Christmas Adventures Intense! (Blog 556)

On Christmas eve, I spilled water on a few of my CDs. Very annoying, but then I had the idea of washing the spines of some of the older ones and now they look as good as new! I thought they were beyond repair, cynical Simon! Even the sun damaged spines look a lot better now, merry Christmas! To start Christmas day I didn’t really do anything worth mentioning. I bought some rather standard petrol station food but I did splurge a little as it was Christmas (I got TWO sugary buns!) then I ate exactly five Quality Street chocolates, which were ironically not as nice as the prior. How about calling them ‘Regular Street’ or even better, ‘Regular Chocolates’? Then I just listened to my mysterious and obscure Bruce Bouillet CD whilst admiring my new looking album spines, for a very long time. What can I say? An excellent Frenchman! His name sounds French, anyway. Maybe it’s an English word having something to do with boilers? Do you pronounce the name ‘Boil-ey’? Maybe it means the main boil - boil A. Whatever the case, a perfectly reasonable guitar album! After that I went for my traditional Chobham Common ramble! Well, before I left I just wanted to look at my album collection some more. It’s so beautiful! So logically organised!

It was during the walk where I had my recurring, epic paintball fantasy, where I imagined myself playing a super match in the many, many acres of countryside, it would be so cool! I could hide in the bushes and pick people off with my special paintball sniper gun. When making a note of that idea in Chobham, I noticed someone approaching me. Thank God he was too far away to see what I wrote (as he could be a potential victim as far as I’m concerned) but I do have an expressive face, so maybe he did realise something was wrong. The next time he walks in the park and realises he gets hit by a paintball? He’d just be like ‘… that damn Simon…’ As I watched a Youtube video the day before about someone escaping jail and mostly living in a forest, and because I’m a highly impressionable person, I also had fantasies of knitting bedclothes with grass and staying warm that way. Can you do that? You must be able to. My crime? Common assault, or maybe criminal mischief? What do you call the act of shooting someone with a paintball gun, whilst hiding? Maybe it’s not a crime and is simply mischief. If so, I wouldn’t be on the run from the law, I’d just be a weirdo.

When I got home, I gave my dad my present, that being a bottle of wine, and he got me a bottle of Jack Daniels and some chocolate. Because of a wrapping paper shortage, I couldn’t wrap his gift but I don’t think he really cares, anyway. He just doesn’t feel the same way about the holiday as I do. Quite frankly, I demand wrapped presents, which is what I got. My brother told me to get my sister in law a bottle of Prosecco and I thought I bought her some, but on closer inspection I realised I seemed to have screwed up. I mean the bottle was in the Prosecco section so I don’t know what happened! Maybe someone like me mixed up the wines by mistake or on purpose. THAT’S criminal mischief. As I’m typing on Christmas day, I’m ever so slightly anxious as I went a good 2 mph over the speed limit in a 40 mph zone with speed cameras on the way home. But come on, 2 mph? Who cares? That’s not criminal mischief, that’s mischief! Or in my case, a mistake. I’ll tell you what wasn’t a mistake, someone going about 60 in a 40 mph zone, that’s beyond a prank. I’ll tell you who you really don’t want to prank - the police.

Annoyingly my brother has his own family to celebrate with, so I won’t be seeing him today. He said he’d see me on boxing day… the day I won’t shave… Yes, I recently got a phone call confirming that. I mean what are the odds of me having such a long run of no shave brother visits? I think it must be about 1 in 40 now? Whatever the case, I spent the next few hours or so chilling out, watching TV and playing sick guitar licks. A little but boring, tbh. However, I’m looking forward to watching Spinal Tap 2 later on whilst drinking my special smooth and balanced Tennessee honey Jack Daniels. Sounds delicious! As always, drinking alcohol doesn’t really make me feel any better, quite the opposite but again… delicious. Not as nice as Papa John’s though, and I’ll be getting that on Saturday! The benefit of that, is it doesn’t make you feel worse. Quite the opposite again in fact, it makes me excited! As do the chicken wing sides and to a lesser extent the bacon cheese sticks I eat the following day. The ice cream is too good if anything, I can’t stop eating it, which is why I often get cookies instead, even though they aren’t as nice and cost more. I hate to sound dull, but as I was watching TV, I was often thinking about what I could do with my site over the following days. My second monologue about the whole of this year’s shapes of the day is coming up. I said I wouldn’t do one again and I lied!

Right, I’ve just watched the film! Before that though, I went to the petrol station to get some hash browns. Yes, they’re back, even though I’m clearly the only person who knows about them. Other than the staff I mean, maybe they like them just as much as me. They should do, because they taste just like the ones you get from PJ. A huge honour. Anyway, to watch the movie I had to change the time zone on my computer and was told I could only do that four more times. I felt like I was doing something shifty. What happens after that? Will I be breaking the rules? What will happen to me, will I go to jail? I just want to see a film! I bought it for myself, I didn’t steal it! I tried to play it and was told ‘it was not permitted’ making me feel even shadier, but I tried again, and it was fine. Another rollercoaster. Anyway, a very funny film! A fairly disappointing Christmas on the whole I’m not going to lie, but yeah, a nice walk, nice licks and nice movie. I don’t mean to give any spoilers, but in the end of ST 2, a model of stone henge fell on everybody. Excellent stuff. A while ago I suggested it would be funny if instead of having a statue of the henge, those working behind the scenes could screw up like never before by lowering the pyramids on the stage, but I suppose it wouldn’t really make sense. Too unbelievable. And blog over, bye!