:O (Blog 572)

Wow, against all reason I’ve been made king of Italy! It’s one hell of a responsibility, but I’ve made a serviceable pasta and I think that’s a good start. Next step, Ferraris and lasagnes for everyone! Long term readers will know I lied last year and said I was king of Spain as part of an April fools prank, but this time you can trust me. :P What if I wasn’t joking, though? King of Italy AND Spain?? THAT’S a busy job. Sombreros and tapas for all, along with the Italian food just mentioned and super cars. It could give the public a boost, it could ruin the economy or confuse everyone, I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I guess other people don’t liked being stereotyped, too. Anyway, fancy being made king of Italy when I don’t even have a GCSE in maths or business studies, I guess the newly retired king of the country sees something in me that I don’t. Oh wow, apparently Italy hasn’t even had a king since 1946! I guess that means I’m mad, making me a particularly odd choice for leader, right? However, I trust those whoever it was who gave me my role (I wasn’t listening), suggesting there’s no point in asking anyone for advice, as I’m smartest. If no people can help me, that does mean I have to get advice from pasta, instead. But oh no… I ate it… Why not get advice from pasta in a restaurant? The phrase ‘don’t cause a scene’ comes to mind. I guess deep down I know talking to pasta is mad, and I don’t FULLY want to do that. Again, look up schizotypal personality disorder.

Let’s Google what the prior king of Italy did so I can get a better idea of what to do. Forget the lasagne and super car idea, I wasn’t thinking. Oh yes, Italy hasn’t had a king in ages, I forgot already. You know what? Screw whoever was in charge before me, I’ll work things out for myself. This is a similar idea to the one I explored in my so called ‘fiction’ book, ‘The Danger of Proverbs’, but how about putting antidepressants in the water supply so everyone is happy and remember, happy people do not commit crimes. Apart from being drunk and disorderly, arguably such people are too happy. What, fluoride for teeth health can be in the water, not brain medication? I want healthy teeth too, but it’s not my MAIN priority and I do wonder why the government are so concerned. I guess thank you? But some people probably don’t want to be forced to consume meds even if they are good for you! There are some people out there who genuinely want rotting teeth because they’re mental. You never hear of such people complaining do you? Fancy people complaining because they’re too happy, how’s that going to make people in third world countries feel? It’s like hosting a speed eating contest next to a homeless shelter. ‘Oh God, if I have one more bite I will explode!’ It’s a stereotype that beggars are often drunk, but I’d turn to wine, too!

How’s this for an idea? Happy pills (Fluoxetine) COMBINED with fluoride? I call it ‘Fluoxride’! Again, that solves the two biggest problems in society - crime and teeth. You know what’s really cool? Money can’t buy you happiness, suggesting the meds will cost nothing to produce! Now what to say? Ok, as I’m a leader and all such people should be responsible, I guess I should come clean: I can’t make a serviceable pasta. I’ve microwaved pasta though, does that count? You read the instructions on how long to cook the food, you piece the container, you open the microwave door, put the food in and shut it, yeah not bad! So let me run the country. April fools!!! I got you again! You really should think more, it was bad enough when I got you the first time. I can’t even speak Italian, it would be crazy! I can say ‘yes’ granted (si), but a leader who says ‘yes’ to everything and everyone without knowing what he’s agreed to? THAT’S dangerous. Oh no, I’ve just agreed to forced labour and nuclear war… Blindly saying ‘si’ in an Italian restaurant is probably completely fine, though. You know what? I trust you and what’s on offer. To wrap things up, is this a true blog as I’ve lied almost constantly, or is it a monologue? Tough one, so let’s put things write by saying that at the time of writing on Tuesday, I will be eating a Subway, later! Problem solved and paragraph padded out, so bye!