Cancelled LCW Meeting but Fab Walk, Instead! (Blog 538)

As the title suggested, the LCW meeting has been cancelled, so I’m going to go for a lovely walk in Chobham Common instead, then I’ll treat myself to maybe some Chinese rice and chicken to replace the Subway/chicken wrap I get in the city. You know what I can’t in my hometown, though? Hotel Chocolat. That’s annoying, but I can at very least get regular chocs. Not a thrilling life, but at the same time pretty good. I’m not all about livin’ it up though, I’m about working as well. Either silly work like this or work I perhaps take a little too seriously for Metal Rules. I’m just saying that as I’ve never been payed by the site and probably never will. My thinking is readers are people like you and me and deserve fab writing. Anyway, I asked the Metal Rules boss if he had the new Deftones album for me to review and he said he didn’t have the new ‘Deft Ones’ album. A very clever response from him there as that’s what the band were first called! Maximum points for him! However, he said it was more rock than metal, I disagree, so some points will have to be detracted.

Moving on, it sounds small, but the volume control on Youtube does work a bit, but not completely. I wouldn’t say that’s causing me ANXIETY but actually, maybe it is a little. A.I. said the problem could be caused by cookies. Is it me, or does pretty much everything computer-related seem to be caused by cookies? Spam causes lots of problems, too. It’s ironic as I like cookies and to a lesser extent spam. Though to be fair the thought of spam-cookies sounds absolutely disgusting. Firewall is another computer term you often hear. What do you get when you combine a firewall with spam? Crispy bacon! Do firewalls ever get combined with spam? No idea. I hope so though, it would result in perhaps the best ever digital snack! Oh, the volume control is working now. I guess I’ve been too hard on cookies. Nope, dodgy again. It’s working again! I’ve never had a cookie treat me that way or spam.

Now what to say? I’m going to have to think of something, it’s going to be a good three and a half hours or so before I go for my walk. Nope nothing, so how about a joke? ‘Why was the cruel biro eaten? It was a pen meany.’ I’ll tell you this much, I’m not going to eat a biro later, kind or cruel. Some people do eat pens, though. Are they bothered by the pen’s moral character? I honestly have no idea. Would I prefer to eat a kind or cruel chicken, I wonder? Eaten a felonious animal would make me feel less guilty but eating a nice animal would perhaps give me peace of mind. I’m just saying, would you rather be haunted by a dead kind chicken or a dead evil chicken? A nice chicken haunts me? Who cares? Fortunately I’ve never been haunted by a chicken! Maybe it’s just a matter of time though, so I guess I should toughen up.

Oh yes, and before the walk I will be filling my car up with petrol. Hopefully the petrol station has petrol this time, whoever managed the shop when the stuff ran out seriously needs to be fired. It would be bad practice if they simply ran out of fruit. Speaking of running out of fruit, they have actually ran out of dates. But that’s good! I previously assumed if you eat lots and lots of dates a day, you wouldn’t put on weight as they’re good for you, but turns out that was wrong. It seems obvious, now. Now I eat smaller fruit salads instead and I’m better off. The place also has lots of bad reviews saying that place isn’t open 24/7 when it claims it is. ‘Wow, that’s lucky, it’s 4 AM and I’m just about to run out of fuel, these people are lifesavers! Oh, they’re closed and have no fuel’. That’s a one star review there, definitely.

Here’s another joke! ‘Why was the jumbling of the sky disturbing? It was messed up.’ I hope you can’t jumble the sky up, or helicopters would be causing havoc! Stop it! Wow, A.I. says if you jumble the sky up, in particular the particles in the air, the sky can appear orange, yellow, or red! I’ve changed my mind, do it now, it sounds cool! I actually saw a yellow sky once, I never knew it was because the sky was jumbled up… Maybe if everyone in the country waves, the sky will change colour that way. We need to welcome the friendliest person in the world (Keanu Reeves, apparently), when everyone greets him with the gesture some seriously cool stuff would happen! Right, I’ve shared two jokes, I’ve slandered the petrol station again, I’ve complained about my computer again for no real reason and I’ve talked about what I’ll be doing later, I think that’ll do for now. Time to proofread and write more jokes!

Now to blog about the fab outing! As the song ‘This Is How We Do It’ played in the petrol station, naturally that meant it played in my mind for a LONG time during the following ramble. I ended walking in Chobham for almost one and a half hours, and the song played in my head about half of that time. A 45 minute epic pop song! You’d think it would be too long for the radio. Ah yes, it was all in my mind. Well, the same few words were in my mind anyway, which is even worse. Something about neighbours having lots of flavour? Or is it ‘flava’? Is there a difference in meaning, or is it just a hip spelling? I suppose it doesn’t really matter as I haven’t heard anyone say ‘flava’ since the 90s, and my friends certainly never said it. I suppose you have to be a special kind of person to confidently say ‘flava’ and pull the word off. It really could go crashing down in flames.

Whilst the song was the main thing on my mind, there were also persistent worries about people smashing my car’s window in the car park. It doesn’t happen TOO much, but it does happen every now and then. I’m wondering who’s responsible. Is it a gang or is it one lone offender? A mysterious, enigmatic or perhaps even charismatic vandal who smashes windows under the cover of darkness. There were also worries about getting protection from the sun, but very small worries as the weather was mostly cloudy. Having said that, I do get burned easily, but does that mean I need more practice being in the sun, without sun cream? I don’t know. During the walk, I saw a business card on the ground about ‘scrumptious cooking’. I was hungry, but I didn’t bother picking the card up. Where do you get such scrumptious cooking? Probably miles away.

On the walk back to my car, I saw a mum and her two kids and it smelt like they were smoking weed. Maybe it was someone else who just happened to be in the exact same area a few minutes ago. I’m just saying there were very few people in the countryside, so draw your own conclusions. A few minutes later, I drove to a Chinese cafe, near my home. Mmm, what to order? Can’t go wrong with chicken chow mein I guess. For £11? A for flip’s sake, doesn’t anyone do small portions? Oh never mind. When I was given the larger than ideal takeaway meal after five minutes or so, I was asked if I wanted a fork or spoon. I said ‘fork’ and they said they only had spoons but gave me a fork anyway. It didn’t matter though as the utensil I was given was too small, so I used my own. I ate the food whilst watching Youtube, but the volume wasn’t working properly again. But now it is! Sometimes. And that’s all from me, bye!