Wendy Roland’s Blog (Blog 485)

Charlie! When I saw you working on the set of your new film and you got talking to me? It was the happiest day of my life! I know it’s a bit soon, but I would LOVE to marry you! It sounds silly, but it just feels right. As I’ve lost many friends and relatives in mysterious circumstances, it has left me with a profound sense of anxiety and I worry I could be next. But I don’t feel the pain around you! I dream about being put in cakes, does that sound mad to you? I know it doesn’t because you’ve said the same thing. I’ve been told what we’re experiencing is called ‘madness of two’, ‘shared madness’ or as the French say ‘Folie a deux’. I’m wondering why it’s a French expression. Does the country have an epidemic of egg couples sharing delusions? If so, why haven’t I heard about that? Sounds like big news, to me. Anyway, even though it has been explained to me that I’m far too important to be placed in a cake and then enjoyed by partying children, my apparent ‘shared madness’ is still there. I guess getting married would make me Wendy Baldwin! Charlie and Wendy, the most famous egg couple in the whole world! But your drinking? It’s out of control! Oh, there’s no time to wait for you to get in touch with me, I need to contact you now…

Wendy: Hello, Dominant Egg are you there?

DE: Herllloooo. Who isss this?

Wendy: It’s me! Wendy!

DE: Wendy? I’m not druuuhnk by der way, I’m juerst tirrred.

Wendy: No, you’re really drunk.

DE: Not.

Wendy: Anyway, I’d love to marry you!

DE: You will??

Wendy: Yes! I’m blogging about it right now!

DE: This is the most warmhearted blog of all time!

Wendy: Yes, perfect for Christmas!

DE: I’m so happy, I’m not drunk anymore!

Wendy: Wow. How does that even work?

DE: I don’t know.

Wendy: You didn’t like… hit your head and you’ve suddenly got better?

DE: No…

Wendy: It’s just that people don’t usually recover from alcohol use quite as quickly as you…

DE: Hm.

Wendy: I really am more than curious. Would you like to blog about your day so far? It sounds more interesting than mine. After that, we can talk again.

DE: Ok, here goes… It’s all coming back to me now…

I got woken up early in the morning which annoyed me as I had a hard day’s work the day before. I was acting in my latest movie called ‘Charlie Baldwin and his Sincere Tales of Kindness and Responsibility’. It was super stressful. Who could it be at the door? I opened it and the guy said ‘Remember me?’ I said ‘Of course! You’re the taxi driver I hit in a drunken rage! How are things? Good?’ Then he hit me hard in the face.

Wendy: Ah….

DE: I’ll continue…

I said to the driver ‘Werts yer problerm buddyyyyy?’ and HE said ‘I feel fantastic. No problem. Now, if anyone asks you why you’re slurring, for example Wendy Roland who is planning on contacting you, that’s what people are saying anyway, don’t say I hit you, say you’re drunk. You’ll probably have amnesia for a while and you’ll be confused, so I’ll write you a note explaining everything.’ He then got out a pen and paper and wrote a message saying ‘I’m Charlie Baldwin and I’m drunk.’ He then taped it to the top of my head.

Wendy: It’s ok. I understand.

DE: No, there’s more…

In a daze I wrote a short poem. It goes like this: ‘Weeeendyyyy… Ow (expletive) hell. Why the flip do I have a note on my head? I sure as hell didn’t put it there. Didn’t I? I mean if I did… why??? What’s going on in my life? Maybe I have a split personality. I am after all called Charlie Baldwin and the Dominant Egg. But I always thought the latter was a nickname… Maybe I have a third personality that tapes notes to my head. The Taping Egg. Anywho, Wendy is fab!

Wendy: Well I’m not sure if that qualifies as a POEM, though it certainly kept my attention.

DE: Well, that’s what good writing does…

Wendy: Agreed. Anyway, as you’ve apparently made a complete recovery, how about we go on our first date? I’ve put on makeup. Do you like what you see?

DE: Wow. A stunner.

Wendy: Oh you. So… how’s a date sound?

DE: Great!

Wendy: Super. I can blog about it, when it’s over!

…

It’s Wendy again. I’ve just had the date of a lifetime! Who knew bowling could be so much fun?? Charlie can be really goofy, the way he threw himself down the bowling alley and knocked the pins down was hilarious! We quickly got banned from the venue, but that didn’t matter as we went to see a film! What did we see? We saw the egg version of Titanic. However, as the boat hit the iceberg and crashed, it didn’t really matter as all the eggs in the sea floated. They were cold eggs, sure, but when they were rescued they quite happily went back to their lives. In that respect I consider the updated film to be superior to the original. After the film we had dinner in a fancy restaurant where we ate gourmet corn, cucumbers and broccoli. Then Charlie said ‘look, I’m a chicken!’ and he pecked all the food on his plate! The waiter explained we were wearing napkins around our necks for a reason, and if we continued to eat like idiots, we’d have to leave. Charlie seemed to take that personally and offered to complete an IQ test, and then he said ‘no, I’ve got a better idea: What’s zero plus one?’ The waiter said ‘One?’ and Charlies said ‘Yes. That’s what me and Wendy are now.’ It was really sweet. So there you go, that was Charlie and I’s perfect date, I’m sure there will be many more! Bye!

DE: Yes, I had an amazing time, too. You know what? I think this will be the best Christmas ever. THAT’S heartwarming. And on that excellent note… bye!