Blog 600!! (Blog 600!!!!!!!)

Simon: Hello! With me on today’s mega blog is the whole of Charlie’s excellent egg family!

Charlie: Thank you for having me.

Wendy: Me too.

Henry: Likewise…

Simon: We have depressed egg bully, Mike…

Mike: Hello.

Simon: We have the notorious fish warlord, Le Poisson Militaire who I believe has now conquered 95% of Earth…

LPM: Hi.

Simon: We have someone who may or may not have been inspired by a numberplate, going by the name of the Kamikaze Popo…

KP: Hi.

Simon: And judging by his name alone, he has FAAAR exceeded his life expectancy…

KP: Yes, kamikazing is very dangerous…

Simon: We have a film maker who specialises in making films with eggs in it…

Film Maker: Hi.

Charlie: And thanks for giving me my break…

FM: No problem.

Simon: Do you have any other films in mind for Charlie?

FM: How does he like the thought of flying a spaceship?

CB: Pretty good!

FM: The role is yours. I’ll discuss the film in more detail later on.

Simon: Great! We have James Ziegler and his still miffed girlfriend Janine…

James: Hello!

Janine: Oh is James here? I thought he was someone else!

James: Not here, Janine.

Simon: And we have the perpetually outraged Ben and Dan.

…

Simon: Who understandably, aren’t saying ‘Hello’.

James: Bellends.

Simon: And lastly we have Mental Matt, one of the only people who is willing to work with James. And me. Right! There are a few things I want to talk about. Firstly, taking over so much of this planet is a huge deal. How do you do it? How do you stay under the radar?

LPM: Wow. That has to be one of the biggest challenges of world domination…

Simon: Well?

LPM: What I do after conquering a nation is swim away like nothing has even happened. It tricks other people into thinking the situation is completely normal.

Simon: Ahhh… And no one has ever challenged you?

LPM: Again, I’ve been tricking them. Sounds unbelievable, I know. I’m quite the fish.

Simon: Ok.

LPM: What’s that smell?

Simon: Ah yes, I forgot to introduce the Pig Cadaver as he’s so quiet. He was ALLEGEDLY based on a numberplate, too.

LMP: I wondered why you had a dead pig here…

Simon: Yes, he’s not much of a talker.

LMP: He’s making even me feel uncomfortable.

Simon: See, pig? Even a hardened military warlord finds you creepy. You really need to work on that.

Pig Cadaver: ….

Simon: Oh never mind. So Mike, still think you’re a bully whilst you’re in the presence of the world’s most cunning dictator and someone who is capable of leaving a dead pig in a small room?

Mike: I guess… I guess not…

Simon: See? Progress already. You have a bright future ahead of you. However, that is a rather common phrase. It was even said for James!

James: I do have a bright future.

Simon: But things aren’t going well NOW, are they?

James: Sure.

Simon: Ok. And the Baldwin family, are you well?

CB: I’m very much looking forward to my new role!

Simon: Of course you are. Wendy, still feel all mushy when around Charlie?

WB: I guess…

Simon: And Charlie, do you feel mushy, too?

CB: Eh?

Simon: Oh never mind. What about you, Poisson? Got your eyes on another fish?

LPM: You’re a weirdo.

Simon: You know what? I’m sick of me asking questions all the time. Would anyone like to interview me?

LPM: I have a question…

Simon: Go on.

LPM: What’s your biggest disappointment in life?

Simon: I was watching a marathon recently, and if the runner finished 4 seconds quicker, her time would have been 2:22:22…

LMP: Ouch.

Simon: The pain is still there.

CB: I have a question!

Simon: Yes, Charlie?

CB: What’s your biggest regret in life?

Simon: Not talking a picture of my bruise in the shape of the Monster Energy Drink logo.

CB: Why didn’t you?

Simon: Couldn’t be bothered. I’d have to use my phone.

Wendy: What’s your biggest achievement?

Simon: I don’t think I’ve ever forgotten to take my vitamin D supplements, and I’ve never run over a pigeon or a squirrel.

Wendy: That’s three achievements…

Simon: I’m very boastful.

Mike: If you had one wish, what would it be?

Simon: That War to End all Wars by Yngwie Malmsteen had a better production. The songs are pretty good!

KP: What film sums your life up the most?

Simon: Forrest Gump isn’t a million miles away. The main difference is I’ve never been to war and other people don’t like me. That’s enough about me for now, I think. How about you, James? What film sums up your life?

James: Meet the Parents.

Simon: And why is that?

James: I don’t mean to start an argument with you Janine, but your family are mental.

Janine: James!

James: I mean I see a mysterious man in sunglasses, driving a sinister looking car following me around every day. I know it’s your dad.

Janine: I… I don’t know what you mean…

James: Oh come on.

(A phone rings).

Simon: Hello?

Caller: I’m watching you.

James: How do you explain that, then Janine?

Caller: He could be anyone.

James: It’s Janine’s father.

Janine: Oh.

Caller: Bye.

James: He’s a weirdo.

Simon: Have you got anything to say Ben and Dan, or are you just going to stare at James like you’re going to kill him?

Ben: When the time is right.

James: What’s that supposed to mean?? You can’t say that!

Dan: Then I won’t say anything.

Simon: The thing is, I’ve paid for you both to be here, so you can at least try to be entertaining.

Dan: You’re dead James.

(Feet tapping is heard).

Simon: I should point out that Dan said the threat whilst doing a funny dance. It WAS entertaining, it’s just no one outside of this studio could see…

Dan: I can sing some Slipknot songs…

Simon: No. Copyright, reasons.

Dan: Ah. It’s just that the lyrics would be perfect.

Simon: Sorry, no.

Dan: Fine.

Ben: You could always shout swear words at James in the style of Slipknot, Dan.

Dan: Can I, Simon?

Simon: I’d leave it if I were you.

Dan: Awww. Why?

Simon: This blog is supposed to be a celebration…

Dan: Then why have you invited the evil fish?

Simon: Actually, I didn’t invite him, he conquered his way into this building…

LPM: Pown.

Simon: You may call it powning, I call it… well I don’t know what to call it. It’s well beyond megalomania…

CB: How about megalomegalomania?

Simon: Right, there you go!

LPM: Good.

Simon: Oh, I don’t have to put up with you. Right, I think what we’re all dying to know is, what is the space-egg film going to be like??

Film maker: Right, Charlie flies his spaceship whilst other eggs try to shoot him down, because they’re bullies.

Mike: Can I be a part of it, too? It’s just that I was offered a role in an egg film a while ago, but it never happened… I mean… Surely I’d be perfect for the role!

FM: Ohhhh, I don’t know. The thing is there are lots of eggs bullies around. I see eggs without parents every day, there are lots of troubled souls like yours, Mike…

Mike: I’ve been working on my acting skills. Look at this…

FM: You’ve put sunglasses on…

Mike: It’s me looking badass.

FM: I’ll think about it.

Simon: What else happens in the film?

FM: In the end the superhero defeats all the bullies and goes on to find out who is parents are once and for all. Then he finds out he WAS invented by a random word generator all this time and he becomes a bully himself.

CB: Errr…. I don’t know…

FM: It’s too dark for you?

CB: A bit too close to home…

FM: Ok. I’ll discuss the role with you later.

Simon: I say take it. People say Terminator 2 is too close to home with all the robots and A.I. that’s around now, but it’s not really close to home is it? There is no war with man and machines, the biggest war right here is between James and Dan.

James: I have a gun.

Simon: I know. Now to spice things up, let’s shame A.I.!

CB: What’s that mean?

Simon: Look how so called ‘artificial intelligence’ explains these jokes! It sucks! Here’s an excellent joke I wrote: ‘Why did the tattoo artist called ‘Reece’ get bigger? He was an ink Reece.’ Here’s how A.I. explains it: ‘That’s a classic! It’s all about the wordplay on Anubis and Enoch.’

James: What’s that mean?

Simon: I don’t know!

James: Is Reece an Egyptian name like Anubis and Enoch?

Simon: I don’t think so. Cleopatra and her husband Reece???

James: What other jokes have you got?

Simon: Good question. ‘What fruit is Johnny Rotten? A punk king.’

James: How does A.I. explain the joke?

Simon: It says ‘Johnny Rotten is not a fruit; he is the famous stage name of John Lydon.’

James: A.I. getting defensive, there…

Simon: That’s what I was thinking, too. Maybe the intelligence is a punk fan…

James: Anymore?

Simon: Yes, dozens. How about ‘What emotion did the ball feel? Sphere’. To that, A.I. said ‘In ‘The Ball Poem’ by John Berryman, the ball does not technically feel emotions, but it is personified to represent a ‘cheerful’ nature as it bounces away.’

James: Have you read that poem?

Simon: No, why would I read a poem about a ball?

James: You’re more of a nature person?

Simon: Yep. Trees are fine, rivers are good too, but balls? Why not write a poem about hexagons, instead?

James: I think hexagons are more interesting than balls…

Simon: Me too. Although spheres DO have more uses. True wheels are usually cylinder shapes, but you can make wheels with spheres if you really wanted to. But even at his most skilled, I don’t think Shakespeare could ever truly write an effective poem about a sphere.

James: And one more joke?

Simon: ‘What’s the shape of a parrot’s tiny weight? The Polly gram.’

James: And what did A.I. say to that?

Simon: ‘That’s a clever pun! The answer is indeed a parallelogram.’

James: A.I. made up an answer for itself?

Simon: Yes and it was wrong. So… How are robots going to take over the world with such a limited understanding of my jokes?

James: Phew. We’re all safe!

Mental Matt: That’s precisely the clarity of thought I’m looking for, James! I’ll gladly continue sponsoring without giving you any more money!

James: Thanks!

Simon: To spice things up even more, how would everyone like some interesting observations??

CB: Sure!

Simon: So, anyone seen clips of the upcoming Ali G film?

WB: No, are they good?

Simon: Well, one clip shows Ali G mentioning his home town. Many years ago now, he famously said he lived in Staines, making the town a joke. People were so bothered Staines was renamed as ‘Staines Upon Thames’ to distance themselves from the character, but in the new clip he says he lives in Staines Upon Thames, meaning the town name has to be changed again.

HB: What to??

Simon: Hm. Staineston on Thames?

HB: And what if Ali G later calls his home Staineston on Thames?

Simon: Oh God, I don’t know. It will be changed to Stainesbury on Thames? I’m guessing at that point, the mayor of the town would have a face to face meeting with Sacha Baron Cohen to sort things out.

Mike: Do you mind if I ask a personal question?

Simon: Go ahead…

Mike: What were you like as a school?

Simon: Well, I was a massively failing student meaning that technically speaking, I was an underpass.

Mike: You were an underground road?

Simon: Technically, yeah!

Mike: I noticed you’re not a road anymore…

Simon: I sorted my life out.

Mike: And can you give an example of someone who didn’t sort his life out?

Simon: I once know someone who had two catchphrases, those being ‘stab, stab’ and ‘Rampage.’ I never heard from him again.

Mike: Wow, how did you know him?

Simon: He was in a mental home…

Mike: Oh God.

Simon: Ikr?

Mike: What was he like?

Simon: Most of the things he said were completely normal, I just remember at lunch time he kept saying those words over and over again. I was thinking maybe he was triggered by the quality of the food, but I thought it was fairly decent.

Mike: Have you got anything narcissistic to say?

Simon: Kind of. I like smelling myself after a bath, but it’s not TRULY narcissistic as I’m smelling body wash not my skin.

Mike: And how about non-narcissistic?

Simon: I Googled why INFJs are so rare and A.I. says because society doesn’t really need many of them. Not so smug now, are they? However, that also applies to INFPs, just to a slightly lesser extent. Also, I remember how confidently I said how easy voice leading was in the presence of a university teacher making me appear impressive, but that’s only because I didn’t know what voice leading was. I THOUGHT I did, but no. Not that it matters, the teachers soon found that out when I showed them my music. To this day I can’t do proper voice leading and I have a masters.

Mike: You’ve talked about Staines changing its name, do you think any phrases should be changed?

Simon: Yes, I recently talked about how viruses apparently taste of salt, so I was thinking the culinary phrase ‘with a pinch of salt’ should be changed to ‘with a pinch of Covid 19’. Just to modernise things.

LPM: You’ve been dominating this show a little too much, Simon and it’s making me feel uncomfortable…

Simon: So you’re going to invade me as well?

LPM: Yeah.

Simon: How? Because all you’re doing right now is swimming around in circles in a bowl. Really I should keep you there for the sake of national security.

LPM: But it’s boring…

Simon: I don’t care! Anyway, I still want more effort from Ben and Dan, they’re just sitting looking mad.

Dan: You want more effort? Screw James!

James: No screw you!

Simon: And how about more from Ben?

Ben: Screw James.

Simon: And how about more from the Kamikaze Popo? Forget the pig cadaver, he doesn’t care at all.

KP: Yes, don’t break the law. I think I need to have a word with you James…

James: Oh God, what have I done this time?

KP: What was that about you having a gun?

James: It’s ok, it’s currently in a lake…

KP: You seem to have a distorted view of the justice system…

James: How so?

KP: All guns are illegal, no matter where you keep them… What would happen if the fish got hold of it?

LPM: Oh you can trust me.

WB: Simon, don’t give the fish the mini gun.

Simon: Noted.

LPM: Please. I have 5% more of Earth to capture. I’ll show you someone going on the rampage…

Simon: What part is left, out of curiosity?

LPM: Italy.

Simon: Ooh, land of pizza!

LPM: Yes, very exiting. I was thinking we could end the show here, just in case I accidentally give away any more of my plans. It’s just you’re so weird, Simon, I feel like I can say anything at all and it would seem so normal when compared to you…

Simon: Good idea! So… it’s bye from me and it’s bye from…

(Everyone together, apart from the Pig Cadaver): ME!!!!!!!