted guitars, even? Dear God. At least the band have tried with their promotional clip, though. It features lots and lots of well shot faces. :O

Croatia

My favourite song so far. According to the internet, this is the worst one so far, though. Hm. Come on, the vocal melodies are very good. Well the verse themes are, the choruses are cliched. Still though, get your s**t together, Google. Yep, you too. I’m not saying I LIKE the song, but it is surely the most tolerable. In some ways. Ok, it’s cheesy isn’t it?

Pigeons then. I don’t know about you, but when I’m driving my car and the birds are on the road just in front of me, I always have to stop for them or I’d most likely run them over. How do they know I’m never in the mood for eating delicious, fresh, roadkill? The things seem to know exactly what they can get away with. They remind me of cocky, imprisoned juvenile delinquents who say things like ‘you have to let me go on the Playstation. I have rights.’ It’s antisocial behaviour and really, it shouldn’t be tolerated. Well that’s my first theory anyway. Maybe I’ve misunderstood the situations. As easy as it is to pretend to do so, unfortunately I can’t talk to the animals to get any real insight from them. I can certainly talk AT them, but would they care, or would they be too absorbed in their lives of crime?

Cyprus

Traditional Indian clothes, motocross bikes, feathers, shower scenes, welding, people getting paint thrown on them, smashing glass jugs with a bat, this video has it all.

Czech Republic

Ohhhh, this should win. I actually appreciate this one. You could say someone should send a large cheque to the Czech Republic. Oh no, now it’s me being cheesy. Eurovision is contagious! Need to get an outdated version of Powerpoint and put a load of random crap together…. Need to get Powerpoint… Need to get Powerpoint… No, snap out of it!

Denmark

Not only is there no official video with the Danes either, their performance blows. I’ve heard of unimaginative dance routines, but all you get here are sways from left to right. At best! Most of the time the singer is pretty still. To be fair though, she does get the audience swinging in a similar way and that should be respected. Either that or she blindly copies the audience without thought as she concentrates on singing, which is maybe a tiny bit creepy.

Estonia

No video again, but the vocalist is more active this time round, in that he walks around the stage. He doesn’t get the audience to walk around though, so Denmark has the advantage.

Finland

Here we have a song called ‘Look Away’. That was clearly reverse psychology as all performers want to be noticed, to put it mildly. But I’m not one to be manipulated, so I did actually look away. Consequently I can’t comment on this country, as I have no clue what they came up with.

France

If you thought the videos from before were narcissistic, this one takes the biscuit. Not only does the woman sing in front of a mirror, she sings in front of three of them! How many do you need?? Does she have a messiah complex? If so it’s not shown in the video, but… who knows?

Georgia

For a further time, I don’t know what this video means but the way the singer casually walks over razor wire is pretty badass. Like a terminator. But why is he singing like he’s in a boy band? To make himself look at least a little consistent, intentional and hopefully less weird (ok that won’t ever happen), he could call himself ‘Westlife T-1000’. Yes, a weird name for an act mainly appealing to little girls, young women and violent sci-fi fans, it’s weird for everyone, but… . it is different I suppose.

Germany

Again, no film but part of the stage does rotate at least. Some of the bigger budgeted acts will surely be kicking themselves when they find out merely spinning round and round over and over again can be entertaining. Only joking. It’s not. Next! (After a breather).

Pigeon hypothesis number 2: This is a bit of a sad one; the critters are so traumatised by the thought of being run over on an almost constant basis, they can’t bring themselves to admit cars exist. What happens when they do actually get flattened? I’m assuming they think to themselves ‘I’ve been so blind!’ but fortunately such desperate thinking doesn’t last long, because…. they die! As I said, very sad. What can be done to prevent further tragedies? Avian school would be crazy, but how about putting up posters of pigeons being mowed down by all sorts of vehicles? Of course they too might be ignored, but we have to try something.

Greece

Apparently this soppy number is supposed to be one of Eurovision’s best showcases. Why? I don’t know, which is why I chose to do some research… So, the images in this promo are completely dominated by pink. Almost everyone is wearing it, the background is pink and so are the balloon anti-escape devices, that are obviously from the old British sci-fi program ‘The Prisoner’. According to the internet, pink is very calming and makes people feel safe if not very girly. Everyone wants to feel that way (safe I mean) right, so they watch the production over and over and vote for it. There you have it. Problem solved. Everyone wear the colour next year!

Hungary

Ok, we don’t have a terminator boy band member here, but we do have an artist who dresses in leather clothes with metal studs on them. Can you imagine Judas Priest singing in the style of Westlife? Before this day, I certainly couldn’t anyway. I was happier before. I could also think far more clearly.

Iceland

Woooooah! This one took me COMPLETELY by surprise. The male singer’s screamy, distorted voice really is exceptionally hateful. Then comes the wussy chorus sung by poppy female singers. Who is this song supposed to appeal to exactly? Industrial metallers will thinks it’s lame, and ‘poppers’ will think it’s the work of the devil. :S

Ireland

More pink! Apparently this video isn’t thought of as highly as Greece’s, though. Hmm. Maybe the land of modes (Greece, in other words - I’m just trying to be creative) produced a favourite because of their usage of escape balloons, rather than colours. I doubt it though, that theory just sounds bizarre. You know what, I’m just going to leave the puzzle for the Carl Jungs among us. What’s the song like? Kinda boring. Next!

Israel

Most countries I’m sure either use black and white to cut costs as explained, or sometimes maybe they genuinely do try to be stylish. Here however, Israel seem to be attempting to depress everyone.

Italy

Another internet favourite it seems. Frustratingly for me, it features basically no pink OR cheesy anti-fleeing systems. The only explanation as to why it's admired is because it really is strong in the eyes of others. Personally, I guess this one is ALRIGHT, in that it isn’t overly emotional or just plain stupid. Well... I guess it’s a (relative) favourite of mine, too.

Latvia

A mostly colourless love themed video with a twist: Here we get oranges too, in places! Again with the help of the internet, it seems it’s the hue of enthusiasm. What better colour to manipulate people? I know I’d donate 15p to a call centre if someone made me feel excited. That’s an amazing deal. Of course if the WHOLE video was blatantly in orange everyone would see through the performers’ tricks, these people are cunning. ‘But Greece used pretty much all pink…’ Yes, but pink is commonly used in love songs, orange isn’t. That’s the difference.

Lithuania

‘Come on come on, let your feelings out’. Really? Is that you want? Ok, I’ve been watching music I mostly don’t like for hours now, and the one metal song there was, was super girly. I’m getting pretty bored. Is that what you wanted to hear? That’s what I thought. Plus my website is down right now, I don’t know why and I’m getting agitated. Some of my possessions are in danger of being broken somehow. Again, maybe it’s best I keep things in?? Please think next time, because imagine if you said ‘let your feelings out’ to a convicted murderer. Dumbass.

Argument three: This one is even more harrowing; pigeons are severely depressed. Put yourself in a bird’s position: For many thousands of years it’s been obvious humans are by far the most intelligent creatures on the planet. In the past, that fact got rubbed in the bird’s faces constantly by buildings, fancy clothes, etc., along with cutting insults like ‘bird brain’. However, at least people couldn’t fly… Until quite recently. Pigeons now feel so useless, they can’t face the world. But humans can’t fly without specialist equipment! Remember that when you think so negatively!

Malta

Now this one is just taking the p**s. ‘I’m bluer than the ocean, I’m golden like the rising sun, I’m red with hot emotion.’ The performer is using the power of colours times three! That can’t be allowed. If she wins, you’ll know why. Oh my God! The song continues!: ‘The grass is always greener’. That was cheeky. I think she might say ‘yellow’ a lot too for whatever reason but I can’t be sure. It’s either that or yeller. In either case, don’t trust this person.

Moldova

A bit of mild road rage in this one. An original concept, but inappropriate. I have to admit, some of the chord choices are kind of interesting, though. Most aren’t, but some are. The ending is tinged with sadness, too. Very poignant.

Montenegro

‘I’m in Heaven, falling’? Don’t you mean ‘rising’? Most people refer to Hell when they plummet. Personally, I would have loved to have heard ‘I’m in Hell, falling’, because THAT would be unique for the contest. But it wasn’t to be.

Netherlands

Skip to 1:26 on Youtube: ’How many patties in the slide’? It that what the singer said? My hearing isn’t so good. What’s this song about exactly? Fast food? ‘I carried the patty home’, it continues? I like burgers too. I don’t sing about them though. :S

North Macedonia

The miming is not so great, here. Sometimes the so called ’singers’ don’t even bother mouthing. Most of the time, in fact. This one is a little nonchalant and dramatic for my tastes.

Norway

Some of this is actually pretty decent. The intro vocal melody for example is very pleasing. However, the chorus is kind of typical; I swear I’ve heard something similar to it before. I can’t quite put my finger on it, probably because I never cared in the first place. And no proper video? No, no, no.

Poland

A lot of the harmony isn’t exactly contemporary with the Poles, in this case. I quite like this one. I don’t know much about Polish folk music, but it probably is in that style so I won’t do any research to confirm that fact. To be honest, I’m still feeling kind of anxious. It’s effecting me… … As I edit this later on, in the knowledge my page is now fine, I still can’t be bothered to do my homework. That’s just the kind of enigmatic guy I am.

Portugal

Ah red, the colour of passion fills the stage. Perhaps the colour of nervousness would have been more appropriate, here. The dude clearly isn’t loving the world’s eyes being on him as much as the other entertainers. On another note, I’m liking the items on his hands. They remind me of the Vega’s claws. Ah SNES Street Fighter. What a game. I never would have imagined it would inspire Eurovision, though.

Pigeon philosophy four: The animals think they’re invincible. It could be argued this theory is related to the second one, in that in this case pigeons are also delusional. However, instead of them denying cars exist, they think cars can’t kill them. It’s a defence mechanism, to help them deal with life. Again, that is until they get killed. Maybe a dose of antipsychotics could be beneficial for them. But how would we treat the millions of birds that are around? And let’s be coldly logical… Would it really be worth it? :( To cheer you up, here’s a joke: What do you get if you paint a mistress a dull colour? A mattress.

Romania

The blue video. Wait, that didn’t sound right. I’m just going to skip this one to avoid any further offence.

Russia

Another vid with epic, reverb heavy drums. Remember when Eurovision used to be ultra cheesy and silly? Now it’s gone all adventure saga. Adventure sagas about… well I’m not sure, a lot of the time. In this case it seems the three minute odyssey is simply about being sad. Hm.

San Marino

Ohhh, it seems I have a new favourite. Well written and fun. Kind of 90s. It’s very impressive such a small country of apparently 33,000 people wrote what is destined to be the winner. Well done.

Serbia

Another over-the-top, hyper emotional number. Thank God the lyrics are in Serbian, or I would have spewed.

Slovenia

A few people wandering round a snowy field, playing with drones and a toy plane? Not too impressive; the visuals could almost have been finalised as quickly as the piece lasts. Lots of Youtube comments praise the song, but unsurprisingly not anything else. Should I be the first one to do so? Something like ‘Awesome drone flying!’ I wonder what reaction I’d get. Probably some very mild pop music-based hate.

Spain

A nice and uptempo one. Maybe a bit too uptempo. Like listening to normal pitched Chipmunks for adults. :O

Sweden

A song called ‘Too Late for Love’ that goes ‘is it too late for love?’ Actually, it is. Most of the songs here are about the subject, and it’s getting very old. Sorry you had to find out this way, but really you should have used your common sense; just watch last year’s concert to get a feel for it.

Switzerland

Another love song. See, Sweden?

United Kingdom

This one isn’t so bad I guess. It’s not making me feel patriotic and optimistic about winning, though. I hate to say this Sweden, but it’s yet ANOTHER love song. I bet you feel quite the fools.

Final pigeon theory: Pigeons are simply stupid. Against all reason, this is actually the weakest argument. If the birds really were dumb, they would have gone extinct thousands of years ago. ‘But cars haven’t been around so long, maybe they’re not used to them and them alone’. Come on. How hard is it to appreciate the fact that a very large object speeding towards you is dangerous? Even flies can do that, and they think spending their whole lives clinging to light bulbs is worthwhile. Of course it isn’t. So which IS the most plausible theory? Maybe it’s a combination of all four of the preceding ones. If that’s the case, pigeons are clearly among the most troubled animals on the planet. But all I can do is speculate. Anyway, happy Eurovision!