Comedy Contest 20! (Blog 139)

My 20th comedy contest is over! Who won? Peter Murphy! He doesn’t have a funny name, so let’s skip the brutal jokes about him and blog about him! (No only joking, I wouldn’t ever make fun of what he is called, especially I as could easily get countered with the harsh though untrue ‘Simple Simon’)… Anyway, I love how modest the man is in his standup routine. In it, he describes how he used to spend his weekends alone with ‘a horse, a couple of cows, a pig, a sheep, two ducks, a goose, maybe a fox and a kangaroo.’ If I did the same, at very least I would be wondering what it is about me the animals were attracted to, and I’m 100% sure I’d brag about my way with wildlife to all my friends. It would just be a cool story.

Whether or not the animals followed the guy round, I don’t know but if they did and still do, I’m sure he could find immediate internet fame by filming that. Especially when you consider many people go crazy, simply when a dog pushes a door bell. But would the critters feel used? ‘That once cool dude, Pete, used to share a deep connection with us, now all he cares about is views’. That comment would be all the more painful, considering how sensitive cows and sheep are. Rejection from them really hurts. Kangaroos aren’t so soft though, in fact they’re surprisingly violent considering their fluffy appearance and harmless names such as ’Skippy’. (As apposed to the more fitting ‘iron fist’ or whatever). Anyway once again, Murphy didn’t brag, so well done him.

Unfortunately, Murphy has had some homo sapiens based relationship troubles in the past (a divorce, I mean), but you can’t have everything. Apparently you will never find humans who are perfect in every way, as if there were such people, there would be no society. That is because everyone would be competing (if not killing) one another. Sound strange? Well, by having flaws, we rely on others. So don’t worry Pete, by splitting up a while back, you have actually proved yourself not be a threat to humanity. And you’re married now aren’t you? So who cares if you made some mistakes with women. As you pointed out in your routine, they were funny. No only joking, I would never say they were. Again. But you did so it’s ok. To see the highly non-murderous and amazing animal lover in action, follow the link below….

https://www.facebook.com/schoolofhardknockknocks/videos/2314991415404053/

Now for the sake of being random, taking up space and feeling smugly superior, I will be giving my groundbreaking case against the theory of evolution: Flies have been around for hundreds of millions of years, right? They also reproduce and die far more often than humans so they should evolve faster. So why are they still so f***ing stupid? In particular, you’d have thought they would have learnt that you can’t pass through windows, by now. They’ve had many centuries to do so, but they keep going at them over and over. Not only that, why do they fly in swarms near to me when I’m out of breath on my bike, so I swallow a load of them? Ok, bikes haven’t been around as long, but people have ran around since there were people in the first place! All flies have to do is get out of other’s way. Does THAT sound like evolution to you? Exactly, Charles Darwin would be kicking himself. Alright, I’ll leave with my classic… BYE!!!!