Here we Go! (Blog 599!)
Simon: Right! If all goes to plan, I’ll be cracking on with blog 600 tomorrow! In the meantime, are you all getting pumped???
The Dominant Egg: I sure am!
Simon: And how about you, Pig Cadaver, are you getting pumped?
Pig Cadaver: …
Simon: Are you getting pumped, pig cadaver?
PC: …
Simon: I said are you getting pumped, pig cadaver?
PC: …
Simon: Oh forget it.
DE: I think he’s still depressed he’s inspired by a numberplate…
Simon: Of course.
DE: Either that, or he’s dead…
Simon: No, if I really was talking to a dead animal, someone would let me know.
DE: …
Simon: Wouldn’t they, Charlie?
DE: Sure.
Simon: Hypothetically speaking, what do you think is worse, being based on a numberplate or being generated by a random word generator?
DE: Well, having been ACCUSED of being generated by a random word generator myself, I’d have to say that is the worst pain known to man.
Simon: Or egg…
DE: Exactly.
Simon: Dominant Egg. Do you have fond memories of your parents?
DE: Never met them…
Simon: Ok. Well, I’m sure you’ll track them down, one day.
DE: I will.
Simon: Track them down by searching Google. Searching Google for some kind of word generating, I mean chicken finding webpage.
DE: Right. The latter.
Simon: Anyway, as this is technically a blog, I thought it would be a good time to talk about my morning! For some unknown reason, there was a massive queue on the road as I planned to get my daily food and to get my train ticket for the LCW meeting in advance. Not to worry, I could go the other direction. Swish. Oh no. I soon found that had a huge queue, too. I thought I was being clever.
PC: …
Simon: That’s not funny, pig cadaver!
DE: He didn’t say anything…
Simon: Oh. I guess I was being paranoid. It’s just he’s really weirding me out right now.
DE: Me too.
Simon: Anyway, I ended getting my food about 20 minutes later than usual, but on the plus side… the shop had hash browns! I’m getting pretty sick of chicken samosas, I’ll tell you that much.
DE: Swings and roundabouts.
Simon: Yes! Swings and roundabouts! Now I know what that phrase means, I use it all the time, too! It’s like being confused for a very long time, when you finally get clarity it’s a huge reward, which coincidentally is also swings and roundabouts!
DE: lol.
Simon: Yes, very funny. Anyway, as I’d have to queue up even MORE to get the ticket, I didn’t bother getting it early, so I’ll have to get one when I leave for the city later on.
DE: What happens if you forget to buy a ticket?
Simon: I could get a £100 fine or even go to court! You’d think I’d have a good defence if I forgot, as I know for a FACT you can’t get into London Waterloo without a ticket, so why would I not get one? Maybe people would think my plan was to jump over the gates whilst no one was looking… I guess I have that look.
DE: Worth a try?
Simon: The thing is, there are many members of staff monitoring the gates, so I’d have to be extremely cunning. I could shout ‘Look over there!!’ and try to merge in with the crowds as I jump, but they’d be CCTV. Having said that, if I were to risk things it would be a huge adventure…
DE: I like adventure, too.
Simon: Oh I know. Anyway, for now I’ve written a note on top of my wallet saying ‘ticket’ in huge writing, but there’s still a chance I could forget the ticket once I walk to and then reach the station. Because why would I look at my wallet, then?
DE: There are many people out there who would dismiss your so called ‘story’ about not getting a ticket and say it wasn’t really worth writing about…
Simon: What should I talk about instead, then?
DE: The fact you have a dead pig in this studio and you’re treating it as a guest?
Simon: Oh for the last time, he’s just chilling out! Aren’t you? Whatever your name is?
DE: It’s Sebastien Albani.
Simon: Aren’t you, Sebastien?
PC: …
Simon: Never mind. I was thinking maybe we could spray the pig with some Lynx, or something?
DE: Oh God yes! Exactly!
(Spraying sounds are heard).
Simon: That’s a weird smell…
DE: I think you should just open a window…
Simon: Good idea.
(A window is heard opening).
DE: So… Been listening to any good music, recently?
Simon: Yes, Tiago Della Vega!
DE: The guitarist?
Simon: Yes. I’m glad you asked as there’s a character in Street Fighter 2 called ‘Vega’. I don’t listen to him as it wouldn’t make sense. I mean I could listen to him punching and slashing other people but… well, it’s not normal is it? Back to the home I go. That time I’ll be sectioned, though.
DE: Is the guitarist good?
Simon: Yep. Whilst he is more known for playing Flight of the Bumblebee at 680 bpm and at four notes a beat(!!!!), his solo album is surprisingly melodic! Judging by his world record, you’d think his music would be TOO fast if anything. By far the fastest track on the album is his version of FotB which is at 320 bpm. That means you’re hearing the slow version.
DE: What’s his album called?
Simon: ‘Hybrid’.
DE: Not ‘Hybrid Theory’ like Linkin Park?
Simon: Nope, things aren’t a mere theory with Della Vega. Meaning he’s the more confident musician.
DE: Well, he certainly plays faster…
Simon: Yeah, imagine a Link Park song at 680 bpm…
DE: The song would last less than half a minute…
Simon: Yes, then you’d be getting I guess a grindcore version of Linkin Park? You wouldn’t be able to understand a word that’s said, but… same thing goes for any grindcore song! Anyway pepperoni, if you’re not going to contribute any more to this show, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
PC: …
DE: His name is Albani…
Simon: Ah. I was going to say, if I was a pig called ‘pepperoni’ I’d be depressed too.
DE: I hate to change the subject, but do you have anything more to blog about?
Simon: Not at all…
DE: Maybe you could consider improving what you’ve already written in this blog?
Simon: What do you mean?
DE: It’s just that by using the ‘finder’ tool on my Mac, turns out you’ve mentioned Della Vega a good 8 times already…
Simon: I have?
DE: Yes, you’re clearly obsessed with him… The first time you mentioned him was way back on January 17th, 2018.
Simon: Finder really knows that much?
DE: Yep.
Simon: It makes you wonder what else I’ve repeated…
DE: Stop saying I’ve been invented by a random word generator!!!
Simon: Don’t shout at me.
DE: At very least you haven’t so called ‘reviewed’ his album for your site…
Simon: Actually, I was thinking about doing that.
DE: Well, then you’d mention him 9 times.
Simon: I could do better and make it ten.
DE: A rounder number?
Simon: Yes.
DE: Have you ever thought about contradicting yourself and saying Della is rubbish?
Simon: You know me too well. Let’s generate some controversy. He sucks.
DE: Be normal!
Simon: I’ll tell you something that’s normal…
DE: What?
Simon: My excellent solution to a problem.
DE: And that is?
Simon: I heard that Guinness World Records aren’t accepting anymore applicants for the world’s fastest guitarist as other people keep trying to break it by playing it faster (as they would), but they all really suck and barely play a single right note. It’s a very easy problem to solve: Slow the music down by computer to check if it’s been played properly and… that’s it.
DE: Oh no. Then they’d be other rivals of Della Vega…
Simon: Well not really. Who else practices for 16 hours a day?
DE: 16????
Simon: Yep. The record will stay his, won’t it?
DE: You’re not even awake that long for a day…
Simon: Yes, I’d have to practice in my sleep. Better than the nightmares, I guess.
DE: And on that bombshell, bye?
Simon: Yes, bye! From me and Sebastien, too.
DE: Byeeeee.
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