Dentist Part Simon’s Number (Blog 435)

As the title suggests, I’ve just been to the dentist! Last checkup 6 months ago, I was told that mouthwash has been giving me brown stains on my teeth. I assumed I’d get brown stains on my teeth if I stopped with the mouth washing anyway and after all this time, have I got more blemishes? I’m not sure. Maybe there are some discolourations that are in between yellow and brown? As you’re probably assuming (rightly assuming) I have been staring at my teeth in the mirror for a while now. Maybe I should let it go. So I will. Right, before going to the dentists, I bought myself some food from the local petrol station to look forward to after the teeth torture. I bought some crisps, and as they were paprika flavoured, that gave me an idea for a punchline: Pap reeker. Now all I need is the joke, here goes: What does your smelly dad’s favourite spice? Pap reeker.

I also went to the local charity shops before the appointment and saw a Hard-Fi CD on sale. Another band from near where I live! That’s along with You Me At Six, Son of Dork, and The Wonder Beers! I didn’t buy the Hard-Fi though as I have it already, I actually bought it from another charity shop. The band are just TWO letters from being ironic. By that I mean they are nearly called Hard-Find, just not quite. Dammit. In the end I bought an Eminem CD that was in near mint condition, suggesting the original buyer didn’t like it. I mean he knew what he was getting into right? Even my nan probably knew who the rapper was. You know that song that goes ‘sweet like chocolate boy’? Maybe the first Eminem buyer thought the track was by the rapper. Because of M&Ms, that are chocolates. A long shot, but it’s probably more reasonable than someone not knowing who the most famous rapper of all time is.

When I tried to open the dentist’s door, I found it was locked! Oh no. Then a member of staff opened a door by my right. I tried to use the disabled entrance! Having said that, you’d expect the disabled entrance to be easier to use. I had to wait a fair amount of time in the waiting room for my first of two appointments. I actually got called in early, suggesting me looking grumpy worked. When in the operating room I asked what kind of appointment I had, a checkup or a hygiene appointment. (It was the latter). I hope no one from outside the room heard that, as I’d look (or sound) like an idiot who doesn’t know what’s going on. What kind of person books an appointment and doesn’t know what he’s in for? I did, I just didn’t know the order of the two. I was soon told by the dentist that I wash brushing my teeth too hard. Coming from you??? I had my teeth scraped over and over again by a metal spike! I don’t brush my teeth THAT hard, come on!

After about ten minutes of suffering, I went back to the waiting room and waited for my checkup. I was a bit bored, so I read one of the adverts. It said ‘Implants that look and feel like your natural teeth’. What if you don’t have any? Huh??… I’m in the wrong aren’t I? That was a dumb thing to say, wasn’t it? Maybe it was, but it doesn’t stop me from making a good point. Apologies again, that wasn’t a good point. I was irritable at the time of the so called observation, so there’s a lesson for you. Blog whilst feeling calm and sensible or you’ll look a fool. A perhaps more positive symptom of boredom was me combining various tracks on the Eminem CD to make random short sentences. I came up with ‘My name is Paul brain damage.’ A funny name for someone, right? I also came up with ‘Zoe role model lounge’, and ‘Just don’t give soap as the world turns’.

Whilst I got called in early the first time around, me looking grumpy didn’t work the second which was annoying. On the plus side, when I was finally called in, I was told to sit down, I had my teeth looked at and after about a minute I was told I was completely fine and was sent home. I really had to pay for that? Wow. I’m glad my teeth are fine though, obviously. So I did go home? Not quite yet, I wanted to check if there were road works around the local hospital, as I will be going there tomorrow. I actually drove there on Sunday and was told the road works would be over by today. But I didn’t trust the guy, which is why I drove there after my checkup. I should have trusted him, there were no more road works. And blog over, bye!