Contest Blog 85! (Blog 476)

In Matt’s latest video shared by me, his character tells you how much he hates gluten. I’m no expert on the subject, but the internet seems to say gluten is found in bread and people who can’t eat gluten feel ill when gulping it down. Horrible news for Italians and their legendary dish that is pizza. Italians are clearly tough people who can handle extreme amounts of the food. Maybe that’s why the Roman Empire was so successful, it was filled with badass people who knew how to have a good time, that good time being tomato-y and cheesy deep dish binges. Was stuffed crust invented back then? If so, those people REALLY lived. Pizza party! Of course I’m not suggesting ‘weaker’ gluten intolerant or indeed any people should just deal with life and eat the best food known to man, as obviously my brain isn’t in tiptop shape. What a hypocrite right? It’s actually been hinted a large part of it is missing. :) Don’t worry, people who have been shot in the head can function in life, and that’s not TOO different to my situation. In my humble opinion, I think my so called disability makes for more interesting writing, though professionals may disagree. Some really hate it. Even if they weren’t fine, what kind of person would someone be if they told people with diseases to stop moaning and eat something? It’s not good coming from a care worker, and as I have been a care worker for a bit, technically speaking, imagine such a demand coming from ME. A guy who claims to be a professional but really spends a lot of his time writing about ‘junk food’ instead of helping people.

Think that sounds extreme? Too unbelievable? Me saying something like that and ignoring my duties? I actually wrote parts of my The Danger of Proverbs book as I ‘worked’ as a care worker in secret, perhaps suggesting I am fully capable of telling those with disabilities to ignorantly cheer up and eat some pizza. Similarly, I could say write a pizza-based sketch or stand up routine to take one’s mind off things. Works for me. Imagine if someone couldn’t eat pizza, though. Or to make a play on words, pizza dough, though. What a poor guy. I pretty much live off the thought of pizza and the action of eating it, someone who couldn’t would get the most sincere empathy from me imaginable. Sadly however, that is all my empathy is limited to, making me unsuitable for the care work profession. Ah, mental illness, care work and pizza. Over the years I have been pondering on how to sum up my writing style in the easiest way possible and it can be described by the simple equation W (for ‘writing’) = MI, CW, P. Actually, let’s include the ratios as well, that would be W = M5, C, P4. In other words, I talk about mental problems about five times more than care work, maybe. There is beauty in the simplicity of that equation, I think. It doesn’t always work perfectly, actually I’d say this blog is more like W = M2, C4, P5, I’m just saying on the whole, the former equation is more accurate.

MATT! I’m supposed to talk about Matt! My word. Check out his video, below!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUYRt4C5noA

Now to change the subject! I got a random voice message left on my mobile phone where a woman called me ‘Mary’. It could have been a wrong number, it could have been abuse. After doing some Googling on the organisation the woman said she worked for, I seemed to have got a call from a homeless shelter, so I’m guessing it was a wrong number. I’m hoping I’m not about to be made homeless, anyway. Maybe the call was an ominous warning, but what’s with me being called ‘Mary’ as well? Why will I have to change my name? Don’t I get a say in what I want to be called? How about Helmut? Helmut the pizza loving German tramp. Word would spread right? I should be given my own radio show, and fingers crosses, once again I can afford to live in a house. What a blog! The thing is, I don’t think I’m allowed to change my webpage address so I better pray my surname doesn’t get changed, otherwise Wiedemanncomedy.com should really be something like MaryAppletonComedy..com or whatever. And on that troubled note… Bye!