1 in 156 (Blog 156)

Ok, this is my 156th blog, now. You’d expect at least one of them to be totally sad, right? So maybe the following isn’t so bad in the grand scheme of things. ’Simon, sad? What do you mean??’ Well… yesterday my family were planning to enjoy a lovely pub lunch, but unfortunately my brother was sick so it was cancelled. So I can be on my way to getting my at least four blogs a month done, I need to tell the world something, though… So I will be writing about what COULD have happened. Not only am I fantasist right now, I’m fantasising about something relatively mundane (right?) and that is very painful for me. But again, work needs to get done…

Right here goes: We all walk into the pub and immediately the owner runs up to me and his jaw drops open. He then comments, excitedly: ‘Wow. If only the weather was as warmhearted as your eyes.’ Flattered, I simply say ‘thank you’. But he continues… ‘And the weather IS warm, that’s the thing!’ At this point I blush and nod my head. Me and my family are then led to the best table that is ridiculously clean - but not so thoroughly cleaned the woodwork is worn away. It’s just right. It’s just a table and it doesn’t really matter, but still, it’s just right. We all ask what the best food on the menu is, and we get told it’s the caviar topped lobsters. But because of my enchanting eyes, we all get the food for free! The owner explains that he wished everyone could be like me, though that would result in him being put out of business. But even then, it would be worth it.

When the flawless grub arrives in a couple of minutes or so, my brother comments on how hot the food is. I then point out ‘not as hot as your observations are!’ Of course we’re all rolling on the floor in hysterics at this point and the other diners burst into a wild applause. Then everyone chants ‘King! King! King!’ Then I lay back nonchalantly as if that happens all the time. So… Does all that sound like a harmless dream? Well apparently having unrealistic expectations is a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder, would you believe it? But what I just wrote wasn’t unrealistic, so I’m all fine. Now I’ll continue on with what could, no WOULD have happened last Sunday: After we all finish our dinners, ‘We are the Champions’ by Queen blasts out from somewhere and confetti falls from the ceiling on me alone! It actually homes in on me. The owner then sprints up to me and hugs me for a good half a minute or so, and tears of joy fall from his eyes. As explained however, that didn’t happen. But fingers crossed, new plans will be made and we’ll see how they go. I bet you think I AM a narcissist right? Well, maybe we’ll see.

Anyway, reality: Because of my sensory deprivation yesterday, I decided to go for a walk in the local countryside, instead. (After coming up with some funky jokes). It was also a good time to test my knees. Before visiting the PHYSIOTHERAPIST (yes, not orthopaedic surgeon apparently) my knees would start to hurt 30 minutes or so after rambling, but because of the exercises I was given, I didn’t get much pain at all after a good two hours. Success! Naturally, other parts of my legs started to hurt but not a lot, so who cares? It’s still early days, so maybe one day I will be running like a normal person. A while ago, when I saw someone in his 70s or 80s jogging quite happily in the same area without any apparent issue, it was kind of annoying for me, I have to say. Okey dokey, four paragraphs, not too shabby. As explained, hopefully next week I’ll be blogging about real pubs. If not, I may have to review my least and most favourite grapes, and to be honest, I’m not exactly excited about that. Bye!