Mad Hair Cut Escapades! (Blog 515)

I’m typing on a Friday and tomorrow I’ll be getting my hair cut! A hair cut on blog 515, which is exactly the same as 515.0, 515.0 is similar to 5150, and all fans of Van Halen will know 5150 is the code for the criminally insane. The band seems to have misunderstood the code, thinking it means something cool as they released a fun sounding album of the same name. Actually it’s not cool to be around insane people, it’s an unpleasant situation for all involved, it’s certainly not a party as the musicians clearly think. I mean what’s a party about someone screaming ‘GOD TOLD ME TO KILL YOU, HAHAHA!’?? I’ll bring the beers. Anyway, I don’t want the barber to go crazy on me. The tool for shaving hair is one concern, but my biggest worry are the scissors. Oh great an instrument like a knife, but with TWO blades. No, why not cut my hair with a mini gun, that would be good, rather like the one used in Terminator 2. Wow, an armed hairdresser, with the delusional belief he’s a robot from the future, I’m never going there again…

Maybe if I don’t mention the number I won’t trigger any unwanted situations. The thing is, he often asks me what I’ve been up to. Well, there’s an awkward conversation for you. ‘What have I been up to? Well, I’ve been blogging about you going crazy, thinking you’re a terminator and you going on the rampage with a mini gun. That’s cool, right?’ I can just say I’ve been playing guitar, which is true, I have but nowhere near as much as I’ve been slandering you. On a different note but still ever so slightly slandering, I’ve just read the news headline ‘Suspected glitch sees 100% price cuts on some Co-op products’. That’s a good deal, isn’t it? But a bit dumb. A rival of the fish and chips place that gives away all its fried chicken, it seems. Actually there is a Co-op near the fish and chips place where I live. One can only imagine what goes on there. ‘You have a deal where the costumer pays nothing, have you? Well I’M going to pay people to take my products, try beating THAT.’

Look, I admire your friendliness and your willingness to take risks, but your behaviour is madness. I mean you’re going to get into SO much financial trouble. If they get into enough trouble, they may be driven to go on some kind of crime spree just so they can go on living. How’s THAT for mixed messages? I can see it on the news, now ‘Co-op give people money to take their products, then rob the local bank.’ That’s interesting as actually there was a very large scale robbery of a local supermarket where I live a few years ago, now. I don’t know if those responsible were ever caught. If not, well… I’m just putting the thought out there that… y’know… could be Co-op. Woah, woah, woah… I REALLY have to apologise for that accusation, don’t I? That’s SERIOUSLY messed up. I am so, so, so sorry for calling Co-op gangsters, really I am. Great guys, great guys. Not in ANY way thieves.

It’s now Saturday morning! Yesterday night there was a bit of peril when I thought the credit card machine stole my credit card when I tried to withdraw money for the barber beforehand, but like all good stories and blogs there was a fair amount of tension and then things resolved when the machine started working. It wasn’t an epic story but if I was a fly living for just one day it would have taken out a significant chunk out of my life, making the experience epic. And before you say that sounded weird, I’d love to see a film about a fly using a credit card machine, it would be unique and would make the viewer think. I was so frustrated when it seemed I wasn’t going to get my card back I shouted ‘argh!’, and I’m hoping no one saw that. It would be like ‘Simon is behaving like Philip the Angry Gerbil… That’s odd’. Yeah well, deal with it. With the bad come the good though, the other day I tried to guess the precise moment my car clock would change to a new minute and I did it! The last time I did that was about three years ago in a hospital carpark during the pandemic, when I was going for a blood test, it’s the kind of moment I’ll never forget, no exaggeration.

Now what to say? Ah yes, I’ll be getting a pizza later on. I did like the new cheeseburger pizza Papa John’s have released but it wasn’t my favourite. Then again, that could just be because I wasn’t used to it. I think I’ll be testing that theory later on by getting it again. It’s like with the (relatively) new (for me) curry house I tried, at first I didn’t really even like it that much, but the second time? I had to admit I was wrong, it was actually better than the other curries I had! Very strange. Actually the same went for PJ, I used to think Pizza Hut were better! I appear to be suffering from the rare and largely misunderstood condition ‘confused taste buds’. Thankfully my condition is mild and doesn’t cause me too many problems. You have to have a very severe version of the condition if you think liquorish heavily coated in salt and pretty much made from 100% salt tastes good. There are such food fans out there, please give them understanding before they have a heart attack. :S

Right, I’m back from the hairdresser! Not too much to say really other than I had the same problem as before when my hair landed on my face, making it super itchy. How do I scratch my temple without doing the ‘your mental’ gesture along with the other offensive signs I mentioned, last time? Tough one, so when the guy finally turned his back on me, I did a full, thorough face wipe. Oh thank God. I soon handed him my money that he probably would have appreciated more, had he known the stress that went into getting it, and was given enough change to tip the pizza delivery guy! Great! On the way home in my car and in a quiet residential street, I saw a maximum speed limit sign of 80 mph! That can’t be legal right? I definitely did a double take, there. Then on closer inspection the small, circular sign actually said ’80 VE Day’. I could have got into some very serious trouble had I not checked. Right, now to work on my yearly Eurovision blog!