Flipping Boring Steam Fair (Blog 440)

Today I went to a steam fair! I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go, but I did want some blog material. My dad told me there were some steam engines that were three storeys tall, and I was thinking, ‘you know what, that does sound good.’ So, on entrance to the place, I noticed a speed sign saying ‘dead slow’. How slow is that? I’d have said completely still, but how would anyone get anywhere??? Silly sign, but my dad seemed to know what it meant. (Just slow). Perhaps because he was as excited as me, we quickly went to the massive engines. I really was hoping they would have had wheels and could move, that’s the image I had in my mind, and I now feel silly for it, but I guess they were cool, anyway. As expected, my dad gave his trademark lecture on them, and as always, I didn’t to a word he said. I was curious what the things actually did and I’m sure my dad told me, but I didn’t exactly want to ask him. Not only would I get another lecture I’d get an angry because of the lack of listening.

After that stuff and when my dad unloaded his mini steam engine from his van, I noticed it was called ‘The Duke of Kent’. How can a tiny steam engine rule a county? It would be a very strange image, if not creepy. If anything, that’s an image from a dystopian horror movie. I’m just saying machines lack any humanity, so I don’t trust them. My dad asked me where the oil for the contraption was. I always thought the Candlemass song that goes ‘I wait for the oil’ was completely meaningless, but no! My dad waited for oil! How about that?? Finally things are clear. I also get why the song is so depressing now. I was depressed too. I was kinda bored to be honest as I hung around my dad’s van for so long, doing nothing as he set everything up.

My dad also said ‘the sun really is heating up my tool box!’ then he realised he left a blow torch on. If that wasn’t bad enough, he blamed that on me for not spotting it, even though I wasn’t looking at the thing. What particularly annoyed was the fact he genuinely seemed to believe I was in the wrong. You could assume he said what he did out of frustration and he couldn’t face the fact he was a bit of an idiot for creating such a huge fire risk in front of families with small children, the latter being people my dad likes to believe he’s smarter than, but no, it was because of me. Anyway, eventually my dad let me ride the mini vehicle. Yeah, it was alright actually. I only went about 2 mph, but technically it’s infinitely faster than nothing, so therefore you could argue it was infinitely more exciting than my previous, still situation. Sounds good when you put it like that, but it wasn’t THAT good.

After that, I left my dad to get a drink and some cake. I could have got sugar free Sprite as I had one recently and thought it tasted like regular Sprite, but there has to be a catch right? Maybe something like it doesn’t cause diabetes, but it gives you cancer or whatever. I’m sure that isn’t true, so very sorry Sprite, I’m certainly sure ONE drink won’t harm you, but even so, I did get some regular Fanta instead. A lot more standing around followed with my dad and again, I was depressed, quite frankly. However, was that because of my situation, or was it because of something a little more strange? I keep pointing out how clocks are sold at 10 past 10 so the hands look happy, and I noticed the steam engine ‘hands’ (that I guess are used to open it up) on the front of the thing were in a frown shape. MAYBE that’s what spoilt my mood…

I must have spent a good hour standing on the inside of my dad’s open van as I pretended I was about one and a half foot taller. It was actually one of the highlights of the day. I got some orange juice and chocolate cake, then I went back to standing. Then I rode the train again. However, the fun was gone the second time around and it was really, really boring. :( I thought I saw a woman wearing a shirt with ‘(expletive) you’ on it, actually it said ‘New York’. I was miles away, wasn’t I? Maybe I got the phrase and the city mixed up because I have heard lots of stories of people getting randomly punched in the place and I presume sworn at too, but crucially, I’m 100% certain that’s not ALL the city is about. I mean I’d hope, right? If that IS all the city has to offer, it really is terrible, obviously.

Eventually my brother’s family turned up. My sister in law asked if I’d been eating ice cream. I was thinking ‘no, but I sure would have liked some, you really know me’. Then I said I’d eaten some chocolate cake, and then I was told I had chocolate around my mouth. THAT’S why she asked me. :S After that, and after sharing my Derren Brown in London story, we all bought tickets for a special train. It did three laps, I guess to make up for how dull the ride was, but we were all treated to views of extensive stinging nettles and various natural scenes at very least. Remember how I said I shave every two days and I never seem to shave when visiting my brother’s family? My sister in law asked if I had my fortnightly Papa John’s pizza yesterday, and I said ‘yes’. Then she said I always have pizza the day before seeing her and that she sees me in sync! I told you! After that my dad left to go back to his van and sort his van stuff out. Understandably, I chose to hang around my brother’s family as the children played in the play area. Much better. I shared my anecdotes about how rubbish the day was and that was basically the day out! So I guess…. bye!