No way… (Blog 509)

Wow, I’ve just been made king of Spain! How’s that for random and unbelievable??? I guess all these years of blogging have finally paid off. Of course I couldn’t have done it without you, so for that I say ‘thank you!’ I’ve never heard of a blogger suddenly becoming a king of a different country, I guess my monologues, short stories etc., have helped as well. As I’ve written about a situation where the general public are allowed to create whatever laws they want for the sake of a strong democracy, maybe Spain thinks that’s a genuinely good idea. If so, thanks again! Just be warned as it CAN lead to chaos. Should a five year old with mental problems have any influence on the legal system? Yes! But again, be warned. I’m just saying expect punishments of early bedtimes and compensation of nursery rhymes and sugary sweets. Despite my good ideas, it’s still weird I’m king though, isn’t it? Especially as I know so little about the country, apart from of course if you want to SOUND Spanish, play E major then F major over and over again. A simple idea, but Spaniards go CRAZY for it. I’m a music reviewer too and personally if I hear the chord progression one more time, you will get a low score and a witty put down.

This isn’t just a celebratory blog, it is a sad one as well. I’m so, SO sorry to prior king Felipe VI for taking his place. Now we’ve switched roles, he can be a blogger! I’m sure he’ll have loads of ideas, for one thing he can write about being screwed over by me. Here, let me come up with a blog title for you: ‘Blog 1, Simon Seriously Sucks!’ It’s ok, I understand, I’d be mad too. On the plus side, I like writing, maybe you’d like writing, too! I write lots of jokes about bees, thyme and brie, you could write jokes about paella, tapas and siestas! Here, let me help you again. What does tapas sound like? If you can figure that out, the joke is already half written! Well, it sounds like ‘tap ass’. No, let’s not joke about that actually. The start of siesta sounds like bee… something bee… no wait, that’s a potential joke for me! Ok, HERE’S a joke for you: What food do you get when Eleanor is turned into a pastry? Pie Ella! No actually, that’s now mine too. Sorry.

What are my new policies? You can still keep the E, F chord progression, just don’t overuse it that’s all, it gets annoying. I’m not saying that’s the only the law I’m going to enforce, it’s just the whole situation has taken me by surprise, that’s all. Oh I have an interesting thought, you have the Spanish Phrygian scale, how about you claiming another scale for yourself? My new idea is like the major scale but you lower the second degree of it. You love lowering the second note, don’t you? So there you go, E, F, G#, A, B, C#, D#, E, it’s now yours. Some may call that the Ionian b2 scale, I call it ‘Simon’s gift to Lovely Latin Europe’. Yes, I’ve created goodwill already and I’ve only just begun. However, I’ve just done some internet searches and the scale just mentioned is (apparently) called the ‘Raga Suryakanta’ scale. Sorry for creating a rivalry between Spain and India but to be fair, the Spanish Phrygian scale famously has an Arabic sound and I’ve heard of no disputes because of that, so I think stealing the Ionian b2 scale should be fine. Then again, it’s never good to steal and it’s alarming I’ve done something wrong so quickly.

Now what to say? Ah yes, it is now April, time of Spring and of course time of… APRIL FOOLS!!! Got you! No, I am most definitely not the King of Spain. However, I thought the idea of a new scale was valid as not only is the E, F chord progression super cliched, if you play F again, you get EFF, and that’s the spelling of a very mild swear word. ‘Eff off’ being synonymous with Spain? No, something has to be done about that. Spain being synonymous with eggs doesn’t sound bad, you can very easily play the E G G chord progression. It sounds alright! Very interesting chromatic harmony with a positive vibe! The problem is eggs are all around the world, Spain claiming the food as their own? Spain land of egg thieves and raga plagiarists. Now that I think of it and even worse, you can’t play E major then G major with my new, thieved scale as the third note of the scale is G SHARP. :( Anyway, to wrap up, stop being so gullible! It shouldn’t be so easy to trick you, you need a long hard look at yourselves. And on that judgemental note… Bye!