Update Anarchy! (Blog 518)

I (very) often Google when my next Mac update will be and Google AI said it will be early next month, then a few days away, then today as I’m typing on a Monday and now a few days away, again. This situation is very similar to Japanese death row where the prisoners don’t know the time and date they will be executed. I’m basically accusing Apple of cruel and unusual punishment. Let’s Google when the update is coming out again, now. Oh, it’s coming out soon? Can you be any more vague or do you want me to help you? Because soon can mean pretty much anything. Say someone says to you ‘I’ll call you soon’ and leaves it at that. Would that be clear enough for you? At very best it’s annoying at its worst, it’s infuriating. How would the English Prime Minister feel if France said they might nuke the UK sometime in the next 24 hours, and then the French President calls Keir Starmer and says ‘Anyway about that… I’ll call you soon’. No, it’s not good enough!

Furthermore, the Earth is billions of years old now, so technically 1,000 years away is soon. Oh if only Apple released updates every 1,000 years, I’d have so much peace of mind. Still not 100% peace of mind though, as I’m getting my Clozapine blood test done tomorrow and will have to meet a psych nurse who possibly read my blog about screwing over the local car park, etc. It may be a small crime but it is still a crime and could get reported to the police or MI5. Sure I haven’t conned anyone out of a huge amount of money, but what if I conned the wrong person? What if I ripped off an evil ticket inspector on a tight budget and who is saving up for the best birthday ever, that needs to be absolutely perfect? Then I come along and he can’t afford his favourite snack. Day ruined! My navigation skills may also be tested and there’s obviously a huge chance I’d fail. Unless maybe I get asked which door to open in just one room, I might be able to handle that. Just not TWO rooms. Simon can’t remember what two doors to open? What if he needs to open three? He could get stuck and starve.

So yeah as I was saying, let me try and help Apple to see if they be any more vague. Maybe the company could say the update is coming out at some point in time, instead of ‘soon’. If that’s not good enough, how about them saying the update MAY be coming out in some point in time? Oh I can picture the company having the best time ever. ‘Simon has NO clue when the update is coming out? I’ll get the champagne, you get the steaks!’ I JUST WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH! You keep trying to come up with new features that improve my computer’s performance? Well if you can do that, you can make updates that don’t repeatedly crash my computer and force me to use a special kind of code that can only be found if you search Google for ages. Ok, ok, I haven’t needed to use the code for a while now, but my computer DOES keep crashing when downloading the new program or whatever it is! I bet Apple have a bit of code that says ‘softwareupdate —fetch-full-installer —full-installer-version 15.5 —crash -Simons — computer -haha —lol’. Well done, you’re good with computers, now grow up.

Let’s Google when the update should be coming out, one more time. Possibly today, again? Here’s something interesting to ask Google: Is Apple a Japanese company? AI says ‘While Apple has a strong presence in Japan and relies on Japanese manufacturing and sales, it is not a Japanese company’. Hm. No mention of prisons there, but what was that about Japanese manufacturing? I think they manufacture human misery. Just why, though? My search ‘Does Apple have anything to do with Japanese prisons?’ had no responses from AI. Shady much? Well it could suggest Apple and AI has something to hide, on second thoughts maybe such a question hasn’t been asked before. I asked AI if Apple was an evil company, and rather darkly it said that was subjective. How would you feel if you asked Keir Starmer if he was evil and he said that was subjective? I’d be scared. Right, if you don’t hear from me in a while, it’s because I’ve tried to update my computer but I broke it. Bye!