England Vs Switzerland! (Blog 452)

A couple of days ago, England played football against Switzerland! Why didn’t I post a blog about that sooner? Well, I was busy partying hard, egg style. If I was a pop star, that’s the kind of thing I’d sing about. There’s a song that goes ‘I’m blue bubabeedubbadye’, there’s the one that goes ‘sweet like chocolate boy’ and then there’s ‘party like an egg’. Is it really so different? I always thought Switzerland was part of Scandinavia, I guess because it sounds like a mix of Sweden and Finland, a harmless mistake. Oh. Google says Finland isn’t part of Scandinavia like I thought, so my reasonings were even worse! Finland is close to Scandinavia, though. Anywho, let’s blog about the match!

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Let’s pretend the match has started just now again!

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1:14: The writing on the screen said Gareth Southgate is the head coach. You can get heads of lettuce. Imagine coaching them!

20:12: The commentator said a player is a keen chess player and that football is like a game of chess. In recent times I’ve been thinking football is like high speed chess. I guess it wasn’t my idea after all, and that I forgot about hearing someone else say the same thing beforehand. What I know for sure is the Gareth teaching football to lettuces idea is mine.

30:47: I can’t make out what the person in the crowd is shouting, but it sounds genuinely terrifying.

35:18: I noticed the goalie hand balling the ball a lot. If goalies weren’t allowed to do that, you’d assume he went insane, everything really would be all over for the entire team. Can you imagine Kane running all over the pitch, with the ball in his hands? You’d never forget it, would you? Poor Gareth Southgate, though.

37:50: I don’t know who he is, but he looks like Sylvester Stallone. Is he the Swiss manager? I’d like him to be my manager, especially if football was a Rambo-like sport where the players were given firearms. I wouldn’t like to see that though, not because everything would be over in seconds, but because of the extreme violence. It really would be extremely upsetting.

41:14: I’m noticing footballers walking I’m assuming to conserve their energy. Is the conservative party about conserving things? If so what? Whatever the case, the conservative party lost in the elections, so my theory is conservative footballers will lose, too. I’ve moved on from colour and name theory, at very least it was inconclusive. But at least I’m open-minded!

44:27: The commentator said ‘you have to feed (the player) as much as you can’. Maybe THAT’S why the people were walking, they’re just lacking nutrition. Again, I’m open minded.

Now it’s the half time break with talks from the hosts, one of them being Frank Lampard. Frank Lampard? I think one of his relatives had a lamp that was ‘ard. NO! I must move on, again to politics. Time to Google what conservative means: ‘Averse to change or innovation and holding traditional values’. Not about walking slowly then? It is about conservation of at least something though. Now I’ve seen him again, the Sylvester lookalike kind of looks like the main baddy in the Diehard film as well. Maybe that’s just me, whatever the case, more needless violence!

58:10: Oh so it’s the Swiss who are singing? It was hard to tell as they were just singing vowels and nothing else. Is that a trait of the language? Whatever the case, please be quiet.

62:30 ish: Harry Kane gets fowled and looks like he’s in pain. The other team looked like ‘oh don’t pretend’ and Kane looked like ‘oh only joking.’ That’s my interpretation anyway.

74:16: Switzerland score! I read that cheese is associated with pride, don’t ask me why. Whatever the case… Swiss cheese!

78:14: The commentator talked about an administrative error but I wasn’t really listening. Hopefully the error was about the goal. A bit late but that’s fine! As a compromise, how about Switzerland don’t have this match’s score allowed, but they can keep as many of their prior goals as they like??

79:48: Eng score! No error there, woo! Even Prince William celebrated which was weird.

86:56: The commentator said something about jousting. Not by the Prince but the players which was also weird.

I wasn’t listening to break commentary as I was playing guitar. Coming up next is extra time!

13:31: The commentator said ‘you’ve done the P word’ to another commentator. You can’t actually SEE the commentators during play, so I can’t know for sure one of them hasn’t peed everywhere, but I’m 99.99% sure the P word refers to the thought of penalties coming up.

22:55: The ball flew straight into the crowd. I wonder what the odds are of a random person on the street being hit by a football in the Euros, it must be ridiculously small. Definitely something for whoever was hit to appreciate.

Here comes the P word…

‘Every penalty England has taken so far has been a peach??’ That’s what the commentator said, he must be blind AND mad!

He then said the player ‘has to keep his team alive’??? Now THAT’S a big responsibility…

And England wiiiiin!!!!!! Wooooooohooooo! And…. bye!