Apples and Nonsense (Blog 64)

Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? I’m not implying that harassment from physician to patient is a huge problem and that the former must be avoided, but rather I’m asking if the food is really that good for you. A few weeks ago I complained to my health care provider that my knees would hurt after a 15 minute run or so. Consequently, I had to make do with the more knee-friendly hiking machines at the gym. At the time (and currently) I was (and am) on vitamin D supplements, but whilst they helped, they weren’t a complete cure. After explaining this, I was told to eat more fruit (not a problem), more vegetables (na), and to eat less meat (again no). As I am typing this up now loaded with vegetation, my pain has more or less completely gone. That is even though I’m blitzing it on the treadmill at the local muscle boosters. Excellent stuff.

However, does an apple cure leprosy as the expression suggests? An apple a day etc. is a big claim. I’m not even going to google about that, because many people in third world countries still have the disease and I’m sure that many of those are on advanced medication. It would be a huge face-palm moment if after all their efforts and training all that was needed for the doctors to cure the sick were some everyday fruit. Not likely, right? Evidently, the phrase should instead be ‘four or five apples/bananas/whatever a day (which is what I’m on - better to bring that up later than never) keep the doctor away if you like to go for runs, but don’t expect fruit to cure various serious sicknesses’. Doesn’t the new version stop people from getting their hopes up? I think so. On an unusually related note for me, apparently different countries have different sayings. England famously recommends five portions of the just described, I think France recommends something like 8, Japan probably advises more as their diet is so healthy, but I’ve solved the puzzle. It is indeed 4. I’ve proved it.

NOW on a completely different note: If I don’t have much that needs doing or I’ve just finished writing a blog or something like that, I like to chill out by listening to music and writing some gags. Because when doing so I’m doing a form of multitasking, I’m not thinking as hard as I could be. Even so, most of the time I come up with perfectly reasonable material. Even so, again… there was one instance in particular where I was clearly not concentrating at all. (Perhaps during an epic guitar solo). Take for example my following 'joke'… ‘What’s the one word you shouldn’t say in front of the pope? You should never say ‘tan’.’ Tan?? What does it mean??? I know it wasn’t meant to be offensive, as I try not to write anything upsetting, (for ethical and reputation reasons) but even if it was, I'm sure it would have even the most demented and intelligent comedian 100% stumped. It could literally be about anything. Here is a joke of mine that DOES make sense: ‘Apparently people who swear more are more trustworthy. Which is why I don’t trust the pope’. Are the two examples related? I can barely see how, but maybe that’s what I was going for.

I feel the need to redeem myself. Here is some new and better text I’ve come up with… ‘What’s it called when a prisoner says ‘hello’? A crime wave.’ ‘What’s the vehicle that all bus drivers fear will put them out of work? The omnibus’, and ‘why do people who seek after soups make natural aircraft staff? Because they are stew-wards’. Ahhh. That’s better and if you don’t like them, at least you don’t have to ponder about them for the rest of your days. Never say ‘tan’ in front of the pope. WTF. And after that repeated confoundment and concern for the functioning of my brain, I’ll end things here with a warning: Don’t listen to music whilst doing ANYTHING important. That includes major surgery, flying planes or even playing in a band. Do you want to play a bum note? That’s what I thought. Byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

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