NO! (Blog 501)

On Wednesday night, I bought some fish and chips and was looking forward to them. However, on the drive home I noticed objects on the left and right side of the road that deliberately and totally legally made the road narrower. There were no road signs telling me to slow down, so I sadly interpreted the narrowing of the road as a form of manipulation, (yes that sounds dumb) and I drove through the gap a little faster than I should have done. I hit my car’s left tire on the left road thinning thing and was worried it would cause a puncture. It did. ARGH! The only positive was that I was only stuck a few hundred metres or so from home. I went back to the fish and chip shop and asked if I could use the phone, so I could tell my dad. Not only do they do great chips and chicken nuggets (battered sausages, too!) they go above and beyond the call of duty, and save you running home for about 5 minutes! My dad couldn’t change my wheel, so he just told me to drive home very slowly with my warning lights on. You’ll be pleased to know that it was my idea to put such lights on when I was first stuck on the road. I’ll tell you what that is - initiative.

The stress of the situation put me off the food so I gave half of my meal to my dad and a couple of nuggets to my dogs. If I was being positive again, I would say that was a bonus to my physical health and nutrition levels! Spoiling my day even further however, my internet wasn’t working at the time, I phoned the helpline and they said it would be operational at exactly 14:02 the following day, which I didn’t believe. I mean… how can they be so sure? I was right to be sceptical, it was working at the start of Thursday morning. I wasn’t mad the company was wrong, in fact I was relieved, I just couldn’t really understand why they were being so weird. I’ll tell you about the good that really came out of the day: My God did I come up with a lot of cheese jokes, a good 15 of them in fact. Great news for me, terrible news for someone else who wants to joke about brie. Good luck.

I’m still waiting for something to make 36 the best year of my life, I’m actually starting to lose all hope. I mean I read it’s supposed to be the happiest year, for that to be true in my case, something RIDICULOUS would have to happen, and I just can’t work out what that would be. Deftones should be releasing a new album soon, maybe that’s what it will be… Maybe I’ll go to the zoo, again? I want to, partially so I can call it the ‘Whipsnade Zoo Tetralogy.’ Not a word you hear every day, is it? With trilogies you get three pieces of work, with tetralogies, you get four. Wow, right? Definitely something to remember. Especially if your self-esteem has recently been crushed, like mine has. Fingers crossed, in the end I’ll be writing of a pentalogy, if not more. It would be good if I went camping five times. Tentalogy the pentalogy.

As I’m typing on a Thursday, I’m still waiting for my wheel to be repaired. If it can’t be done in time, I guess I’ll be cycling to the gym. With my helmet on! Safety first! I can’t stress that enough. I got cocky, I ended up feeling like a moron. Nope cancel that, my car has been repaired just now! Everything cost £70? Annoying, but great material for a blog, a super embarrassing blog. Some people charge around that price for a single joke. Yeah, well let’s see him joke about cheese. In a way, that’s my way of winning. I’ll tell you this much, there’s absolutely no way someone can write another joke about bees. Not a one liner, anyway. I suppose it’s possible to write a funny bee anecdote. Oh yes, and I would earn £1050 from all my cheese jokes, what a standup routine that would be. Anyway, lesson of the day? Drive carefully!!! I know for a fact I will be respecting the power of road narrowers and their power over me. And they should have power over me. Because sometimes people need to drive extra carefully. And on that shifty note… Bye!