Blog 500 Coming Up! (Blog 497)

Simon: I want to get blog 500 out of the way as soon as possible (simply because it will be a lot of work), so my plan is to write three blogs in three days, then I can get busy with a really hardcore project. Expect troubled though entertaining superstars like the Dominant Egg, his beautiful fiance Wendy Roland, and many ‘lesser’ characters, such as the Sauce Boy. (Between you and me, I never called him ‘lesser’). As I’m writing THIS blog, I have James Hatfield and Kirk Spammit with me right now, of world famous band Metallica.

James: No, it’s Betallica. All our songs are about gambling.

Simon: Really? That doesn’t get a bit samey?

James: Works for me…

Kirk: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam!

Simon: Ah, Kirk Spammit spamming. Do you ever find him annoying, James?

James: Well, I’ve been playing in a heavy metal band for many decades, now. As a result, I have very bad tinnitus. You have to wonder what’s worse, a constant ringing noise or my good friend here, repeatedly saying ‘spam’?

Kirk: Spam, spam.

Simon: He’s not adding to the problem?

James: I guess… sometimes I think to myself ‘Grow up…’

Simon: Exactly. Kirk, you may think of yourself as young at heart and fun, but I find you obnoxious. Please for the love of God, be quiet.

Kirk: Spam.

Simon: No seriously, Kirk, what happened to you? This is not normal behaviour for a man of your age.

Kirk: Maybe as a child I felt ignored?…

Simon: How ignored are we talking here? Were you a hardened criminal as an infant? Maybe you did something so bad you were placed in solitary confinement for a good few years?

Kirk: Not that a remember…

Simon: You did something awful as a baby, didn’t you?

Kirk: Err…

Simon: What was it? Rob the other babies? Maybe hit them with toys?

Kirk: Errr… Spam.

Simon: I see.

James: This isn’t much of a blog is it? More of a conversation, as strange as it is. Maybe you should do some more blog things, Simon.

Simon: Good idea…

James: You have all the time in the world…

Kirk: Spam.

Simon: A little help? I have no idea what to say…

James: What are you doing right now?

Simon: I’m just sat by my computer. With you, of course. Actually I don’t know why you felt the need to ask me.

James: Maybe take a break and give your eyes a rest as well?

Simon: That does sound like a good idea, but I can never really be bothered. If I keep on going the way I do with all my up close computer activity, my eyes are going to get even worse.

James: Laser eye surgery?

Simon: I have thought about that. Not needing to wear glasses would be cool, but the thing is, people don’t like looking into my eyes even with the glasses, it’s genuinely disturbing for them. At first people are totally fine, then they look into my eyes for a few more seconds and there’s vomit everywhere. Without the glasses it would be even worse.

James: Wow. I’m so sorry.

Simon: It’s ok. All people need to do is take some over the counter medication and they should be fine. For example, ‘Oh no, is Simon around? Get the Sudafed ready.’

James: Anyway, would you like to do an actual blog?

Simon: Oh yeah, here goes: I’ve nearly finished eating my pack of 12 dates!

James: You must really like them…

Simon: Oh if only. I wouldn’t say they’re driving me MAD, but they most definitely get annoying.

James: For the constipation caused by clozapine?

Simon: Yep. The thing is, the meds I take for drooling (caused by the clozapine!) stop me needing to pee as much. You have to wonder… does that make constipation even worse?

James: Does it?

Simon: I’m not sure. Anyway, here goes the last date…

James: Good?

Simon: Not really. I always eat the best ones first. In the end I’m left with dates with a soggy texture.

Kirk: Spam.

Simon: You really are a very one dimensional person aren’t you, Kirk?

Kirk: How DARE you call me a line?!

Simon: I’m sorry?

Kirk: Lines are in 1D.

Simon: Ah. Of course, how foolish of me.

Kirk: What dimension are you, then?

Simon: The third. Like a cube!

Kirk: If anything I’m the fourth dimension.

Simon: Is time the fourth dimension? Is that what you mean?

Kirk: I do perceive time, at very least…

Simon: No way…

Kirk: What?

Simon: You REALLY perceive time??

Kirk: Sure!

James: Kirk, Simon was being sarcastic. You can stop looking so excited.

Kirk: Were you, Simon?

Simon: Yes.

Kirk: Oh screw you!

James: I really do think it’s best if you go back to blogging, Simon.

Simon: Ok. I’m still looking at my computer, tbh.

James: I’m wondering what your next two blogs will be like, if you’re already struggling…

Simon: I’m getting my hair cut on Saturday…

James: And will you be doing anything on Friday?

Simon: Nope.

James: Will you be getting a pizza on Saturday, at least?

Simon: Oh definitely. I’m probably not going to blog about that, though. I don’t blog about my private happy times. I have to take breaks.

James: Well, I’m sure it will be delicious.

Simon: Me too. Kirk, would you like to say ‘spam’? You haven’t said it in a while. I worry if you don’t, you will stop being 1 dimensional and you will become the dreaded zero dimension. Basically I’m concerned you’ll just stop existing.

Kirk: Spam.

Simon: Feel better, now?

Kirk: Yes, for a while there I thought I was going to vanish.

Simon: But you said you were in the 4th dimension… Not the first…

Kirk: Errrr….

Simon: In your own time.

Kirk: I’m a time travelling line, there you go.

Simon: You say that, but whilst you don’t look like a normal human, if I was forced to describe you, I would call you a human. That makes you 3D.

Kirk: Look, I don’t really know what the fourth dimension means. I really would appreciate it if you changed the subject.

Simon: No, I have nothing to say.

James: Are you going to the gym, later?

Simon: Yes.

James: Well… that was something.

Simon: Yes, I upped the word count by one just then, or TWO if you include my name.

James: You included punctuation, too!

Simon: Yes, a colon and a full stop.

Kirk: Spam, spam, spam.

Simon: Thank you Kirk, in a way that was appreciated.

James: End the blog?

Simon: Yes, good idea, bye!