Staines Mixed with Family Visit Extreme! (Blog 545)

Earlier on today, I went to Staines to celebrate the excellent results of my dentist appointments! I was fearing the health care workers would say something like ‘You’ve gone too far, Simon. All the sugar? It has to stop, screwed up face. :S.’ I heard nothing of the sort, so why not go on an intense food binge in the town? Actually there’s a fairly good reason - constipation BUT I’ve been drinking more the last few days and my self-diagnosed torn bum seems to have healed. For how long? I’ll have to find out. Anyway, to start the outing I got the dullest thing out of the way as per usual, that being the purchasing of vitamin D supplements. Why do Boots keep moving them all around the shop? They’ve been on display in three different places in the last year or so, now. Maybe it’s for the sake of variety? Fair enough shopping for such vitamins IS dull, same goes for all vitamins I’m sure, but that’s life. Actually no, Yngwie Malmsteen has his own brand of vitamins out now, that sounds exciting I guess. Most people however, just ask why he’s selling them. When I finally found what I was after, I had to work out how to pay for them with a self-checkout machine. I THINK I successfully worked out how to use it, but there’s maybe a 5% chance I ended up stealing the vitamins by mistake.

Next came the ordering of the Five Guys burger! (No milkshake from there, they’re far too big :S). The downside of drinking so much water is that you need to pee more obviously, so after I paid, I went for a wizz. Pop music played on the radio in the toilets so I wonder how much money the company had to pay for that, but even weirder, no music played in the eating area! Needless to say you’d think it would be the other way around, but to be fair it did make the everyday act of peeing upbeat and optimistic. Had I needed a poo, the music would be very much appreciated. As explained, things have been a bit iffy but I should be fine. Most importantly, the burger was super nice and juicy, but it better have been as the Five Guys menu is very small and samey. You get burgers with cheese, bacon, bacon and cheese and burgers with no bacon or cheese and that’s basically it. Ok, fair enough, you get hotdogs, sandwiches, and fries, just not many burgers. Which is what I wanted. If they can’t get the burger I ordered right, well it’s not looking good.

Next came the CD shopping! The only Aerosmith album they had was a best of, which was a shame but I did spot an Alan Parsons Project CD, which I first thought was an Alan Partridge Project CD. ‘What’s that?’ I thought. Maybe the fictional character rapping about people and things that annoy him. Could work I guess, it’s just that Alan isn’t known for being cool, that’s all. Speaking of Alan Partridge, his personality has changed quite drastically since the early 2000s or so, hasn’t it? Why could that be? It could be a brain injury OR I was thinking he could be simply ACTING nicer now just so other people like him, I think that gives the character more depth, I’m very much reminded of my dad! Either that, or the character would need stitches on his head which doesn’t sound like too much work, but usually people get angrier after a head injury. Either that, or they speak in a Jamaican accent, which I do think happened the one time. Anyway, I didn’t get an Alan rap album, I got a collection of FIVE Blue Oyster Cult albums for the price of one! Bargain! Next came the milkshake and muffin from a cafe! Not the healthiest start to the day, but I did eat a good 300 grams exactly of mangoes beforehand!

So the proceeding family visit! It’s worth noting I didn’t shave today or the last time I saw my family, just saying. Annoyingly one of the girls couldn’t come as she was at a party, so I couldn’t give her my birthday present! Very sad. On the plus side though, my dad provided a good four types of crisps for me, my brother, my nephew and my miniest niece to enjoy. Interestingly the Pringles weren’t the nicest in the group but were most addictive. Does anyone know why that is? Maybe the slogan ‘Once you pop you just can’t stop’ has been subconsciously influencing me. If so, here’s my new slogan for my website: Wiedemann Comedy, the best site ever. View it every day.’ Interestingly the mini boy was wearing a mini Linkin Park t-shirt! Excellent news, he’s showing great taste in music already! Oh he HAS no idea how many great bands are out there. I can most definitely start his heavy metal education. Strap in, you have a LOT to learn, it all began in 1970 with Black Sabbath. And it’s not me being pushy or boring actually, it’s very, very, interesting.

For whatever ever reason, my dad decided to show off the plastering job in his bedroom. I mean, my brother never saw the damage in the first place, so all my dad was doing was showing the exact same thing as before. Not only that, he didn’t bring up how nice the plasterer smelt, to me that was far more interesting. I mean how did he do it? To end the visit, my brother showed me and my dad videos of a remote control car going mental and doing insane jumps at super high speeds, then showed us his similar toy. That’s fine, yet it’s weird if I want to go to Thorpe Park? How’s that fair? Doesn’t seem fair to me. I also want to go go-karting. Shortly after that, my brother and all went home. Time to rearrange my music collection, I guess. I’ve just checked one of the songs on one of the albums, and one is called ‘E.T.I. (Extra Terrestrial Intelligence)’. What’s the point of having the acronym and the full version in the same title? Surely either one or the other would suffice? Oh never mind. And on that confused note… bye!