Chorts Part 3! (Blog 164)

Yesterday I went to the Bill Murray pub/comedy club in Angel, London to watch a series of chorts, just as I did last year and the year before that. (Chorts? All will be explained). But I’m not going to go into the journey there as it went SO well. Both the train part and the walk. Writing about that stuff would be boring. Thanks to my expert map drawing and notes, I didn’t have to get help from anyone and that alone made Sunday rather special. Unique even. Consequently, this opening paragraph is going to be a little short. Never mind. (Well it would be if I didn’t say it was short. Yes more of my trademark weird writing, you’ve grown to know and love. Or be annoyed by. Either way, a better looking few sentences).

When I got in the pub section of the venue, I had a bit of time to kill before the performances, so I asked for a single shot of whisky. It’s always good to watch your alcohol consumption, so I asked how many units the drink was. The bartender said it was 13! That’s one away from your recommended weekly allowance! The alcohol in the drink must have been well over 100% proof. It must have been some kind of ultra concentrated mega alcohol I’ve never heard of. I insisted to her that was wrong, but I don’t think she understood what units were. Maybe she was talking about alcohol content but that must have been incorrect too, as whiskies are usually around 40% aren’t they? Basically she could have been talking about anything with that number.

Whatever its make up, it was a perfectly reasonable drink. Not feeling even the slightest bit dizzy when finishing it, I risked a fatal dose and got one more of the same. I also got a ginger beer. I should have asked the bartender how many units of alcohol that was, just to hear her reply. I’m sure it would have been blog worthy. Maybe she’d pull a random number out of the air, just to screw with me. I guess the work can be a little boring at times, and you have to entertain yourself. Just a theory.

As time went by, more and more people entered the pub until it was quite crowded. Pretty much everyone was chatting to each other, but I kind of just sat on my own. So I was people watching, then? Nope. Just sat on my own. Due to technical problems, the main event started half an our late. I admire the staff member’s honesty, but why not say that was your intention? If I ran the place, I would just say everything was relaxed and non-serious. A kind of ‘turn up when you feel like it’ place. How cool, right?

Would you believe it, this year I wasn’t allowed to sit at the back of the I guess ‘gig room’, as those seats were reserved for special people. I had to sit in the middle or front like a fool. (I chose the best of the two options, and you can guess what that was). Never mind, at least this year I could actually see the pen and paper in front of me, so I could mark which chorts (short filmed clips, shown on a screen) I would and wouldn’t be interested in seeing more of. None of the clips sucked but how awkward would it be not to tick an act you thought wasn’t great? Many of the creators were sat by me. Not to worry, I came up with a special system: Rather that just ticking the ones I liked, I also crossed the ones I wasn’t so keen on. Only a talented spy could see exactly what I was writing. Simple, but effective. Once the show was over, the ticks from all audience members were counted and the winners were announced.

After the performances, (almost) everyone had a chat with everyone else again and got to know each other more. After a while, I got involved just a little as I wanted a simple question answered and that was that. Someone commented on my map that I was soon scanning in my hand. (Yes, it’s good to be prepared). Completely doubting my drawing abilities he ‘joked’ ‘that’s not drawn to scale, is it?’ I smugly replied ‘yes, it is. :P’ Never doubt my abilities, or you’ll get powned. Ok, sure my road thicknesses weren’t accurate, but if you’re confused by that, you’re an idiot.

The journey back was perhaps even more efficient by a few minutes or so. Ok, I had to get directions just once, but if I had a little more patience, that wouldn’t have been necessary. So there. The only thing worth noting was when a five year old girl kicked me in the leg a couple of times for no reason whatsoever on the train. She didn’t kick me hard, she didn’t really go for it, but still; she clearly has authority problems that need to be nipped in the bud. Ok, then! That was yesterday blogged for you. Nothing else to say, other than this paragraph needs a little beefing. That will do. Bye!