Insane Super Duper Ultra Crazy Mental Mega Blog! (Blog 500)

Simon: Hello and welcome to the super mega event that is blog 500!

Janine Georgopoulos: I have a bomb!

Simon: Now, now, Janine. Don’t do anyihing foolish…

Dr. Tube: Yes, exactly. Janine, don’t throw your whole life away. Don’t do it… friend.

James: Yes! We can work this out together!

Janine: No only joking. April fools!

Simon: April fools??

Janine: Got you!

Simon: But… it’s not April…

Janine: It will be soon…

Simon: I’m planning to spend a few days on this blog, maybe. Not about 2 months. And even if I did, you should have done the bomb hoax towards the very end of this blog.

Janine: Whoops.

James: She still got you, though.

Dr Tube: Have you made bomb threats before?

Janine: Errrrr…

Dr Tube: I’ll take that as a yes, then.

Janine: You know how in Fight Club everyone beat everyone up to feel better? It was like that. Deep down they wanted the bomb threat. To help them with their pain.

Dr Tube: Do you know what ‘cognitive distortion’ means?

Janine: No…

Dr Tube: Google it on your phone.

Janine: Alright, I will…

James: To pass the time, let’s all reflect on how nice it is, living in safety and peace.

Janine: Yes, you wouldn’t have done that before my bomb threat.

Dr Tube: Found the meaning yet, Janine?

Janine: I have and I disagree.

Dr Tube: You don’t think you have any cognitive distortions?

Janine: I like you, you’re a friendly doctor. Is that what you mean by a cognitive distortion?

Dr Tube: I’m warning you.

Simon: Anyway, as this is a super mega blog, there are SO many other people I would like to welcome! Next up is the world famous Charlie Baldwin and his egg fiancé, Wendy Roland!

Wendy: Boooo!

Janine: We’re very similar, you do know that, don’t you Wendy?

Wendy: How so?

Janine: We’re both mental…

Wendy: How did you know I was mental?

Janine: Stories get around, you know? Saying ‘boo’ to everyone you meet? Phoning businesses and saying ‘boo’? I was just like you once, but then I got bored with saying ‘boo’. I kept needing to do things even more extreme and look at me now.

Wendy: What did you do in-between saying boo and making bomb threats?

Janine: I called a radio station. The host asked ‘what song would you like me to play?’ and then I said booooo’ for three minutes straight. It was explained there was no song with that name and the host complained that a song could have been played during the booing time, and the record labels associated with the show would now be mad with him.

Wendy: lol.

Janine: I’m just saying don’t let things get out of hand.

Wendy: Ok.

Charlie: The Wendy Roland bomb threat scandal? I won’t let it happen!

Wendy: Boo. I mean I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Janine: That’s good to hear.

Simon: Anyway, let’s liven things up even more with ten random words found online! How about we all rank them in order of preference?? That should be good! I’ll go first…

10th: Trench (Who wants to be in WW1 right?)

9th: Panic

8th: Plot

7th: Corruption

6th: Copy (I don’t have to worry about this so much as you have to wonder why anyone would copy me).

5th: Coincide (A rather meh word)

4th: Flag (As is that)

3rd: Flower (Ahhh flowers!)

2nd: Mind (You have to value your mind)

1st: Pleasure

Dr. Tube: You know what that list says to me?

Simon: What?

Dr. Tube: Not much. I actually thought it came across as relatively normal.

Simon: I don’t believe you.

Dr. Tube: Yeah, maybe I need to hone my skills more. Clearly, you’re not normal.

Simon: Anyway, ranking the words was hard, because I mean… who’s the corruption from? Me? If so, it’s not so bad.

Dr. Tube: But of course. Anyway, here’s my list.

10th: Trench (Yep, I agree with you there, Simon).

9th: Panic

8th: Corruption (I seem to dislike corruption more that you, though).

7th: Plot

6th: Copy

5th: Coincide

4th: Flag

3rd: Flower

2nd: Pleasure

1st: Mind (it has to come first).

James: Do me, do me!

Simon: No, you do it…

James; Oh. Ok, here goes!

10th: Flower (Stupid flowers).

9th: Panic

8th: Trench

7th: Coincide

6th: Flag

5th: Plot (I have to say Dan really does plot against me a lot and I don’t like it at all).

4th: Mind

3rd: Copy (I copy Simon and I don’t mind. Great guy).

2nd: Pleasure

1st: Corruption

Dr. Tube: No, that list was grossly strange…

James: Are you sure?

Dr. Tube: No, that’s a list of a crazy person.

James: Why?

Dr. Tube: For one thing, I don’t understand why you hate flowers so much. But valuing corruption over pleasure? That’s not right…

Simon: I don’t think you copy me THAT much, James.

James: How so?

Simon: I mean… as the doc pointed out, you REALLY like corruption.

Janine: I like corruption, too. Let me try the list…

10th: Panic

9th: Trench

8th: Plot

7th: Coincide

6th: Flag

5th: Copy (I copy Wendy and I love it!)

4th: Mind

3rd: Corruption (If making bomb hoaxes isn’t a form of corruption, I don’t know what is, lol!)

2nd: Pleasure

1st: Flower (I AM a woman after all).

Dr. Tube: I understand how you’re a woman, but you shouldn’t like flowers more than your mind. It’s actually very important you take care of it.

Janine: But at least I like flowers more than corruption?

Dr. Tube: Yes, you can do better than James, he’s not going anywhere in life.

James: That’s not true, I have a radio station and lots of sponsors who absolutely love alliteration.

Simon: Yes, speaking of sponsors, let’s have an ad break now…

Advert: This is Derek’s Dresses!

Dr. Tube: Oh dear God no.

Advert: Do YOU like the thought of wearing stylish dresses for little girls? Even if you’re not a little girl? Maybe you’re James? Well it doesn’t matter at all, all that matters is being talk of the town! Buy Derek’s dresses!

Charlie: Anyway, let me do the list…

10th: Panic (I completely get you there, everyone).

9th: Trench

8th: Plot

7th: Coincide

6th: Flag

5th: Corruption (Ok, ok, I do admit to losing my temper and hitting people but not for fun, and I am talking to someone about that).

4th: Copy (I do admit copying my acting style from heroes such as Clint Eastwood and Marlon Brando).

3rd: Flower (That’s a nice flower for you, Wendy. My favourite egg, my world, my boo).

2nd: Mind

1st: Pleasure

Dr. Tube: I congratulate your opening up to mental health professionals, but you have a long way to go…

Charlie: What do you mean?

Dr. Tube: You rank pleasure too highly. You’re still all about the party lifestyle and it’s bad for your health.

Charlie: I’ve quit drinking…

Dr. Tube: Ok. Just be careful, that’s all.

Wendy: It’s my turn!

10th: Panic (Yeah, who likes to panic, really?)

9th: Trench (War is bad, egg wars are bad, too. Egg wars are not comical, those who say otherwise are sick).

8th: Plot

7th: Coincide

6th: Flag

5th: Copy (I copy Janine and I love it! I’m actually copying her ranking!)

4th: Mind

3rd: Corruption (Is it corrupt if I spam forums by saying ‘boo!’ over and over again? Google says the word means dishonest or fraudulent. Well, I’m not sure how saying ‘boo’ fits into THAT criteria, but it is annoying. Oh I know what I do that’s corrupt - pouring paint on the other eggs so they couldn’t beat me in the beauty contest. I know it’s bad, but it had to be done).

2nd: Pleasure

1st: Flower (I like flowers a lot, too).

Dr. Tube: I want to get to the bottom of this. When you say you value flowers more than anything else, even your mind. What do you mean by that?

Wendy: Errr… A little help, Janine?

Dr. Tube: Don’t ask Janine, I’m asking you.

Wendy: You don’t find it ladylike?

Dr. Tube: Honestly? I’d say you were insane.

Wendy: Oh. Good.

Simon: Let’s invite more people into the room! I should point out it’s a very big room!

(A door is heard opening and closing).

Simon: Ah, Super Ziegler, Super Georgopoulos and Dr. Shake. You’ve only had very small roles in this website, but I did promise to let you be a part of it, so please take a seat.

Super Ziegler: Hello, boo.

Super Janine: Booooo.

Simon: And hello to you, too.

Dr. Shake: Thank you for having me.

Dr. Tube: Hello, Dr. Shake, I’ve always wanted to speak to you.

Dr. Shake: Here I am…

Dr. Tube: Mr. Shake, with all due respect, you cannot repeat CANNOT call yourself a doctor if you want to and do kill people with the milkshakes you sell. In fact, I’d call you a very, VERY bad doctor.

Dr. Shake: Well… to THAT I have to say… screw you.

Dr. Tube: You see, that’s simply not the language of a trained mental health professional.

Dr. Shake: What should I have said? You’re a muppet?

Dr. Tube: No, you should have given my evidence proving you’re a good doctor. Simon, make him rank the words. I bet he comes across as completely insane.

Simon: Ok, Mr. Shake. You have the words ‘Panic, trench, plot, coincide, flag, copy, mind, corruption, pleasure and flower. Rank them from worst to best.

Dr. Shake: Ok, I will.

10th: Flower

9th: Mind (If I listened to reason, I wouldn’t be where I am, today).

8th: Coincide

7th: Flag

6th: Copy

5th: Pleasure

4th: Plot (Ah, the plot of killing all my customers).

3rd: Trench (Ah, the thought of all the trench foot).

2nd: Corruption (My God am I corrupt).

1st: Panic (Ah, the feeling of panic one gets when they can’t stop drinking my shakes and they know something is wrong).

Dr. Tube: You really are a scumbag, aren’t you? I’ll say it again, if you really are a doctor, you are beyond terrible. I notice you said ‘ah’ a lot. Do you consider yourself a thoughtful person?

Dr. Shake: Are you trying to be funny?

Simon: At least he did something different and put panic first. A weird move, but in a way it was refreshing. I like how he’s indifferent to flags and things that coincide, too.

Dr. Tube: It’s interesting how we all agree flags are better than things that coincide. I wonder why that is.

Dr. Shake: Flags look cool…

Dr. Tube: There we go, a lunatic has solved the puzzle.

Super Ziegler: Can I take the test?

Simon: No, it’s getting old. Anyway, it’s extremely easy to come across as mental when taking it. I wouldn’t recommend it.

Super Georgopoulos: I own a nuclear weapon.

Simon: There we go, then. It’s not recommended taking the test. Anyway, let’s spice this special event up with some jokes. Why didn’t the dough move?

James: Why?

Simon: It was bread.

James: Is all dough bread?

Simon: Yes, that’s the tragedy.

Regular Georgopoulos: Do you have a joke that’s less depressing?

Simon: Sure. What element do you get when an ice cream holder acts goofy?

RG: What?

Simon: Silly cone.

RG: I actually think you’re a bit of a silly cone.

Simon: I guess thank you? I don’t know how to respond.

RG: It was meant as a compliment. Like silly sausage.

Simon: Is that a compliment, technically speaking?

RG: It was meant in a nice way, there you go.

Simon: Ok. Next up is: Why did the activated tin fire? Can you guess? You’ll like this one, Dr. Shake.

Dr. Shake: Errrr… Because… it was evil?

Simon: It was a can, on!

Dr. Shake: I did like that!

Simon: Yes, very warlike.

RG: Not in a threatening way, though.

Simon: Exactly. Tins firing? If that offends you, you do need to man up. Fortunately, doing so is very easy. Listen to Hammer Smashed Face by Cannibal Corpse, and you’re ready to lay down bricks and go partying with your beer drinking buddies, just like that.

RG: Either that or attack them in some way…

Simon: Yes, CC lyrics are needlessly violent, aren’t they?

Wendy: The band needs flowers!

Simon: Chrysanthemum Corpse!

Wendy: Or Cannibal Chrysanthemum…

Simon: In a WAY that’s brutal…

Wendy: Death metal with a little more depth…

Simon: Yes. Anyway, let’s spice things up with an apology!

Wendy: Oh God, not another one.

Simon: I am so sorry to Metallica/Betallica for making them seem like money obsessed freaks, who aren’t happy with their many millions of pounds, so they apparently work in music shops/pet stores to get extra cash. Maybe when on the train home from a gig (because they don’t want to waste money on petrol guzzling super cars) they could work as ticket inspectors. No only joking, the REAL reason the musicians did extra work was because they genuinely thought they were poor. A bit of a dumb mistake as they live in mansions, but I guess that shows they’re human. ‘Wow, how can Kirk play such sick solos? He must practice 23 hours a day!’ Well, his sick licks come at a cost, the cost being a significant mental disability. It’s not so different to billionaire Bill Gates working in a music shop to get extra money. That would be very greedy too, but I suppose there would be an extra security risk as well. Bill leaving his body guards just so he can get an extra £10 an hour or so? Something’s wrong.

(A door is heard opening and closing).

Simon: Don’t worry about all of the prior misunderstandings though, as I have James Hatfield and Kirk Spammit with me right now to clear everything up! Please take a seat!

Kirk: Thank you for having me.

James: Likewise.

Simon: I was just explaining how humiliating it must have been for you when you worked in shops to get extra money because you thought you were poor. But of course you’re not poor and everyone who saw you thought you were exceptionally greedy.

Kirk: Yes, that was pretty bad but on the plus side I made at least £100, that I will spend on therapy and a curry.

Simon: Ever thought of filming the therapy session, Kirk?

Kirk: No, why?

Simon: Then James could watch it so he doesn’t need to go. Then he can save some money, we all know how appealing that is to him.

James Hatfield: Excuse me?

Simon: No, only joking. What will you spend the money on, James?

James: I’m not sure. Maybe a thinking cap? How much do they cost?

Simon: I don’t know. If they work as well as I think they do, I’d say they were pretty expensive. You must hate that. How about buying a pink dress?

James: Eh?

Simon: Here’s a word from my sponsor!

Advert: Even heavy metal musicians can wear dresses for little girls, you know? Buy Derek’s Dresses!

Kirk: I’m sorry, what’s that a sponsor for? I’m confused.

Simon: I should explain I’m getting paid every time I click on one of those buttons in front of me saying ‘Derek’s Dresses’. Look, I’ll press it again…

Advert: Keep arguing with a guy called James Ziegler? Buy Derek’s Dresses!

Simon: I was supposed to press that after getting into an argument with Mr. Ziegler, here.

James Ziegler: You’re an idiot.

Advert: Keep arguing with a guy called James Ziegler? Buy Derek’s Dresses!

James Hatfield: Oh yeah.

Simon: Right! So we can all argue even more, I will be inviting the bandleaders of two bands into this room who hate each other. One musician is from death metal band ‘Ziegler’ the other is from black metal band ‘Tormentis Ultra! It should be great! Come in!

(A door opens and closes)

Death metal star: Hello, Simon!

Black metal star: May darkness always be with you, friend.

Simon: It should be explained that neither of the two prior people are very well known at all, but a while ago now when noting down ideas for this blog 500 ultra blog, I thought it would be nice to catch up with them, again. You may remember them for coming up with reaaaaally pretentious song titles. Like ‘The conference, the gathering and the assembly of the incensed and seething Cerberus’.

BMS: An outstanding piece of music.

Simon: Why not shorten the title to ‘Conference of the seething Cerberus’?

BMS: What do you mean?

Simon: I’m just saying, conference, gathering and assembly mean the same thing, you do know that right? Seething also means incensed.

BMS: I don’t believe you.

Simon: What do you think the song means?

BMS: Well, I didn’t really think it mattered. My songs are just me going ‘Aaaaaaargh!!!!’

Simon: It matters now. It’s coming across as you don’t know what your own songs mean…

BMS: Darkness. They mean darkness.

DMS: Between you and me, i don’t know what my songs mean. ‘Execration of the aggrieved Cerberus’? What’s that about?

James Ziegler: Why did you name your band after me?

DMS: Because it’s controversial.

JZ: What’s that mean?

DMS: Who in their right mind would want to be associated with you? It would be chilling.

JZ: Oh I’m chilling as well, now?

BMS: Not as chilling as me!

Kirk: Spam, spam, spam.

James Hatfield: Money!

Janine: Bombs!

Dr. Tube: This is less of a special event and more insanity.

Simon: Yes, to lighten the mood, I thought I recognised an actor on TV. I watched a couple of very old films for a few minutes, and noticed they both had the same star in it. Oh, if only I could remember his name… El Sharif? Then when I was at the gym, it came to me! Omar Sharif!

Dr. Tube: And how is that lightening the mood?

Simon: I’m just saying, he was a real star. Not like Kirk who just spams people all the time and thinks it’s cool because no one has ever bothered to tell him how he REALLY comes across. And the less said about the black and death metal bands, the better.

Kirk: How do I come across, then?

Simon: A bit of a… a bit of a…

Kirk: Yes?

Simon: Prick.

Kirk: Well…

Simon: What?

Kirk: Spam.

Simon: Ok, here’s something strange. There’s a link you can click on in gmail that says ‘Have you forgotten your password?’ or whatever. How can you possibly forget your password when gmail has an option that allows you to see it?? You click in the space your password gets typed and it’s right there in front of you automatically. What’s the big mystery? And speaking of mysteries, here’s a word from another of this show’s sponsors!

Advert: Have you ever lost a spoon? Have you been wondering why someone or some people have been dumping spoons up and down the country? Well wonder no more with Stan’s Spoon Tracker! With the power of A.I., my product can find any lost utensil and even tell you who dumped it by analysing DNA! The deluxe version of the product has an A.I. feature that psychologically analyses the motive of the littering. That’s Stan’s Spoon Tracker, in stores now!

Simon: James Ziegler, you’ve gone bright red.

JZ: I’m in big trouble.

Simon: I’m sorry?

JZ: No, I meant A.I. is very much in its infancy now. The spoon tracker probably doesn’t even work. I bet it even blames spoon dumpings on me!

Simon: It’s interesting that you say that, because actually I have a spoon tracker on me now, look I’ll show you.

JZ: Well… How about that?

Simon: You look genuinely scared.

JZ: I’m not scared, I’m bright red because I’m highly sceptical.

Simon: Well, let’s at least try the spoon tracker. Spoon tracker, in your expert opinion, who is responsible for most of the recent spoon dumpings?

Spoon tracker: James Ian Zack Ziegler.

Simon: Wow. Are you sure?

Spoon tracker: 100%

Simon: James, would you like to prove your innocence?

JZ: Yes, give me the spoon tracker. I want to make sure its honesty feature was turned on.

Simon: Well ok, but I really don’t think it has such a feature. I think it’s always honest.

(A snapping sound is heard)

Simon: Ah. You’ve broken the thing.

JZ: I didn’t break it, it was broken already.

Simon: I see. Anywho, let’s welcome in two more people, those being the Sauce Boy and the Kamikaze Popo.

(A door opens and closes)

Simon: Please take a seat…

JZ: Is that your catchphrase now? You keep saying that.

Simon: What would you say to someone who needs to sit down? Oh don’t tell me, you’d say ‘Please don’t call the police. Because I’ve very clearly been dumping spoons all over the country.’

JZ: That doesn’t make sense…

Simon: Anyway, it’s good to have you two here, you really are some of the only people I know who are based on number plates. There are a few of you around, just not many. I was just wondering… how’s it feel not having parents in the traditional sense? Do you feel lonely?

KP: I DO have parents, I’ve just never met them.

SB: Exactly.

Simon: No, I’m fairly sure your parents were simply number plates. Charlie Baldwin was made up by a random word generator, would you like to talk to him? You clearly have a lot in common.

CB: Not THIS again!

Simon: Look Charlie, have you ever met your dad? Because I don’t think you have. Is that why you party almost constantly? So you can forget reality?

CB: I party constantly because I’m fun. Not because I’m depressed.

Simon: And why do you hit people? Is that because you’re fun?

CB: It’s fun for me.

Simon: What??

CB: No, no! That’s not what I meant!

Simon: What did you mean, then?

Wendy: Look, Charlie is just letting the pressure of this mega blog get to him, he’s really sweet most of the time!

CB: Thank you, booboo.

Wendy: See? That’s what I mean!

SB: I’ve hit someone…

KP: Me too. Even though I’m a policeman.

Simon: Sounds like a pattern to me. The pattern of being angry because you were simply made up by someone.

CB: Pseudo-psychiatry nonsense.

Simon: Out of curiosity, do YOU party hard, Sauce Boy and the Kamikaze Popo?

SB: I party like there’s no tomorrow.

KP: I’m wilder than a rabid dog.

Simon: See, Charlie? These people get you.

CB: Pure coincidence.

Simon: Oh yeah? Well, I’m about to turn on some strobe lighting and it is my prediction that out of all the people and eggs here, it will only be you and the two number plate people who go wild. Ok, I’ve turned it on…. now!

(Crazy techno music plays)

Simon (shouting over the music): Just as I thought! You three really are going mental, aren’t you?! Everyone else is just staring at you!

CB: Paaaaaarty!!!!!!

Simon: Ok, that’s enough!

(The music stops)

CB: You can’t let me have any fun, can you?

Simon: I would love to keep the music on, but there are issues with royalties. The sad truth is Derek’s Dresses have very few customers and can only pay me so much.

CB: Well, they wouldn’t have many, wouldn’t they?

JZ: I like them.

Simon: James, you’ll be relieved to hear few people have interest in buying the spoon tracker, as well.

JZ: Really?? Oh thank God.

Simon: Yes, but you’ve clearly incriminated yourself, just then.

JZ: No, I’m just relieved people won’t be wasting their money on such a pile of trash. That’s all.

Simon: I find that interesting, as I’ve never seen you concerned about people wasting their money…

JZ: Oh no, no. It hurts me, deep down inside.

Simon: Ok. Now I have someone on the phone! Hello? Is that Pierre?

Pierre: Bonjour!

Simon: Yes, I just wanted to say… sorry for trying to make you say ‘lol’ all the time. In the letter to one of your lecturers.

Pierre: lol.

Simon: That’s the spirit! Seriously though, it was weird of me.

Pierre: lol.

Kirk: Spam. Spam, spam, spam!

Simon: Ah, Pierre and Kirk Spammit, friends for life.

Pierre: lol.

Simon: Look, Pierre, what I’ve been trying to say is saying ‘lol’ all the time isn’t really appropriate. And for that I apologise. If you stopped saying ‘lol’? I’d very much appreciate it.

Pierre: …

JZ: Ah, icy silence. I know it well.

Simon: Pierre, you CAN still say other words. Just not ‘lol’…

Pierre: Tres bien.

Simon: Brilliant. So… have anything on your mind?

Pierre: Oui.

Simon: And that is?

Pierre: Discotheques.

Simon: Ah, discos. Well I’m sorry but you’ve just missed the party. Luckily for you though, it wasn’t very good.

Pierre: Merci. Au revoir.

Simon: Well, what a nice guy. Hard to talk to, but friendly at the same time. Now as a break from all this arguing, here’s a computer updating anecdote! So, I clicked on the download recently, waited a few hours and that was that.

JZ: I don’t believe you.

Simon: It’s true, it was unbelievably easy. It didn’t really even waste my time either, as a lot of the downloading was done in my sleep. Getting the download alert did spoil my night sure, as I like to chill out after the gym for a couple of hours or so by watching Youtube, but I practiced guitar as I watched TV instead and all and all, it wasn’t bad.

JZ: THAT’S inspiring.

Simon: Yeah, it was a smaller download that my last one though, so I still fear getting the dreaded notifications in case I have to download something a little more intense, but I think if I ignore the chaos that is ultra pixelated computer screens, completely wrong ‘download times’, error messages telling me my computer will be restarting, and just wait a little I should be fine.

JZ: Computer restarting messages? Isn’t that what you got when your computer was broken and you had to get it fixed?

Simon: The very same. Scary stuff. I did get up in the middle of the night to check on my computer which was annoying, and consequently I needed exactly 6 minutes more sleep than usual, but it was a sleep filled with relief.

Kirk: Spam.

Simon: Oh not you again. You had to ruin my buzz, didn’t you?

Kirk: Your buzz?

Simon: Yes, my buzz. I probably don’t have to update my computer for a good few weeks now, but you had to spoil everything by saying ‘spam’.

JZ: I do get you, Kirk.

Kirk: Thank you. I’m actually a long time fan of your podcast and radio show. Has it ever been pointed out to you that they’re both more or less exactly the same thing?

JZ: Well, my radio show doesn’t have Ben or Dan…

Simon: It’s interesting you mention them, because here they are now! Come in, Ben and Dan!

JZ: You really have a whole load of people outside of this room waiting to come in? Who’s idea was that?

Simon: I do indeed and it was mine. Don’t worry, they have all the pizza in the world.

JZ: Is that how you reward everyone?

Simon: Yes.

(A door opens and closes)

Simon: Please take a seat!

Dan: James!

JZ: Yes?

Dan: I’m going to kill you!

Simon: Stop hitting him, Dan!

JZ: Ow!

Simon: And now the Dominant Egg is hitting James and Dan, presumably for no real reason at all…

DE: Rumble!

Simon: You’re supposed to control yourself, Charlie! All the work you’ve put into your mental health? It’s going down the drain!

DE: I don’t care!

Dr. Tube: This ends now!

Simon: You have to stop them!

Ben: He’s not worth it, Dan!

Dr. Tube: Think calming thoughts, Charlie… Calming thoughts…

DE: I think… I think it’s working.

Simon: Great, Charlie has stopped fighting. Now break up James and Dan… Oh God, James Hatfield and Kirk Spammit are fighting, too!

Dr. Tube: Dan, imagine you’re hitting Ben. James, imagine you’re hitting someone YOU like, whoever that is, Mr. Hatfield and Mr. Spammit? Imagine you’re hitting money.

Wendy: Great they’ve all stopped…

Simon: Well that was mental. How about I change the subject for a while and after that, everyone should have calmed down.

Dr. Tube: A great idea.

Simon: I once saw a Youtube video where someone put a massive wasp in a net, then a glass container, then a net again, then the guy stung himself with the wasp on purpose, then put the wasp back in the glass container then let it go free. Wouldn’t the wasp be thinking something like ‘What’s going on?…’

Dr. Tube: Wasps can recognise human faces…

Simon: Well I’m sure the captured wasp won’t be forgetting HIM. Also, I’d expect the insect

would have a very distorted view of people in general after the event.

Dr. Tube: Bitter sweet…

Simon: Oh definitely, a real rollercoaster of emotions. Has everyone calmed down, now?

CB: I… I think so.

Dan: Sure.

JH: Yip.

Kirk: Spam.

Simon: Great. Pop Francis? Are you there?? Would you like to join the show?

(A door opens and closes)

Pop Francis: Howdy.

Simon: Please sit down.

PF: Ok…

Simon: Sadly you missed the mini disco as well. I know how much you like pop music.

PF: Darn.

Simon: However… I also know how much you like popping balloons, so I have a few for you to pop!

JZ: THAT’S why there are balloons and needles, here!

Simon: There you go.

PF: Oh my word! I am so excited!

Simon: I’m happy for you.

(Popping noises are heard)

PF: Fantastic!

Simon: Would you like to offer some spiritual guidance to James Ziegler, Dan, the Dominant Egg, James Hatfield and Kirk Spammit? They’ve stopped fighting, but I worry they’ll start again.

PF: Just learn to love, that’s all.

Simon: Simple, but effective. And a bit mushy. Speaking of mushiness, I guess you’ll be getting Charlie and Wendy married soon? I bet you’ve never given an egg wedding, have you?

PF: No, when I first heard of the idea, I thought it was a joke.

CB: I get that all the time.

Wendy: Me too, me too.

PF: You’re kind and that’s all that matters.

Simon: No, you’ve just missed him fighting…

PF: Was it a kind fight?

Simon: What’s that mean?

PF: It means nothing. Sorry.

Simon: Personally I would have pointed out how the fight is now over and how positive that is.

PF: There you go. Well done, Charlie.

CB: Thank you.

Simon: Would you like another joke?

CB: Go on…

Simon: Why was the part of the crazy tool listened to?

PF: Why?

Simon: It was a piece of mad vice.

PF: Good one.

Simon: Thanks. This one is more specialist, only people familiar with Thorpe Park will get it.

PF: And what is that?

Simon: Where do trashy people ride rollercoasters?

PF: Where?

Simon: Scum Thorpe.

PF: And you have to have heard of Scunthorpe, too.

Simon: Yes, a play on words!

PF: People could assume you’re calling everyone from Scunthorpe ‘scum’…

Simon: That would be bad. I get a lot of material out my apology monologues, though. I’ve done 27!

PF: Well you should make that 28…

Simon: Right, we have just a few more people to invite in this room and the event will be over!

CB: It’s been a good’n.

Simon: Thanks. Come in!

(A door opens)

Simon: Right! Knitter Goblin, Dadbert Clifton, Zenobia Burton and Harvey Dickinson, please take a seat!

Knitter Goblin: Thanks for having me! I thought you’d forgotten about me!

Simon: Not at all! My jumper I’m wearing right now? It was made by you!

Dr. Tube: I wondered why you were wearing clothes with a picture of a goblin on. I thought you were trying to say something.

Simon: Nope, just appreciating quality clothing, that’s all.

Knitter Goblin: You’re too kind.

Simon: Warm, comfy and stylish, too? The picture of the goblin raises questions clearly, but Lord of the Rings fans? They love it! Dadbert and Zenobia, would you like to explain your obsession with swordsmanship and getting the younger generations into swords?

Dadbert: Yes, when I was approached by Zenobia for the first time, I was confused obviously, but I did feel kinda special when he singled me out to be the next sword master. In the end, I realised it was for the best if I made other people learn the techniques of the weapon as well.

Simon: Would you like to explain your reasoning?

Dadbert: Sure. Didn’t someone once say ‘I don’t know what weapons WW3 will be fought with, but WW4 will be fought with sticks and stones’. Well, what’s better than sticks and stones? A sword!

Simon: You’re saying you hope WW3 happens, so in WW4 you’ll have the best weapon and you’ll know how to use it properly?

Dadbert: No, but dammit I would look cool if that does happen.

Zenobia: We both have some seriously sick moves.

Simon: Weren’t you both born many hundreds of years ago now? I think your time travelling abilities are more impressive than your sick moves…

Zenobia: Oh the time travelling was nothing, really. We just got stuck in 2025 after taking a wrong turn. Could have happened to anyone.

Simon: No, I disagree. I’ve actually NEVER heard of that happening.

Zenobia: You’ve been lost, right?

Simon: Of course.

Zenobia: Well times that by about 100.

Simon: You’re saying that people with exceptionally poor senses of direction can visit the future?

Zenobia: I’m confident.

Simon: Yet, you teach the way of the sword, instead? I’m still confused. I mean… I’ve seen you wield a sword and all you do is spin it round and round over and over again.

Dadbert: How dare you! He’s the finest swordsman of all time!

Simon: Sadly, I’d say the exact same to you. If I were you, I’d fear people will sticks and stones.

Dadbert: It’s interesting you say that, because Zenobia did get mugged by people with sticks even when he had his sword with him.

Zenobia: Yes, that’s true. BUT I was caught completely off guard.

Dadbert: And when he showed me his sick moves, then I thought to myself ‘I can learn something, here.’

Simon: How to spin swords?

Dadbert: Mmhm.

Simon: Ok, and lastly we have Harley Davidson riding, jelly baby philanthropist Harvey Dickinson. Would you like to explain why you give people jelly babies after stalking and harassing them?

HD: …

Simon: Well?

HD: …

Simon: You just keep staring through me in silence.

HD: Jelly baby?

Simon: Sure.

HD: Good?

Simon: Yeah, not bad.

HD: No problem.

Simon: So… the explanation?

HD: …

Simon: More silence. Maybe Dr. Tube would like to offer his thoughts?

Dr. Tube: I can tell you this much, he likes jelly babies!

Simon: That’s your diagnosis?

Dr. Tube: Without me interviewing him, it’s very hard to give a diagnosis. Harvey, what’s going on with you?

HD: ….

Dr. Tube: Well?

HD: Jelly baby?

Simon: Well, would you look at the time? It is now time to end this fabulous ridiculous mega blog! Posted almost exactly on my blog’s 8th anniversary!

Everyone else in the blog: Byeeeeeeeeee!

Simon: Wow, the loudest and most contributed to ‘bye’ in the whole of this site’s history!! You should all be proud! Except you, Harvey, you’re creepy.

Everyone else: Wooooooo!

Simon: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!