Guildford Imagination Land (Blog 529)

Ok, the Guildford chilli and cheese festival visit was cancelled so I can’t truly blog about it, but I can pretend I was there. In fact, I think my imagination alone will be better than the event itself. Before that though, I have to point out I shaved today. (On Sunday). As I mentioned a while ago, I shave every two days and I never seem to shave on the day I see my sibling. Of course I wouldn’t be going to the festival. I shaved. In fact, I’m so freaked out by the baffling connection between shaving and seeing my brother, I’ve recently started to make notes every time I see him to prove if there is indeed a pattern. I didn’t shave the last time I saw him, either. The time before that, though? I don’t know because I made no records. Very annoying. My brother hasn’t been noting every time I shave, has he? So he knows when and when not to visit me? If so, what in God’s name are his goals? Maybe he just prefers to see me when I have more stubble. There’s not necessarily anything sinister about that, it could just be a preference, that’s all. I also very often see my brother the day after eating a pizza and that’s not my imagination, my sister in law noted that. I don’t smell of pizza, do I? Maybe that’s why my brother wants to see me then.

Right, so I’m in Guildford with my brother’s family. The first thing I see there is a sign saying ‘Welcome, King Simon Wiedemann! Everything you see is now yours!’ I told you my imagination is better. Well it may seem to be better, if anything the sign made me feel slightly uncomfortable. I appreciate the gesture, though. Please no cheese though, I don’t like it. You know what? Should I really be sad about missing a festival dedicated to something I don’t like? Probably not, but my God am I in need of a break. No, pull yourself together. Right, also at the fair there are patches of light rain and Google confirms that. Ahhh, I’m there. Some people like the heat, I don’t get them. You know who I really don’t get, though? People who visit saunas. In fact, I heard a sauna championship had temperatures of 110 degrees celsius!!! Apparently one ex Finnish competitor (in hospital for obvious reasons) said he could have survived a good few more seconds before catching fire and he complained of dry mouth! Not my idea of fun. (And that’s true!)

I mean I think 35 degrees is very hot, but when I felt 40 degrees it was a massive difference, it was like being in an oven. So 110 degrees??? Are you insane??? Anyway, I’m in Guildford and am enjoying the light rain and gifts. All of a sudden, the mayor of Guildford approaches me and offers me his job. Now I’m really uncomfortable, but when I ask if I have to do anything, the guy says ‘no’ and I take the offer. The town declines in every way possible very shortly after, but people only congratulate me more. Sounds like I’m a narcissist with such fantasies, doesn’t it? Yeah, not when you consider how caring I am. Not only that, I eat all the chillies effortlessly and prove how much of a badass I am. I’m still not over the London Comedy Writers Christmas party where I could have very easily completed a chilli curry/chilli hotdog etc. eating challenge, I just wasn’t hungry enough as I ate a pizza beforehand. Everyone in the party may have forgotten about that, I haven’t.

Ok, I’m going to stop writing about Guildford as it’s making me depressed and thus my imagination has failed. What I’m really picturing are thousands of people having great times. FOMO. And me being made mayor? It’s crazy. Although if I was mayor, I would call the place ‘Chilli and Cheese Town’. It may sound silly and that’s the point. Lighten up! It’s certainly what I need to do. It’s an accurate name, too. ‘Guild’ means ‘a medieval association of craftsmen’ and ‘ford’ is a car. So the town is named after a medieval car manufacturer? Pull the other one. It’s like calling London ‘King Arthur’s Ferrari Town’. Ohhhh, I see. King Arthur drove a Ferrari one and a half thousand years ago, ooook! At least call the place ‘Mini Golf Land’, as you can actually play the sport, there I THINK all year round. Chilli and Cheese Town is flawed as the event only lasts two days, but yeah, better than calling it the guild of Ford.

Talking of using my imagination, A.I. can kind of do the same thing now. By that I mean I’ve seen someone on Youtube come up with the idea of a college student trying to find purpose in life or something like that, and A.I. did the rest by making a whole song about the subject which lyrics and instrumentations. The song sounded reasonable enough, but why not come up with a crazy topic? Why not make artificial intelligence write a pop song about a little girl with a machine gun battling aliens? That’s a track I’d really want to listen to. It doesn’t have to be pop, either. Jazz your thing? No problem! It’s quite possible there is a progressive rock song about the armed girl already, though. With the genre being more epic than other forms, I mean. A.I. could probably come with a whole novel about the idea. No! It’s mine! I call it ‘Better than my Current Situation’. And it is better with all the adventure and all. And on that sad note… Bye!