Fish and Chips Shop Karma :( (Blog 512)

Last Wednesday, my plan was to get more fried chicken and chips from the local fish and chips shop. I was thinking to myself ‘fine give me the extra chicken if it means that much to you.’ By that I mean I always seem to get free extra food even when I make it clear I don’t want any. However, this time they went too far and said they didn’t have ANY fried chicken! It’s easy to understand why if they’re so willing to just give it away and whilst I’m sure the staff THINK they’re friendly, it’s actually the kind of behaviour that can bankrupt a business. A particularly powerful thought as the chippy is only a few months old now as it has replaced a seemingly failing curry house. Well I assume the Indian restaurant ran out of money, maybe the owner got arrested. I’m just saying a restaurant called ‘The Ivory Tusk’? That’s shady. Hiding in plain sight, as they say. But it’s more likely the owner was losing money. Maybe he decided to shut the place down as he also owns another similar restaurant just a few metres away? I don’t know, maybe it’s run by a separate company, maybe it’s run by the illegal dealer. Apparently Subway lost profits because there were too many of the fast food places and they started competing against each other. Doesn’t that sound strange to you? Taking things further, it would be REALLY weird if rival Subways trash talked each other. Don’t you realise how similar you are? Sad, really.

Anyway, long story short, the chippy got me back for being ungrateful earlier. Well done. I had to make do with a battered sausage, a plain battered sausage too, as this time I asked for curry sauce and they forgot to give me some. GET YOUR ORDERS RIGHT!! This is getting ridiculous, now. Speaking of similar establishments fighting each other, there is ANOTHER chippy nearby, just not a few metres away. (More like a few hundred). One store keeps giving their products away and getting the orders wrong. The other doesn’t. Which one is going to close down, do you think? It’s easy to see why Papa John’s have been made to close some of their stores as they give food away for free and have offers where you pay roughly half price! I don’t mean to sound pretentious, but is business theory really that complicated? You sell things at a profit and you should be fine! What you don’t do is arrogantly experiment with the fundamental idea, thinking that you know best. It’s like 1 + 1 being 2. Or course it is. In comparison, it’s like Stephen Hawking thinking to himself ‘I’m a smart man and I have a hunch that 1 + 1 is actually 3.5.’ No! Again, it’s arrogance, leave such concepts alone, they’ve been fully understood a long time ago.

Speaking of food, I not long ago made the claim that Italian pizzas hate schizophrenic people. That was a bizarre thing to say, wasn’t it? If I was being honest, I can’t really remember why I made the connection. Not that it matters, I’m sure there was nothing in the theory anyway. Let’s put things right, now. Sorry, Italy. I should also probably apologise for impersonating the Spanish king and prime minster, but I want people to believe that I was actually talking to them, so I’m not going to. In fact I DID talk to them, how about that? You want to know someone REALLY famous that I talked to? Simon Cowell, no lie. Well Simon cowbell, anyway. That is the percussion instrument owned by me. Ok, that wasn’t really true either, but if I wanted to, I could indeed talk to Simon’s cowbell. (My cowbell). The only way I’m talking to Simon Cowell is after a stalking incident, which to be clear would never happen. Speaking of cowbells, I saw the phrase ‘More cowbell’ on Google after searching for the instrument out of curiosity, and it means ‘an extra quality that will make something better.’ I always took the phrase literally, I thought audience members wanted more of the relatively obscure drum! I always wondered why, and now I know. And…. bye!