Ah, January (Blog 492)

I’m typing this up on the 7th of January, and finally my post-Christmas blues have at least mostly faded. I have nothing to look forward to? No, no, no, on Saturday I’m getting a pizza! I’m back to my usual routine and I’m lovin’ it, hence my use of the word ‘woo’ on the save files of my various articles. There is some internal crying as well, hence my use of the word ‘boo’ but only a little. To start the new year, how’s about an incredible statistic? Remember when I said the odds of my computer background image being correct for 10 or so days in a row purely by fluke were one in half a million? What would be the odds of my computer fluking the right background for about 6 years, roughly the amount of time I’ve owned the thing I? So, I turn my computer on twice a day, there are 365 days in a year, and we times that by 12 to get 4380. Say it’s a 50/50 chance of the computer loading with the correct background, so we calculate 2 to the power of 4380 creating a number so huge, the online calculator calls it ‘infinity’. Does that mean if my computer did fluke the background for so long it would defy the laws of physics? If so, I think I deserve a reward. You know those silver plaques Youtubers get for reaching 100,000 subscribers? I want a diamond one from Steven Hawking. Oh, it’s impossible because he’s now dead? Yeah? I’m impossible too, welcome to my world.

Disappointed the calculator couldn’t give me an answer (unless it really is infinity) I worked out the odds of getting a correct background for just one year. The odds of that are 5.6 with 219 zeros, that’s WAY more atoms than are in the entire universe! In fact the universe seems utterly puny with just 1 followed by 80 zeros of atoms. Say I don’t deserve a plaque now. If lottery winners have a one in 14 million chance of winning one million pounds, how much money do I deserve for just the one year of flukes????? Well, why not try and work it out? If you divide 5.6 with 219 zeros by 14 million, you get 4 with 212 zeros. So, there you go. What my point is, I can’t remember, it’s just a big number, that’s what I’m saying. If we divide that by 14 (again, what my point is, I forget) we get 2.8 with 211 zeros. Google doesn’t say what a number with 211 zeros is called, but a number with 210 zeros is called a novemsexagintillion. I’m a reasonable person, just give me that much money, don’t worry about the amount with 211 zeros. Count yourself lucky as a number with 211 zeros is ten times higher than one with just 210!! For six years of flukes, I’d have the right to all of the money in the entire universe.

Ok, ok, I admit that was bad blog writing but in my defence back in secondary school my approach to maths education was simply ‘(expletive) it’ and there are the consequences of such an attitude, right there. Study in school, it’s important. I tried for half an hour writing the prior paragraph and soon realised I needed to admit defeat. Again. I was thinking to myself the other day ‘you know what, I’m at least a reasonably intelligent person, I’ve pioneered my own form of music, I’m approaching 70 or so bee jokes now’, and all of a sudden I reach a huge mathematical block making me feel like I’m back on square one. It’s almost exactly the same as when I tried to work out the percentage of times I got the ordering of lols and jokes after my daily Twitter posts correct, but what you’ve just read now is on a monumental scale. God knows how bad I would mess up the country if I was in charge of ANYTHING, be that from working with NASA all the way down to managing a corner shop. On the plus side, think how delighted a customer would be if I handed him novemsexagintillion pounds too much money! Time to party. Maybe my new year’s resolution should be ‘try harder at maths’? Hm, I like ‘keep going to the gym’ more.

Moving on, to start the day, I noticed my website was nothing but a blank white screen. Oh no. I thought the backgrounds randomly changing colour a while ago was bad, it even bugged me when the arrow pointing to the cookies policy on my homepage was in the wrong place for a while, but nothing but white? Terror! The internet told me the most likely explanation was a simple, temporary error but boy did it ruin the next ten minutes or so. Then everything was fine again and I felt amazing. I’ll tell you something REALLY positive, I bought myself Weezer’s ‘Blue Album’ for Christmas and it is super fantastic, it has to be in my top 10 albums of all time! Sadly however, I’m associating the music with both panic, frustration and failure with only a hint of relief, so I am considering playing something else instead, right now. On the other hand, maybe I can try and forget about me singlehandedly obliterating the Earth’s economy and think about something positive. I’m not feeling optimistic about that though, as when I listen to the vast majority of my music I’m mostly reminded of me typing behind a computer.

Now what to say? I have to admit there is very little on my mind. I guess I’m going to the gym, later? That’s the trouble with it being my new year’s resolution. If I tried harder with maths, I could end up working how much money I’d get from an ultra lottery, but whilst I actually think I would have a good chance at winning, there is no ultra lottery, so it doesn’t really matter does it? Oh yes, and I won’t be going to the London Comedy Writer’s meeting, it will be next week. I’ve been going there for 7 or 8 years now and it’s the only time the date has been changed for me at least. It’s going to mess my schedule up. Then I realised all the schedule I really have to worry about is getting my blood test done on the right day. Again, not impressive but dammit I can write a good bee joke, here’s my latest one!: How did the man travelling to the stinging insect kill? He bee-headed. Oh yes, and of course I will be chilling out by watching Youtube after the work out. Unless I have to update my computer again, of course. How will you know if I update my computer? I will blog about it. See Apple aren’t screwing me over by sending me updates, I’m getting material out of them, take the power back. And bye!