Blog 200! (Ultra Blog 2)

So, this is it… Blog 200! It’s basically just the continuation of the story that was in Blog 100, but don’t be disappointed - at the very end I will tell you what the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in all my almost 32 years on Earth was! Let’s gooooo!!!!!

INT: HELL'S ENTRANCE - MINUTES LATER

GEORGE'S screaming GROUP plummet through a pitch-black tunnel for about a minute, onto a floor of glowing, burning rocks. Their now unresponsive bodies are facing a cramped, rough passageway, that extends indefinitely. Visibility is now fiery and grim all around.

GEORGE is the first to regain consciousness. He has just this second put away his pen and paper into a suit pocket, after making the short but dramatic diary entry, you've just read. He used an expletive, which he soon crossed out.

Eventually, CHAD, OSCAR and MATT awaken as well. The WISE OLD MAN'S SPIRIT can't be injured so easily, so he was fine all along.

SIR GEORGE

(enthusiastically)

These suits are amazing! Fancy falling from that height and suffering no broken bones! I mean your bones aren't broken are they, everyone?

CHAD MACALPINE

(relieved but nervous)

I'm fine.

OSCAR CANS

Same, here.

MATT TALBOTT

(unsettled)

Me too. My main concern is getting captured...

SIR GEORGE

We won't get captured, Matt... Oh, wow. The passage is burning up and I can't even feel it. Alrighty then; everyone understand how we eat?

CHAD MACALPINE

I know, I know. We just remove the mask, like this...

CHAD takes off his mask and holds it in his hand.

CHAD MACALPINE

(choking)

Jeez.... That's quite a biting smell... I can really feel the heat, now...

SIR GEORGE

Nice. Let's get trekking! We're now the Hell Hikers!

The HELL HIKERS set off on their journey through the more horizontal tunnel. GEORGE picks his guide from a pocket.

SIR GEORGE

(concentrating)

Ok, looking at this map, we have a few miles to go before things get interesting...

CHAD MACALPINE

(intrigued)

How do you think no one has ever found this place?

SIR GEORGE

Apparently, the entrance is guarded by a couple of super-tough bouncers. Once people come here, they don't leave alive.

CHAD MACALPINE

So, where are they?

SIR GEORGE

God explained this to me, before the car journey. He said they're in prison right now, for stealing flowers as a joke. But laws are laws. Hell is technically exposed for a while but he told me not to worry. There aren't any plans to do any digging round here, or anything. Even if there were, he does have special powers, doesn't he...

CHAD MACALPINE

(trying to be lighthearted)

Ok.... So... Fancy a chat, anyone?

SIR GEORGE

Sure...

CHAD MACALPINE

You like films?

SIR GEORGE

Sometimes... Go for it...

CHAD MACALPINE

So, I saw Back to the Future, the other day... Ever seen it? I thought it was really good...

SIR GEORGE

(irritated)

No.. I thought about this when it first came out... I would never watch a film made by liars.

CHAD MACALPINE

What do you mean?

SIR GEORGE

Mike J. Fox...

CHAD MACALPINE

Eh?

SIR GEORGE

Well, he's not a mic - a microphone, I mean - a jay, or a fox, is he? He's a liar.

CHAD MACALPINE

(still somewhat confused)

Ok. But that's his parent's fault, isn't it?

SIR GEORGE

Like father, like son.

OSCAR CANS

I don't agree with that phrase. Ever seen the Star Wars films? Luke fighting against his father?

MATT TALBOTT

Yeah...

SIR GEORGE

(starting to see reason)

Good point... I saw a picture of Mike, recently...

CHAD MACALPINE

...Michael...

SIR GEORGE

(or is he?)

... He looked angry. Maybe he's angry at his parents for calling him things he could never be...

CHAD MACALPINE

(humouring him)

That was pretty deep...

SIR GEORGE

Thanks. Ever heard of Annett Wolf?

CHAD MACALPINE

Ahem... George. You're weirding me out, I have to be honest. Just because someone has a name, it doesn't mean it has any kind of special significance. You better not go mental on us and get us stuck, here.

SIR GEORGE

Relax. I know what I'm doing. I just have some theories I'm working on.

CHAD MACALPINE

(about to loose his cool)

Please, for the love of God, leave the theories. Ok??

SIR GEORGE

(calmly)

Alright, alright. Whatever.

After an hour or so of mindless drivel, the HIKERS spot the end of the tunnel. They come across a completely black hole wide enough for five large men to enter. It is impossible to say how deep it goes. It looks bottomless.

MATT TALBOTT

What do we do now?

SIR GEORGE

(edgy)

Looking at this map, I think we jump... There's nowhere else to go...

MATT TALBOTT

WHAT??

SIR GEORGE

Do you have any idea how long it would take to climb down? It might take days, weeks or longer! Just jump.

MATT TALBOTT

Can we take advice from God?

SIR GEORGE

No certainly not. God's spirit can't enter Hell. He doesn't get along with Satan.

MATT TALBOTT

My word...

SIR GEORGE

Come on, I think we'll be fine. Do you even have any bruises from before?

MATT TALBOTT

I don't think so. I'm not even in pain...

SIR GEORGE

(nervous)

Well there you go. I'll go first. Just remember, once you reach a certain speed, you won't accelerate any longer. And don't scream! We're supposed to keep a VERY low profile! The map says the bottom isn't populated, so we probably won't get caught, but still, there's too much to risk. Don't worry about the Food Eternaliser; it's solid as a rock.

There is a nervous silence and a pause. SIR GEORGE gets out his writing equipment and notes everything that's just happened, just as fast as before. Once finished, the GROUP jump in silence, one by one.

INT: HELL - LATER, WHENEVER THAT IS

MATT is the last of the ADVENTURERS to wake up, after being unconscious for God knows how long. The GROUP have found themselves inside a room in total darkness. The ground seems to be solid rock.

SIR GEORGE

(annoyed)

Ouch. Ok, that time it DID hurt. You ok, Matt?

MATT TALBOTT

God dammit, George.

CHAD MACALPINE

Yeah, for flip's sake.

OSCAR CANS

(fed up)

......

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

(trying to be grounded)

Just remember, everyone; no one is invincible. Apart from me. Because I’m special.

MATT TALBOTT

We know! Just tell George!

SIR GEORGE

Don't be so grumpy. We respectfully waited around for you to wake up, and it took ages. Just get out your torch. Thank God no one lost all hope and got it for themselves. I don't care how much clothing you're wearing, I'm not touching you!

Annoyed, MATT gets out a torch from his chest pocket. He shines it slowly full circle, showing a claustrophobic, cave-like space. The doors are just as jagged as the walls. He reads what he sees, aloud.

MATT TALBOTT

(nervously)

Room 1: Torture Chamber........... Room 2: Punishment Room........... Room 3: Forced Labour Room........ Room 4: Cafeteria.................

SIR GEORGE

The cafeteria sounds nice...

MATT TALBOTT

What do you think this is? A holiday? We have some serious work to do!

CHAD MACALPINE

(grounded)

Technically, the spice mine could be in any of those rooms...

SIR GEORGE

(thoughtfully)

Note the word 'mine'. What kind of cafeteria has a mine in it? I'm guessing it's the 'forced labour' room.

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

Look at the map...

SIR GEORGE

(annoyed)

Oh yeah. Ok, it's the torture chamber.

MATT TALBOTT

(curiously)

I wonder what's in the forced labour room....

SIR GEORGE

God dammit, Matt! What do you think this is? A museum?!

MATT TALBOTT

Shut up... Who wants to open the door? Why don't you do it, George? You're clearly a hero...

SIR GEORGE

(honestly)

Do you know why I chose you to come on this mission?

MATT TALBOTT

(intrigued)

Why?

SIR GEORGE

Oh. You don't know. Neither do I.

CHAD MACALPINE

(getting tired)

Ok. I'll open the damn door...

SIR GEORGE

(hurriedly)

Wait, wait, wait. Can you give me some time to record everything, please?

CHAD MACALPINE

Go on then....

SIR GEORGE writes the past events down, with more supernatural speed.

LIVE: Alright, CHAD'S opening the door! OAO...........

INT: HELL, TORTURE ROOM - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

This certainly isn't a traditional room; it could well be a whole continent. The semi-solid magma floor that provides much of the lighting for miles around, gradually gets lower and lower; the gradient is about a quarter of a standard staircase. The smoke covered ceiling is over a thousand miles high, and is held in place by rows of rusted and glowing iron pillars, several meters thick and about 20 meters apart. The whole place can be compared to a nightmarish forest. That was pretty deep. Go me.

A couple of miles away, is an open circular spice pit, surrounded by even more similarly spaced columns. It is maybe a mile in diameter, and is burning a bright yellow. There are about a hundred, maybe 8 foot tall, muscular DEMONS there, and just one CAPTIVE, all of whom look like ants. The latter doesn't stand a chance. He looks like he is chained to the ground, constantly whipped and forced to gather the lucent spices beneath him. His agonising screams are more than audible, even at this distance. Past all of this, the ground with its metal beams starts to rise, as slowly as it fell beforehand.

CHAD MACALPINE

What the HELL is this? Imagine an eternity of being whipped on caustic spices... I want to get a closer look at those demons. From here, I can just about see that they look evil.

SIR GEORGE

We have to pass them, anyway. But can you imagine what they would do to us, if they found us? Luckily, these pillars will do a good job of hiding us.

CHAD MACALPINE

How far are we from our target?

SIR GEORGE

According to the map, a few thousand miles. Don't fret though. The spice delivery train is just past that first pit, over there... Somewhere. It probably goes a reasonable speed, so the journey shouldn't take too long. We hijack the train all the way to Mauna Loa; the biggest volcano in the world. That's where the heart of the mine is. That's also where we plant the Food Eternaliser and make our escape. Let's get going, follow me.

SIR GEORGE leads the CREW past each pillar, one at a time. With every few meters of progress, they hide behind the supports and check their backs. These actions get repeated dozens of times, before they get to the last row, in front of the quite frankly mental clearing. I should have said it was mental before for the sake of good writing, but I’m all over the place right now. Maybe you assumed it was mental. Well whatever. I’m not an author, leave me alone.

Once they EVENTUALLY reach this milestone, they get a real view of the horrific mine and the evil activities on it. If the group weren't wearing their special goggles, they wouldn't be able to tolerate the intensity of the spice's bright shine.

The hundred or so (yep, I was right before) humanoid DEMONS roaming the area seem to be all from the same species, or whatever you call their group. They are far more ripped than gorillas, and make their single, (right again) chained VICTIM look like a dwarf. Their skin is red and two crooked horns are on the top of their heads. Their facial expression is too awful too describe. So I won't.

OSCAR CANS

(whispering)

Is that... Jeffrey Dahmer being whipped??

SIR GEORGE

(also whispering)

His face does look familiar...

JEFFREY DAHMER is 34 years old and 6 foot tall. His eyes are some of the most mental you will ever come across. One wonders what could turn a man into basically Satan, because that's what he looks like. In addition to his rather expected features, his large glasses give him a geeky vibe. His skin is grey and lifeless. He is wearing only low quality, denim shorts.

JEFFREY DAHMER

Go on; keep whipping me. I don't care anymore!!

JEFFREY DAHMER gets whipped repeatedly.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(in anger)

AAAAARRRGGGHH!!!!

DEMON NO.1

(grunting deeply)

.... Alright, that's about as much whipping we can manage for now. We're going to have fun hanging people down the tracks and leave you to burn, here. Good luck removing those chains. All the demons in Hell couldn't do it if they grouped together!!

The massive collection of DEMONS leave the pit and walk up into the distance, through the iron jungle. Soon they disappear completely.

OSCAR CANS

Oh my word! I was worried they'd come towards us!

MATT TALBOTT

I think all of us were fearing that.

SIR GEORGE and the rest give a minute or so for the DEMONS to fully leave. Like completely leave. MATT looks at his watch, filled with suspense. Finally, MATT gives an approving nod to GEORGE, signalling him to keep trekking. Only a few steps in, GEORGE calls the CAPTIVE on impulse.

SIR GEORGE

(shouting)

Hey! Is that you Jeffrey?!

MATT TALBOTT

George, do you have to be so loud??

SIR GEORGE

It's ok, the demons are long gone.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(shouting in torment and astonishment)

Who the hell are you?!

SIR GEORGE

We're here to destroy the spice mine!

JEFFREY DAHMER

What?? Come closer!

OSCAR CANS

(whispering)

Are you REALLY sure you want to talk to him?

SIR GEORGE

(whispering, too)

Relax. He's chained with the toughest materials imaginable; Satanic materials...

SIR GEORGE and CO. walk up to JEFFREY with growing confidence. Once they reach the pit, their feet make the heap of inch long spices underneath them crackle and snap.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(in unbearable pain)

You want to destroy the spice mine? I can help you! Just get me out of these chains and back on Earth!

JEFFREY tugs on the white, mist-like chain in despair. Despite its appearance, it is more solid than steel. Far, far more. It looked like normal steel a while back, though. Which is why I didn't bother describing it.

MATT TALBOTT

(in disgust)

We're not sure we need your help...

JEFFREY DAHMER

Oh, yes you do. I know this whole place a lot better than you do! What are you, first time adventurers? I've never seen you, before...

SIR GEORGE

(being practical)

He might have a point, we don't know this area, well... All we have is a map... Without his help we may easily get stuck, here...

CHAD nods in desperation.

SIR GEORGE

What do you know, Jeffrey?

JEFFREY DAHMER

I know the demon's routines, all the four rooms of Hell, the train route, everything...

SIR GEORGE

I think I have an idea.

MATT TALBOTT

You're not going to help him are you?! What if he eats us?!

SIR GEORGE

(nervously)

Thou shalt not kill....

There is a strange rumble in the distance. Maybe it's from the train...

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

(alarmed)

You're not trying to strengthen proverbs, are you George??

SIR GEORGE

Can you think of a better idea? We're alone in Hell, populated by millions of demons and God knows how many maniacs, and we have little more than a tiny guillotine on a conveyer belt, and a pack of yogurt.

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

Sure, saying proverbs over and over again can make helpful proverbs become reality... But what about the bad ones?

JEFFREY DAHMER

(inspired)

You mean to say, if I say a proverb enough times, it will become true?!

OSCAR CANS

OH DEAR GOD, NO!

The GROUP fall to their knees, in torment. OSCAR throws a hand full of blinding chilis at GEORGE.

CHAD MACALPINE

George! You've just given a prolific, immortal cannibal godlike powers!!!

OSCAR CANS

FOR GOD'S SAKE, CHAD!

SIR GEORGE

(defending himself)

Technically, it was the Wise Old Man's fault...

OSCAR CANS

No one cares!!

MATT TALBOTT

We're going to have to make sure he shuts up!

SIR GEORGE

Are you our friend, Jeffrey?

JEFFREY DAHMER

(happily)

Of course!

SIR GEORGE

And are you in need?....

JEFFREY DAHMER

Yes, absolutely!

SIR GEORGE

(relieved)

Good. A friend in need, is a friend indeed.

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

(edgy)

What if he's lying??

SIR GEORGE

There's safety in numbers...

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

..... Fair point... I think we should release him... But since the ban of proverbs on Earth, the influence of them has become non-existent. As no one has said a proverb in years, you'll need to repeat yourself millions of times for them to materialise!

SIR GEORGE

I know that the less people as a whole say proverbs, the harder it is for them to happen. But I have an idea....

SIR GEORGE gets out his pen and paper. He writes down all the proverbs he just now wanted to make reality, and writes 'times infinity', next to them... The rest of his mortal MEN look at him with admiration and fear. The bleak surroundings heighten their emotions.

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

George, you genius!

SIR GEORGE

Jeffrey, because of the rules of the universe, I know I can trust you not to eat anyone. I want you to yank your chain, three times...

JEFFREY DAHMER

Why??

SIR GEORGE

Third time lucky...

GEORGE writes 'third time lucky x infinity', and JEFFREY pulls his chain hard, you guessed it, three times. Even though hopeful, he still has a wicked and pained face.

JEFFREY DAHMER

Holy moly! It worked! Come with me, I'll take you to where you want to go!

JEFFREY leads the GROUP past the spice pit and upwards. The beginning of the Hell train station is now in sight, half a mile away. Even though free, JEFFREY is still scorching hot. His blistering feet in particular, are causing him obvious misery. He keeps going on about them.

SIR GEORGE

(casually)

Sorry Jeffrey, I just have to make a note of everything that's happened... You're right, by the way; we are adventurers. We're on a mission from God and we have to spread his message to everyone.

JEFFREY DAHMER

What message?

SIR GEORGE

I don't know, yet...

LIVE: This is a bit mental isn't it? OAO.

INT: HELL'S TRAIN STATION - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

The first spice pit is now behind the GROUP (ahh, logic) and a similar one is seen a few miles, gently downhill. Again, gigantic and ageing metallic poles need to be crossed to reach it. This is Hell, not a holiday destination. About half a mile to the left, are five sets of red hot Hell train tracks. They are all immediately close to each other. In contrast to the ground, they are straight as a ruler. They are laid out on an impressive, solid rock bridge that never gets higher than the highest mounds.

The terminal seems to be composed of the same odd substance as JEFFREY'S old chains. It's a translucent and hollow hanger, made from pearl coloured, slow moving fog. Motionless and seen through the building, are maybe four ghostlike and mighty, old fashioned locomotives, each with about twenty cars behind them. Maybe. One train seems to seat the undead, though that's not exactly 100% clear either, and maybe three trains with roof-less carriages transport seasonings that are almost overflowing. I was told by JEFFREY not to look at the front of the vehicles.

CHAD MACALPINE

(surprised)

Are these trains really hard enough for us to travel on?

JEFFREY DAHMER

(still in pain - it's Hell!)

They're more solid than anything you can imagine...

CHAD MACALPINE

Who drives them? Why did you stop me from looking?

JEFFREY DAHMER

More demons, only bigger. You don't want to look at them.

CHAD MACALPINE

Why not?

JEFFREY DAHMER

(frightened)

Just don't.

Out of the corner of his eye, OSCAR notices the roof's layer of smoke, descending in bulbous clouds.

OSCAR CANS

(concerned)

What's going on, up there?

JEFFREY DAHMER

(calmly)

It looks like a smoke storm is coming. It will probably be a few hours before visibility becomes non-existent.

SIR GEORGE

(hopefully)

That could really work out for us!

JEFFREY DAHMER

It might do. I know where you want to go, so the ability to see isn't vital. But it will make things difficult at times.

SIR GEORGE

Even if we did need to see, the smoke storm won't last long, will it?

JEFFREY DAHMER

It shouldn't last any longer than a whole day, maximum.

SIR GEORGE

Great. Is there a place we can hide, if need be?

JEFFREY DAHMER

Throughout the whole train journey, we can hide in the toilets.

SIR GEORGE

(starting to lose hope)

.... You don't mean literally do you? You mean metaphorical toilets?

JEFFREY DAHMER

It's not so bad. The demons you see just poo out spices. It's the stuff I've been gathering. That's why there's so much of it... Just wipe it off and throw it away.

SIR GEORGE

Get lost! Why don't we just hide in the delivery carriages?

JEFFREY DAHMER

(angry)

Do you know how long I've been standing on those yellow turds?! My feet are a mess! I'm not getting that evil crap ALL over my body! I just want contact with something that doesn't burn me to death! It's a miracle I'm finally used to the constant gleaming!

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

(fearlessly)

I have an idea. Get out the Food Eternaliser and yogurt.

SIR GEORGE

(relieved)

Of course! We can cover you in yogurt! That will take the pain away!

GEORGE reaches into his pocket to get out his equipment and food.

SIR GEORGE

Check this out, you'll love it...

GEORGE unlocks the F.E.’s glass case and takes it off the holy apparatus. He then opens his small pack of yogurt. He puts a small dollop on the still conveyer belt, and seals the packet. GEORGE then turns the contraption on. The belt moves slowly and once the food is centred, the guillotine chops it in half. Over the course of a minute, he twists the speed knob and works it up to full throttle. Soon, the device's actions become nothing but a blur. Next to it, a mound of yogurt develops. In mere seconds of full power, there is enough to cover JEFFREY. (If that didn’t make sense to you, I suggest reading part 1 again. :S )

JEFFREY DAHMER

My word... Infinite yogurt... How?

SIR GEORGE

Basically, as it can get divided an endless amount of times, you get an as much of the stuff as you like. Alright, cover yourself in the stuff and get in those cars!

Dripping with thick goo, JEFFREY leads the way through MORE(!!) scorching pillars. He journeys in the same careful fashion GEORGE, CHAD, OSCAR and MATT did, earlier.

Some time later, the TEAM come to come to a standstill and hide once more. Now the trains can be seen more easily through the hanger. Yep, there are four!

JEFFREY DAHMER

Ok, we're here. Just whatever you do, don't look at the demons in the front ends of the trains. It will mess you up.

SIR GEORGE

Noted. How do we get in the hanger without being spotted?

JEFFREY DAHMER

If the trains aren't moving, the demons will almost certainly be sleeping. They're lazy scumbags. Just be as quiet as possible and sneak in through the entrance, where the trains leave.

SIR GEORGE

Okey dokey...

As quiet as mice pooing themselves, the GANG sneak inside the hanger to see a strange, hot, yellow fog. (Yes I should have said it was yellow earlier, sue me). They target the nearest train and tiptoe to its carriage at the back. CHAD kneels down on the floor, and OSCAR climbs onto his shoulder. Filled with adrenaline, CHAD doesn't have too much trouble standing up and lifting his friend. From here, OSCAR jumps onto the brilliant yellow cargo. He then helps CHAD up, then MATT and GEORGE.

OSCAR CANS

Jeffrey, you're going to be too slippery to lift!

JEFFREY DAHMER

(defiantly)

Grab my hair!

OSCAR CANS

What??

JEFFREY DAHMER

Just do it! I can take more pain than you can imagine!

OSCAR carries out the desperate request. GEORGE notes down everything that has just happened again, then everyone buries themselves a foot deep in the goods. However, it is a long wait before the train leaves.

INT: SPICE TRAIN CARRIAGE - ONE HOUR LATER

For those with protective goggles on, the experience of the fierce lemon glare is unpleasant and without a doubt, overpowering; little else would be seen, even if the STOWAWAYS were on top of them. The SERIAL KILLER is much more tormented by the spices in his face, however. (He keeps going on about that, too). On the other end of the spectrum, the W.O.M.'S SPIRIT is immune to the harsh visual environment, so he can see all around him without difficulty. For now, he explains that he's gently moving down the still carriage, and exploring its contents. Nothing new can be seen. Damn.

In boredom, SIR GEORGE perhaps foolishly sticks his head out of his covering, so he can speak with clarity. Because of the worsening storm, beaming yellow smoke isn't too far above the hanger.

SIR GEORGE

(curiously)

Lama Dance Chip?

Irritated, CHAD pokes his head out, too.

CHAD MACALPINE

(confused, yet again)

What?....

SIR GEORGE

Lama Dance chip.

CHAD MACALPINE

Lama Dance Chip?

SIR GEORGE

Yes.

CHAD MACALPINE

Good.

SIR GEORGE

It's an anagram of your name... Do you like dancing?

CHAD MACALPINE

(nervously)

Where are you going with this?

SIR GEORGE

Just answer the question....

CHAD MACALPINE

(more irritated than letting on)

Ok, sure...

SIR GEORGE

... and do you like chips?

CHAD MACALPINE

Who doesn't?

SIR GEORGE

... and do you teach Dharma?

(Dharma is related to lama, if you're confused. I wouldn't worry about it).

CHAD MACALPINE

Not again. If you're trying to suggest that my main priorities in life are dancing, chips and Buddhist teaching, you are WAY off the mark. Why don't you just...

JEFFREY joins the two and sticks his head out into the

air.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(excited)

Do me!

SIR GEORGE

(ignoring Chad)

Er...... Daffy Jeer... Eh, Mr.?

JEFFREY DAHMER

Wow. I guess I am pretty daffy. I also got quite a few jeers at my trial.

CHAD MACALPINE

(now clearly irritated)

Do you know what 'daffy' means??

JEFFREY DAHMER

Silly and mildly eccentric?

CHAD MACALPINE

A daffy cannibal??

SIR GEORGE

You would disagree with us.... Madcap.... Ale Chin.

JEFFREY DAHMER

Oh! You got told, Chad!

CHAD MACALPINE

What?? Shut up! And George, you're way too obsessed with anagrams. I read the copy of 'Captain Mental's Sausage Experiment', you gave me. A pointless anagram in almost every scene? Don't even think of getting it published.

SIR GEORGE

I agree it needs a few revisions, but it was only a first draft... I WILL be an author one day. You’ll see. It’s people like you rocking my confidence that are stopping me.

It can be felt that the train has finally started moving. The sound of steam rushing through the chimney hisses like a snake. Chugging sounds increase in frequency until a fast consistent rhythm is established.

CHAD MACALPINE

Thank God we're finally going!

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

Ok, our duties should be pretty straight forward now; we mainly just wait here. I'll keep an eye out for anything weird or dangerous.

OSCAR is the next one to remove his covering.

OSCAR CANS

(anxiously)

What's coming up, down the rails?

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

According to my memorised map, more of the same, basically; it's pretty dull. It's not Disneyland. Can you imagine what it would be like, if all the spices here erupted into Earth?? They are more or less everywhere!

OSCAR CANS

Exactly, there must be trillions of tons of the stuff. We all need to keep our heads ok, everyone?? Some very serious stuff can quite easily go down.

CHAD MACALPINE

But George doesn't have a head!

MATT is the last one to shake off the shallow shelter above him.

MATT TALBOTT

Right!

SIR GEORGE frowns in MATT'S face, hoping he will get seen. He doesn't.

OSCAR CANS

(uneasily and moving on)

... What do you think will happen, once the demons see that Jeffrey is gone??

JEFFREY DAHMER

(rationally)

We probably have around 24 hours before that happens...

OSCAR CANS

... But what will happen?

JEFFREY DAHMER

As far as I know, demons can't enter Earth or God will sort them out. I wouldn't worry... We have lots of time...

CHAD MACALPINE

(getting scared)

But what will happen??

JEFFREY DAHMER

Well, once they find us...

CHAD MACALPINE

Don't you mean 'if?'

JEFFREY DAHMER

No. Once they find us, we will be sent to the punishment room. The torture chamber is bad, but the punishment room is...

CHAD MACALPINE

(cutting in)

On second thoughts, I don't want to know.... You must have some interesting stories of this place, Jeff...

JEFFREY DAHMER

... Yes. Back when it was my first day here, I got a bit mouthy with Satan. He said to me 'Jeffrey? You think you're evil?' I said to him, 'yes, I do'. He replied 'I'll show you what evil REALLY is. Try some of this food....' It was the most unbearable thing imaginable. My skin turned to flames in seconds. I shouted 'what the hell is your problem, you bellend!'... Then... He took me to the punishment room.

CHAD MACALPINE

(scared)

Er, Jeffrey... Never mind...

JEFFREY DAHMER

(darkly)

... The Jersey Shore was shown to a group of us, on TV screens that were many miles long. They hung all the way up on the ceiling. The roof was just as high as the one, here...

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

Just stop, ok?!

JEFFREY DAHMER

... I was glued to my seat, along with Vlad the Impaler and Adolf Hitler. 'NEEEEIIIN!!!!', he would scream, over and over. As the demons left us to glue other poor souls, my ears started to bleed from the noise. I couldn't take any more. I tried to jump out of the chair with all of my strength, but the process ripped all of the scorched skin from my body. I don't why, but I just ran into the distance, opposite to where my tormentors went, and past the pillars.

I didn't look back. I should probably have just went for the door behind me, but I was too crazed to think clearly. The demons were arrogant; they would never suspect someone could escape the nightmare but it seemed that I was, at the time. Bleeding heavily and my only company, the American accents above me, I reached a large hole in the floor. I thought maybe, if I jumped, I would die and my suffering would be over. Without fear, I dived head-first. I fell for many minutes, still haunted by the voices. They were so loud.

When I hit the floor, all my bones were shattered. There was nothing around me but walls made out of fermented fish and preserved eggs. Then from somewhere I heard the lyrics 'Oh, I'm a gummy bear. Yeah, I'm a gummy bear, yeah. Oh, I'm a yummy, tummy, funny, lucky gummy bear'. That's all I heard for an hour. I hit my head hard against the stinking, soft walls over and over but I couldn't knock myself out. I was stuck there, so my only option was to eat my way to freedom. It took me a whole hour to devour one meter of rotting fish and rancid eggs, and I was in danger of drowning in my own sick. I was stuck there for five years, until I produced enough vomit to fill the whole from which I fell, and swim back to the TV area...

CHAD MACALPINE

(stunned)

God...

JEFFREY DAHMER

No, only joking.

SIR GEORGE

Oh Jeffrey, you daffy cannibal!

CHAD hits his fist against the spices, in anger.

CHAD MACALPINE

(sarcastically)

Yeah, that was SO funny!

SIR GEORGE

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, you know?

CHAD MACALPINE

(still angry)

Well, at least it beats no wit!

SIR GEORGE

(sarcastically)

That was SO clever!

CHAD MACALPINE

Idiot.

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

(trying to be calming)

I think we should all chilli out, I mean chill out and get some rest...

OSCAR CANS

(irritated)

Excellent idea!

Re-buried under the heap of chillies, the GROUP lies quietly and tries to sleep. Against all adversity they manage to do so, over time.

A few hours pass (probably about that long, anyway) and SIR GEORGE awakens and leaps up, with restless energy. Coloured smoke is now just above his head.

SIR GEORGE

Hey, Chad!

CHAD MACALPINE

(tired)

What?

SIR GEORGE

Screw you!

CHAD MACALPINE

What??

In an uncontrolled fury, CHAD rises to his feet. Wobbling about on the carriage and near-blinded, he stumbles his way around. He finds GEORGE and slaps him.

SIR GEORGE

OW!

In return and without thinking, GEORGE pushes CHAD off of the car. SIR GEORGE covers his head in shame in an instant.

SIR GEORGE

(remorsefully)

...... Oh no!

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

We can't have the group split up! We need to jump with him!

With honour, GEORGE, OSCAR, MATT and even a slimey JEFFREY blindly jump off the carriage and into what is found to be a thick, rampaging and fiery stream going in the same direction. The WISE OLD MAN'S SPIRIT floats down, with them. Now the ultra-illuminated train is passing, everyone can at least partially see once again. The GROUP is about to go through a large, lava-lit stone archway above them, that carries the now turning and disappearing train. Once through, and on their left and right, are steep, blood-red mounds supporting yet another set of ultra-sturdy and glowing rusting rods. (God, they’re getting boring). With every second, the now red layer of smoke gets lower and lower.

SIR GEORGE

My God, this river is going fast! Where are we??

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

(confused)

I don't know. I don't think it's on the map... I HAVE memorised it...

SIR GEORGE

I'll have a look at mine, once we've come to a standstill...

OSCAR CANS

The smoke! It's all around, now! I can't tell what's happening like this, I can't even see a thing! We're going to get badly lost, soon!

Because of the speed and general stresses, an atmosphere of chaos is created. There is around a minute of unified screaming and panic.

SIR GEORGE

Flipping hell, I'm falling!!

INT: HELL'S ‘WATER’ FALL - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

One after another, the ADVENTURES fall down what is soon realised to be a waterfall of lava. They tumble at great speed, (as you would - duh) and pass through the coloured smoke. Once they splash land in the brightness, with their vision restored (again), they all grab hold of the same rock-ribbed river bank after numerous attempts, and bring themselves to the crimson, solid land, extending out for about a meter. As the wall of smoke is descending before everyone's eyes (still), there is not a lot of time to take in the one of a kind environment; by the stream banks, are two extensive canyon walls of shadowy orange, jagged stone. CHAD is standing by the walls, shaken.

SIR GEORGE

(embarrassed)

Sorry about that, Chad.

CHAD MACALPINE

I swear to God; if you (expletive) me off once more, I'm punching you in the (expletive) face!

Unconcerned, GEORGE reaches into one of his pockets and pulls out a creased up and yogurt stained map.

SIR GEORGE

Mm-hm. Eric was right, (the WOM, that is) this place isn't on the map...

CHAD MACALPINE

Anyway, look everyone! There's an almost hidden rock door on the canyon wall. It will shelter us from the smoke. Get your torch out!

Perplexed, GEORGE gets his torch ready for use. CHAD slides open the hefty door, to the sound of harsh scrapes. Some fumes manage to enter the cathedral sized room, very dimly lit by the lava river. It seems to be a shade of vermilion and green, but it's hard to make out what it contains. Once everyone is inside, JEFF shuts the door behind him. As they become fully sealed in, they are left in total darkness. GEORGE switches his torch on, to everyone's consolation. He shines his tool around the room, to reveal one large circular part at a time.

CHAD MACALPINE

(happily)

Hooooly moly!

JEFFREY DAHMER

Cool!

Here, is indeed a vermilion/green cave-like area. The ceiling is arch-shaped, rocky and crooked. Countless, ugly and pointed stalactites hang from it, each several meters long and a different shade of yellow. They occasionally drip a purple acid, that hisses what it hits the ground. On almost every inch of uneven walls are racks, holding different kinds of often unorthodox armaments. Near the roof, are guns that seem to be nothing more than gleaming green tubes with small handles and firing mechanisms at the front.

Other weapons look like a series of trigger-less metallic boxes connected to each other, each one getting smaller towards the cuboid barrels. There are also a number of conventional arms to make use of; AK 47s, M16s, Glock handguns, rocket launchers, you name it. On every side of the cellar is a liftable though sturdy steel ladder that reaches the ceiling.

On the craggy floor in front of the GROUP, are a row of strange-looking, one-seater vehicles. They are car-sized and pebble-shaped, with a dip in the centre to sit in. Other than that, they are without any features. Like the train GEORGE'S TEAM fell from, these are also made from solid, moving mist.

A voice is heard in the black, whilst GEORGE examines the guns once more.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(excited)

I want one of the green guns! I bet they're high up for a reason! They must be good!

GEORGE shines his torch on JEFFREY.

SIR GEORGE

So do I. But no shooting!... At least not yet. Who knows what damage they can do...

JEFFREY DAHMER

Right. Imagine firing one and having the ceiling cave in!

Whilst GEORGE lights it up, MATT and OSCAR position the ladder. After giving the torch to MATT, the OAP then starts to climb, alone and trying to ignore the harsh light reflections on the climbing device. Once at the top and dodging his head away from stalactites, GEORGE un-hooks the guns and holds them underneath his left arm. Then he gets ready to throw them down.

SIR GEORGE

Ok! Catch!!

CHAD MACALPINE

NO!!

CHAD is nowhere near close enough to catch the weapon. When the thing unsurprisingly impacts the floor, it shoots a silent green laser to the back of the room, whilst lighting it in entirety. All the inches of reds, etc. that were shown by the flashlight are now cancelled out. There is a second of peace and darkness, then it shoots again. Sheltering his eyes, CHAD nudges it with the tip of his boot and it stops firing. MATT shines the torch on the laser's entry hole. A gap surely miles across has been created. Moving on, MATT then points the light back at GEORGE.

SIR GEORGE

Cool. Ok, next!

CHAD MACALPINE

(about to lose it)

Just walk down with them!

SIR GEORGE

(disappointed)

Ok, ok...

As GEORGE climbs down and CHAD says he's picking up the laser, JEFFREY explains that he's squinting his eyes in an effort to at least see something. He then tries to find his way to any of the bizarre vehicles. He sits in one then it raises a foot off the ground, in silence. Apparently.

JEFFREY DAHMER

Nice! How do you move this thing?

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

I didn't see any kind of controls... Maybe you move it with the power of thought...

Moments later, JEFFREY is heard darting up, down and across the room at breakneck speeds. His mostly invisible driving causes a howling and hot draft to all nearby. He crashes against the walls on a number of occasions, but doesn't sound like he's at all phased or hurt. Eventually, the novelty of the hover car wears off, so he stops it and parks somewhere in the space.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(shouting across the room)

Yep, you were right, Eric, you do just use your thoughts! The great thing is, that means you can drive and shoot at the same time!

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

We most likely won't need to shoot anyone. The guns must only be used when there's no other option. We want everything to go as peacefully and smoothly as possible.

Once GEORGE dismounts the lighted ladder, he hands a further couple of guns to OSCAR and MATT. MATT then hands the torch to the still doubly-weaponised GEORGE. With his free hand, the OLD MAN checks out the guns once more, just for fun.

SIR GEORGE

Hey, Jeffrey? Want your gun??

JEFFREY is heard zooming across the room, towards the artificial light. After footsteps are heard, he picks up his special gadget from under GEORGE'S arm.

JEFFREY DAHMER

Sweet.

SIR GEORGE

(still looking at the weapons)

Ok, our mission shouldn't be too complicated; we each get in the hover cars, and follow the lava river to the red hot train tracks. We then follow these tracks to Mauna Loa, through the smoke. We stop when the tracks end. The door leading to the spice mine should be nearby. In this mine, we plant the Food Eternaliser, before calling Satan a muppet.

CHAD MACALPINE

.... And a fool.

SIR GEORGE

Yes.

CHAD MACALPINE

Piece of cake. I'll open the door.

GEORGE finally acts his age and aims the torch to where it should be; the exit.

SIR GEORGE

Wait.... Angel cake, anyone?

JEFFREY DAHMER

Excellent!

SIR GEORGE

(a little awkward)

.. Wait... Just get me pen'n'paper, first....

LIVE: Alright, want to see some action? I'm sure you will!

INT: TRAVELLING ALONG THE TRAIN TRACKS - FIVE MINUTES LATER

Let's not mention the lava river part of the journey back towards the tracks. What's the point really? So... Visibility through the thick pigmented smoke is just one meter here, ON the tracks. Five sets of glowing red, iron rails are observed by the MEN. Demon vision is better, Jeffrey explained, but not enough so to cause concern. GEORGE, the leader is riding and guiding the hovering CREW at a slow speed to the sound of light wind-resistance. JEFFREY is behind him and the more trustworthy CHAD, OSCAR and MATT are behind the CANNIBAL. (This is to make it that little bit harder for him to go crazy - like really crazy - and off course). The WISE OLD MAN is floating along nearby.

SIR GEORGE

(dauntlessly and whispering loudly)

Ok, when the storm clears up, we're going to be really screwed. Five lightly armed men against millions of demons, and no hiding place? We quite literally won't have a hope in Hell. I’ve been wanting to say that for a while. Let's speed things up and go full throttle.

OSCAR CANS

Good thinking. And don't think about all the demons we'll be passing. The thought alone will drive us crazy...

JEFFREY DAHMER

Yes. Also, I wouldn't worry about all the noise the flying cars make. No demon would ever suspect a prisoner would steal any of their stuff... But only speak very quietly and when it's absolutely necessary... It's not likely a demon would be near the tracks and away from the spice mines, so they probably won't hear our voices. However, it's good to be sure. Even if they could, distant spice mines will just about show through the smoke, so we'll know when they're coming up...

SIR GEORGE

I know. We've been through this...

JEFFREY DAHMER

Obviously. I just want to make sure you record what I say on this adventure. I don't want you to edit me out... Sometimes you don't look like you're paying attention to what's happening around you... Sometimes you also seem creeped out by me.

SIR GEORGE

Whatever. Let's go...

The TRAVELLERS accelerate so fast, their backs are forced against their hover car 'seats' and are locked in place. No sound is heard, other than the wind made by the vehicles. .. .. .. . . .. Again. Smoke rushes into everyone's faces like never ending walls of bricks. JEFFREY chokes with a violent force, but he handles it far better than most mortals would be able to; his desperation to leave the whole nightmare behind him, gives him an inhuman drive - he later pointed out. He's quite arrogant, really.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(shouting and coughing in annoyance)

For God's sake!

SIR GEORGE

(also shouting)

Quiet!

It isn't long before the GROUP catches up to the train they fell/jumped from. Fortunately, the ultra-potent glow from the Satanic food carriage gives enough warning for the TRAVELLERS to slow down in time. Just. I guess everyone got reckless. Minor collisions between each GROUP MEMBER occur when the cars brake, however.

With intensified caution, GEORGE, CHAD, OSCAR and MATT raise their cars up into the air and get ready to pass the train. JEFFREY however, is passing it on its right.

SIR GEORGE

(mumbling and trying not to be heard)

Oh no...

No one is in a position to stop the KILLER'S actions, at least not without being spotted and heard. JEFFREY aims his laser cannon somewhere at the front of the dazzling locomotive. The second the BEAST looks at JEFFREY, the CANNIBAL somehow senses those haunting eyes. Moments later, the DEMON gets shot in the head, execution style. In result of the shot, the train bursts into flames and everything within a 100 meter radius gets lit up laser-green. The only things shown, are the train and a faint, cloudy view of the surrounding mounds and metal pillars, however. Soon enough, the yellow glow returns, with a new orange fireball.

JEFFREY DAHMER

Prick!

SIR GEORGE

(shouting)

For God's sake, Jeffrey!

CHAD MACALPINE

(shouting and confused)

Wait... But you said 'thou shalt not kill'...

JEFFREY DAHMER

(shouting)

You can't kill demons. I've just turned him into living goo!

SIR GEORGE

That's worse! Do you want to get us all killed??

JEFFREY DAHMER

No, I'm a friend indeed!

SIR GEORGE

Friends only do what they are told, ok?!

JEFFREY DAHMER

I'm not sure that's true! You’re thinking of puppies!

SIR GEORGE

I don't want to get into a whole philosophical debate, don't mess things up!! And get right behind me!

Using his ears to navigate, he explains, JEFFREY rises and obeys his instructions. Good man. Wait, ‘good for him’ sounds better.

CHAD MACALPINE

Just get the hell out of here!!

Everyone lowers themselves to their previous level and goes full speed, above the tracks in fear. Once again, the relentless barrage of smog and its almighty impact, threatens to knock everyone from their vehicles. Worth mentioning twice, to show how annoying it is.

Once at a perceived safe distance from the wreckage behind them, GEORGE slows down with a gradual progression, so the PEOPLE behind him don't crash into him. ERIC screams that his fearful spirit is scanning everything around him more thoroughly than at the start of his quest. Much more. He dreads that he will see a DEMON emerging from nowhere. He would really appreciate it, if everyone just shutted up.

A few uneventful minutes pass, but everyone is still on their toes.

SIR GEORGE

Hey, everyone! The passenger train carrying the demons who whipped Jeffrey, should be coming up... Remember, that train will be invisible to us, as it isn't carrying any of those chilies... I think we're going a suitable speed to avoid an impact, but I'm not sure...

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

You're right, the train should be coming up. The demons said they would be hanging people, didn't they? The hanging area of this room is still far ahead, so we shouldn't have passed the train, yet. I think the speed we're going at now, is fine.

SIR GEORGE

I think our main concern, is controlling Jeffrey...

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

(firmly)

Yes. Jeff, if you want to get out of this place...

Without feeling or thought, JEFFREY moves to his left. He then shoots his laser, straight across the set of rails the passenger train is believed to be travelling on.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(casually)

There you go, problem solved.

CHAD MACALPINE

Jesus Christ! He's just destroyed a train carrying a hundred demons!

SIR GEORGE

(in extreme frustration)

No, Jeffrey! Give me your gun!

CHAD MACALPINE

Shoot him, George! He's going to get us stuck here!

Desperate, GEORGE turns around in his car, whilst still going forward. All he can make out is a fuzzy green glare. He fires at it.

JEFFREY DAHMER

AAARGGH!!! You just shot my arm off! You better be thankful I’ve been conditioned to be so tough!

Amazingly JEFFREY continues pretty much like before. I guess Hell HAS hardened him. Huh...

SIR GEORGE

Good.

JEFFREY DAHMER

I'm not bleeding, I ran out of the stuff ages ago, but still! It really hurts!!

SIR GEORGE

(with dedication to the mission)

... Good... Alright, everyone look out for a massive fireball. When you see it, raise your cars high and pass it without making a sound!

Not long passes before a colossal blaze is detected in the mostly blackness. Sinister, monstrous voices are heard getting louder as the GROUP approach the DEMONS.

UNKNOWN DEMON

(with deep grunts)

The driver is a (expletive :S) imbecile! Who in the world manages to crash a slow moving train, going along perfectly straight tracks?!

DEMON DRIVER

I didn't do anything!!

UNKNOWN DEMON

Oh, come on! Trains don't crash themselves! Do you realise how many of us you've crippled?! Now we have to travel all the way to the devil and beg for new limbs!

DEMON DRIVER

We must have been shot by a laser, or something. I swear I saw a green light!

UNKNOWN DEMON

I didn't see (expletive :S :S), and neither did anyone else!

GEORGE'S GROUP pass with military precision. Once all the destruction business is behind them, they travel with caution for a good few, unspoken minutes as JEFFREY finds yet more strength and stamina not to choke. Good man. No, good for.. well you know what I mean. Finally, the overall mood relaxes.

JEFFREY DAHMER

Lolz.

SIR GEORGE

(relieved)

Ok, everybody... Full speed...

INT: THE END OF THE TRACKS - TWO HOURS LATER

GEORGE'S GROUP have just reached the end of the tracks and halted. Visibility is still very poor and the smoke is reddened for a few feet. Like before. Like before, everyone is seated in their floating vehicles but with somewhat more security than earlier. An optimistic, one-armed JEFFREY takes the initiative and starts the conversation.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(whispering)

Hello future readers....

SIR GEORGE

(a little annoyed and whispering)

Oh, here we go...

JEFFREY DAHMER

... The room leading to the magma chamber is right in front of us. This is where the spices get taken and mixed, to make them ultra-brutal and ready for liftoff. Fortunately the whole evil eruption scheme is new, and such a spicy one has never happened before. Previously, the spices were used just to torture people. Also, if we come near to any demons, we will know as their breathing is very heavy in these parts. I guess they get excited. But for all I know, they could be as close as half a mile away...

SIR GEORGE

(also whispering)

Ok.. So... This is it.. This is the last part of the mission...

JEFFREY DAHMER

Yes. Re-yogurt me before we enter, please.

SIR GEORGE

Of course.

As GEORGE un-zips his chest pocket to pull out the Food Eternaliser and food, CHAD, OSCAR and MATT talk of how they leave their cars and search for the door in the darkness, using their lime-coloured weapons as (very) low-range torches. After a minute or so of fumbling around, MATT finds something significant. He moves his forehead close to it, to get a better view.

MATT TALBOTT

(reading aloud)

Volcano room...

MATT checks his back in justified paranoia. Not that it helps.

MATT TALBOTT

(quietly)

Hey, I've found it...

The panting and stamping of several DEMONS ahead and through the door, gets closer and closer.

ANOTHER UNKNOWN DEMON

That was some excellent torture, my friend!

... AND ANOTHER ONE

Thanks. But I shouldn't be too proud... Torturing people here is a lot easier than on Earth, as people here will never die... I can’t get over how great that is! Weird, too.

ANOTHER UNKNOWN DEMON

Stop it. You're too modest...

SIR GEORGE

Oh, God! The demons are getting closer!

JEFFREY DAHMER

What? I don’t hear anything..

SIR GEORGE

I’m sorry, I must be going mad from the stress. I think I’m getting it together.

MATT TALBOTT

Dear God.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(with very quiet whispers)

Open the door, then get in your cars. Drive though, and shut the door behind you...

INT: INSIDE MAUNA LOA - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

Being the last one to enter the refreshingly visible room, JEFFREY closes the door and gets back in his transport with the others. GEORGE is in front. In fact everyone is in the same order as before. How about that? Underneath everyone is an indefinitely long carpet of nothing but shattered skulls. It is impossible to say how deep they go. A blazing smoke roof is 30 meters high. JEFFREY points out that it’s there simply for aesthetic reasons and above that is spiced lava that extends to the volcano exit. To EVERYONE'S left and right, are two walls made of the strange ghost-like material, seen earlier. They go for as long as the floor. The lava packed behind them is eye-piercing.

JEFFREY DAHMER

(narrating to himself, aloud)

Dear readers: There shouldn't be any demons around here, for a while. They'll be too busy sorting out the derailed train and casualties. The transport system is very important in Hell. It is the backbone of almost everyone's professions.

Just about coming into view are a whole army of DEMONS. They must be a couple of miles away. The MONSTER'S stamping feet begin to make the ground shake. The sound of bones cracking is becoming more and more audible.

CHAD MACALPINE

Arrgh!

CHAD impulsively holds down the trigger of his laser cannon as everything is turned a blinding green. He mows the FOES down without effort. By strange luck, it's a direct hit. By even better luck he didn’t shoot his FRIENDS. I know this isn’t the most tension-filled story, but what do you want? Lies? Thank God the awful bone splitting sounds have stopped.

CHAD MACALPINE

(relieved)

Ah... I hate to say this Jeff, but you look quite the fool... No demons, my bum.

JEFFREY looks at CHAD and licks his lips.

CHAD MACALPINE

Get lost.

Everyone drives forward at a moderate speed.

OSCAR CANS

(reasonably confident)

What's the communication system like in Hell, Jeff?

SIR GEORGE

You know! Why are you needlessly talking, Oscar? You are getting credited in my upcoming book, you know?

OSCAR is simply too much of a narcissist to go unnoticed. Whilst roaming along, he shrugs his shoulders as if to say 'I don't care. Just listen to me'.

SIR GEORGE

Anyway, how do you know when to give all this information? How do you know what doesn't get written down by me, in the first place?

OSCAR CANS

It's obvious. When you don't really care about something, you just look really bored and vacant. We saw you space out during the walk in the Hell's entrance pathway and between the cave and railway tracks, for example. We all know when you want to memorise something, because you rub your hands together in excitement and mumble 'this is a great anecdote!' Like what you're doing, now. Even when we can't see you, you obviously sometimes pant in excitement.

JEFFREY DAHMER

Make sure George doesn't get distracted, Oscar. If you write what we say down, George, we'll return the favour somehow... Anyway, the communication isn't good, Oscar. Mobile phone reception is terrible...

A bass-heavy and evil laugh is heard, coming from somewhere inside the lava. It makes the walls, floor and cars tremble. However, the event doesn't really cause much concern.

OSCAR CANS

How about standard phones?

JEFFREY DAHMER

If Satan wants anything, he just shouts. His voice can be heard thousands of miles away. I think we just heard him... It is harder to contact Satan himself, especially as he is often alone and testing the quality of lava in his base. It is too dangerous to have phones, etcetera. What if a prisoner gets hold of one, and contacts Earth? This is the way it has been for thousands of years, and no one has ever escaped. Without people like you, it would be impossible.

OSCAR CANS

Does Satan have any knowledge of what goes on, on Earth?

JEFFREY DAHMER

No, because no group of demons has ever made it to Earth without getting zapped, immediately. The super-eruption Satan is planning will turn everyone evil, however. In mere hours, 7 billion newly converted Earth monsters will rise up and attack the Heavens at once, and there will be no population at risk, here in Hell.... Oh God, look!

Another group of DEMONS emerge from the distance and run towards GEORGE AND CO. They don't look happy. Well they’re probably not happy. They’re a bit blurry, actually now that I think of it. More terrifying snaps and thuds are heard, but this time louder because of the BEAST'S extra use of force. However, under the pandemonium, their dominating, low-pitched voices can still be heard if straining one's ears.

ANGRY DEMON

(panting)

Shall we warn our leader?

ANOTHER ANGRY DEMON

(also panting)

No! He's too busy working on his ultra-plan! We'll deal with the scum ourselves!

CHAD MACALPINE

GOD!

CHAD’s gun aimed carefully and fired. Everything lighted up and job done. Easy. On with the journey. Sorry, but that’s just what happened.

SIR GEORGE

(curiously)

So, how do the spices get put into the lava?

JEFFREY DAHMER

There is a large gap in the floor of skulls, about a mile ahead. They get put in there. You should know that, shouldn't you? It's where you put the yogurt....

SIR GEORGE

(nervously)

Yes, of course. I did know that, honestly. The stress of the situation is just getting to me. The stress of you as well, to be frank.

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

Then we swim in there and wait for a yogurt-neutralised eruption to take us to Earth, don't we, George?

SIR GEORGE

(trying to hide his nerves)

Yep... Doesn't sound dangerous at all.

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

.... And as we pass Satan we call him a muppet and a fool...

SIR GEORGE

(more confidently)

Yes. I've learnt the sign language for those words, just in case he won't be able to hear us...

At a continued relaxed cruising pace, GEORGE demonstrates his signing skills to each GROUP MEMBER, one at a time. No one cares.

JEFFREY DAHMER

It's going to be a very long journey down to the bottom, round the sides and to the top over the low, smokey roof that you see... Do you realise how many miles down we are? Guess. It's quite a few...

SIR GEORGE

This, I don't know. My map just says 'you fall down a very deep hole', to get to this place. Magma chambers aren't too far down are they?

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

That's what the government wants you to think...

SIR GEORGE

Why??

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

To keep people happy. Do you know how much panic it would cause, if people knew how much lava is ready to erupt, here? A single eruption would send enough volcanic ash into the atmosphere, to cause a Winter long enough to end all life on Earth! Only a converted demon or standard angel could survive in the darkness!

SIR GEORGE

Surely the government is trying to do something about it... I worked for the government... Why wasn't I told?

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

You weren't told, because everyone you worked with thought you were an idiot. You weren't really in charge, they just told you you were. Anyway, the government is working on special yogurt, as we speak...

SIR GEORGE

How do you know?

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

I worked for them too, didn't I. But the difference is that they respected me.

SIR GEORGE

..... I see. Let's just get to the hole...

The GROUP drives the now very short expedition to the opening. Presumably because of the laser shots, an imposing wall lava is seen far in the background, and is heading towards them with a furious rumble and quickness.

SIR GEORGE

I wouldn't worry about the leaking lava; we're well protected.

The towering mass of lava is now producing a monster-like roar, and is only seconds away.

SIR GEORGE

(in anticipation)

I'll just get my Food Eternaliser out..

GEORGE does so and holds it.

GEORGE

Then I'll swim-drive to the bottom, and hide it somewhere. This place is history!

JEFFREY DAHMER

It must be a really strong piece of kit to operate in such conditions!

SIR GEORGE

Oh, yes! You thought that weird smokey stuff was strong? This is tougher! You probably couldn't even break it with one of these green guns! Look!

CHAD, OSCAR AND MATT

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The three take a breath...

CHAD, OSCAR AND MATT

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SIR GEORGE

....... No, only joking.... I think Jeffrey should lead the way; we won't need to look at the map if he points where to go...

JEFFREY does so.

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

Good thinking.

With some of their most intense and shaky emotions yet, the ADVENTURERS plunge their cars down into the wicked magma, just in time. With his bloodshot, bulging eyes on the brink of giving in altogether and possibly even of exploding, JEFFREY points downwards. Like a rather dishonourable commando, he then leads everyone towards a bed of skulls, and away from the thick layer of bones, now above everyone. It is seen that on the left and right of the top boney layer is nothing but lava. It’s pretty cool. Unless you really want to see more of long dead of course, which many metalheads would. You may know GEORGE likes his black metal. ImI Due to unalterable physics, the progress is slow and sluggish. Whilst still seated, GEORGE puts a small drop of yogurt on his Godly contraption and places both underneath a sad-looking cranium. To be safe, he then hides that skull under a group of several others. JEFFREY then guides everyone upwards towards the bones. However, his yogurt coating is in danger of losing its effectiveness - it starts to drip off him and he blisters. Before he reaches the boney layer, he stops and screams.

All of a sudden, SATAN appears from nothing, a dozen or so meters ahead, swimming in the lava and tasting its quality by licking it. He seems impressed; for now at least. Interestingly, the BEAST doesn't look quite as one might expect. He is about 2 foot long with a fish-shaped body and four legs. Two are just behind his disapproving face and two are in front of his boney tail. As perhaps expected, he is coloured an angry blood-red. And striped pink and yellow. Luckily, the Food Eternaliser is really proving its worth, now. Yogurt can be seen as the GROUP MEMBERS look down. It's converting lava fast. Oranges and whites mix.

Excited, GEORGE points at Satan repeatedly and mouths 'you are a muppet'. After doing so three times, he does the sign language version, a further three times.

SATAN is furious and starts to ramble, in a booming Scottish accent. The volume of his shouting causes frightening super-tremors to everything in sight.

SATAN

I’LL GIE YE A SKELPIT LUG!!! AAAAARRGGHHH!!!!! YA (expletive)!!!!!!!!

As SIR GEORGE shrugs his shoulders in confusion, SATAN swims around in a circle at an increasing speed. With every magical spin, the lava and holy food spins round and round too. However, unknown to the DEVIL the yogurt is spreading faster and faster. Totally flipping out, SATAN shouts more gibberish. The GROUP aren't ready to leave yet, though; GEORGE hasn't called BEELZEBUB a 'fool'. In despair, he wills his vehicle towards him, with all his energy, but the currents are too strong.

SATAN

YA BUNCH A' DOBBERS!!!!!!

SATAN’S spinning reaches a critical level. The GROUP travel with the accelerating, hot goo below and on the left of the upper bone floor, then on the right, then back to the left. Then everything turns to an extensive milky-orange-y blur as they are shot towards the volcano opening. Then everything turns pure white. Before they know it, they're rocketed into a tranquil, pale blue sky with clouds above them. Ahhhh. :) Their Satanic vehicles deteriorate into the air and become nothing.

EXT: MAUNA LOA

Bubbling fermented milk and a couple of teaspoons of magma, spreads over the volcano's outer layer. What is a long and gentle slope covered in rich green vegetation, will be turned to white in a matter of minutes. The fertile and lonely flats encircling the volcano won't be the same much longer, either. GEORGE and the others selected by GOD soon drop from what would normally be a bone-breaking height, a few meters from the exit. No surprise, everyone has just had a massive weight lifted off their shoulders. SATAN also drops from the sky and lands next to the GROUP. The FISH then flaps around helplessly.

SIR GEORGE

(intrigued)

Hello, Satan...

SATAN

(weakly)

Don't call me Satan... That's what ignorant fools call me. You've ticket me off, whoever you are... No one ticks of T.......

At this point, the fish dissolves back into the volcano from which he came.

SIR GEORGE

(confused)

.... What did he mean? Is he called Thomas, or what?

W.O.M.'S SPIRIT

I don't think it matters. But George, you forgot to call him a fool!... Oh dingo's kidneys! Where's Jeffrey?!

SIR GEORGE stands up and climbs up to the volcano's crater. He then shouts down the harmless, creamy hole.

SIR GEORGE

FOOL!!!!......

Moments later, SIR GEORGE processes ERIC'S news about the KILLER.

SIR GEORGE

JEFFREY!

Ok! Here’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen anecdote: When I was about 6 or 7, my friend’s brother blew a bubble out of his own spit, which was funny enough. Then it flew off and hit my friend right in the face!! I swear to God! Absolutely hilarious! Byeeee!