Ultimate Contest Post 7! (Blog 584)

Simon: Right! Another 15 contests have passed since my last Ultimate Contest mega post, so it’s time to do another ultra blog and list the last 15 scores I gave to Matt’s podcasts. You can find the following scores on my Facebook Unsubscribe Tribe page, but no one visits it, so let’s justify the time I spent doing the following ratings now! To spice things up, we have a new guy on the Wiedemann Comedy scene, called The Homicidal Cheeseburger!

HC: Thank you for having me.

Simon: I hear you don’t kill as many people as stress does… How does that make you feel?

HC: Who said that??

Simon: Actually, it was Matt…

HC: Matt’s been saying I don’t kill as many people as stress? Who does he think he is??

Simon: Wow, what an attitude. How could anyone employ a burger such as you?

HC: Actually I’m unemployed, I spend all my time killing people.

Simon: How??

HC: I shoot them.

Simon: How??

HC: With my cheeseburger gun.

Simon: It’s just Matt suggested people get killed by cheeseburgers after eating them…

HC: I’m still here…

Simon: Ok. Anyway, what’s your name?

CH: Jack Grey.

Simon: It’s not all about you, Jack Grey, this is a contest blog, so here are the scores for…

Contest 91!

Position: 1st

Winner: Matt Jones

Humorous podcast comment, written months ago: Mr Nobody’s brief reign as champion is over and it’s all about Matt, again! It’s the third time I’ve shared a Matt podcast, in fact. The trilogy. Expect the tetralogy, soon! Another great video I’m sure, and a fancy word!

Originality: 3

Presenting: 4.5

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.7/5

Simon: Ah yes, I should explain I once did a contest with no one in it to spice things up, and called the winner ‘Mr. Nobody’. Why? Not sure, I can’t really remember. But I’m sure I had a very good reason! Oh now I remember, I couldn’t contact Matt!

HC: You’re an idiot.

Simon: I’m an idiot? You should be glad I’m not feeling peckish.

HC: You what?

Simon: I’m saying if I was hungry, I could eat you. And I really could, I’ve eaten burgers loads of times. Five Guys, Smoky Boys, Gourmet Burger Kitchen you name it.

HC: Go on then, eat me…

Simon: I told you, I’m not hungry! My word, the Homicidal Cheeseburger with ADHD. You don’t have a gun on you now, do you?

HC: Yes, here it is…

Simon: My God! That’s a cougar magnum!

HC: The very same.

Simon: Where did you get it??

HC: I can’t say.

Simon: This is awkward.

HC: Show another score, then.

Contest 92

1st

Matt Jones

Should teachers wear body cameras? That’s something the podcasters discuss. MY theory is teachers should go further and carry guns, is that a good idea? Probably not, but I’m not a podcaster. Which is good, isn’t it?

Originality: 3

Presenting: 4.5

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.7/5

HC: Now THAT was a good comment!

Simon: Yes, at the time of writing I never knew how strangely fitting it would become.

HC: You really think teachers should curry guns?

Simon: Yes, but only small guns. Not like yours…

HC: What do you consider a small gun?

Simon: A berretta?

HC: And what justifies firing one in your opinion?

Simon: I don’t know? Disrespect?

HC: Ok, cool.

Simon: It is cool, isn’t it? You know what? Even if I was hungry, I wouldn’t eat you. Again, I’d just go to Five Guys. Next!

Contest 93

1st

Matt Jones

Matt and co. saying how much students suck, but they do so in a way that’s funny. Does that make it ok? Maybe, it does for me at least, but if you’re a teacher, I’d leave testing the theory. Unless you want to get sacked that is, and many do because the students suck!

Originality: 3

Presenting: 4.5

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.7/5

HC: I can’t get sacked, I have no job…

Simon: Because you’re too busy killing people, I know.

HC: Oh. Good.

Simon: I have no employer either, but I still don’t go around killing people…

HC: You should do, it makes me feel like God!

Simon: You’re not God, you’re a cheeseburger.

HC: Eh?

Simon: I mean the very THOUGHT that you’re God…

HC: I don’t have to be here, you know? Say one more wrong word and I’m leaving.

Simon: You really want to be God?

HC: I am God…

Simon: Then be kind. Because God is kind. He doesn’t shoot people with massive guns… Now let’s do another contest.

Contest 94

1st

Matt Jones

Another teacher themed podcast but with an added bonus: Stories about eating cheese! Sadly there is no cheese criteria in my scoring system so the podcasters won’t be benefiting. Cheese lovers will, though!

Originality: 3

Presenting: 4.5

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.7/5

HC: People eat cheese, too?

Simon: Look, there’s nothing wrong with eating cheese. It’s made from milk and milk isn’t conscious is it?

HC: But I’m part cheese!

Simon: Oh yeah. Ahem. Next contest!

Contest 95

1st

Matt Jones

The podcasters discussing stories of them crying and hugging each other to deal with the pain of teaching. Still though, ‘a rewarding career path for those who want to make a positive impact on young lives and contribute to the development of future generations.’

Originality: 3

Presenting: 4.5

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.7/5

HC: There are times I think I’d rather be a teacher than a cheeseburger.

Simon: Oh no! Why?

HC: I just sit around doing nothing all day! Then when a person is on his own and not looking at me…

Simon: … You shoot them?

HC: Right. Not only is my life boring I’ve just been told I’m not God when killing. How do you think I feel?

Simon: Look, you can at least be PARTIALLY holy and start going to church. But you’ll have to hand your gun into the police.

HC: Oh come on! A cheeseburger handing a gun into the police?? You don’t think that wouldn’t get people talking?? I want a peaceful life!

Simon: Then throw the gun into a river! get rid of it somehow!

HC: No.

Contest 96

1st

Matt Jones

How do you punish unruly children who don’t care about being punished? You could make children enjoy school by making lessons fun! So when you threaten the children to stop teaching, they behave! Then again, the whole point of going to school is to learn, so I’m back to square one. (The podcast is about unruly children!)

Originality: 3

Presenting: 4.5

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.7/5

HC: Tbh, if you really made school so fun that not teaching was a punishment that IS a pretty good achievement and you’re not really back to square one…

Simon: Oh yeah.

HC: Do you have any ideas on how to make school fun?

Simon: No I don’t.

HC: Oh. It’s a nice thought though…

Simon: Thank you.

Contest 97

1st

Matt Jones

Should teachers attack other people and believe in Father Christmas? Usually I’d say hell no, but with these guys I’d make an exception. Excellent wisdoms from all three trustworthy podcasters!

Originality: 3

Presenting: 4.5

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.7/5

HC: That sounded like a wacky podcast…

Simon: Yeah, I can’t truly remember what that contest comment meant, though.

HC: You say you think teaching should be fun, Matt an co. said they should assault people and believe in Santa?

Simon: Something like that. The thing is, people have tried making lessons fun and it doesn’t work. No one has tried Matt’s idea… Maybe there’s something in it?

HC: But it’s illegal… And dumb at the same time…

Simon: Well there you go, that won’t work either, then. A school crisis!

Contest 98

1st

Matt Jones

Matt and co. continue to tell everyone how tough teaching is, then they say they hope they inspired others to teach at the end! They might have inspired mental people maybe which is fitting as the teachers do often complain about their mental health… I complain more than anyone and by that logic I should be headmaster.

Originality: 3

Presenting: 4.5

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.7/5

HC: Headmaster Simon?

Simon: Yeah, well I’m more likely to be a headmaster than a cheeseburger with a gun.

HC: My IQ is 140.

Simon: No it isn’t.

HC: Ok, I made that up.

Simon: Good, because I was going to test you.

HC: I can pass any test…

Simon: Ok, what’s the odd one out: Kier Starmer, Boris Johnson, Tony Blair, you?

HC: Boris Johnson?

Simon: No, it’s you.

HC: Why?

Simon: You’re a cheeseburger…

HC: Dammit! I knew that! Give me another one!

Simon: No.

Contest 99

1st

Matt Jones

Note the tiny reduction in the originality score as it’s at least kinda more of the same stuff, with it being a teacher themed podcast and all. Same goes for the presenting score as one previous podcaster is gone. I miss him! Happy Christmas, though! I can’t give the gift of higher scores, but I can give the gift of festivity!

Originality: 2.9

Presenting: 4.4

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.66

HC: You complain the teachers keep talking about teaching? They should talk about go karting instead?

Simon: That’s what I implied, yes.

HC: Maybe you should tell them…

Simon: No, it would be rude. That’s something you don’t care about, clearly…

HC: I’m homicidal and you want me to be polite?

Simon: It would be something. Next!

Contest 100

1st

Matt Jones

Matt and co. start the new year by complaining about teaching again. I suppose it would be asking too much of them if I suggested they should reform the profession and get children super interested in learning but it’s a nice thought. Best new year’s resolution ever!

Originality: 2.8

Presenting: 4.3

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.62

HC: THAT’S demanding…

Simon: Yeah. Still though better than no new year’s resolution at all, right?

HC: What was yours?

Simon: I didn’t have one.

HC: Ah.

Contest 101

1st

Matt Jones

The teachers talk about students who tear up classrooms and then they talk about what they will be like as adults? I think very energetic soldiers, but why would you need so many of them? Then I thought they could invade France, steal its cheese! Then I thought to myself ‘Have I said that before?’ If so, it’s at very least an insight into my mind, which is something. Then again, maybe a bit dark…

Originality: 2.7

Presenting: 4.2

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.58/5

HC: Do you know you came across, just then?

Simon: Coming from you??

HC: Let children misbehave so they can turn into soldiers, invade France and steal its cheese?? To eat it, I presume?

Simon: I know you’re made from cheese, but it was just a thought experiment, that’s all!

HC: You’re sick!

Contest 102

1st

Matt Jones

Here’s a thought: What’s better, schoolchildren or electric bins? Find out by watching Matt’s podcast! (It’s the bins, isn’t it? Some are very fancy!)

Originality: 2.6

Presenting: 4.1

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.54/5

HC: Oh so now you want children to grow up to be soldiers so you can use them and you’re saying they’re worse than bins?? How exploitative are you??

Simon: I told you, some bins are very fancy. Hell, there’s probably a bin out there that’s better than you!

HC: Better than you?

Simon: Well no, how can any bin be better than me?

HC: What about a bin powered by atomic energy?

Simon: Wow, that’s some bin…

HC: Well?

Simon: No! Look, if you made some self-improvements, maybe you can be better than the best bin ever, too. Throw the gun away.

HC: No!

Contest 103

1st

Matt Jones

Here, Matt compares teaching children to training tigers! I actually think you get paid more for training tigers than teaching, so it is something you might like to think about…

Originality: 2.5

Presenting: 4

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.5/5

HC: I wish you’d train tigers…

Simon: Yeah, well a tiger would like you a lot more than it would like me. If it wanted a light snack, I mean.

HC: Do tigers eat cheese?

Simon: Yep, A.I. says it can be given to tigers as a ’sensory treat’.

HC: What’s a sensory treat?

Simon: A treat for the senses! Yum yum. Delicious.

HC: …

Simon: Don’t reach for the gun, Jack. I’m onto you.

HC: Dammit.

Contest 104

1st

Matt Jones

This one is definitely worth watching for those wanting to know how to control unruly student behaviour. You’ll be kicking yourself… Here goes, you say ‘please be quiet’… I know, right?

Originality: 2.4

Presenting: 3.9

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.56/5

HC: No, that can’t be true at all.

Simon: It works when students are given important tests, though…

HC: Why not make all of school important?

Simon: Yes! Exactly my thinking! You could say ‘what’s 5 x 6? This is important!’ and just like that we have the beginning of a new Stephen Hawking!

HC: And what if that doesn’t work?

Simon: Say it’s REALLY important!

HC: But is knowing what 5 x 6 is REALLY important?

Simon: Sure, it’s important to the number 30. I actually know that number and it’s very sensitive.

HC: Oh. There you go then.

Contest 105

1st

Matt Jones

Matt does the right thing and talks about a man who has lots of followers and who hits his jaw with a hammer to ‘make it look better’. You can’t always talk about teaching children, this is an emergency.

Originality: 2.3

Presenting: 3.8

Funniness: 3.5

Production: 3

Effort: 4.5

Overall: 3.42/10

HC: Is he still hitting his jaw now?

Simon: I don’t know, I hope not. This would be a lie, but I’d say ‘You look perfect! Please stop!’ Of course he wouldn’t look perfect, his face would just be a mess of blood and bone, but you have to try, don’t you? And here are the rankings for the last 15 contests! It’s starts normally, but the ending is a little weird…

15th: 105: Matt Jones, 3.42

14th: 104: MJ, 3.56

13th: 103: MJ, 3.5

12th: 102: MJ, 3.54

11th: 101: MJ, 3.58

10th: 100: MJ, 3.62

9th: 99: MJ, 3.66

1st: 98: MJ, 3.7

1st: 97: MJ, 3.7

1st: 96: MJ, 3.7

1st: 95: MJ, 3.7

1st: 94: MJ, 3.7

1st: 93: MJ, 3.7

1st: 92: MJ, 3.7

1st: 91: MJ, 3.7

Simon: Right! Blog over! Those with sharp eyes will know I kept reducing presenting scores by accident, I should have only done it the one time, but hey, no one is perfect. Thank you to Jack Grey for being here and of course for not killing anyone!

HC: Bye!

Simon: Byeeeeee!