Guildford Chilli and Cheese Fair! (Blog 457)

Yesterday, I went to a chilli fair in Guildford with my dad, my brother, sister in law and her three mini children! To start the day, we all browsed the chilli and cheese shop samples. I didn’t eat a huge amount of free food, but I did like the feeling of getting something for nothing. I’m not sure I felt PRIDE, that’s not the right word, but there was a satisfaction there. Maybe think the feeling of winning a small amount of money on a fruit machine, but without you spending a penny! Soon after that, I saw a sinister man wandering around who looked like he just came out of jail and… he had a parrot on his shoulder! I kid you not, I’m still trying to make sense of the situation. Maybe he was an illegal exotic bird dealer hiding in plain sight? Either that or he was mentally ill?? I’m just saying it was weird, that’s all. I then got a slice of chocolate fudge. Not chilli or cheese flavoured but I guess ‘chilli and cheese fair’ is nice and snappy. The more descriptive name of the fair would be ‘Guildford chilli, cheese, chocolate, ice cream, beer, cider, liquors, milkshake and slush puppy fair’, but that just isn’t effective. Although if one was able to remember that is an acronym maybe (e.g. Guildford CCICBCLMSP fair) I think that would sound more exciting. Is there a way or rearranging those letters in a way that sounds like a real word? The problem is there’s only one vowel so it isn’t really looking very good. ‘C-cic-bc-lmps’ sounds like the final mutterings of a dying man.

After THAT, I noticed some really evil looking, bright red chilli peppers that were on display, so I picked one up. I then got a lecture from the guy selling the things saying I should have asked for it. I mean why?? I never had to ask before in the other mini shops, how was I supposed to know I had to pay for that?? Luckily I’m slightly lacking in a conscience so I really wasn’t upset at all. The guy said I could have the pepper if I bought something else. Fine, I got some chilli sauce. Well my dad paid for it, he can have it I really don’t care. Anyway, I took a very small bite and it wasn’t so bad. After about ten seconds it was kinda spicy, and after about half a minute I was in a lot of pain. After a minute or so the pain stopped increasing which was something and my eyes were watering a lot! Apparently my face wasn’t red though which was also something. After about 4 minutes I was feeling back to normal. It’s hard to explain the appeal of the whole situation, I guess you could call it a challenge? However, unlike most challenges, you don’t really get anything out of it. Other than the appreciation of not being in pain maybe. That’s something, but I was left with a feeling of stupidity that other pain sufferers don’t necessarily feel, but they might. Oh yes, and I was told not to carry the chilli with my hands anymore as if I rubbed my eyes, it would really hurt. Why did I bring that up? I’ll get back to you.

After that I got a milkshake. As I’ve been spoilt for milkshakes in Staines, I was a little disappointed with what I got but it was ok. As I handled money to pay for the shake and I also handled the chilli, hopefully the person I bought the treat off didn’t end up rubbing my money in her eyes, otherwise she’d be in pain too. But that sounds weird, obviously, so I won’t worry. However… it doesn’t get much weirder than someone walking around with a parrot on him, so who knows what else could happen? I then made a note of all the preceding stuff so I didn’t forget. I could forget the shake I suppose, but the chilli? I’m not going to forget that quite so quickly. I then noticed I dropped my notes. Imagine if someone picked them up and read, and I quote ‘BROWSE CHEESE + SPICE. MAN WITH PARROT ON SHOULDERS. CHOC FUDGE. TOOK CHILLI AND GOT LECTURE. NIBBLED, 4 MINUTES OF PAIN. SHAKE’. It’s not Shakespeare is it? They’re the notes of a five year old and it would be embarrassing for me if someone knew I wrote them and read them.

After that stuff, we all noticed children jumping up and down on a bouncy floor and wearing straps so they could go really high nice and safely. Why was that just for children?? There is the potential for some genuine all age thrills, I think. I also saw a huge, four storey fun house that I wanted to check out too. Sadly I didn’t. I could have explained I wanted to take the children into the thing so they didn’t get lost, but they’re not my children so I left it. I enjoyed a curry hot dog and curry chips as one of the kids played in the massive fun house. Who was better off? Probably the child. Carrying on with the insane sugar binge, I then bought (or my dad did hahaha) a slush puppy for me. Weirdly it had a bit of a public swimming pool taste. When I explained that to my family, no one knew what I meant, but yeah, that was what I reminded of. It wasn’t advertised as being swimming pool flavoured, it was mango. Strange. As I was talking a little loudly to my family about the icy food, so I could make myself heard above all the hubbub, I’m sure other people may have been wary of trying it after me, but it wasn’t a bad taste really, just watery mixed with refreshing chemicals!

After that, we all sat on the grass and listened to the band playing. One of the songs went ‘fat bottom girls make the rocking world go around.’ What, is that an alternative theory to the flat Earth one or whatever? There are some people who have very funny views. If the world can be flat, I suppose it can indeed be spun by fat bottom girls. How? God knows. Another song went ‘Crazy horses! Crazy horses!’ etc. I always found that song annoying, so when my brother asked me if I liked the band at the same time the music played, I had to say ‘No’ which sounded rude. Again, I just don’t like the song, and of course, the other song didn’t make sense. Or did it? As a sugar binge finale ‘I’ bought a 99 ice cream… For £3.50. Unsurprisingly it wasn’t called a ’99’, I think it was just called a small ice cream with flake. I think there should still be 99s but they’re as big as your little finger. Keep the classic ice cream alive! After that was eaten, we all threw a soft toy around and caught it. It was ok I suppose. Not amazing, but better than nothing. That was basically the day out over, so we all went home. Nothing too spectacular a drive for the most part, although I did notice a car numberplate beginning with ‘HV’ and the same was the case for a car immediately by its side! And on that ultra cool note… Bye!