Eurovision Part 9 (Blog 516)

Hello, readers! It’s another Eurovision blog and with me Simon, there are the two eggs, Charlie and Wendy Baldwin!

Charlie: Thank you for having me.

Wendy: Likewise.

Simon: Also with me are two men inspired by number plates, the first being Lieutenant Foot and the second being the not quite so interesting AK47-C major 1st inversion.

Lieutenant Foot: Nice meeting you.

AK47 C major 1st inversion: Howdy.

Simon: How exactly did you get your name AK 47 C major 1st inversion?

AK 47: A freak accident.

Simon: Would you like to explain a little deeper?

AK 47: E C G means C major 1st inversion. And that was apparently seen on a number plate.

Simon: I see.

CB: Screw you, AK 47. And you too Lieutenant Foot.

Simon: Ah, it should be explained that Charlie hates people who are inspired by number plates.

LF: Why??

Simon: He’s just very troubled, that’s all. He can’t handle the rumours HE has no real parents, so he takes it out on other people.

LF: The military will sort him out.

AK 47: Or maybe an education would. A musical education.

CB: I know EXACTLY who my dad is.

WB: I do, too.

Simon: Look, this blog is supposed to be a happy event, so I’d appreciate it if we all got along.

CB: Fine.

(A thudding noise is heard)

LF: Ow!

Simon: Right, that does it Charlie, if you fly into someone one more time, you’re out of here. You’ve been getting therapy for this kind of behaviour!

…

…

Simon: Ok. Now readers, you may have noticed I didn’t mention what superblog this is, as I don’t really think it matters. Noting how many blogs in general I’ve done does matter though, as I certainly appreciate at least SOME digits. For example, the other day I got a Gmail access code and then another one a few minutes later. Both started with the same three digits and that’s a one in a thousand chance! So yeah, gotta love some numbers. Oh if only I could share the codes but I was told not to. Dammit.

LF: What’s all this pointless talk about numbers?

Simon: Eh?

LF: You should join the army, that would sort you out.

Simon: Oh, it would sort me out as well?

AK 47: Getting a musical education would be good as well. It would make you more intelligent, which you need.

Simon: Er, I do have a musical education actually.

AK 47: A good one?

Simon: Well no, but… Oh screw you! Right, the first Eurovision song I’ll be reviewing is…

… Albania!

Here goes: One of the vocal melodies in this song ever so slightly reminds me of the singing in Metallica’s ‘Invisible Kid’, which is probably a coincidence, as why be influenced by what many consider to be one of Metallica’s worst songs?? Wonder how similar the lyrics are, too? Metallica go ‘Oooooh what a quiet boy you are’, I’m going to have to use online translator to find out what the Albanians sing. I’m guessing they don’t sing ‘I’m OK, just go away’ like Metallica do, as that would make the Albanians the most antisocial act in the contest ever. Anyway, they apparently sing something like ‘I send the third one please.’ Yep, nowhere near.

Next is…

Armenia

‘I’m a survivor, stay aliver.’ As these guys are from another country, they can be forgiven for making a word up, hell I needed to check if aliver was a real word too, but I really do think you should be making the most of the rhyming dictionary tool on the internet. How about ‘I’m a survivor, great cabdriver’? Not just a singer, but with an amazing brain capable of remembering countless roads and routes! I’d boast about that, anywho.

Australia

Ah Australia, by far the biggest country in Europe. It’s the second biggest continent in Europe, too! Ooh, a song called Milkshake Man, it’s been a while since I had a shake, I’d definitely like one soon. Ah. The song is nowhere near as educational as I hoped. You CAN eat the cream on top straight away, but I prefer it if the cream gets blended with the rest of the shake, it’s not such a an easy skill to master. That was never even hinted at in the song. :(

Austria

‘I reach out my hand but you watch me grow distant, drift out to sea and far away in an instant’. Yes, THAT’S a rhyme! Better than surviver aliver, but sadly not physically possible. There is no instant, unless Austria is referring to an incident that goes faster than the speed of light. If so, wow! An impressive song Einstein would both respect and would be irritated by. I guess he’d have do redo to E=MC2. :(

Azerbaijan

A song called ‘Run With U’. What like running as in jogging or running as in runny noses? That may sound strange to me and you, but who knows what traditions foreign countries have? Have a runny nose with me, it will be a party! That’s how the band SEEM to act, anyway. I must go to Azerbaijan one day and soak in the whacky culture.

Simon: Right, time for a break! Now I will be mocking AI’s attempt at understanding my joke that goes ‘Why did the hardworking field worker get sectioned? He self-farmed.

AI: The hardworking field worker may have been sectioned due to concerns about their mental health, potentially if they were exhibiting behaviors that indicated a need for assessment or treatment, or if their safety or the safety of others was at risk. Mental Health Act outlines the circumstances under which someone can be sectioned, which can include situations where someone needs to be assessed or treated for a mental health problem, their health would be at risk, or there is a risk to themselves or others. Self-farming, while potentially a source of stress, is not in itself a reason for sectioning. The focus is on mental health concerns that necessitate a formal assessment or treatment. 

Simon: Well there you go, self-farming isn’t a reason for sectioning. You can do better, AI. If you change just one letter of ‘self-farming’ you’d get the joke.

LF: You should self-farm, Simon.

Simon: What’s that mean?

LF: You need to bulk up more.

Simon: Whilst it’s true I can very easily wrap my thumb and little finger around my wrists, actually I do go to the gym.

LF: Getting ripped off much?

Simon: No.

CB: I wish I had wrists…

WB: Me too.

Simon: There you go Mr. Foot. My writs are fine. Eggs are envious of them, even.

LF: Wow, two eggs are jealous of you. Wowee.

Simon: Yes, next up is…

Belgium

Wow, you only have two seconds to read ‘Warning, this video contains flashing effects and strobe lights, viewer discretion is advised’? Are people with epilepsy known for being speed readers? I haven’t heard that before. Anyway, the song: Ooh fave song so far. I enjoyed it anyway, many will have a seizure in seconds just because of the speed reading fallacy.

Croatia

A song called ‘Poison Cake’? I don’t know what’s funnier, the name or the fact the song is a serious ballad. Well it starts like a ballad, then it goes into a weird children’s music section, then a darker, heavy section. I’ll have to soak up Croatian culture, too. Just stay away from the cakes…

Cyprus

A person who claims he’s lost his heartbeat, yet he tells someone to hush much more than he complains of his critical medical condition? The guy he’s speaking of must be REALLY annoying. Is there a possibility the song is written about me? If so, good day Theo Evan, I hope you are well. See? I can act normal if I try. Now let’s mock Czechia as I’m strongly assuming they won’t complain of me more than they do of a stroke.

Czechia

No stroke, here. Unless of course the lyrics are really cryptic. ‘One kiss of love, one kiss of desperation’? No, I’ve never heard of a stroke being described that way. The song title ‘Kiss Kiss Goodbye’ could refer to me though, which is very upsetting obviously. So I’ll change the subject! Wow, as I’m typing, the temperature in Death Valley is only 2 degrees hotter than where I live and it’s raining there, too? Doesn’t sound deadly to me…

Denmark

A positive song that goes ‘you’re my hallucination’? If someone kept appearing in front of me in a way that seemed real, I’d be mad at the person. I don’t appear out of nowhere and trouble you, so why are you doing the same to me? I wouldn’t sing how great they were like Denmark do, that would only encourage them. Only a crazy person would tell someone to be quiet before calling for an ambulance, so MAYBE the Cyprus act is crazy, too. Or should I say WAS crazy? Because he’s probably dead.

Simon: Great, now let’s mock AI again. Here’s my joke ‘Why wasn’t the duvet in the sky known? It was a cover, up.’ Get it this time, so called ‘Artificial Intelligence’?

AI: The phrase "duvet in the sky" is not a standard expression. It sounds like a playful or humorous way of saying something is "covered, up" or hidden. The idea of a duvet in the sky suggests a celestial cover, which is not something that is commonly known or used.

Simon: I’ll take that as a no, then.

WB: Oh I talk about celestial covers all the time.

Simon: There you go then.

CB: Why are you taking Simon’s side? Would you rather have married him than me??

WB: What??

Simon: You really are a jealous egg aren’t you? The possessiveness, the aggression, you very clearly have borderline personality disorder.

LF: The army would sort that out…

CB: I don’t have BPD and there is nothing the army can sort out.

AK 47: You know… some people find playing music very therapeutic. Want some guitar lessons?

CB: I’m not getting lessons from someone who doesn’t exist.

Simon: Charlie…

CB: Just do some more reviews.

Estonia

Two people singing to two cups of coffee? A more subtle sign of mental illness and far less aggressive than many would expect after watching dark crime dramas, but what was really realistic was the way they danced crazily after drinking the coffee. Yes, me too! I particularly liked the way the performer got higher and higher after drinking the caffeine. Yes there will be a high, but it’s just not worth it when you see other people be your hallucinations!

Finland

Wow, Finland’s song ‘Iche Komme’ is either Finnish for ‘I am coming’ OR it could mean ‘different’ in the Igbo language. If I had to guess it would be the Finnish meaning for obvious reasons but who knows, maybe singer Erika Vikman has connections to Nigeria. :O Australia is in Europe, now Africa is too.

France

Ah, in the video a clock with hands in the smiling face position (10 past 10) is shown. Clocks are sold at that time so people are more willing to buy them. No I don’t want to buy the clock in the video. Maybe it’s a subtle way of getting the public to vote for the song? If so, I’m onto you. Yep, a dark conspiracy when either watches, etc. are sold to you without you wanting them or a Eurovision voting scandal.

Georgia

I have no idea what this song is about as the Youtube captions just show scribbles. I know the song is called ‘Freedom’ and the singer wears a red dress, but that’s it. Judging by prior songs ‘freedom’ in this case means ‘freedom from punishment as I’m legally insane’, and the red symbolises blood coming from whoever did the subtitles. Well, I’m presuming he has some kind of head injury, anyway. Otherwise I’d understand him…

Germany

‘I shoot holes into the night, stars fall and bang on my roof’? That’s what the singer says. If that’s true, this person is responsible for the end of the world, as even a single star coming into contact with Earth will turn everything to ashes instantly. Well almost instantly. This person must be stopped and you cannot vote for her.

Simon: Right, now for a break I will be telling the true if sad story of the very recent time where I did some graffiti in a shop as the staff looked at me.

LF: Come again?

Simon: Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it sounds. So, the other day I saw a sign in a shop saying ‘because of a brakdown, the display isn’t working’ or words to that effect. What’s a brakdown? It’s not a word I know, and I needed to sort it out. In fact, I felt so strongly about it, when I got home I made a note saying ‘bring pen’. The next day in the shop I did bring my pen, and tried to correct the mistake. However, the notice was covered in a clear plastic sheet making writing with my biro next to impossible, all I really did was leave a small mark, I should have brought a permanent marker. The looks I got from the staff! Not my fault you can’t spell, is it? I hope I don’t get into trouble for that, it was clearly premeditated.

WB: How long ago did you do that?

Simon: Just yesterday…

WB: And when you went back to the shop today, did you see the staff that saw your graffiti attempt?

Simon: Yep, and I’m still not in trouble. I got more funny looks, though.

WB: You’ll be fine.

CB: Stop talking to him Wendy! How can you like talking to him more than me, this is ridiculous!

Simon: Seems like a good anecdote to me.

CB: Is it real??

Simon: Look, spelling is important. How are you going to trust someone who can’t spell ‘breakdown’. On a deeper level it suggests breakdowns don’t matter to the shop’s staff and if that’s true, what happens in an emergency? I’ll tell you, the staff panic, go home and the situation gets worse. Sounds like something Freud would say, anyway.

CB: Idiot.

Simon: Next is…

Greece

Wow, the song starts with the words ‘My star’. NO! It continues ‘My sweet mother, do not weep. Though they dress you in mourning black. This faded, weary body of mine no flame can ever crack’. Wow, a Eurovision song describing the end of the world even more graphically than before. There are delusions of grandeur, too. Look, this is serious, if you pull stars to Earth because you like them so much, everyone. Will. Die!

Iceland

Is this a rap group wearing futuristic space suits? Either that, or very shiny jumpers. And why was an octopus shown on the screen? I did hear that some aliens in films were inspired by sea creatures as animals who live in deep water often look so weird, but copying an octopus exactly is a very lazy idea. Here’s an idea for an alien: A goldfish!

Ireland

Another scifi theme. At least it’s not demented like the other space songs though, it’s about someone who parties in space and who even saves the world! As I always say, it’s better to save the world than destroy it. Interestingly, the clothes warn in this vid are similar to Iceland’s. I KNEW Iceland tried to make the viewers believe octopuses were aliens!

Isreal

Another love song. A bit of a cliche obviously, but maybe not quite as big a cliche as space insanity. As it’s such a standard idea, I find it only fitting to share another bee joke. However, it will only be able to be understood by those familiar with the small English village Helsby. Here goes: Where do Satanic bees come from? Hell’s bee.

Italy

A song that mentions a ‘Bologna station’. I thought bologna was like bolognese, so my thinking was in Italy, there are special stations where you can buy nothing but spaghetti, which I found strange, and which is why I Googled that. Actually Bologna is an Italian city. No wait! Bologna is a food as well, there we go, I was right to be confused. Some of the other lyrics in the song are strange ‘I wasn’t born with a tough guy face’? Ever seen a baby that looks like a hardened gangster? No? No one has!

Simon: Let’s mock AI for the third time. Here’s my joke: Why are you more likely to get robbed in humid weather? It’s muggy. Let’s see what AI has to say this time…

AI: While there's no direct link proving humid weather inherently causes more robberies, studies suggest that hot and humid conditions can increase the likelihood of certain crimes, including robberies, due to factors like reduced cognitive function and increased aggression. Additionally, warmer weather can lead to more people being outdoors, increasing the opportunity for criminal activity. 

Simon: Yes! A joke proved what I said all along!!!!!!! I told you hot weather drives people crazy, it’s not because people aren’t getting enough Weetabix as one advert suggested!

CB: I’m going to have to back you up, there. You keep linking heat to crime and there’s the solid evidence.

WB: Well, it would be solid evidence if you didn’t keep saying how stupid AI is, Simon.

Simon: Errr…

WB: I’ve got you there.

Simon: Well, AI spotted that two of my jokes were indeed jokes beforehand, so AI is clearly right sometimes.

WB: But how do you know when it’s right?

Simon: When it agrees with me. Next is…

Latvia

The video and vibe of this song very much reminds me of the dream I had when I forgot to take my brain medicine, no lie. I’ve just translated the lyrics and they are pretty out there: ‘You can’t destroy me, people make a copper bridge, I make an oak tree’ etc. Not exactly grounded in reality, is it? Personally I find such dreams frightening, so you have to wonder who this song really appeals to. Not even me? Woah.

Lithuania

‘Your eyes see only pain’ and ‘don’t be scared I cry in your dreams’ Wow, a schizo song followed by another schizo song but with mind reading and added depression. What happened to this contest?

Luxembourg

Ooh a doll ‘taking control of things’. That’s three crazy songs in a row now, a hat trick for mental people. What’s particularly alarming is the singer dresses up as a doll, says she’s a doll and also says that she’s not a puppet which is basically the same thing as a doll. Contradiction much? Best case scenario, she doesn’t really know what puppets and dolls are, worst case scenario she is going through a serious identity crisis.

Malta

This video is ‘based on a true events’? What events? The singer with a table around her neck, with spaghetti on it? How did she get away with that? I mean she’d have to go to a restaurant, cut a hole in the table with a saw so she could put her head through it and then glue the meal to the table so it wouldn’t fall off! The staff just let that happen? That IS worth writing a song about, I just don’t believe it.

Montenegro

Replace the singer, sing about cannibals or blowing things up with a tank, add some distorted guitars and this could be a Rammstein song. At least I think their ‘Feuer Frei’ is about blowing things up, their lyrics are very cryptic. It could be about a vindaloo for all I know. All I do know is it translates into English as ‘Fire freely’, hence the spicy curry reference!

Simon: Now for a break I will be apologising to supermarket chain Co-op for saying they robbed Sainsbury’s.

WB: Why did you say that?

Simon: Just a theory. In hindsight, I was wrong.

CB: And what was your theory?

Simon: Well, I read a news article saying Co-op said their products were free in ‘an error’. Well they said it was an error, but maybe that was because they finally realised how embarrassing their behaviour was. As in ‘oh no, I’ve done the worst thing a shop can do - completely eliminate any kind of profit. Let’s lie and say that was a mistake.’ Whatever the case, as they ended up being so poor, I was thinking they could have been driven to rob the local Sainsbury’s, and the fact I heard of such a robbery backed my idea up.

CB: You heard Co-op robbed Sinasbury’s?

Simon: No I heard Sainsbury’s got robbed though…

CB: Well there you go then.

Simon: Right. Next is…

Netherlands

A song called ‘C’est La Vie’? That’s a French expression! What else have these people stolen? The act is called Claude? That’s not an original name either! My word. Oh, online translator says c’est la vie’ has the same meaning in France and the Netherlands. Whoops. But Claude isn’t new enough, we can agree about that.

Norway

‘Nothing can burn me now, I’ll be my own lighter’. You misunderstand basic physics, lighters burn you regardless if you own them or not, or indeed if you are your own lighter. You have to be careful, there.

Poland

More flames on stage as the singer performs. Don’t trust Norway in any way until they prove they passed their science exams. Anything less than a B in physics and I’d be cautious. I need to be 100% clear: Flames burn.

Portugal

Sounds a bit like the band Pinegrove! In fact, if you take the letters of ‘NAPA’ (which is the band name), ‘Deslocado’ (which is the song name), ‘Portugal’ (which is the country name), and ‘Official Music Video’ (self explanatory), you can actually spell ‘Pinegrove!’ Spooky… Sure you have lots of letters left over but it’s still an anagram. Right? A poor anagram…

San Marino

Why are these people singing about how much they love Italy? They do realise what contests are? The main purpose is to try and win… Italy didn’t sing about you, you know? Actually, they sung about spaghetti stations, so move on.

Simon: Now for a break, I’ve just found out there is a place called ‘Waynesville’. Are we living in a dimension where Waynes World is actually real?

WB: I think Wayne’s world being real is pretty neat…

Simon: I do too, but it’s the strangeness of the situation that gets to me. Also, what has Wayne done that made it appropriate for a town to be named after him? He must be some kind of hero…

CB: Maybe that’s a subject for Wayne’s World 3. If you’re reading this Mike Myers, there’s material for a sequel right there.

WB: Wayne saves the world and gets his own town…

Simon: Yeah and Garth does something super cool as well, resulting in Garthsville.

WB: He saves the world, too.

Simon: Now THAT’s a film.

LF: And I battle aliens…

Simon: That’s epic! Right, next is…

Serbia

An artist called ‘Princ’ and a song called ‘Mila’? I’m assuming Princ is short for Prince and by that logic, Mila is short for Milan… Milan? That’s a city in Italy! Look Serbia, I admire how humble you are, but please sing about the UK instead if you don’t want to win!

Slovenia

Slovenia doing a great job and not singing about Italy…

Spain

A song called ‘ESA DIVA’? Employment and Support Allowance Diva? That’s a famous opera singer claiming benefits! If she’s so famous she won’t need the benefits, and thus we can conclude she’s been scamming the government out of money. This person cannot win.

Sweden

People dangerously close to a fire again… That would be bad enough, but they sing ‘The clock strikes, now is the time, all worries will soon disappear.’ Yeah, maybe not if you’re not careful. The song continues ‘This firewood of ours heats just as well’. Well done you understand fires heat things, that’s a start. But do you realise how much they heat things, that’s the real question.

Switzerland

The singer wants to go on a journey with someone? What to Italy? She never says, I bet it is though. France is the country of love as well, but the clock thing? Because of that, I’d say it’s the country of love and dishonesty. All things considered, basically I’m saying go to Italy, too.

Ukraine

A song called ‘Bird of Prey’? Ah a Tony Macalpine/Billie Sheehan reference. Who’d have thought 80s style neoclassical metal would ever be a thing in Eurovision? Ok having listened to the track I was wrong, it’s not shred metal but it IS prog rocky and my favourite song so far! Let’s be real there is only one more country to go, so Ukraine are going to be my fave. Right?

United Kingdom

Wow, a lot of time and effort went into this song and video, it’s somewhat of an epic! Makes me proud to be British and maybe it is better than Ukraine! People on Youtube complain about all the tempo changes? No, that’s what makes it epic! A strong contender, but maybe not when the contest was hosted by England just 3 years ago. Does that make a difference? I’d say… probably!

Simon: Right, all done! To conclude, I’m presuming Eurovision is going to have a massive positive effect on Italy’s tourism which is nice…

WB: But you did slander Co-op…

Simon: Yes, but I apologised for that, so…

CB: You said I was mentally ill, too.

Simon: Yes. You are.

CB: Oh. No apology?

Simon: Nope, you need to talk to someone.

LF: Thank you for featuring me in this blog, Simon. Maybe now my father can track me down and I can finally speak to him.

Simon: Mm-hm. Well, blog over I guess! Would everyone like to say goodbye?

Everyone: Bye!