England vs Spain! (Blog 532)

Yesterday, England played football against Spain! Land of tea vs land of tacos, based on those stereotypes, anyone could win, right? Is tea mightier than a taco or vice versa? No idea, I’d have to find out. Right, let’s do some time travelling and imagine the match has begun…. now!

00:00: The game has immediately started with the English fans (I presume) chanting ‘England!’ repeatedly. It would be depressing if they chanted ‘Spain’ obviously, but I think it would be the first time someone has ever chanted the opposing team… It’s like the goalie scoring own goals on purpose, I just want to see it the ONE time.

2:59: Wow, England almost scored already. Would they have scored if the crowds chanted ‘Spain!’ or would the English side be too busy saying ‘screw you!’? It makes you think…

4:38: An English player spat on the field! Is it really that hard to swallow? It would be nicer for everyone, wouldn’t it? Hopefully the player must KNOW how to swallow otherwise she’d starve, obviously. It’s an important skill to master, even more so than kicking a ball! Please try, we’re all worried!

8:49: Spain tried to score? Good luck with that. If England prioritise football over the basic and essential act of swallowing, Spain have NO chance of winning.

11:39: A player could have scored but was ‘offside’. I still don’t know what that means.

13:35: England tried to score but if the goalie let that in, I’d fire her, personally.

18:52: England nearly scored! I’ll say it again, don’t mess with someone who values winning over her own digestive system!

20:36: A commentator just said ‘space opening up, here’. Oh my God!!! What, has the football pitch turned into a black hole, or something? I’d stop the match if I saw that happening. Everyone looks fine, though.

24:11: Spain score!! Wow, the player must be more intense than someone who doesn’t eat or drink. Maybe the scorer can’t sleep as well. She never swallows food and she just thinks about football 24/7. If so, maybe things have gone too far? I mentioned colour theory in similar blogs, and I’ll discuss it again. England are wearing white and blue (both calming colours) and Spain are wearing red, the colour of passion. Who do think will win? Spain! That country also has bits of yellow clothing, the colour of cheerfulness. They’re cheerful, because they think they can win. England just need to try harder, that’s all.

35:38: I just saw an advert on some kind of TV screen I guess, that said ‘keep on kicking’ then it turned red! Spain are wearing red! It’s subconsciously making Spain kick more! That’s a scandal!

It’s now half time and I’ve just noticed the England flag is a cross. A cross, because people are angry that they will lose. This match was rigged from the start, wasn’t it? Well I’M onto you. All of you. I missed a minute or two of football commentary as I needed to pee. Yes, unlike the football players, I have a digestive system. It’s important. I probably haven’t missed anything worth watching, though. The people were probably just taking about what’s already happened. I think they should talk about tennis, just for the sake of variety. I missed even more commentary as I watched Youtube. :S Oh, I thought the match had started and someone scored, but because I was watching something online, I didn’t realise that match highlights were being shown on my TV. Whoops. I’ll stop internet surfing, now.

46:26: Wow, I’ve just noticed an advert in blue and white (England’s colours) saying ‘Visa’. It’s subconsciously saying England will need credit cards (the ‘Visa’ brand) and money in general as they will be poor. Because they won’t succeed in football. Basically it’s demotivating England. >:(

49:06: Wow I’ve seen more blue and white adverts, this time saying ‘Eat Fresh’, ‘Booking.com’ and I think ‘Disney’. The first one seems to be mocking the player’s non-existent digestive system, the second I think is a hotel company (suggesting England will need a holiday from stress) and the last suggests England’s dreams of winning are fantasy. NOW I’m mad.

56:05: ENGLAND DEFY THE ADVERTS AND SCOOOOOOORE!!!!!

57:25: I’ve just noticed an advert saying ‘Pay money effortlessly’ and it changes from blue and white to yellow. (Yellow being at least part of Spain’s colours). It’s saying any team may get paid effortlessly, it depends on who wins and consequently gets the money. Deep stuff.

66:54: Wow the England goalie seems to have tried to score for herself, that was quite a kick. Sadly it wasn’t to be.

77:50 ‘England now getting first at everything’? Not at the score clearly, I actually don’t know what that comment means. Maybe I misheard. I haven’t written anything in a while and had to say something. I could talk about colour theory, etc. again. There’s a player called ‘Bronze’. I understand how a football team can come in first and second place, how does coming third work?

90:00 plus an added 2 minutes and 40 seconds: The commentator said the word ‘crucial’, reminding me of the fictional Wayne’s World band ‘Crucial Taunt’, featuring fictional character Cassandra. A while ago I pointed out how I saw the actor who played her on a train. Just a few weeks ago, I saw a TV food presenter in my local gym!

Right, both teams have scored 1 goal, so now it’s extra time coming up! In the break before that happens, a presenter said it’s 30 minutes of extra time, then it’s that ‘dreaded word’. What ‘apocalypse’? It’s just with space opening up and all… It’s made me scared…

100:00: Nothing of note happens, but what a number.

100:01: Ditto.

101:50: A commentator said something like ‘England have had lots of chances to build’. When?? When has a player ever built something in any match? What an odd thing to say…

104:40: The commentator just said ‘Hemp, Mead.’ She could have been talking about the footballers of the same names, OR she was requesting drugs and beer.

It’s the break before the 2nd half of extra time and the presenter said ‘please don’t mention the ‘P’ word. That rules out ‘apocalypse’, then. What could it be? Let’s Google synonyms of the word. Paroxysm, maybe?

111:11: Arguably the best number of the match so far. Again, nothing happened.

Oh dear God no. Penalties. Ohhhhhhhh, THAT’S the P word. Whoops.

ENGLAND SCORE! Oh. It didn’t count.

ENGLAND MISS!

SPAIN SCORE!

ENGLAND SCORE!

SPAIN MISS!

ENGLAND SCORE!

SPAIN MISS!

ENGLAND MISS!

SPAIN MISS!

ENGLAND SCORE, ENGLAND WIN!!!!!!! See? No need to fear the paroxysm, I mean penalties is there?? Wahoooooo!

Right, the match is over and now the whole world know England are the best at football in Europe! Woooooooo! Bye!