England vs. Spain! (Blog 455)

Yesterday, England played Spain in the football finals! In the pre-match talk, I noticed a Spanish footballer who can’t pronounce his name properly, I really am an expert on the subject, it’s not Simmon, it’s SIGH-mon. Talk about lazy parenting, I mean how can anyone go through life not knowing something like that, it’s almost unbelievable! Actually I’m angry at the guy’s mother and father. I’m not that forgiving though, I still wanted his team to lose. I mean can you imagine England losing to people like that?? It’s depressing how Spain apparently had a 60% chance of winning. Just before the match started, I heard the Spanish king was in the crowd somewhere. So is the British prince! I think the two royalty should joust each other, THAT would justify their huge salaries, not simply appearing in public every now and then and waving at people.

Now let’s pretend the match has just started!

00:00: England start the match by kicking towards that goal, that can’t be good…

5:45: The commentator said the midfielder was ‘PSG’? Let’s Google what that means… PSG is a football club based in France? But it’s England vs. Spain… It can also mean ‘platoon sergeant’ which weirdly makes more sense. The army are disciplined and so are football players, maybe that’s what the commentator referred to. If so, such weird and almost nonsensical use of language could be a sign of schizotypal personality disorder, and if so, respect. Maybe he’ll start talking about his delusions, that would be very interesting commentating…

16:20: The commentator said ‘It’s Declan Rice!’ As you know Rice is the name of a footballer. If the commentar literally meant rice was playing football, that would be a very severe delusion.

20:00: I don’t know what side just got booed, but if I was a German in the German stadium, I’d boo at both teams constantly. Yes, that may sound like the kind of thing an idiot would do, but actually there is a plus side to that behaviour, that being I really want my own team to win! So if you ever think you see someone who does indeed look like an idiot, just remember the plus side. In a way, it’s like mental health awareness, it’s important.

25:50: The England fans are singing the national anthem. Isn’t that more sophisticated than shouting ‘Vindaloo!’ repeatedly? Prince William will be pleased. Now the Prince needs to do something for everyone else, by that I of course mean fight the Spanish king.

29 ish: The commentator said the football went ‘straight to stones… rice… cane…’ Is he hallucinating now?? I saw NONE of that.

32:10: The commentator said ‘stones and shore’? He’s seeing a beach, isn’t he? A beach with stones, rice and canes on it, very concerning.

35:40: The crowd shouted ‘Espania!’ then ‘England!’ Very confusing for any Germans there. They’d just be like ‘how lost am I? How the hell did I arrive in another country, and why can it be two completely different ones???’ THAT’S someone who deserves sympathy. The commentator does too, but perhaps not quite as much.

46:50: The goalie must have kicked the ball at around 70 mph, which means his leg moved that fast. That means he should be able to run 70 mph, at least briefly!

Whoops, I forgot to listen to some of the mid match break talk as I was on Facebook. Annoying, as it was probably pretty wild. I’ll listen now.

…

Nope, it wasn’t as out-there as I was hoping.

45:45: What was the commentator saying about the footballers creating a magic moment?

46:20: Missed another goal as I was typing, this time Spain scored. :S Stay strong! England have been a goal down twice before and still won!

51:23: The commentator said ‘there’s nobody there’… Right! There’s nobody there, it was all in your head! There’s no magic, there’s no ghost or whatever the hell you were just referring to, you’ll be fine! This really has to be the quickest psychological recovery that has ever been documented.

57:07: I saw two crowd members wearing medieval armour. Give the armour to the two royalty and see something really worth watching.

61:35: What was the commentator saying about possession? Ohhh no.

72:09: Eng scooooore! There’s no commentator saying ‘pressure is for tires’ like after a prior England goal, which I think is a shame. There were clearly people who liked the phrase a lot more than me, as a whole song was made from it! If you have no idea what I mean, pressure can indeed be for tires and people can feel pressure, too! (But they didn’t in that case).

81:03: ‘Palmer’s lost it’? That really was said without a hint of irony and self awareness.

86:00: Ah. Spain score.

92:47: ‘Pickford with the lift..’ Nope. No lift there, or ‘elevator’ for the Americans.

94:00: Yep, England lose. On the plus side, at least I’m not seeing some of the weirdest and most random things of all time, the commentator needs some serious therapy. And on that note where no one REALLY wins… Bye!