England Vs Netherlands! (Blog 454)

Yesterday, England played football against the Netherlands! As we all know, the Netherlands got its name because the people there never had any lands. It’s true. Therefore, England were playing some particularly desperate people with nothing to lose, so you’d expect a pretty intense match. Only joking, the Netherlands got its name from Never Never Land, which is a Peter Pan reference. Grow up, it’s just a film and a film for children, too. Which is why the footballers were dressed as children, pirates and fairies. Joking again, it’s because Netherlands planes never land. Very impressive from a physics perspective, but a living hell for pilots and passengers. Now let’s blog in a way that suggests I’m reviewing the match in real time!

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The game has begun! If England lose at least this blog will be a palindrome. Ah 454, there won’t be another blog palindrome for a while. Maybe you’re thinking that’s for the best and I should drop the whole idea. Who knows? Also, I’m eating sausage and chips again. I didn’t get mad at the cook this time as he had a trustworthy face, but my chips are just a little too salty.

In the top corner of the TV screen it says NED and ENG. Who’s Ned and does he really think he can take on the whole of Eng? (I’m assuming that stands for England). What an idiot, no one can take on Eng. Oh it’s Netherlands and England. That should have been obvious with my prior writing that mentioned the former country a good FOUR times, but we all make mistakes.

3:50: Garath Southgate really looks like a guy at the London Comedy Writers meetings. I pointed that out to the Londoner with telepathy, facial expressions and head nods. Well I tried. I was too embarrassed to say that with words in front of around 30 other meeting attendants. In fact, as I’m typing on a Thursday, there is a news story about ANOTHER Gareth lookalike getting lots of attention! He must have a big, local family of twins!

6:42: NED scores. Be strong, the last match England were 1 nil down for a while as well! :)

17:34: ENG score a penalty! The commentators said it shouldn’t REALLY have been a penalty but they said they didn’t care and yeah, fair enough. Stupid Ned. That will annoy Netherlands but in a way that makes it funnier.

21:50: My sausage and chips are all gone so I can finally concentrate on the match properly!

22:30: The Eng football looked like it went in the goal but no goal was given! Though to be fair I’m happy with the apparently dodgy penalty kick. I think things have been balanced.

24:50: Did I see Eng pass to Ned or did I just imagine it? I guess I wasn’t fully concentrating, maybe because I was reliving the sausage and chips. If so, I think it’s a genuinely good tactic that would stun the other team.

26:10: Oh it’s finally been proven the 22:30 goal attempt wasn’t really a goal. Still though, it very nearly was, so things arguably have been balanced.

35 -sh: The commentator brought up ‘dominance’. Here’s a thought: Take the N out of Eng and what do you get? Eg! Dominant Egg! He started out as a nobody, but he really is rising through the ranks and becoming this site’s biggest celebrity. I really do think he can conquer Hollywood, once he sorts out his personal problems, of course. Good luck to him.

40:24: The commentator mentioned Van Dyke? Is that Dick Van Dyke? He’s nearly 100 years old! What’s he doing playing football? The commentator said England are the better team and it has to be because Van Dyke is bringing Ned down, he has to be! Even if he was on an extreme dose of steroids and some REALLY powerful tea, I can’t picture him competing in any sport…

44:30: Eng seemed to have passed to the Ned goalie. Maybe he was trying to stun him!

46:00: I’ve noticed some Qatar airways adverts, that I think were in the last Euros. I mean why advertise Qatar in Europe??? It’s such a basic mistake it comes across as comical. You know Dougal from Father Ted? It sounds like one of his ideas.

Oh, in the halftime talk, I found out a guy called Simons scored against England. Imagine if I still had schizophrenia and I believed it was me that scored! (If you don’t think that’s likely think again). I’d feel so strange…

In the TV adverts, ‘Hey Jude’ by The Beatles was playing, referring to footballer Jude Bellingham. It’s lucky he’s not schizo as he could think The Beatles wrote the song just for him. How in the world would that work, it was written decades before he was born. Don’t think that’s a likely thing to be paranoid about? Think again.

46:45: I don’t know who that is, but I BET he’s from Netherlands, he just has a foreign looking face. Not in a bad way, that would be a terrible thing to say, I’m just saying he doesn’t really look English.

48:40: Simons is pronounced Seemonz? Simon is a nice name why spoil it?

53:10: ‘Simons wants it played down the side?’ I said no such thing I don’t even know what it means! Had I had schiz, it would be at that point I start crying.

55:55: I missed what the commentator said about who the highest player was. I’m guessing he was talking about Trippier.

75:15: On the bottom of the screen it said ‘Simons 7, Kane 18’. Wow Kane looks older than 18. Simons looks a hell of a lot older than 7 though. Van Dyke looks excellent for his age.

78:18: The commentator talked about ‘attacking the misshapen Dutch’ that sounds really abusive. :S

79:10: I thought England scored but it was offside. Why do I keep missing the action when I’m typing??

90:00: Eng score!!!! The goal gets played over and over again. Again, will Ned keep seeing it? probably not.

93:30: Why are Eng trying to score, I’d be super defensive… In fact I’d put all the players by the English goal!

95:07: Eng win! The commentator said ‘Gareth Southgate’s men win’? Either Gareth or the guy from the LCW meeting, and of course that other guy on the news. If I had the opportunity to congratulate all of them I would, but it’s not really practical. I can however, congratulate one of those people. And on that happy note… bye!