Getting There Now! (Blog 498)

Simon: Hello, we’re really getting close to blog 500, now! I’m sure it will be very exciting. Getting everyone together, though? Not an easy task! Anyway, with me as I blog right now, I have the Dominant Egg! Charlie, would you like to explain why you’re looking so grumpy?

DE: It’s Wendy, my fiancé.

Simon: What about her?

DE: She’s had plastic surgery.

Simon: No way, when?

DE: About a year ago, now. Well before we met.

Simon: Is that a problem for you?

DE: I just feel like I’m living a lie.

Simon: But you like her personality, right?

DE: I guess. There are times when I think she’s a bit…

Simon: Yes?

DE: Not MENTAL, but annoying.

Simon: How so?

DE: Just the pranks…

Simon: The pranks?

DE: Yeah, she says stuff like ‘would you open the door for me? I’m too tired.’ Then I open the door and a plastic cup filled with water falls on me.

Simon: Wow.

DE: Yeah, the phone calls in the middle of the night when she just says ‘Boo!’ and hangs up? It’s just weird.

Simon: What 1 AM?

DE: Sometimes. Sometimes 2 AM, sometimes 3 AM.

Simon: Why?

DE: I don’t know! She once said to me ‘You know, Charlie, I feel very comfortable around you, I feel like I can do anything!’ I took that as a compliment until she threw water in my face shortly after.

Simon: Did you tell her not to do that again?

DE: Oh she wouldn’t listen.

Simon: I don’t mean to be rude, but this IS supposed to be a blog, not a conversation. Can you give me any tips on what to write about? I’m pretty stumped.

DE: What are you doing other than sitting by the computer and talking to me?

Simon: Nothing at all, that’s the problem. No, I can get a mini Peperami from the fridge. They’re mainly treats for the dogs, but I can most certainly buy more.

DE: Good?

Simon: Yes, after getting the snack from the fridge, I was careful not to let any chocolates fly out of it so the dogs didn’t eat them. Did you know chocolate is technically poisonous to people, too? You just have to eat tens of kilograms in one go. I have seen competitive eaters eat kilos of chocs, not tens, but damn close. As the saying goes ‘keep chocolates away from dogs, and in rare cases, competitive eaters.’

DE: I haven’t heard that saying before…

Simon: Well, it’s important for the chocolate eating world champion. If I can save one life, I’d be happy.

DE: How can you eat that much of the stuff in one go?

Simon: Well, they have stretchy stomachs, don’t they?

DE: There’s putting on a couple of pounds over a week, tens of kilograms in a few hours really is a few levels beyond that…

Simon: An excellent reward for someone just completing a marathon, though.

DE: No, that can’t be good for you.

Simon: Your body would wonder what’s going on, wouldn’t it?

DE: I would assume so. The runner’s digestion system would be like ‘Why so much running and eating?? Maybe the person in charge of me has chased after a huge meal. A huge meal almost completely made of fat and sugar? I wonder what it could be…’

Simon: I genuinely can’t think of a single animal made up of pretty much only sugar and fat. It would have to be some kind of alien…

DE: The tastiest alien of all time.

Simon: I sometimes think I’d like to be a competitive eater. The only thing I’d want to change are the rules giving me a time limit. Give me a whole day to eat a lot of pizza, and I’d be very happy. Why watch it? Well, it’s living vicariously, isn’t it?

DE: Yes, I completely agree because I watch that very same kind of thing!

Simon: Yeah, people would probably lose interest after 30 minutes or so, but you could spread the video out over a few days!

DE: Not a deep experience, but my God does it look tasty.

Simon: :)

DE: Can you think of anything to blog about, now?

Simon: Yes! I recently booked a doctor appointment to get my yearly check up out of the way and was asked if Wednesday would be ok. I said yes, but as I had Tuesday on my mind at the time of the call (as it’s the the of the London Comedy Writer’s Meeting), I kept saying ‘so the appointment is on Tuesday, then?’ over and over again, partially because of the OCD. You can imagine how that would have sounded, in the end the person on the phone got annoyed and said ‘no, Wednesday!!’

DE: Aren’t receptionists trained to withhold their frustration?

Simon: I think so. The thing is after making the call, I thought to myself ‘Did I actually make it clear what I wanted the checkup for?’ Last year I had three blood tests in one go but I never pointed that out when I talked to the receptionist. Consequently in my next appointment anything could happen. I’m going to have to call them again.

(A mobile phone rings)

DE: Your phone, Simon…

Simon: I know. Hello, who is it?

Caller: It’s Wendy! Boo!

DE: Oh God. Don’t tell her I’m here.

Simon: Why are you calling?

Caller: I just wanted to say…. booo!

Simon: Great, is that all?

Caller: Yes, is Charlie there? He’s been ignoring me.

Simon: Yes, he’s here right now!

DE: Hello, Wendy…

Caller: Boo!

DE: I guess… boo, to you…

Caller: Boobooboobooboo!

DE: Great, bye.

Simon: You have deeper conversations than that with her, right?

DE: Sometimes. The thing is, I never really know what I’m going to get with her. Sometimes she’s fun, if a little silly. Sometimes she’s caring, other times she just wants to call and say ‘boo’. You know?

Simon: I find it interesting you brought up the plastic surgery, first.

DE: It’s everything.

Simon: But the wedding is going ahead?

DE: Yes.

Simon: Looking forward to it?

DE: I guess, but… I don’t want her to cause a scene.

Simon: It’s not looking good is it?

DE: I worry she’ll say she’s the bride and I’m the booo.

Simon: ….

DE: I know you’re trying to stop yourself laughing.

Simon: Look, in ten year’s time you’ll be laughing too. You’ll both be laughing together and saying ‘boo’.

DE: If you say so.

Simon: I do. Anything else on your mind, Charlie?

DE: Nope, that’s it.

Simon: Well I certainly don’t have anything to say, so… bye!