Charity Shop Escapades (Blog 153)

I’ve kind of milked my local charity shop dry of good CDs, leaving stuff I’m uninterested in and LPs so bad, if they were added to my collection, they would taint it. I am of course referring to boy/girl band music. I don’t even allow such material in my room. If I get given the stuff as a gift or whatever, I have to leave it in the garden, preferably buried. Because of my excessive local ’music mining’, I travelled a couple of miles on my bike and milked the shops dry, there. The establishments were a little more expensive, but as their products were in good condition, I was more than happy to pay the price. Of course, by the time I got home I cracked the cases anyway and I hate damaged albums, as I’m sure all music lovers do. Unfortunately however, having Googled the phrase ‘CD case replacement service’ I got no exact results. Apparently cases cost around 50p each. I’d gladly pay that money plus an extra £1 for the time to fit the artwork/leaflets, etc., making at least one pound profit per album. I have hundreds of damaged cases, meaning an innovative entrepreneur would earn hundreds from me alone. Of course, I’d have to wait till Christmas to get the cash, but it’d be worth it.

‘How did the containers get split? It was only a short journey home. They must have been bad quality…’ Ok, it’s time to jump to the defence of my new additions to the family. I kind of crushed them in a bag, also containing a fried chicken takeaway, but part of me thinks it was worth it. ‘Simon! You don’t know what you’re saying!’ No, no, I’m being serious, but only part of me to be clear. The meal was very nice and slightly plastic squash-worthy to coin a phrase. It was nicer than KFC and their magic secret recipe. ‘Oh wow, it’s secret’. Yeah. Remember, it takes no skill to patent something and to come up with whatever combination of ingredients you like. Ok KFC’s coating IS nice, it’s just not the best thing in the world, as KFC seem to act like it is. I mean with their two kinds of factories making two separate parts of the ingredients, so no one knows the complete recipe. (Unless they work for the two places at different times, of course). Or is that another company that uses twin factories? Never mind, it’s been typed. There’s no going back.

Let’s give a brief summary of my new CDs, then. First up is Limp Bizkit’s ‘The Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavoured Water’. Like KFC, it seems the band think they’re clever when they’re not. One of the songs has many dozens of f**ks in it. The singer is clearly pleased with himself and says ‘if I say f**k two more times that’s 46 f**ks in the f**ked up rhyme,’ but would you think I was smart if I wrote f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k etc., in a blog or would you just think that I had anger problems? Of course the album isn’t just swear words that would be completely insane as well as a rip off, but still, would you take me seriously if 10% of my words were curses, even? Exactly. (You didn’t read my book The Danger of Proverbs, did you? No? Good). Having said all that negative, even condescending stuff, I own very little rap metal, so I’m glad I spent my cash.

Next up was a bit of a risk as I knew I liked early Green Day, but not so much GD from their ‘Warning’ period onwards - too annoying. I wondered what their in-between period was like. Let’s find out now by listening to ‘Insomniac’ and then ‘Nimrod’… To put it simply, the first is like ‘Dookie’ but not as good, and the second is like ‘Insomniac’ but not as good. Part of the problem is the over-reliance on power chords. The guitarists out there will know that such devices only have two notes. Being creative with patterns based on two tones is not so easy, it’s like being inventive with two numbers - zero and one. Wait, you program computers with those digits don’t you? Never mind, bad example. There is some complicated harmony in the albums in the form of three notes, but it’s nothing special. What is special is the song ‘Platypus’. Not because it’s good (again, it’s just alright), but because its tempo is a little on the extreme side. It just sounds funny. Excessive speed when it’s not expected is laugh worthy. What would you rather see? A puppy or indeed any adorable animal on sleeping pills or crack cocaine? My point is proven.

The biggest risk of all was the (relatively) new Bon Jovi album I bought, called ‘Have a Nice Day’, released in 2005. As with most bands, they started off in their career really rocking (think ‘Slippery When Wet’) then got milder, but still respectable (‘Keep the Faith’) and ended up terrible. Well they probably did; let’s find out. Yes, my theory was right. Ok, HAND (lol) isn't that bad, but it’s kind of country rock I guess. As I like rock not country, you won’t be surprised when I say I half like this one. I suppose it would make appropriate background music as it’s highly ignorable, but no group would take that as a compliment. Oh, I spoke too soon; it seems track five ‘Last Man Standing’ has a bit of an aggressive sound to it. (Again, relatively). Ooh, do I hear a guitar solo? Very classic, but such class was short lived as the next song is boring. The angry faced cover art of the release really is misleading. Like advertising Westlife as brutal death metal. Sound amusing to you? Well maybe. But not when you’re made to pay for it.

Lastly I’ll talk about the self-titled Avenged Sevenfold album I purchased. Let’s mention some of the lyrics. They go ‘I’m not insane…’ That’s fair enough. If I was a psychiatrist in a mental institution, I would think ‘ok’, let’s give you an evaluation to see if you’re fit to go home. But then the singer laughs! As in ‘I’m not insane, hahaha!’ Talk about a ruined chance. No, you’re not going home, you sound like a complete weirdo. Fortunately for A7X, they’re the only lyrics that stand out, which is a bit of a bummer for me in terms of idea generating. Let’s Google some words so I can take the p*ss out of them. Sorry, Avenged Sevenfold, that’s just how I roll. Ok! Another song goes ‘caught up in this madness, too blind to see. Woke animal feelings in me, took over my sense and I lost control. I’ll taste your blood tonight.’ Alright, now you’re REALLY not going back to your warm lovely house. Probably never even. It’s your own fault.

Well now I’m gong to put the CDs I just bought, into my collection in alphabetical order, which will be a bit of a task, as I’ll have to move many hundreds in the process. At least I don’t have to worry about cracking them, because they’re all f***ing cracked already, pretty much. If you know of someone willing to offer his or her services making my assortment seem new again, please let me know. So I can go back to staring at it in awe, the way cover art and such was meant to be stared at. Like a stupefied freak. No only joking - like a thoughtful connoisseur. Some CDs don’t deserve to be even looked at (that Bon Jovi artwork looks like it was completed on computer in a few minutes, ironically spoiling my day just a little), but some albums are life changing. Check out ‘War to End All Wars’ by Yngwie Malmsteen. THAT’S art. But I’ve cracked it. Quite badly, in fact. Anywho………….. bye!